She lifts her head, a little stitch pulled between her eyes. “You said you had a sort of rocky start, but I didn’t realize it was that… precarious.”
“Yeah, not many people did. Hell, at the time I didn’t know how close I’d come to losing everything. Found out later, Coach had already made the call to let me go but held off after seeing me with Greg. Decided to see how things played out. What we could do.”
Beneath my hand, hers fist in my shirt, holding tight. “I’m glad he did.”
“Me too.” I lean forward to press a quick kiss to her forehead. “Thing is, it’s not like I was playing like crap or something. I was good. On the ice. Off the ice I was fucking up. It was a… rough time in my life. I was volatile. Doing stupid shit. Letting my mouth run, looking for trouble. Drinking too much. Fighting.” I close my eyes, remembering the torn skin across my knuckles, the blood in my teeth when I saw my reflection in the broken glass over the bar. The bar owner, a friend, telling me to get out. That he didn’t want to see my face again. He wasn’t the only one. “I’d worked my ass off for so damn long, made so many sacrifices to get where I was, made so many choices that cost me in ways I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. All to get my shot, and I was throwing it away.”
“God, Rux, why?”
The way she’s looking at me, it’s like she can’t even imagine this other version of me. Like she doesn’t believe it. And hell, I’ve made damn sure I never gave her a reason to suspect that other part of me existed. But tonight, I need her to know. I need her to want me anyway.
“My head wasn’t in a good place.” I run my hand over her hair, wondering if this time I’ll be able to tell her. “I got kind of messed up over this girl.”
Her brows lift, but unlike the past times women have come up, there’s no teasing lilt to her voice when she echoes, “A girl?”
And I get her surprise. For as long as Cammy has known me, girls have been a passing thing. Casual company. Everyone knows I don’t really date in any meaningful way. I’m not looking for forever, I don’t want the things most people want.
Marriage.
Kids.
Fuck.
But there was a time it was different.
“We dated in high school and through Juniors.” I can feel the vise tightening on my lungs just thinking about her. Beth. “I thought we’d get married.” I’d tried. I’d begged.
Cammy is completely still against me. Her eyes wide with shock when she asks, “What happened?”
“I screwed it up.” I swallow, hating how insufficient that explanation is. How it doesn’t even begin to convey the magnitude of what happened. I want to tell her, but Christ, I can’t do it. “Made mistakes. You know me, rash, impulsive. Don’t always think before I act. Surprisingly, I wasn’t any better at twenty,” I say, trying to make light. But Cammy doesn’t smile.
“Rux, I had no idea. How do I not know about any of this?”
I clear my throat, take a breath. “Yeah, well, things ended badly. I have… regrets.” I remember that damn ring leaving my hand, the light catching on the stone as it catapulted toward the river. That sick feeling twisting my gut, cutting off the air in my lungs. The pain. “Don’t really like to talk about it.”
I try to say more. Explain. But I can’t force the words past the knot strangling my throat. I can’t tell her what my actions cost me. How what happened changed me.
Cammy waits, but when I don’t say more, that hand over my heart presses closer. “I’m sorry.”
Not as much as me. “I was pretty messed up after. It didn’t affect my play right away. But eventually, no one could even see my game past all the bullshit outside of it. I didn’t recognize what I was doing, how bad things had gotten. There was just this angry red haze around me all the time, this noise in my head I couldn’t tune out.”
“I can’t even imagine you like that. It breaks my heart to hear about you in so much pain.”
I don’t deserve her sympathy, but I can’t manage to set her straight either. And I can’t let Beth spend any more time in my brain than she already has or I’ll start thinking about—
Don’t go there.
I force another breath, clear my throat, and pull Cammy’s hand up for a kiss. “But something happened when Greg and I paired up. Something changed. He recognized the potential before I did, just like he recognized that as good as we were on the ice, what I was doing off the ice could blow it all. I still remember getting into it with one of the guys in the locker room after a practice because I didn’t like the way he’d been looking at me or some stupid shit. Greg caught me before I swung and nearly laid me out right there. He got up in my face and didn’t get out of it until I could see that this wasn’t just about my shot in the NHL, that it wasn’t just his. That it was our whole team’s chance and what we did mattered to a hell of a lot more people than just me or him. That there were mothers and sisters and friends and coaches and mentors behind every one of these guys, all of them making sacrifices… all of them owed the best we could do. By the time he was done, I felt about as low as I could for the way I’d been fucking off. For not getting my head straight and not being a part of the team that needed me.”
The corner of her mouth tips up. “So you turned it around.”
“I turned it around. Got over myself. Grew a pair. Whatever.” My head drops back, and I let out a short breath before meeting her eyes again. “You know the expression ‘fake it till you make it’? Man, Greg hammered that shit into my head hard. ‘Not friendly with the guys on the team? Fake it. Ask ’em about their weekend, their mom, their girl. Don’t care about the answer? Fake it. Get elated about whatever trivial bit of shit they share with you. Get excited about their game. Just fake it until you don’t have to.’”
Squinting past my shoulder, Cammy shakes her head. “No way. You’re so over-the-top friendly and excited about… everything. You’re genuine.” Her brows pull together. “I know you’re not faking it. You can’t be.”
“Nah. That’s the thing, it feels a fuck-ton better being happy than being pissed. It feels good to see someone smile, to make them laugh. It’s addictive. And yeah, it took a while before I totally meant it, and even longer before my teammates trusted that I wasn’t just screwing with them—”
“Because I’m guessing you flipped it on a dime?”
I run my hand over her back, holding her close. “Probably. And they didn’t know me before things got dark. The way I am now is a hell of a lot closer to the way I was before things went to shit.”
“My man of extremes.” There’s affection in her words, but I can’t help wonder how long it will last before this or one of my other personality “quirks” starts wearing thin. A while, I hope.
“Yeah, yeah. All or nothing. I know. But Baxter was right. It worked. I was seeing more game time, and that haze cleared. The noise in my head went quiet and the cheering crowds got loud. And ever since, we’ve been a package deal.”
“What happens to his career happens to yours,” she offers gently. “Same agent. Same teams.”
And yeah, she gets it.
“Except his career is over. And I’m not the leader he is. I feel like I’m screwing up again. Falling short. The team is looking to me to step up and deliver something I’m not sure I’ve got to give without him.”
She lets out a soft breath, and peers up at me. “It’s going to come together. One way or another. Just give it time.” She tucks herself against me again, letting her head rest over my heart and her fingers thread with mine. “I believe in you.”
My eyes close at the words that mean more than she could possibly understand.
I should go home soon. Let Cammy get some sleep in her own bed. But I can’t make myself let her go yet. I can’t give up the comfort of her head against my chest and the silk of her hair beneath my hand.
I hold her until her breath slows and she curls closer. Until it feels like my world isn’t being blown apart. And then I hold her some more.
Chapter 16
Cammy
“Be good for your dad,” I say, giving my little boy a long squeeze.
Jeremy is standing in his doorway, arm propped against the jamb, an affectionate look in his eyes as Matty zips inside.
It’s such a change from the first time I brought him over for a solo evening with his dad. Those anxious first steps and tentative looks back having made my son seem years younger than he actually was.
Not anymore.
“You want to come in, hang out a while?” Jeremy asks, triggering that pangy thing my heart does every time I leave Matty. There’s always a part of me that wants to stay. That doesn’t want to miss out on whatever my boy is getting up to. But it’s important for Matty and Jeremy to have time alone, and tonight… well, I’m looking forward to my own plans.
“No, this is your time. You guys have fun.”
He looks back, then rubs a hand over his jaw, giving me the same look I used to see back in high school. “We’d have even more fun if you stayed.”
“Thank you. Really. But I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Looking past Jeremy, I call into the apartment. “Bye, Matty. Love you.”
He calls back with a quick, “Bye, Mom!” and I’m gone.
Rux has been traveling for the last three days and got in so late last night he went straight home instead of coming over. He spent this morning over at the Children’s Hospital hanging out with the kids and then had back-to-back appointments through the rest of the afternoon. Which was for the best, since I had work of my own to finish, and didn’t want anything interfering when I finally got to see him tonight.
I drive home with a ridiculous smile on my face, my belly in this constant state of freefall knowing I’m about to see him.
It’s been two weeks since Greg announced his retirement and Rux was promoted to team captain, and he’s coming around to his new role. Julia thinks the team is still struggling to find their footing with the new lineups, but the Slayers won again last night and I can’t wait to celebrate.
By the time I get home, my heart is beating at triple time.
I’m not expecting Rux for another thirty minutes, but my eyes keep darting to the clock, like somehow I have the power to speed it up. There’s this fluttery sort of anticipation happening in my belly I haven’t felt in so long.
It’s crazy. But it feels so good, I can’t even try to tell myself to slow down. To hold back.
I’m wearing a thin, soft yellow sweater, rubbing lotion into my legs when I hear the front door, fifteen minutes early.
“Hey, Cammy, you home?”
“Coming!” I fumble the bottle and rush out of my bathroom.
I pause at the hall doorway, my heart doing something crazy when I see him standing there in his dark jeans, an untucked white Oxford straining around his biceps, and his hair combed neatly back from his face.
Rux turns, his eyes raking hot over me, and delivers a growl so sexy, I shudder. And then we’re coming together in a crash, his arms catching me as I wrap around him like a koala. My fingers are in his hair, coasting over his heavy jaw, my legs hooked hard against his ass. I’m showering his face with kisses as he carries me to the back of the couch.
He runs his hands over my bare legs where they’re wrapped around him and buries his face in my neck. “I missed you.”
“Me too,” I gasp as he rocks into me just right, making my insides contract with need. “Been watching the clock all day.”
Our eyes meet. “Yeah?”
God, I love the look on his face, like he can’t quite believe it’s true. I swallow past the emotion fast on the rise within me and reach for him again. “Yeah.”
We’re a frenzy of hands and mouths and bodies in motion. My sweater and his shirt are gone, the scruff of his jaw teases my breasts where they’re spilling out of my bra, then teases lower down my belly in a not-so-subtle hint at where he’s going, what he wants to do to me.
Hot need grips my core at the thought of Rux and his new favorite pastime.
A needy moan escapes me, but then I’m slipping out of his hold and off the back of the couch to the floor. For as much of an addict as he’s made me for his tongue, I’ve been fantasizing about something else for days.
Going to my knees, I take his jeans and boxers down with me.
“Baby, what are— Oh fuck.”
He’s leaning over me, the muscles of his powerful arms and chest stand out in stark relief as they brace against the back of the couch, his jeans pushed down to his thick thighs. Overwhelmed, I blink.
This man.
How is this real?
He swallows. “Sunshine, you don’t have to,” he says, voice thick as he runs a shaky hand over my cheek.
Turning into that devastatingly gentle touch, I rub my face against his palm. “I want to.”
So bad.
I run my palms up those hard muscled thighs, up the slabs of his abs and back down the path of that crazy vee until my fingers are teasing soft over his thick length, squeezing lightly and then firmer.
Rux stops breathing as our eyes meet. My lips part and I barely brush them against the hard tip.
“Cammy,” he groans, helpless as I take him in my mouth.
I’ve given blowjobs before, to Jeremy, a million years ago. They were always for him. Always an exercise in mechanics. Insert Tab A in Slot B and wait for the warning that it was time to pull away. But this, now? This is a selfish act. One I’m so completely engaged in, I don’t think I’ve ever needed anything as much as I need the silk and steel and taste of Rux on my tongue. So good.
I feel his restraint as I draw him in as far as I can, pull back, and then draw him deeper. There’s nothing mechanical about this. It’s about emotion and need and this thing between us that’s been growing quietly since that ridiculous first kiss.
He gathers my hair, holding it out of my face as I set the pace. My hands slide around the backs of his thighs, and I pull him closer. Then we’re rocking together, and he’s sliding wet and hard into my mouth as I moan around him.
Gravel-rough praise rains down from above as he meets the back of my throat.
“Baby, you’re too... so good…”
Each guttural, desperate plea—
“Losing my mind...”
—lands between my thighs, making me wetter, hotter, until I slip my fingers into the panties he sent me yesterday. I’ve never been this turned on. Never been so caught up in needing to give someone else pleasure.
“That’s so hot...” He’s heavy against my tongue, throbbing. His thighs like granite. “Touch yourself, Sunshine... need to see you come… with my cock between your lips... fuck!”
That’s all it takes and I’m tipping over the edge, coming hard and then holding him close, swallowing deep as he spills down my throat.
When we both finish, he slides to the floor so we’re slumped against the back of the couch. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me long and slow and with such tender affection, something deep in my chest breaks open and I have to blink away the moisture gathering at the corners of my eyes.
“Baby, that was insane,” he murmurs, holding me close. Holding me like he’ll never let me go. “But this... this is what I’ve been waiting for.”
Chapter 17
Rux
“Rux!”
I’ve got a freshly showered, still-damp Cammy thrown over my shoulder, my hand wrapped around her bare thigh, her laughter tickling my back. The too-long sleeves of my shirt dangle past her fingertips as she grabs my ass and pinches my sides.
“What’s that, Sunshine? Can’t hear you over the giggling.”
It doesn’t get any better than this.
“Put me down!”
She’s going down on the couch where she rocked my world a few hours back, and then I’m going down on her. But first the kitchen.
She grabs the doorway as I carry her past. And yeah, I’m getting off in no small way from the play fight she’s putting up. It makes me wonder how m
uch fun we could have at my place. Way more room for a game of chase.
“You need a glass of water or something?” After what we did in her bedroom, maybe a Gatorade. And after the shower, hell, maybe two. “I’m gonna grab that whipped cream.”
She freezes, that squirming, wriggling body going stone still.
“Cammy?” I’d have sworn she’d be into the whipped cream.
“Oh shit, Rux, put me—”
“Mommy? What are you doing up there?”
My head snaps around to where Matty’s standing behind us, a pinched look on his sort of green face. In the next second, Jeremy’s there behind him, eyes wide with horror as he looks from Matty to us and back.
Fuck me.
Cammy
There isn’t anything dignified about my dismount from Rux’s shoulder, especially considering my ass isn’t covered by anything but a pair of panties that say “That’s my pie” in script across the front.
“Matty, baby, what are you doing here?” I croak, but it only takes a second to see and then feel as he rushes over to me, burying his warm little forehead into my stomach. Thank God this shirt goes almost to my knees. “Honey, are you sick?”
He nods pitifully. I stroke his sweat-damp hair and, holding him closer, turn to Jeremy who’s standing awkwardly at the kitchen doorway.
“Shi—oot. Cammy, I’m sorry. He seemed fine earlier. We had dinner and played a game. He wasn’t complaining or anything, but then about forty minutes ago, he groaned once and puked.”
Matty looks past me to Rux who’s standing stone still in his boxer briefs and nothing else. Oh my God. My poor baby. What’s he thinking walking in on this?
“Rux, I vomited in his ficus.”
“That’s sounds rough, little man. I’m sorry you’re not feeling good.”
Matty nods. “Why are you wearing your underwear?”
I’m going to die.
Rux opens his mouth and then closes it again, shooting me a helpless look.
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