Night Fires

by D H Sidebottom

  I nodded and made a grab for their cups but Rob caught me again and pulled even harder. They both laughed when he held down my head and my boobs dipped into the spilled tea, and then one slapped my arse and I squealed.

  I shot upright but I was suddenly crushed between two men. Bray and Carter snatched both men by their throats and dragged them out of the bench.

  “Apologise to the lady,” Carter growled as his fingers tightened around Rob’s throat.

  “What the fuck?” he hissed, glaring at Carter as though he wanted to kill him. He was struggling under Carter’s hold and I was amazed he managed to keep hold of him so tightly.

  “Apologise!” Carter reaffirmed with a snarl. “I won’t ask again.”

  “Fuck you, you prick! What are you, her fucking pimp?”

  Carter glanced at Bray who nodded stiffly, the expression on his face as hard as Carter’s, and then both men were dragged out of the shop door. I couldn’t do anything but stare in shock.

  “Hey, you okay?” Janie asked, appearing by my side and threading her arm around me again when my legs wobbled.

  “Yeah.” I nodded after mentally checking myself out. “Yeah, just wounded pride.”

  She stared at my tea stained t-shirt. “I have a spare in the back. Go change and take a break. Get yourself together for a minute.”

  I took another look out of the front window but the street was still empty. “I’m okay.”

  “Go,” she ordered.

  A small smile erupted at her mock glare and I saluted her and banged my heels together. “Affirmative, captain.”

  She rolled her eyes then gave me a wink. “You sure you’re okay, Alice?”

  “I’m fine, honestly.”

  She nodded. “We’re women, we’ve dealt with worse.”

  I nodded, walking away. “Much worse,” I whispered to myself. Then immediately put those thoughts where they belonged. In the back of my mind with all the other horrific thoughts.

  It was almost six when Carter knocked on the door and I let him in. He held up a white carrier bag. “Hope you like Chinese.”

  I couldn’t help but stare in shock for a moment. “Uhh, yeah. Thank you.” He shrugged then dropped into one of the kitchen chairs and took out numerous cartons, the smell of the food making my mouth water. “I gathered you wouldn’t have eaten, and I’m starving.”

  I snapped myself together and grabbed two plates, and just as I was about to take two beers from the fridge, I swapped them for bottles of water.

  “Thank you.” I smiled at him as I tucked into the various dishes he’d piled onto my plate.

  He lifted a hand, shovelling a mound of Chow Mein into his mouth. “It’s just food, Alice.”

  “I meant about this morning, in Betty’s.”

  He snorted. “Wankers.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Yeah. Anyway, thank you.”

  “Will you stop saying bloody thank you?”

  I sighed and shut my mouth, and we continued to eat in silence. The wind had got up and the only sound was it raging around the house but the silence between Carter and me was comfortable, and if I was honest, it was nice to have someone to sit at the table with and share a meal, even if we didn’t talk. Carter was how he was and if I decided to take offence every time he barked something at me then I’d be in a constant state of irritation. I realised it was just how he was - blunt. It wasn’t something done nastily or even meant to insult, he just said it how he saw it.

  “So, you rewired this place yourself?” Carter suddenly asked, making me jolt after the bout of complete quiet.

  I nodded, sucking in an extra-long noodle. Carter’s eyes dropped to my mouth and I felt my cheeks flush with the attention. I knew I had sauce on my chin and I spent the next thirty seconds inwardly panicking at how to wipe it off without bringing attention to it.

  Grabbing a napkin, I placed my fork down. “I’ve done most of the renovations myself. I enjoy it, and it’s therapeutic.”

  “Therapeutic,” he mused quietly. “And what would you need therapy for, Alice?” He was mocking me.

  “Don’t think no one else has suffered apart from you, Carter.”

  His eyes widened at the acid tone in my voice and he rested back into his chair, peering at me with a glint of anger as he placed his cutlery down. “I wasn’t being flippant. I was asking why you feel the need for therapy.” He leaned forwards, resting his crossed arms on the table. “I was asking for something, anything, about you. You’re the most closed person I know, and I was just looking for an opening.”

  I immediately felt stupid and lowered my eyes. “There’s nothing about me that you need to know.” I was honest. I wasn’t being rude or trying to shut him down. There was just nothing I could tell him that seemed appropriate, especially over Chinese at the dinner table.

  Tipping his head sideways, he shook his head as he studied me. “I don’t need to know anything.” He leaned even farther forwards. “But maybe I want to.”

  I held his gaze and swallowed when my throat felt scratchy and thick. “What do you want to know?”

  A small smile flicked at his lips. “Tell me something nobody knows.”

  Lowering my eyes, I whispered, “It’s my birthday.”

  He appeared stunned with that small revelation, staring at me with wide eyes as he leaned back into his chair again. “Why aren’t you celebrating?”

  Finally lifting my eyes, I gulped back the lump that had grown from the scratch and stared straight at him. “Because I have no one to celebrate with.”

  When he just stared at me, I shrugged. I felt stupid and vulnerable. I’d always hated attention on myself, for more reasons than one, but Carter’s deep stare made my bones tremble.

  Once again he leaned over the table and before I could move his fingers touched my jaw and his thumb swept leisurely over my cheekbone. His caress was barely there but I could feel it seep inside me, right down into the core of me, the empty part where my soul should reside, had it not left me a long time ago.

  “Nobody?”

  I shook my head slowly. “Nobody.”

  His gaze became suffocating, like he was boring inside my head to find my secrets, yet I couldn’t look away. He was connecting with me, for some unknown reason, but I could physically feel the warmth trickling through my veins, attempting to reach the cold fibres that had frozen long before.

  “Then happy birthday, Alice,” he finally whispered. His fingers remained on my face, the tips gently brushing my skin as his thumb traced a path back and forth over my cheekbone.

  “Thank you.” It wasn’t a whisper. It wasn’t even said on a wispy breath, but he heard it and gave me a very small nod.

  His smile mesmerised me; it was so soft and gentle but displayed a side to him that I’d never seen before. Sincerity and tenderness; two simple emotions that meant the world to me because they were honest and given wholeheartedly.

  We both jumped when my phone rang from where I’d placed it on the worktop earlier.

  “I’d better get your sink fixed,” Carter mumbled and I flinched when his chair scraped across the floor tiles in his bid to move quickly.

  Grabbing my phone, I frowned at the unknown number. “Hello?”

  “Happy birthday, Ali.”

  Every muscle in my body locked up and I held on to the table when my knees buckled. “Grant?”

  “Hey, sweetheart,” he whispered, his voice full of an emotion I recognised but didn’t want to hear.

  My lungs were starting to fail, a wheeze loud in my ears when they attempted to spit out every bit of air I forced inside. “How did you get this number?”

  “I missed you,” he answered, disregarding my question.

  “Where did you get this number, Grant?” My voice was a squeal, a pitch so high I was sure he didn’t understand me.

  “Alice?” Carter came to stand in front of me with a look of worry on his face. “Who is it?”

  I shook my head. I couldn’t manage anything else.


  “Who’s that?” Grant hissed down the phone. “Alice? I thought we…”

  Without thinking, I stabbed at my phone, ending the call. Then dropping it on the floor, fear and panic setting in, I stamped my foot on it over and over until it was a mass of tiny screws, springs, and wires, nothing able to get in or out of the damn thing.

  My heart was beating so hard I could see it trying to escape through my chest, my pulse echoing sarcastically in my ears and reminding me I was still alive.

  “Sit down,” Carter ordered softly as he directed me over to a chair and gently lowered me into it.

  “Shit!” I closed my eyes, trying to force the tears from them into my dry mouth. “Shit.”

  “Alice, tell me who it was.”

  I took the glass of water Carter offered me but my hands were trembling so hard that he had to hold it to my mouth for me to take a sip.

  “Alice, talk to me.”

  I looked at him, remembering he was there. “Uhh, just… just an ex.”

  He frowned and then very hesitantly took my hand and wrapped it up in the warmth of his own, the chill on my skin felt deep into my bones. “And did that ex ever hurt you?” His question was cautious yet firm.

  I shook my head. “No, no. Nothing like that.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I can’t…” Vomit curled up my throat and I clamped my hand over my mouth. “I don’t want to remember…” I was talking in riddles and mumbling, my mind trying to stop everything bursting in as it tried to push everything else out. “I can’t face it… I don’t want to… it hurts. It’s all my fault and it hurts. IT HURTS!” I screamed.

  “It’s okay.” Carter wrapped his arms around me and huddled me to his chest. “It’s okay, we don’t have to remember. You don’t have to do anything, Alice. Just sink into me and let me take it all for you.”

  I clung to him, an overwhelming coil of grief fighting to get out. I’d kept it in for so long and I thought I’d managed to cross the bridge over it and leave it at the bottom of the river it belonged in. But now the river was rising and threatening to overflow the banks and into my heart and mind.

  “Don’t let me…” I muttered.

  “Shh.” His hand stroked over my hair. Over and over. His touch was so soft that I allowed myself to concentrate on it, to feel it, to focus on it and nothing else.

  Just before I drifted into the safety of sleep, I felt myself being lifted and carried. And then nothing but the softness of the mattress and the firm hold of two strong arms surrounding me and keeping me from the horrors of my nightmares.

  A year, Billy, and yet it seems like only yesterday.

  My heart hurts so much, baby brother. My eyes haven’t seen light since you left me, and I’m sure I’ll never see properly again.

  I would give anything to go back, to change it all. I’m so sorry. I always say it, don’t I? ‘Sorry’ – but it doesn’t change anything. Nothing will ever be the same again. Not until I’m with you all, anyway.

  Tell me why this damn pain never ends. Do you hate me? Do Mum and Dad hate me? Please don’t tell me Josh hates me; I couldn’t bear that.

  If I could change it all, I would. You have to know that I would. I would trade myself for you all. This pain seems nothing compared to what you went through, and I know I deserve to feel the strength of it within me forever.

  He’ll pay, Billy. If it’s the very last thing I do in this life, then I will make him scream until you can hear the agony devouring him, until you can witness, even from up there, how much my vengeance will destroy him and your pain. And I will accept the price of my revenge, because I sacrifice my own soul to save yours, and one day soon, you shall receive yours and finally be able to move on.

  That I can, and WILL, promise you.

  There is one thing I ask. 7pm, tonight, light a candle for Josh with me. He would have been three today, my beautiful boy. My happy and beautiful little boy.

  I love you, brother. With every fibre of my heart.

  I stared at the candle; its flame flickered and blurred under the vast amounts of alcohol I had consumed throughout the day.

  Saturday had come all too soon. A year to the day that they left me – alone. So very alone.

  Every part of me hurt, and even the whiskey I’d devoured had done nothing to kill it.

  And now my eyes slowly lowered from the candle to the table in front of me.

  A syringe.

  A silver spoon.

  A lighter.

  A small bag full of heroin.

  Oblivion in such a small, simple arrangement.

  It had been five months since I’d last felt the slow rush inside me, since my body had yielded to a place where nothing could hurt me, where the pain stopped and my family lived. I knew it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be, but for the small moment it granted me, I relished the illusion it always awarded me.

  Voices whispered in my head, echoes of screams made my skin crawl and a deep shiver ravaged my body. Pushing off the floor, my knees groaning in appreciation after being knelt before the table for so long, I grabbed the remote and turned the music up, praying the decibels drowned out the horror that lived inside me.

  Another cold shiver burst a mass of goosebumps across my skin. Seizing hold of the handrail, I pulled myself up the stairs, dragging my drunken feet carefully up each step until I reached the top and turned to the bathroom.

  The bathroom had yet to be fitted with a heater, but turning the hot tap on, the steam soon overwhelmed the chill and coated me in warmth.

  My clothes hit the floor and I climbed into the bath, hissing at the hot water as I sank down, whiskey bottle still in my hand. Coldplay’s Paradise played loudly and I couldn’t help but snort at it. This was so far from paradise – it was hell. A living hell that wouldn’t ever set me free.

  I rested my head back, closed my eyes, and lifted the bottle high in the air. “Happy birthday, Joshy. I love you, baby, and I hope you’re having the best party ever.”

  The room swam before me as I took a long pull on the bottle. Why wasn’t it numbing everything? Why could I still remember?

  My heavy eyes closed and at long last unconsciousness dragged me under.

  “Wake up, damn you!”

  I could hear him but my brain wouldn’t register what the words meant. “Mmm.”

  “Alice! Come on!”

  I was being dragged out of the water, the cold hitting my naked body and making me vibrate with the deep chill. I struggled, trying to climb back into the depths of the water, even though it was now cold.

  “Stop fighting me, woman!”

  Softness enveloped me, the touch of soft towelling making me snuggle down and concede. I couldn’t fight anymore. “I’m so tired,” I muttered.

  “Then sleep,” his soft voice whispered as he lay me down on the bed. “Sleep, sweet Alice.”

  The mattress comforted me, the softness taking my pain and easing it. I shook my head when I felt fingers softly stroking across my arms, then the inside of my thighs, and then my feet. “What are you doing?” The words were slurred, incoherent, but Carter must have understood me because he said quietly, “Looking for puncture sites.”

  At first my addled brain didn’t understand, then I shook my head. “I haven’t.”

  “Good.”

  “Yet.”

  “No, not yet,” he growled. “Never.”

  I swallowed and flinched at his gruff voice as I prised my tired eyes open to look at him. The sadness in his eyes joined the rest of the pain and intensified it. My tears blurred his handsome face and I reached out to touch him, to feel him if I couldn’t see him. His thin beard tickled my palm and I couldn’t help but smile at the sensation when he pressed his hand against mine and held it tight against him. “The only time I can remember their faces is when I’m high.” I winced at my own honesty and turned away from him.

  His grip on my face was gentle as he turned me back to look at him. He swallowed heavily and closed his eyes
for a single second, as if needing to find the courage from somewhere. “Who, Alice?”

  His fingers were in my hair, softly stroking. Calm crept inside me and I sighed as my eyes closed once more. “All of them. My family. The only people I have ever loved, Carter.” I opened my eyes and gazed at him. “They’re all dead. All of them.”

  He gulped and I watched him snap his teeth together, his jaw trembling under the fierce compression. “Then sleep, Alice. Dream of them.”

  I smiled and nodded. And then I did as he asked. I slept and I dreamed of them. Of their screams in the night, of their pain, of skin peeling away from their burning bodies, of Josh’s tears, and the last word he ever muttered – “Mummy!”

  I woke with a start, screams ricocheting around my skull. But it wasn’t those that woke me, it was the wet, sloppy tongue in my ear that did.

  “What the…?”

  I shot upright, my eyes widening on a Labrador puppy who was adamant he gave me a welcoming kiss as he climbed up my chest and his tongue tried to cover the whole of my shocked face.

  “Ahh, your birthday present.”

  I turned my face to Carter who was lying behind me on the bed. My mouth fell open when I realised I was upright and the duvet was around my waist, exposing my bare breasts to Carter’s gaze. Yanking it up, I scowled at him when he lifted his eyes back to mine and away from my chest. “What?”

  “The dog,” he said casually as he grabbed hold of the pup. “My present for your birthday.” He frowned at me as he slipped off the bed. “You did say you wanted one, didn’t you?”

  “Well, yes, but…”

  “Then, sorted. I’ll train him myself, and he’ll forever protect you.” He tipped his head. “From Grant.”

  “What? I don’t need protecting from Grant!”

  His eyebrows lifted as he pulled on a pair of jeans. It was only then I realised he had been wearing nothing but boxer shorts – tight boxer shorts. When I shot my eyes upwards, a smug smirk tipped his lips but he said nothing about my blatant perusal. “It didn’t seem that way when you took his call.”