by Lacey Silks
“I wanted to ask whether you would joi—”
He stopped mid-sentence and his gaze lifted. He was looking at someone standing in the hallway leading to the bathroom, and I knew exactly who that someone was. Carter pulled his hand away from mine, and I watched the slow shift in his face from puppy dog to ruthless hound.
No, no, no.
“Seriously? My brother?”
“Hey, Carter. What’s up?”
“What’s up? What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Taking a shower. It’s been a long night.”
“I bet it was.”
Carter’s face took on a shade that matched my burgundy drapes. The veins in his neck swelled, their pressure threatening to pop. He stood up and rushed at his brother, pinning him against the wall. Maxwell’s towel slipped off his hips. Though naked, he was covered by Carter’s body. Still, the side view was definitely interesting.
Stop it, Molly! I couldn’t think around Carter. His presence in this apartment was screwing with my mind.
“Whoa, you got it all wrong, brother.” Max didn’t make any effort to fight Carter off. The brothers had always had a good but competitive relationship, and I really hoped that my letting Max stay over wasn’t about to ruin our friendship.
“I asked you what the fuck you’re doing here!”
“He’s on his way back from Texas. His car broke down by the hospital late at night.”
The grip of Carter’s arms on Max’s shoulders eased.
“You make it a thing of coming out of the shower in a towel at a stranger’s place at two-thirty in the morning?”
“Molly’s hardly a stranger, and I heard her talking to someone out here.”
“I worked the late shift,” I said, but it didn’t seem like either of them heard me.
“So, what’s it to you if she’s talking to someone?” Carter remained in Max’s face, and it didn’t seem like he wanted to take a step back.
“Okay, this is getting out of control. Max, go to your room.” Boy, did I ever sound like my mother. “Carter, sit.” And a dog groomer.
As Max bent down to pick up his towel, somewhat pushing Carter out of the way, he inadvertently flashed me his goods. I guessed it was true what Carter had previously said jokingly about firefighters: that they had longer hoses.
Wait, Max was not a firefighter. Was Carter’s hose just as long?
Stop it!
Once Max left to change in my room, I plopped down on the couch and stretched my legs out. I was so wrong to have thought that my day full of emergencies was over when I finished my shift. Carter pulled out a flask and took another swig. Who in their right mind carried beer in a flask? My insides twisted with both disgust and memories from the past. Just the smell of it, which I remembered on my father’s breath, turned my stomach. He finally sat down on the stool at the kitchen table, nearly falling over. Maybe he wasn’t as ready as I’d thought.
“I can’t believe you’d put out for my brother.”
What the fuck?
“Leave, you asshole!” I pointed to the front door. Did he seriously think he could talk to me like that? What was it I’d thought about his maturity earlier? Because it was definitely not there.
For a brief moment, when our gazes connected, I thought Carter would come to his senses and apologize. I thought that there was a chance he’d finally break through all those walls we’d both kept up over the years and make everything right between us. Instead, he took another swig from his flask, and left.
CARTER
My flesh burned. Monstrous flames seared the kitchen and family room downstairs. Though on a different floor, I could feel their heat inching upstairs, where the rooms were filling with black smoke.
“Mackenzie! Mac!” I screamed. From my experience, unless she was nearby, she wouldn’t hear me over the roaring blaze. I’d already checked both floors, and the only remaining room was the attic, where the fumes were the thickest. I looked up at the ladder, letting my instinct carry me up the rungs. The room was already filled with smoke when I heard a quiet cry. I got down on all fours and searched over the floor, praying that Mackenzie had remembered to stay low. Thank God I’d taken her to the firehouse, where we took pride in teaching kids about fire safety.
“Mac? Honey, where are you? We need to get out of here.”
“Uncle Carter?”
My eyes were beginning to water. Trying to make it out of the house with this girl secure in my arms was becoming more impossible with every passing second. I wasn’t sure how I’d do it, but I knew that I’d die for her, and I wouldn’t give up until my lungs filled with soot only for hers to breathe fresh air again.
Focus, Carter.
“Mac?” I heard Nick’s voice from downstairs. Stupid ass must have run into my burning house behind me! Didn’t he know this place was a death sentence? I’d hoped that the flames would scare him enough to keep him back. I yelled for him to get out. Mackenzie’s father, of course, didn’t listen. I didn’t have any kids of my own, but I knew that I wouldn’t have listened either.
When I’d found out that Mackenzie was missing this morning, I interrupted Nick and Jo’s rendezvous by banging on his front door. It was my responsibility to watch their daughter, and I failed. I’d never forget the look of disappointment in Jo’s eyes when I told her that Mac was missing. And then the smoke billowed over the horizon, and we all hurried back to this house.
It was my fault that Mackenzie was in danger. Not only had I let her get lost, but I also hadn’t turned off the gas to a stove that was supposed to be fixed. I definitely wouldn’t be getting firefighter of the year award for that one. Instead of turning the gas off and fixing the stove, I’d decided to visit Daisy at the cemetery, and then went drunk to Molly’s. I played out the scene of my stupidity at Molly’s over and over again, in my mind. Three long days of regret later, my house was burning down, and I had no time to think.
Both Jo and Nick would never forgive me if anything happened to their little girl. Hell, I wouldn’t forgive myself.
“Uncle Carter, it’s hard to breathe,” I heard.
“Stay low, Mac. I’m almost there.” I crawled on all fours to where I heard her voice, my palms searching the wooden floor, slivers embedding into my desperate fingertips, until I finally reached her. Mackenzie threw her arms around me, coughing.
“I’m scared.”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of, Mac. The best firefighter in town has you now, okay? What do you say we get out of here?”
“Yes.”
“Put your face into my shirt, and try to hold as big a breath as you can.”
“Okay.”
She snuggled into me, holding my shirt tight with her tiny hands. Under the pressure of her hold, the collar dug into my throat, nearly strangling me. I stayed close to the floor and kept my eyes closed. The smoke was so thick that it was pointless to keep them open. There was no other exit up here, and I wondered whether I’d lost my bearings. When I finally felt the threshold at the opening to the attic, a second-long relief washed over me. Then I heard Nick’s voice.
“You found her!”
I did, but my lungs were beginning to ache. Despite holding my breath and sucking in air through my shirt sleeve only when I needed, I could feel that the smoke swirling in my lungs was beginning to deprive my body of much-needed oxygen.
“Nick, you gotta take her and get her out of here.”
I handed Mackenzie to my friend and prayed that they’d find safety. Once they were gone, I concentrated on my own escape. Feeling like a blind man, I turned around and took the first five steps down the ladder when something cracked underneath me.
Shit!
The fire had spread too quickly. The ladder gave way to the flames and collapsed underneath me. It felt like my body was in free fall for a long time. Too long, in fact, and I didn’t even remember hitting the floor. I realized that more fire must have been fed by a gust of wind. And then I saw Daisy. It must have brought her gh
ost, here from the cemetery. She was wearing her favorite daisy-print dress, white with blooming yellow flowers. Her hair was different than I remembered – flowing and lighter, almost angelic. She looked as beautiful as the day I’d fallen in love with her. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that she couldn’t be here, and the smoke must have knocked me right out. If that were so, I was either dead, or about to be burned to a crisp.
Still, her presence forced me to focus on her, and I felt at peace.
“I miss you,” I said.
“I miss you as well, Carter, but you need to move on. Give yourself permission to be happy again.”
“I want to be, but it’s not easy.”
“Life is not easy, but it’s life.”
“I’m going to burn in this house and be with you, Daisy.”
“And I’m not going to let that happen, my love. Not today.”
“Why? Why won’t you let me die? I tried so hard and failed so many times. Life was so much simpler with you.”
“That’s because we were young and without responsibilities. Besides, it’s not your time yet. I need you. Molly needs you, and you’re going to need her.”
“How do you know that?”
And how did Daisy need me?
She rolled her eyes in true Daisy style, “Hello? I’m dead. I know things.”
“Well, it doesn’t look like I’m getting out of this one, babe, so I’ll be seeing you permanently soon, beautiful.”
“You need to wake up and be the man I know you are.” She blew me a kiss and faded out into the thick black cloud. I tried to catch the smoky outline of her lips, but it disappeared before I could reach it with my hand.
“I said wake up, Carter.” Molly’s voice vibrated in my ears as I felt clean air fill my lungs. It burned deep into the tissue of my chest. I opened my eyes slowly. The shock of bright light forced me to shut them again.
“Come on, big boy. You can do it.”
Big boy?
I wanted to chuckle, but my body felt heavy and constrained. A memory of hot pain flashed through my mind, and I flinched. Where was I? Why was Molly here? Did I sleep at her house? No, I was pretty sure I’d remember that.
“How are you feeling, Carter?” she asked.
Fine, I wanted to say. A little sore, I think. But my throat was dried up. I felt my cracked lips with the tip of my tongue, and then something touched my mouth.
“Drink some water. You’ve been out for a while. Do you remember anything?”
I tried to open my eyes again, this time fighting against the bright light until I focused in on Molly’s beautiful face. I shook my head slightly to signal a ‘no.’
“Well, you’re at a hospital. You’ve been here for three weeks now, sedated, because your body needs to heal, and the doctors couldn’t have you moving.”
What the fuck happened? I opened my eyes wide, hoping that Molly would understand my question.
“There was a fire…” she started, and I tuned her out. Memories of my house burning came rushing back: bright flames, black smoke, crackling wood, shattering glass, a roaring blaze. How did I get out? Did Nick make it out with Mackenzie? An ache in my lungs forced me to take in a sharp breath. I wanted to get up and get them, but my legs were fastened to the bed, and so were my arms. I looked to Molly. There were so many questions I had that I didn’t know where to start, so I decided to do so with the most important one.
“Mac?” I managed to ask.
“She’s well, and so is Nick. You saved her life, but the smoke got to you. Nick went back in to get you. He’s fine as well. You were unresponsive for a long time, but you’re good now.”
I let go of the tension in my shoulders. My body relaxed as I looked to Molly to continue. She gently took my hand, and I noticed that the tips of my fingers were the only part of my entire arm sticking out.
“You sustained some burns, Carter.” I followed her gaze as she looked over my arm, then onto my torso. I assumed I was bandaged there as well. In fact, my leg felt tighter than it should have, too.
“Three weeks?” How could so much time have passed and I had no recollection of any of it?
“You’ve been in and out of consciousness for two weeks now. In an induced coma the first week. You might not remember much because of the morphine. They removed your feeding tube yesterday and eased the drugs so you could be more aware.”
I took another sip of water through the straw she was holding to my lips.
“I don’t remember.”
“That’s normal. Some memories may come back and some may not, but you’re good. Everything’s going to be good.”
Hearing Molly trying too hard to convince me sounded as if she were trying to convince herself, which made me wonder about the severity of my burns.
“Nick was a donor for some of the skin grafts. He was a perfect match. He saved your life.”
“They couldn’t take my skin?”
“They did. But they needed more.”
“How much more?”
“Your injuries… well, they were pretty extensive.”
I lifted my head slightly, and the room spun. Most of my left side was bandaged: my leg, my arm, and my torso. Molly kept smoothing her fingers over mine, and for the first time since waking up, I felt chills.
“I need a mirror.”
“Carter, you…”
“Molly, I’m not going to ask you again. I can ring for a nurse who will get me a mirror, but if you care for me at all, you will bring me a mirror. Let me see my face.”
She reached for a purse on a side table and removed a round compact. Her hand shook as she stretched it toward me. While I didn’t feel any bandages on my face, I knew that there was something wrong with it.
“Open it.”
She shook her head.
“Open it and show me, or I’ll do it myself.” Though I knew I couldn’t, because my arm was bandaged which prevented me from bending it, I would have found a way.
“Carter, it will take time to heal. Once it does, you will barely notice them.”
After the one look I gave her, she finally opened the palm-sized mirror, twisting it for me to see my right side. I looked it over, then turned my head to the left. Blotches of red marked the left side of my face. They were everywhere. Some were oozing yellow puss, others bubbled up with liquid underneath.
“I’m a monster.”
I started heaving air in and out of my lungs, and my first thought was that Nick should have left me in that fire. He should have left me there to burn, so I wouldn’t have to go through the torture.
“Carter, the scarring will be minimal on those. They’re small enough that—”
“Get out.”
I couldn’t even fucking tighten my fists. I felt my body shake and my anger start to boil. The room spun again, and the walls closed in around me.
“What?” she asked, her eyes sad and confused.
“I said, get out. Now.” Desperate to be alone, I pointed to the door with my gaze and didn’t look at her again. She pulled in a sniffle just before she left, and I felt my heart pinch with guilt.
MOLLY
The call came in at three in the morning, jolting me awake from a nightmare. I was ready to jump through that phone receiver and plant grateful kisses on whoever was on the other line. It was my third nightmare this week, and I was beginning to feel as if my past were catching up to the present. I felt like a stranded gazelle in the middle of the savannah with a herd of lions stalking me.
“Hello?” I answered, half-asleep.
“Molly?”
I gasped and wiped the sweat beads off my forehead.
“Carter? What’s wrong?”
To say that I was surprised to hear his voice would have been an understatement because for the past two weeks I’d been trying to get in touch with him every day – unsuccessfully, of course. The first couple of days when I returned to the hospital, he’d thrown me out of the room. On the third day, his brother Max was standing gua
rd at the door and asked me to leave before I even got to touch the doorknob. He explained that Carter needed time. My attempts to see him were pointless. I wanted to help him, but how could I? He let Jo see him, Nick and Mackenzie, as well as his family; but not me. Yes, I was hurt, and many times I swore that I’d never talk to him again, but when I heard his voice over the phone, all I wanted to do was run to him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. They’re releasing me in the morning.”
“That’s great news.” I turned on the night light, wiped my eyes, and took a sip of water.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“It’s not? Are you not feeling well?”
“Well, no, I’m fine. I… Maybe I shouldn’t have called.”
“Don’t be silly, Carter. Of course you should have. I’ve been worried about you.”
“I’m sure Jo and Nick filled you in.” His voice held regret and uneasiness.
“They did, but I would have much preferred to hear it from you. You’ve blocked me out, and I don’t know what I did.”
“I’m sorry. You did nothing wrong, Molly. And I wish I could say that it was all those stupid painkillers they’ve been giving me, but it wasn’t. I just didn’t want you seeing me all burnt and crippled and ugly.”
I exhaled. Carter was exhibiting all the normal signs of a recovering burn victim: anxiety about his future appearance; feeling helpless and irritable.
“Carter, if there’s anyone who understands you, it’s me. I’ve worked with many patients, and I know what you’re going through. I really wanted to be there for you.”
“Thank you. I knew you did, and you may get your chance if you’re still up for it.”
“I’ll be right over.” I threw the receiver down and quickly changed without saying goodbye. I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I knew that I’d heard something in Carter’s voice that I hadn’t in the seven years since Daisy’s death.
Hope.
Ten minutes later, flashing my hospital pass, I pushed past security. Visitor hours ended at ten at night and if it weren’t for the fact that I worked here, I wouldn’t have gotten through. I knocked quietly on Carter’s door.