“I spilled our dinner,” I say too quickly, feeling the flames of Hell licking at my feet for flat-out lying to my boy. “It got everywhere.”
“Everywhere,” Rux echoes.
Matty nods, too wiped to press for details. “Everyone makes mistakes.”
Jeremy clears his throat and starts to step into the kitchen, stops short and then sort of waves for Matty to come to him. “Hey, kiddo, how about we go put your stuff in your room and get you into some PJs for Mom.”
I have never been more grateful to anyone than I am in that moment.
I watch my son take his father’s hand, feeling like I can’t breathe. Like I’m never going to be able to come back from this. Like it’s all fun and games until your seven-year-old son walks in on you wearing a man’s shirt with your ass in the air.
“Cammy, come on.” Rux takes my hand. “Let him put his stuff away and we’ll get changed.”
I nod as he leads me back to the bedroom… where I stop and stare, guilt cramping my stomach. It looks like the clothes exploded off our bodies in here.
“Sunshine.”
“It’s okay.” Frantic, I start grabbing stray socks and jeans and belts and shoes, shoving all of it into his hands. “Hurry.”
I pull on the leggings I never got to before Rux arrived. Socks. An elastic for my hair. “I’m going to go check on Matty. What do we do? You can’t slip out.”
“No, I’ll say goodbye to him and then take off.” He’s standing there in his jeans, bare chested. The way he’s built, it’s hard to imagine him ever being anything but confident and sure. But the way he’s rubbing the back of his neck, his mouth sort of caught between a smile and frown, says that’s not how he feels. “I mean. If you want me to. I could stay and help. I’d like to.”
“Maybe not tonight. He’s sick. And you don’t want to catch anything, right? Rux, where’s your shirt? We need to go.”
He lets out a gruff laugh. “Babe. You’re wearing it.”
I look down. Shit.
Another flash change, and I’m ready. Jeremy is waiting for me outside Matty’s door, not quite meeting my eyes.
“I’m really sorry, Cammy. I tried to call but there wasn’t any answer and it went from fine to meltdown crying about wanting to go home in a blink. He said you’d be home, and he had a key and… Shit, he was so upset and wanted to be home and—I didn’t think.”
“No, Jeremy. I’m sorry.” He’d been trying to call, and the reason I didn’t hear it was because I’d been in the shower with Rux. My son needed me, and I wasn’t there.
I feel sick.
“I always have my phone, and this time—”
He holds up a hand, shaking his head, a half-pained, half-pleading look in his eyes. “I get it.”
The awkward apologies go back and forth for another minute, and then Matty steps out of his room, the stuffed animal he decided to leave behind this morning clutched against his chest.
“Where’s Rux?” he asks, and I catch the slightest wince from Jeremy.
“Right here, my man.” Rux ducks out of my room, completely dressed.
“You’re leaving? But I just got here,” Matty whines, looking completely pathetic.
Rux’s eyes cut to mine. He offered to stay. But… I look away.
“Sorry,” he says easily. “I need to take off. But I’ll check in to see how you’re doing tomorrow.”
They bust knuckles and Rux gives me a quick kiss on the top of my head.
I turn to Jeremy. “You don’t need to stay. I’ve got this. Go clean up your ficus and see if it’s salvageable.”
Rux hangs back, waiting. But Jeremy runs a hand over his mouth. “So, I was wondering…” He clears his throat and shoots a quick glance at Rux before turning back to me. Voice low, he leans closer. “Cammy, I know it’s my own fault that I have no idea how to take care of our son when he’s sick. But I want that to change. I want a lot of things to change. Do you think maybe I could stay? So the next time he’s at my place, if something like this happens, I don’t have to bring him home.”
What he’s saying makes perfect sense, but the part of me that’s not entirely rational… That’s possessive of the son I’ve raised alone bristles at the idea of Matty being anywhere but with me when he’s sick.
Selfishly, I want to be the only one who can give him the comfort he needs.
But that’s exactly what it is… Selfish.
My eyes cut to Rux where he’s still waiting for me to boot Jeremy out like I have him.
I’ve already been too selfish tonight.
What if I hadn’t been here? What if I’d been out on the lake for one of those summer booze cruises Rux invited me to last summer? What if I couldn’t get back?
More than being the one Matty turns to when he feels bad, I want my son to have the security of knowing, even if I’m not around, there are other people who can take care of him, who love him.
So as sour as the words taste on my tongue, I say them anyway.
“Sure. Of course, you can stay.”
Chapter 18
Rux
“Oomph!”
I sail across the ice on my back, muttered f-bombs dropping in my wake.
That’s what I get for having my head up my ass instead of on the drills, the puck, and the players who got screwed having to practice with me this morning.
I’m off my game after last night. Cammy was so upset. Matty walking in on us freaked her out. Hell, of course it did. She doesn’t want him building up expectations about something that isn’t going to happen. We’ve been so careful about how we act in front of him, and in one moment all those efforts went to crap. I get it.
But watching her close down, shut me out—fuck, that was brutal. And then that bullshit with Jeremy standing there, looking like all he cared about was learning how to take care of his son, pissed me off. I’m sure he cares about Matty. It’s impossible not to. But I’ve seen the way he looks at Cammy, the way he looks at me. And last night was a move.
One I need to put aside.
“Aww shit, sorry, man,” Kellog says, cutting to a sharp stop beside me, a guilty look in his eyes. “Thought you were—” He shakes his head. “You okay? Didn’t ring your bell, did I?”
“No, man.” Thank fuck. I’d never forgive myself for letting the team down if I’d cost them another player with a concussion. “Don’t sweat it. Totally my fault. I’m fine.”
Circling back into position, he points his stick at me. “Sure?”
“I’m sure.” I won’t let it happen again.
We run a few more drills and I get my head together, find that place where there’s only the game. By the time the whistle blows, I’m pouring off sweat and feeling more like a player and less like a jealous boyfriend. But it’s still there, hovering at the edge of my mind.
Are we good?
How late did Jeremy stay?
Did he try something?
Did he make her smile? Jesus.
I’ll feel better when I talk to my girl. I want to hear her voice. I want to see her eyes. And hell, maybe I want to hear her tell me what a tool Jeremy is. How useless. How Matty didn’t care if he was there or not.
Only as soon as I think that, I feel like the world’s biggest shithead because who wishes that on anyone? What I ought to be hoping for is Jeremy stepping up as the best damn dad the world’s ever seen. Because I want it for Matty.
I do.
But I want something else for Cammy. Something better than the selfish prick who abandoned her when she needed him most. If I thought that I was good enough, I’d have put a ring on her finger already. But I want more for her. I want the best. But first, I want just a little more time with her before she finds it.
I hit the showers and get cleaned up. Have lunch with the guys.
We’ve got a game tonight, but I’ve got an hour or so to kill.
“Hey, Sunshine, how’s the sickie?” I ask from the car, hoping maybe I’ll be able to stop over.
“How does one little body produce that much puke?”
“That bad, huh?” There’s a weary groan through the line and I hate the sound of it. “How about I come over and give you a hand for a while? Bring you something to eat.”
There’s no missing the hesitation before she answers. “Matty just fell asleep and I think I’m going to try and grab some myself while I can. Raincheck?”
“Yeah, for sure. Get some rest and tell Matty to feel better.”
I mean it. She needs a break.
But there’s a part of me that keeps seeing the way she looked at me—or more like didn’t look at me—when she turned down my offer to stay. And that part can’t help wondering if she would have said yes if last night hadn’t happened.
Cammy
“Four days! But you’ve talked to him, right?” Julia demands through the line. She’s in LA again and watching the game with me over the phone. “You didn’t just kick him out and then go radio silent. Right?”
I roll my eyes, taking it on faith she can sense it. “Yes, I talked to him. Mostly texting though. I was exhausted from staying up with Matty puking for two days.” That much is true. “Our schedules were off and then he had to leave.” Technically, also true. Though I could have made it work. A week ago, I would have. I’d have been waiting by the door for him to show up after the game, my heart racing, my body aching for the chance to get close to him. To feel his arms around me, his heart beating against mine.
“Okay. Besides, this is Rux. More than two missed calls and he would have the whole team involved. WAGs posting flyers, the fire department breaking down your door and some tactical team swinging in through your windows.”
I try to laugh, but Julia must hear something off with it because suddenly her voice is serious, quiet. “Hey, Cammy, what’s going on? Everything okay with you guys?”
My mouth opens to tell her yes, but the words won’t come. I take a breath. “I want it to be. But Julia… what am I doing?”
God, I wish she was here right now. I love what she’s doing with her career, and I love that she and Greg are setting the bar for relationship goals. But the little sister in me misses the nights when we’d sit and talk until we were too tired to talk anymore. I miss the comfort of her arm around me when I’m anxious and knowing that before she was anyone else’s she was mine.
It’s selfish. But I miss her.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?” she asks. “I thought things were good with you guys. Fun and sexy and… all the good stuff.”
“It is. It’s amazing.” I shake my head, suddenly overwhelmed by emotion I can’t account for. “He makes me feel like I’m alive in a way I haven’t been in seven years.” Maybe ever. “Like all the things I started wondering if I would ever find… are suddenly within reach.”
“But that’s good, right?”
“I’m not sure it is. I mean, it feels good.” So good. “But Matty was never supposed see us together like that. What if he starts getting his hopes up about Rux and I getting serious when it can’t happen?”
Julia hmms through the line. “Okay, first, it’s time to face facts. You’re already serious. No matter what your official relationship status is, you and Rux have been serious from way before you started whatever it is you started.”
“But—”
“Second, the only thing that’s going to hurt Matty if things don’t work out, is if he loses Rux. I mean, so what if the kiddo catches you and Rux K.I.S.S.I.N.G.? It’s not like it was with Mom cycling through her losers, going from zero to moved-in-with-us in the course of one night.”
“Handing over our lunch money so he could grab some smokes the next day.” I close my eyes, hating those memories. The confusion and fear when the next guy showed up. Wondering how long he’d last, and whether I’d wish it had been shorter by the end.
Restless, I walk over to the windows and look down to the snow-covered streets. Matty’s going to need boots tomorrow. “I know it’s different with Rux.” Aside from Julia, he’s as close to a constant as we’ve had in our lives.
“Good. Because that brings me to my third point… I’m not sure it’s just Matty you’re trying to protect. I think you’re falling for Rux. I think this thing between you has gotten more real than either of you expected, and now that you’ve stopped to think, you’re terrified of what that means.”
I close my eyes and rest my head against the cool glass.
Of course, she’d see what I’ve been trying not to.
“I know better. Julia, I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. Rux isn’t looking for forever. He’s made it clear from the start he isn’t interested in being anyone’s happily ever after.” I know this. I understand it. I agreed to it.
“But you said you weren’t interested in anything more either. Isn’t it possible he might have changed his mind too? Believe me, he wouldn’t be the first commitment-phobe to convert for the right girl.”
The right girl.
What if I could be the one? What if my happily ever after has been right in front of me all this time? What if Rux has already fallen in love with our family?
I blink, my breath catching almost painfully on the what-ifs I never let myself consider.
“Did—did he say something to Greg?”
“Not that I know of. But then the comparing notes kind of stopped once you guys started looking less like an itch needing a scratch and more like the start of something that might go the distance.” After a weighted beat, she asks, “Do you want me to ask?”
“No, no. Don’t. I just need to stop freaking out and talk to him.”
“Soon, Cammy.”
“Soon.”
“Good. Do you need water or a snack?” she asks, almost like she’s right beside me. Like she’s been looking out for me since we were kids. “There’s only a minute left before third period starts.”
“Let me pee real quick and I’ll be right back.”
The guys end up with a win and I talk to Rux for a few minutes on the plane before they take off, but it’s a quick call and, honestly, I can’t tell if that thin layer of underlying tension is coming from him or me. I toss and turn through most of the night, hating that I haven’t seen him since Friday night as much as I hate the questions running through my mind on repeat since talking to Julia.
Not whether I was falling for Rux. The second she said it, I knew it was true.
But what it means for us if nothing has changed for Rux. What kind of strain it would put on our friendship if he realizes how I feel. Whether letting my heart get away from me has cost me a friendship so critical I can’t even imagine my life without it. What it means for Matty.
My office is in Julia’s old bedroom, and I’ve been logged in to the hospital, working through charts, correcting and filling in coding since five. I took a break to get Matty off to school and then worked through lunch. But my mind keeps slipping back to the what-ifs I don’t want to think about but can’t ignore just the same. I’m going crazy.
“Hey, Sunshine.”
I drop my headset and jerk to my feet, half of me wanting to fling myself into his arms, the other half convinced I need to hold back. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
He’s got his shoulder propped at the doorway and from the still damp, combed-back hair, worn jeans and muscle-hugging thermal, I’m guessing he came straight over after waking up. He looks so good my heart actually aches seeing him.
The corner of his mouth slants and he looks at me with eyes that tell me he knows something’s up.
Would it even be possible to go back to being just friends from this? Is there still a chance?
“Cammy,” he says, like some part of him is aching too and suddenly my feet are moving and all those what-ifs I’ve been clinging to don’t exist.
My arms close around his neck, and the tension and anxiety lifts from my shoulders as he groans into my hair and then lifts me from the floor. “Christ, I missed you.”
Toes dangling abov
e the hardwood, I tip my head back. “I missed you too.”
That half smile pulls into the real thing and he kisses me, walking us into the living room and around to the couch. When he tucks me into his lap, I snuggle in.
His arms tighten around me in the most heavenly way, and for a minute we just breathe, my head on his shoulder, his big hand smoothing down my spine.
“About the other night,” Rux starts, a hesitancy in his voice I don’t normally associate with this man.
“Yeah, about that.” I swallow. “Not exactly the way you imagined our evening going, I’m guessing.”
“No, it wasn’t. But there’s no other place I’d want him to be when he’s sick than with you. Sure, it would’ve been nice to be wearing pants when the poor kid came in, but… hell, Cammy, I just wish you’d have let me stay and help you.”
He doesn’t mention Jeremy, but I know it bothered him.
“I’m sorry. I freaked out. For seven years, I’ve never dropped my son off without it being front and center in my mind that I might be needed to pick him back up. That whatever event I’m attending, no matter how much it might mean to me, or how much fun I’m having, I am available if that boy needs me. He’s first in my mind every single time. No exceptions.”
“Only this time you didn’t check your phone,” he says, gruffly. “Because you were with me.”
Emotion tightens my chest, makes me blink back tears.
“He was sick and he needed me. And he was so sure that I would be there for him, he convinced his dad to bring him back here without talking to me. And then what does he walk in on, but—”
“His mom having some fun.” At my look he winces. “It wasn’t ideal. But it could have been a lot worse.”
My cheeks flame thinking about the dirty promises Rux had been making that night. What might have been going on if Matty had shown up ten minutes later.
“Hey, come on, don’t hide.”
Slowly, I lift my head from where it’s buried against his chest. “Nothing like that has ever happened with him. I’ve never brought a man back here. I’ve never let him down.”
DIRTY REBOUND Page 12