Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You

by Todd Hasak-Lowy

  Darren doesn’t mind the idea of getting presents first thing (he’s less psyched about being sung to while still in bed), but still, does his lousy sixteenth birthday really have to start with his dad’s now totally official boyfriend (who Darren somehow actually likes) singing to him first thing in the morning, all because Darren’s parents got divorced and his dad is homosexual and met Ray and then it snowed ten inches in Denver?

  9. Plus last year Nate came home for Thanksgiving, which was okay in general, only at dinner he started talking about colonialism and Native Americans and ethnic cleansing and how, in his words, “Thanksgiving is pretty much total bullshit when you stop and think about it.”

  Their mom (it was just the three of them; they went to their dad’s on Friday morning) listened to why he thought Thanksgiving was bullshit, and then she said, “Well, that may all be true, but I think we still have plenty of reasons to be thankful.”

  Only Nate just said, “Yeah, I guess, like living in a society where it’s okay not to give a shit about genocide.” And so then they had a big fight that Darren heard most of from the bathroom. It wasn’t actually his birthday that day, but whatever, now he likes Thanksgiving even less, though he’s not really sure if he should. Either way, he’s pretty sure it’s now going to make his birthday even lamer.

  10. And the truth is none of this would matter so much if Zoey lived here and he knew she was his girlfriend. But she doesn’t and he has no idea if she is. She’s something, at least he hopes she is. Well, at least they’re in touch, even if it is in their weird way. Things would be way simpler if it were all or nothing with her. Instead it’s something in between. Way closer to nothing than all, but enough of something to be something.

  Not to mention Rachel, his other long-distance love interest. They at least communicate with actual words, but is this even a good thing? Because Rachel is somehow okay with anything and everything, including him being honest with her about Zoey and continually postponing his visit to Minneapolis.

  Maybe having the right girlfriend would make his life better or maybe it wouldn’t. But he can’t know that until he has the right girlfriend. Which he for some reason thinks Zoey would be and for some reason thinks Rachel isn’t. But maybe he’s wrong. Wrong about Zoey being right and wrong about Rachel being not right. Or, even worse, wrong about the whole right-girlfriend theory in general.

  Whatever the case, there’s no way in the world he’s going to resolve any of this today, meaning the supposedly new stage of his life his sixteenth birthday is supposed to somehow usher in isn’t really going to be a new stage at all. It’s just going to be more of the pointless suckiness and confusion that seemed to jam-pack the year that came to an end yesterday at midnight.

  9 Dates of Communications between Darren and People Who Have Been or Still Are in the General Vicinity of Belén, New Mexico

  1. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

  Say what you will about Darren, but don’t think he feels anything but right at home in the land of Google. Because the second Rachel left their house Saturday afternoon (turned out her parents weren’t so crazy about the stay-at-some-boy’s-house backup plan) Darren was knee-deep in the search engine. He started with “Belén New Mexico boarding school,” and it took him a while, but eventually he found it: Savilleta Ranch Academy, “a therapeutic boarding school for troubled teenagers,” which looked to be about nine miles from Belén.

  Darren spent two straight hours reading basically every last word on their website. The overview, the clinical program, the academic stuff, et cetera. He even read about a dozen of these very long and pretty strange “letters” one of the therapists writes to parents and alumni on a majorly regular basis. Sample sentence: “The courage required to be weak, to be vulnerable, this is what we asked of them yesterday.”

  Of course the site said absolutely nothing specific (or even vague) about any of the kids there, but that doesn’t mean Darren was left without potential material for filling in his admittedly still fairly sketchy picture of Zoey. Drinking, drugs, addiction, mental illness, crime, suicide attempts, the list was long and there wasn’t a single place to hide inside it. As Darren reluctantly put the list together and asked himself just how many of them fit Zoey, he couldn’t quite convince himself the details didn’t matter. Even worse, he couldn’t help but notice this part of him saying, “Dude, turn off the computer and forget the whole damn thing already. And yes, that means Zoey, too.”

  But Darren didn’t. Or couldn’t. Or just wouldn’t. Because apparently there was some feeling in him for her that was bigger and/or prior to the contents of her disastrous list. Which was either a really good sign or a really bad one. Regardless, he started another search, which was way more complicated and desperate than the first, but he eventually struck gold with “spent challenging years Savilleta Ranch Academy.” There it was, a link to a blog belonging to some guy named Ben Zwiren. His blog’s called The Other Side and showed a picture of Ben, who looked kind of scraggily and high and/or wise. More important, it included a few essays by Ben, one of which mentioned that he “spent two challenging years at Savilleta Ranch Academy.” Two years that ended in June.

  So Darren sent Ben a friend request.

  2. MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

  Darren had no idea how to respond to Zoey’s drawing. Part of him thought it gave him permission to write her a real letter, and part of him wasn’t so sure. He was so mental about her by this point, and even more mental about just being mental about her, that he didn’t trust himself to use actual words where she was involved. Not to mention, without knowing how she meant “fond memory,” there was just no way to actually say anything without maybe sounding very stupid and even mean. All he did know was that he sure as hell loved that drawing, which kind of made him understand that whole “a picture’s worth a thousand words” saying for the very first time.

  But what about some songs? Some of the jazz he was now into obsessively? Who knows, maybe she just wanted them to send stuff to each other but not give each other updates about what was actually happening in their lives. Which was why she sent that drawing in the first place.

  If those were the rules, he could be okay with them.

  And songs were kind of what was happening in his life. To the extent that anything was. Like, how many hours was he spending in his room listening to these songs and copying all those CDs he got from the library?

  Not to mention, he decided, it would be kind of cool just sending stuff without actual letters, because most letters people send each other are just a bunch of boring updates or dumb clichés. And Darren knew he could make a pretty good playlist, and would probably make her a bunch of playlists if she were here (and they were at least friends).

  Plus, even though he wasn’t going to be using words, the truth was most of the songs he’d include were either love songs or songs that feel kind of romantic to him. So in some ways he would be telling her what he thinks. And even if she didn’t get that at all, so what? But he kind of had a hunch she would. Like she’d get it even if she didn’t totally 100 percent realize she was getting it.

  So he sent her a playlist with a bunch of old jazz tunes on it.

  3. WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

  Ben accepted Darren’s friend request.

  4. WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

  Darren sent Ben a message: Hey, I saw on your blog that you were at Savilleta Ranch Academy. A friend of mine is there. I think. Zoey Lovell. Do you know her? Is she okay?

  5. FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10

  Ben wrote back: I can’t talk about other residents. Sorry, man. I can’t even tell you if she’s there or not. Confidentiality: serious matter there. Serious. But if she is there, good place. Hard place too. But very good.

  For a while Darren figured that was that. She was there or she wasn’t, but this Ben guy was clearly not about to divulge anything useful, even though, if Darren had to guess, he totally knew Zoey, maybe even better than Darren. Which made Darren just about lose his mind. But right w
hen he was getting ready to assume she didn’t get his letter, or did but couldn’t give a shit, and that the whole thing was, is, and always would be a very bad idea, then, on

  6. SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25,

  he got a letter from Zoey. Well, not exactly a letter. Another drawing. Rolled up in a tube. It wasn’t totally clear what materials she used, some kind of weird paint. So maybe it was a painting. Whatever it was, the picture was mostly dark, though you could sort of see the ground near the bottom, which was definitely desert. But most of the drawing was of the sky, which she somehow filled with stars, like hundreds or maybe even thousands of tiny individual dots that were actually the paint or whatever it was being removed. Very carefully.

  Because it was pretty obvious, looking at the dots, which weren’t all the same size or at all evenly distributed, that she spent a ridiculously long time making each and every one of them. Darren could almost see her in New Mexico, sitting outside her cabin (or wherever the hell residents stay at Savilleta Ranch Academy, a cottage maybe?) at night, staring up at the sky, looking down at her picture, scraping away a super tiny spot, looking up again, and repeating this for like three nights in a row. Near the top left corner of the picture was a little white arrow pointing at one star. And just below that, the word, also scraped out of paint, “home.” A capital Z in the bottom right corner, same technique. That was it.

  Darren, sitting in the house, which was one of his two supposed homes, wrestled with an urge to commandeer his mom’s car and drive straight to New Mexico, even though he didn’t have his license yet and hated driving. Instead, on that same day,

  7. SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25,

  he wrote Ben again. Maybe because all the alternatives (his mom, his dad, Nate, maybe Zoey or even Rachel) didn’t exactly seem like alternatives. He was so confused about who to contact and what to say, he did one of those usually foolish, impulsive online things, which in this instance meant writing this:

  Hey man. Zoey sent me a couple things. Her artwork. I don’t know what to do. I really like her. These things she sent, I don’t know, I think she likes me. And maybe needs something from me. To help her, even. But what the hell am I supposed to do? Am I crazy to like someone there? Am I crazy to think she likes me? Am I dumb to wait? I sent her a playlist, but I want to write her a letter and just tell her everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. Should I? I know you don’t know me and maybe don’t even know her, but at least you know where she is. I think. Please help.

  But Ben didn’t write him back for a while, so he just sent her another playlist on

  8. WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5,

  which she still hasn’t responded to. And Ben hasn’t responded either. At least, he still hadn’t when Darren went to bed last night.

  9. FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28

  But here it is, the first birthday present Darren gets today. A Facebook message from Ben, which Darren reads on his phone, in his bed, while waiting for his dad and Ray to come and sing to him.

  Okay, she’s there. She is. Really shouldn’t be telling you that, but I am (don’t spread it, SERIOUSLY). As for telling her everything (I mean, EVERYTHING): not something I recommend. Not right now. Whatever she’s dealing with, it’s pretty intense. They make sure of that over there. If you show up thinking you don’t have some serious shit to deal with, then first thing, they help you see you’ve got that very, very wrong. So yeah, basic tenet of the program: You’re not supposed to have a girlfriend or boyfriend while you’re there. Which I can explain why another time if you want, but basically: Dealing with your shit in a serious manner is not possible when you’re telling yourself your girl-/boyfriend is going to make everything okay. Which is what everyone thinks. Everyone. Ergo: bad idea. But she needs a friend right now. Be that for her. Seriously. Oh, and happy birthday (Facebook told me).

  So maybe it’s not actually a present, but the timing, well, Darren can’t exactly ignore the timing.

  17 Songs on the First Playlist Darren Sent to Zoey

  1. “I Love Music,” Ahmad Jamal

  2. “Lucky to Be Me,” Bill Evans

  3. “Autumn Leaves,” Cannonball Adderley

  4. “Theme for Lester Young,” Charles Mingus

  5. “Day Dream,” Duke Ellington

  6. “Fleurette Africaine,” Duke Ellington

  7. “All Too Soon,” Duke Ellington

  8. “Dolphin Dance,” Herbie Hancock

  9. “Naima,” John Coltrane

  10. “Say It (Over and Over Again),” John Coltrane

  11. “Ceora,” Lee Morgan

  12. “My Funny Valentine,” Miles Davis

  13. “It Never Entered My Mind,” Miles Davis

  14. “I Loves You, Porgy,” Miles Davis

  15. “I’ll Remember April,” Sonny Clark

  16. “Footprints,” Wayne Shorter

  17. “Infant Eyes,” Wayne Shorter

  11 Songs Disqualified from Inclusion on the Playlist Because Their Titles Were a Little Too Appropriate

  1. “When Your Lover Has Gone”

  2. “I Got It Bad and That Ain’t Good”

  3. “I Want to Talk about You”

  4. “The Touch of Your Lips”

  5. “I Fall in Love Too Easily”

  6. “My Foolish Heart”

  7. “You Go to My Head”

  8. “You’re My Everything”

  9. “It’s Bad to Be Forgotten”

  10. “If I Could Be with You”

  11. “Lover Come Back to Me”

  3 Languages Ray (and His Dad) Sing “Happy Birthday” to Darren In (Actually, His Dad Only Sings the First and a Bit of the Last)

  1. English

  2. Portuguese

  3. Spanish

  5 Ray-Related Memories That Come to the Surface While Ray and His Dad Are Singing That Once Again Prevent Darren from Hating Ray, Even Though He Keeps Expecting to Really Despise the Guy and Still Sort of Wants To

  1. The first time he tasted something from the Green Llama, which is this amazing vegetarian restaurant where Ray’s the head chef. Just a little dumpling filled with sweet potato and who knows what else. The thing tasted so good Darren couldn’t just say, “Whatever” to his dad, which is what he was planning on saying when his dad first demanded he taste the thing. Instead, “Holy shit, that’s insane.”

  2. The first time he met Ray face-to-face (and not just saw him from far away and through a car window, like he did the night of the soup delivery). Which was sometime in the middle of October, about four days after his dad decided to tell him (at Dr. Schrier’s office) that some guy named Ray was now his official boyfriend. Darren stopped by his dad’s place on the way to school that morning (he’d forgotten his physics textbook there) and found some guy on the couch, drinking coffee and reading the New York Times.

  Darren just stood there, right by the entrance, looking at this guy, who was sitting on the couch, looking back at Darren.

  “Good morning,” the guy said in this accent of his, because, it turns out, his dad is Brazilian and his mom is from Nicaragua (it might actually be the other way around).

  “Hey,” Darren said, probably not loud enough to be heard.

  Darren was so uncomfortable, he thought the back of his head might split open.

  Only just then the guy said, “Ray,” nodded his head a bit, and raised his mug toward Darren, maybe to mean, Yes this is awkward and perhaps unfortunate, but here we are, and look, we have survived this moment, so cheers.

  Darren didn’t say “Darren,” in part because Ray certainly knew who Darren was, but also because Darren was still more paralyzed than not. Though whatever Ray just said did allow Darren to resume breathing. And it was around then—after he remembered why he was there in the first place and that it was an otherwise regular Tuesday morning and that at some point he’d have to do something—that he noticed the music, which had been playing all along.

  There was something about the rhythm that grabbed him. The song almost sounded like one of the songs (“Record
a Me”) Mr. Keyes was trying to teach them, but not exactly. It made Darren kind of want to tap his foot, even though he realized he had no idea how you were supposed to tap your foot to music like this.

  Ray noticed Darren noticing the song, pointed to the speakers and said, “Novos Baianos.” Darren didn’t say anything, so Ray said, “That’s the name of the group. You like it?” Darren didn’t want to answer, so he just shrugged his shoulders, walked to his room, grabbed the book, and left, mumbling, “See ya.”

  3. About four days later, at their first official meeting, when something similar was playing. Ray said, “Darren, if you like, I can put some of this music on your iPod, if you like.”

  Part of Darren wanted to say, Ray, if you like, I can push you off a cliff. But he didn’t, maybe because Ray made his offer in this way that made Darren at least feel like he might want to consider it. It’s a hard tone to describe, but it sort of sounded like, “I know we’re only having this conversation because your parents got divorced and your dad came out of the closet, but this music is, I swear, a gift from heaven, and it would make me really happy to share it with you, and just think, if you really like this music—and I’m confident you will—then the divorce and your dad being gay wouldn’t be all bad, so, you know, it’s up to you.”

  Or something like that.

  So Darren gave his dad his iPod to give to Ray, who put this playlist with about fifty songs on it.

  4. This one weirdly sunny and beautiful day in late October, when Darren decided to walk home from school. He put on Ray’s playlist, which he hadn’t listened to yet. Pretty much out of principle he hadn’t. As in, screw Ray and his maybe literally gay music. But then, honestly, Darren was having one of those days he’d been having more often than not this school year, when it feels like the sucky-to-bearable ratio was around seven to one. Meaning he was feeling a little desperate. Plus, at some point Ray and/or his boyfriend/Darren’s dad was going to ask Darren what he thought. So he might as well at least get this little bit of homework out of the way.