Stumped

by Dick Gear

  “Fucking coincidence is what it is, but they’re putting the pressure on me. So they want you taking charge of the sales group. You know, you still report to me though Allen.”

  “Oh of course, of course.”

  “Remember that Allen. You report to ME.”

  I grin. “Sure, Jacko. Whatever you say.”

  The following week I’m moved into a corner office and my assistant comes in to introduce herself while Eddie helps me set up my stuff. That was one of my demands, I wanted Eddie to be by my side when he wasn’t doing his trash runs and mopping the floors. Corporate agreed to it because they were convinced I could save our floundering sales force.

  “Eddie, could you put those books in the bookcase, make it look like I read and shit?” I say as he holds the box full of books that we brought in from home.

  Eddie laughs and nods. “Yes. I put them away for you.”

  I sit down at my desk and spin around in the chair a few times. That’s when the new girl enters. She’s hot, that’s the first thing I notice. Big old titties, and she’s showing them off with a low-cut blouse, nice tight black pants. I can practically see camel toe. Not too shabby. Jacko probably hired her for himself, he must be pissed now that corporate gave her to me.

  “Hi, I’m Nadine,” she says, waving. Her eyes flick down to my stumps but then back to my face.

  I introduce myself. “Don’t feel bad about noticing or staring at my hands—where my hands used to be.”

  “I don’t. Feel bad. Mind if I ask what happened?”

  Eddie grins. “They cut ‘em off!!”

  “Ed, take it easy.”

  “And put a stick in his ass!”

  I try and laugh, shake my head. “Ed’s a little slow. He doesn’t really get it.”

  Nadine gives a tiny smile. “Well. What did happen?”

  “I don’t really remember.”

  “Yes he does!”

  “Ed, knock it off.”

  Nadine sighs. “Need help putting your office together?”

  “That would be great. Then we have a big sales meeting, I need to knock some skulls.”

  A few hours later I call everyone together. The entire sales force is about twenty people, many of them chicks that I fucked once upon a time. Most of them hate me, they look at me with complete disdain. The few who went to HR and filed the sexual harassment complaint are sitting right up front together. Horse face, Donkey and Chubbs. I smile at them widely as I begin the meeting. Ed had to stay back at my office, I couldn’t chance it that he’d start yelling about me getting fucked in the ass with a stick or something.

  “The reason I got brought back in this leadership position is because sales have gone in the shitter this quarter. You all are ruining the company.”

  People roll their eyes, snicker, whisper.

  “Hey,” I say, walking back and forth, my fake hands swinging at my sides.

  “Don’t take my word for it. Go in and ask Jack about it. He’ll tell you. Everyone’s jobs are on the line. Now, one thing I know is sales. When I was here selling, I was at the top of the leader board every damn month. And it made my coworkers try harder and dig deeper.”

  “Oh you went deep all right,” someone says, just loud enough for me to hear.

  I look over and see Chubbs sitting there with a smug look on her face.

  “In any case, we’re going back to basics,” I say. “We’re going to start the Leader Board again, right up on the wall there. And every day we’re going to give prizes to the top sales people and the bottom feeders will have to do the grunt paperwork that everyone hates. That’s the punishment for not making money for the company. Got it?”

  Everyone just stares at me.

  “Well, you will get it,” I say. “Meeting adjourned.”

  Over the next month, I start cracking the whip on everyone. I stand in the sales room where all the cubicles are and I walk around, watching everyone, making sure there’s no goofing off. Eddie comes along with me, and he’s got a good eye. When someone is just fucking around making jokes or taking too many smoke breaks, Ed starts pointing and screaming. “NO! BACK TO WORK! NO!! NO!!”

  It’s so incredibly embarrassing that pretty soon nobody wants to take breaks at all anymore. And the sales have increased like two hundred percent since I started my new position.

  On top of that, Nadine is sending me some pretty strong signals. Like one day, I’m having Eddie massage the stump of my right hand. It still gets pretty sore, especially with the prosthetic piece always being on it.

  Nadine walks in with a sales report and sees him rubbing my stump.

  “Oh, sorry to intrude.”

  “It’s fine, you can leave that right on my desk, Nadine.”

  “Oh, okay.” She smiles and walks over, places the big report gently on the desk.

  “How’s it look?”

  “Amazing,” she says. “Your team is crushing, Allen. Corporate is going to be really happy. This week is the biggest week the sales group has EVER had. In like the history of the company.”

  “Wow.”

  Ed grins. “Back to work everyone!”

  “That’s right, Ed. Very good. Back to work.”

  Nadine watches him go to town on my wrist.

  “Gross, huh?” I say.

  She looks at me dead in the eye. “Not at all. Kind of…sexy actually.”

  “Don’t give me that crap.”

  “Do you want me to rub the other one?”

  I feel my dick stand to attention like it’s at Buckingham Palace. “No, that’s okay,” I say. “Ed would be sad if I took any duties away from him.”

  “I could rub something else then.”

  “No, you work for me. It would be sexual harassment.”

  Nadine laughs. “What?”

  Eddie laughs too. His teeth are yellow and his breath smells like eight day old baby diapers but I’m used to it.

  “Sexual harassment, Nadine. Ever heard of it? Just around the time of my kidnap—my accident, whatever…some girls at the office brought a complaint to HR

  about me.”

  “You’re not inappropriate with me.”

  I wink. “That’s because I learned my damn lesson. No more shitting where I eat.”

  “I know the sexual harassment laws, Allen. It has to be unwanted sexual advances that create a hostile work environment. But I’m the one saying I want to massage you, so it’s okay.”

  “But that’s your word against mine,” I tell her. Eddie stops rubbing my stump and puts my fake hand back over my wrist. “If we start banging, the higher ups will be only too happy to give me a ticket to Unemployment City.”

  “Unemployment City? Is that some kind of phrase you just made up?” Nadine asks, coming closer. I can smell her perfume and her titties are clearly visible through her low-cut blouse. I can practically see her nips poking out.

  “You know what I’m talking about. They’ll fire me if we fuck each other. I’m on thin ice around here.”

  “THIN ICE! YOU FALL INTO THE LAKE!!” Eddie shouts.

  “Not now, Eddie,” I tell him. He shrugs and leaves the room.

  Nadine folds her arms. “I know you want me.”

  “You don’t know me, Nadine. I’m a nasty guy. I used to bang older women just so I could tell stories about them to my bros.”

  She laughs. “Like a milf hunter or something?”

  My eyes widen. “You know about that stuff?”

  “I’ve seen porn before. Wow, you really must have dated some old ladies if they’d never heard of milf hunting.”

  “And that doesn’t disgust you.”

  “You’re a guy, guys are disgusting. Nothing new there.”

  “My left stump IS kind of sore,” I admit.

  “Let me rub it and make it all better,” she says.

  Next thing I know, Nadine is sitting on my lap and massaging my stump. Her huge tits are right in my face.

  “You might be an angel,” I tell her.

&nbs
p; Shortly thereafter, Nadine and I are seeing each other regularly. We spend almost all of our free time together. She feeds me, rubs my stumps—all the stuff Eddie used to do. But I still have Eddie doing a bunch of other tasks because we’re friends, and I don’t just drop my buddies when I’m in love. We’re like one big, happy, crippled and retarded family.

  Everything in my life is going good.

  Maybe too fucking good. I’m finally happy. In fact, if you ask me I’ll tell you straight up that I’m GLAD my hands got chopped off and all that shit. Because I’m a way more content person now than I was when I had my hands.

  And then something horrible happens.

  It’s two days before I’m scheduled to get my new robot hands and I’m really excited. Not only that, but I’ve been promoted to head of the entire division. I’m taking over Jacko’s office but first I have to tell him the deal.

  He’s been a real pain in the ass since I took over sales and had so much success. I hear stories about him making fun of me behind my back, pretending to be me and eating with his hands hidden under his sleeves so that food gets all over his face. Pretending he has stumps and shit.

  So I don’t feel too bad about what I have to do right now when I walk into his (my) office without knocking. He looks up from something and I can tell he’s been jacking off to internet porn.

  “Haven’t you ever heard of making a fucking appointment?” he says.

  “I know you’re not doing anything important,” I say.

  “As a matter of fact—“ he says, but I run to his computer and spin it around using my stump. There’s a document up on the screen.

  “I know you’re surfing porn, Jacko.”

  “Fuck off, I’m reviewing this SOP for Roger at corporate.”

  I gesture at the screen, my fake hand dangling. “Pull up your internet, motherfucker.”

  “No.”

  “Do it or I’ll call IT and make this public.”

  “What is your damage, man?”

  “Do it. Open Internet Explorer.”

  He opens the browser.

  “Now, go into history.”

  “This is totally over the line.”

  “Fine, I’m calling IT.”

  “Okay. Okay, I was surfing porn, happy?”

  “Show me the sites. Open up your history, dickwad.”

  He clicks on history and I see a laundry list of sites. Chubby chasers, black ho’s sucking dick, and even some tranny porn.

  “Didn’t know you were into dicks, Jacko.”

  “I’m not, it was an accident. She looked like a chick until I clicked the link.”

  “Uh huh.”

  He gets up and points at the door. “You’ve had your fun, now I’ll ask you kindly to get the hell out of my office.”

  “That’s the thing, Jacko. I’ve been sent to tell you the new deal. Corporate promoted me this morning. To Head of the Division.”

  His eyes widen. “And they didn’t tell me?”

  “My first task is to tell you that you’ve been demoted to a sales associate.”

  “Bullshit. They can’t do that.”

  “Oh yeah. They can. Chubbs went and filed a complaint against you. So did Pumpkin Tits.”

  “Goddamn it.” He puts his face in his hands and starts to cry.

  “I’m gonna need you to pack your shit and move to the cubicle next to Ray Ray.”

  A few hours later, Eddie and Nadine help me to start moving all of my stuff into the new office. Everything’s going perfect. Nadine and I have already gone to HR and let them know we’re seeing each other, it’s all out in the open.

  Nadine’s perfect for me. She LIKES it when I bust nuts in her face. But she’s more than just some stupid cum rag. She’s funny. She gets my sick humor. I enjoy spending time with her.

  In fact, I’m staring at her heart-shaped ass as she unpacks one of my boxes and getting yet another erection the size of the empire state building when my phone buzzes.

  It’s a text. And then another. And another.

  And it all goes to shit.

  “Eddie, could you bring me my phone?”

  “Yeah, yeah yeah!” Eddie screams, then wrangles my phone out of it’s holster and holds it up to my face.

  The first text is from Tad.

  YO, I’M AT JOSEM’S DELI BRO AND I THINK I MET SOMEONE WHO

  KNOWS U.

  My mouth goes dry.

  The next text is from Tad as well.

  I’M GONNA FUCK THIS OLD BIDDIE. WE’RE HEADING TO HER PLACE.

  “Jesus! Jesus Christ!”

  Nadine turns around. “What’s wrong?”

  “I need you to text someone for me. Quick.”

  “Okay…” Nadine takes the phone and I tell her what to type.

  “Tell him to get the hell out of there ASAP. But first, tell him to text us back the street names as he goes by them. We need to know where she’s taking him.”

  “What’s going on Allen?”

  “Just do this, I’ll explain everything later,” I tell her.

  Pretty soon, the texts start coming back with street names.

  “Tell him to make sure she doesn’t notice him using his phone if possible.”

  A few more texts come in with street names and then nothing.

  We wait for about an hour and then I know it’s over. They’ve got him.

  I’m getting really worked up, shaking, sweating, crying. I can hardly talk.

  “Baby, you need to tell me what’s happening,” Nadine says.

  “Eddie, take off for a minute. Go eat your ham and cheese, bro,” I tell him through my tears.

  “HAM AND CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!” He screams happily.

  “God I wish I could be as clueless and happy as that dude,” I say, watching him go.

  When the office door closes again, Nadine grabs my stump. “Tell me what the fuck is going on.”

  So I do. I break it down for her. I’ve never told her the true story even though I’ve always known she’d understand. But it’s just too painful and I hate thinking about what was done to me.

  But now’s the time. To say she’s shocked is an understatement. Her hand is over her mouth the whole time. And when I’m done she comes and hugs me. Strokes my hair and whispers that everything’s going to be fine. “You need to call the police,” she says, eventually.

  “No way. I don’t want to tell anybody what happened to me.”

  “But your friend is going to get killed.”

  I shake my head. “Fuck that. This is my chance.”

  “To get revenge?”

  “Yup.”

  She folds her arms. “You can’t do that. It’s dangerous. You might get killed.

  And if you end up hurting one of them, you could go to jail, Allen.”

  “All I ask is that you drive me to the road leading up to the house.”

  “No. I can’t be part of this,” she says. “You need to call the police.”

  I realize that as wonderful as Nadine is, this might be the end of us. Because I am going to get the fuckers that did this to me.

  But I can’t drive. So I get Eddie to drive me. I’ve seen him driving himself to and from work, as bizarre as it seems. He can actually do it.

  His GPS is some state of the art voice activated shit and so I can verbally plug in the addresses that Tad texted my phone. From there, I can only hope that my memory will kick in and I’ll be able to get us the rest of the way to Katarina’s hell hole.

  But what about once we get there? With no hands, I can’t really use a weapon.

  I don’t know, I just know I’m going to do something.

  “Where we going, Allen?”

  “Just drive. It’s a dangerous place. You aren’t going in with me.”

  “Okay Allen. Be care-careful.”

  “Yup.”

  As we get closer, it’s like a waking nightmare. The roads start to look familiar.

  I’m breaking out in a cold sweat like James Brown sang about. />
  Finally, we get to the last street name that came through the texts he sent. “Stop at this corner,” I say.

  We’re deep in the woods, now, and all these old winding roads look the same to me. Which way, that’s the question. Which way.

  Finally, a memory comes to me, from deep in my subconscious or some shit.

  I have a vivid flashback of me and Katarina in the car on the way over to her house, the bags of groceries in the backseat and me checking out her giant hanging old lady tits as she drives. And I can SEE the road that we’re on at this very moment in my mind’s eye.

  “Turn left,” I tell him. “Left.”

  And then we go the rest of the way with me directing him, like I’m in some kind of trance.

  Is it weird that as we get to the long driveway that leads to her house I have a hard-on again?

  “Stop the car here and let me out,” I tell Eddie.

  “Why?”

  “Because I have business to attend to. Personal shit.”

  Eddie stares at me with his lip hanging. “Is this where you hand was cut?”

  “Damn you’re pretty fucking smart for a ‘tard.”

  Eddie shrugs. “What if they cut off you FEET?”

  He’s got a point. I turn around and look in the back of his van. There’s all kinds of maintenance stuff in there, including tools and hammers and stuff. “Eddie, do you have something sharp back there?”

  Eddie smiles. “YES! Yes Allen!” He clambers into the back and starts throwing stuff around, making a big racket. Finally he pulls out a thin metal saw blade that looks just perfect for my needs.

  “What about duct tape?”

  “Quack quack Allen,” he shouts, and then produces a big roll of the stuff.

  “That’s right, duck tape,” I smile.

  “Now what?”

  “You tape that freaking blade to my stump, and tape it good and tight. Use the whole damn roll.”

  “Okay, good and tight!”

  Eddie does as I say and before too much time has gone by, I’ve got a nice weapon for my right hand. I practice swinging it a little bit, but quarters are tight and I don’t want to accidentally stab Eddie.

  “You pull the car out to the street and wait for me,” I tell him.

  “Right here,” he says.

  “Wait right there for me and if I don’t come back in two hours, drive to work and tell Nadine that the kidnappers are going to kill me.”