DIRTY REBOUND

by Mira Lyn Kelly

  “I know you’re together and you can take my head off without batting an eye. But this is Cammy and my son. This is the family we should have been.” He runs a hand over his face and meets my eyes. “I have to try.”

  “This time. That’s what you’re saying, right? You have to try to man up to your responsibilities and commitments to Cammy and Matty this time. The way you didn’t the first time or at all through the last seven years. And since we’re clarifying, you want Cammy back, but Matty you never had. Because you were gone before he was born? Left a note or something, right?”

  This guy is the worst kind of—

  “I was a coward. A kid. And you’re right. I missed years with my son that I’ll never get back. I’m ashamed of what I did. It was the worst mistake of my life, but I’m ready to make it right.”

  My fists clench with my teeth.

  “A mistake?” I snap, ignoring the pained honesty in his eyes. Hating it. Hating him. “It was her life, Jeremy. You had your chance to be a part of it. And you pissed it away.”

  And yeah, that burns so bad. Why does he get to come back from the worst mistake of his life? From his shame. Why does the guy who threw away everything that mattered get the second chance?

  “Rux, man, I’ve spent years working to get to a point where I had something to offer them.”

  The elevator doors open and we step out, pent-up hostility and aggression pouring out with us. “So the wife in Germany was just some practical, hands-on experience too? I’m sure Cammy really appreciates that. Hell, she probably would have liked to return the favor, but turns out she was too busy raising your kid alone to score the practice husband.”

  He gulps, looking away. “I’m going to make it up to them.”

  “Oh okay.” I give the guy an incredulous look. “What the fuck? You say that and I’m supposed to just shake your hand and step aside. Kiss Cammy on the cheek, pat Matty’s head… and leave? Not happening, man.”

  “You ready to put a ring on her finger?”

  The question hits me like a sucker punch, knocking the air from my lungs. And just like that, Jeremy has the upper hand. And he knows it.

  A nod. “What I thought. Well, I am. If Cammy ever gives me another chance, that’s it. I’m all in and I’ll never let her down again. I can make her happy, make us the family we should have been. She wants security. I can give it to her. Can you?”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  He stares me down. “I heard there are rumors of a trade.”

  I swallow. Fight the urge to check my phone.

  “That’s all they are. Rumors.” For now. At least they were the last time I checked. But with Baxter out for good, everyone’s been watching. Waiting to see how all the pieces fall into place. Which ones don’t. “If it happened, they could come with me.”

  Jesus. I can’t believe I said that. But the words were out before I could tell myself I wasn’t allowed to. That I’m not supposed to want that.

  Jeremy snorts at the ceiling. “Tear her away from everyone she loves so you can spend half your season leaving her alone in a city where she knows no one, where the support structure she’s built for herself over all these years is nonexistent. And what if the next city isn’t a fit? What if you end up traded again the next year... just as soon as Cammy and Matty start to lay down roots?”

  Next year, or hell, the next month. There are guys who’ve been traded nine times in one season. And while that’s extreme, there’s no guarantee I won’t be moving again the next month or a few after that.

  In some ways my career is as unpredictable as I am.

  It’s never bothered me before. Or maybe, it’s more that I’ve never had a reason that it would.

  “And I know I’m not on your radar with all this, but if you uproot Matty from his school and friends, you’ll also be taking him from the only grandparents he’s ever known and the father he’s just getting back. Because how the hell am I supposed to leave the job I’ve had for less than a year, pick up and move, find a new job when there’s every chance you might end up moving again a few months later? How is Matty going to feel about having to give me up?”

  “We don’t know that any of that is going to happen,” I say, my throat sounding like it’s coated with sandpaper.

  Jeremy looks at me hard. “You really selfish enough to think that Cammy would be happy like that? That a life like that would be good for Matty—hell, for anyone except you?” He shakes his head and turns back to go upstairs again. “Think about it, man. I know you care about them. Maybe it’s time you show it.”

  Cammy

  When Jeremy comes back empty-handed, I lower my voice and ask, “You going to tell me what that was about?”

  He gives me a warm smile and a wink. “Later.”

  I check my phone, but nothing from Rux.

  Me: Everything okay?

  Rux: That guy wants you.

  A part of me wants to tell him he’s off base, but all it takes is looking up and finding Jeremy watching me from over our son’s head, seeing the look he isn’t even trying to hide in his eyes, and I can’t.

  And that isn’t something I’ve been expecting, though everyone else seemed to be.

  Years ago this would have been a dream come true for me. Literally. I couldn’t even begin to count how many times I woke up with tears in my eyes having imagined Jeremy coming back. Wanting me back. Wanting us.

  But now... there’s no elation. No joy. Just the gnawing anxiety that this man isn’t someone I can count on. And if he’s not actually here for Matty, or if he is, but only because he’s thinking package deal... then what does it mean for my son when I tell his father no? Will Jeremy disappear from his life as quickly as he returned?

  I feel sick at the thought of my baby having to go through that kind of rejection. That kind of heartache.

  I need to talk to Jeremy tonight.

  Dinner happens in a rush, and I let Matty and Jeremy handle the bulk of the conversation then ask Matty to take a shower instead of a bath, so I have few minutes alone with his dad.

  “Rux seems to think you might be interested in me again,” I say from the kitchen doorway so I can make sure Matty is gone.

  Jeremy watches me for a moment, and then leans back in the chair Rux usually takes. “He’s right.”

  “Is that why you’re here? Is that why you’re back? Because if you’ve been going to all this trouble with Matty, making him believe that he’s the—”

  “Whoa, no, Cammy.” He shakes his head, shoving out of his seat to walk toward me. And then his hand is on my arm and his face is in front of mine, eyes searching and intense. “I would never use our son for anything. Yes, I want you. I want both of you.”

  I blow out an unsteady breath, relief relaxing the muscles that had gone tight.

  “But what if you can’t have me?”

  Jeremy straightens, takes a step back, and then leans against the fridge.

  “Then it means Matty will have two totally committed parents who love him with their whole hearts… just separately. But Cammy, I need you to believe me. I wouldn’t have come back, I wouldn’t have gone to the lengths I did with work and finding a place, changing my whole life, if I wasn’t committed to being a part of his. I’m not gonna lie, I want you. Since we’ve been apart, there’s been something missing—”

  “Jeremy, you married another woman. You lived as husband and wife in another country for two years. And when you came back, it wasn’t to me. So, if you don’t mind saving the something-missing routine, I’d appreciate it.”

  I look back around the corner, the shower still running, no sign of my little guy.

  “Why do you think it didn’t work out? Because she knew there was someone else,” he argues. “We both did. I never stopped loving you.”

  My throat is tight, and I can feel tears at the backs of my eyes. I don’t want to cry in front of this man. I don’t want to shed another tear because of him, not ever for the rest of my life.

 
“Cammy.” He reaches for me, but I bat his hand away.

  “Don’t. I don’t want your comfort seven years too late. And so we’re clear, there wasn’t someone else, because you lost me the day you left. And a little more every day after that. Until finally I wasn’t waiting for you to come back at all, I wasn’t hoping and wondering and wishing, because I’d let you go. So, I’m sorry, because I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you. But what we had is over. I’m with someone else now.” And God, I wish he was here. No matter whether the physical part of our arrangement has an expiration date, when the chips are down, Rux is the man I turn to.

  Jeremy swallows, pain in his eyes. “I understand. You have a relationship. A life. And I’m lucky that you were willing to disrupt it enough to give me a chance to be the father I should’ve been for Matty all these years. But I want you to know that if you change your mind, if you can remember what it was like between us, I’m ready to be the man you deserve. I’m ready for us to be the family we dreamed about having.”

  I don’t know what to say, but it looks like Jeremy isn’t expecting me to say anything. He takes a breath and looks around the kitchen.

  “Hey, why don’t I clean up from dinner and when Matty’s out of the shower, I’ll say good night then.”

  Chapter 21

  Rux

  “That fucker is working her. Right now,” I growl, prowling back and forth in the too-small conference room Baxter and I commandeered for the few free minutes I’ve got pregame, restless energy building in me like a powder keg.

  Greg’s here to watch from the owner’s box but stopped down to the locker room a few minutes ago. And after one look, he hauled me out, demanding to know what my problem was.

  “Whoa, Rux, when you say ‘working her’ you don’t mean—”

  My hand is up, my finger shaking into the space between us. “Don’t you even say it.”

  He visibly relaxes, walking a couple steps toward me and knocking my hand out of the way to pull me in for a one-armed hug that ends with him messing up my hair.

  “You had me worried there a second. I mean, I’ve seen you get worked up before but, damn, this”—he waves his hand all around in front of me—“is some next-level freak-out. I thought for sure… Never mind.”

  I gulp. “You thought what? You thought Cammy would be with him again?”

  I don’t like the look in his eyes. “Not while you guys are together. Even with whatever kind of friends-with-benefits thing you’ve got going, that’s not how she is. If something is going to happen with Jeremy, she’ll end it with you first.”

  Now I want to lay Baxter out. Because, “No shit, that’s not how she is.”

  “Look, I know Julia hates his ass. I don’t think that’ll ever change. And the guy isn’t winning any points with me. But I’m not entirely sure Cammy has ever gotten over Jeremy, okay? Julia says she has, but if you ever catch her talking about him when her guard is down, you can see that there’s still something there.”

  Not possible. “He abandoned her.”

  “I know. But… What if he really has changed? Grown up in all the ways that matter?” He shrugs. “I agree, there’s no excuse for what he did, and I hope she doesn’t take him back. But what if he really has been trying to get his life together so that he’d have something to offer when he came home? Julia says this guy spent a year trying to get transferred to Chicago. That he took a serious pay cut to make it happen. What if, deep down, he’s the one she wants?”

  Suddenly all the energy that was ready to blow out of me in every different direction starts drawing inward, dragging me down until I drop into one of the chairs against the wall, my forearms catching on the spread of my knees feeling like the only thing keeping me from going through the floor.

  “I don’t want to lose her, man.” The words feel like a confession ripped from the deepest, darkest, most secret part of my soul. Like I didn’t even recognize it myself until just this moment.

  “Come on, man, this is Cammy. You’re not gonna lose her. I mean yeah, you’ll lose the blowjobs, but that girl loves you.”

  I don’t even want to hear him joke like that about her.

  She loves me like a friend. It ought to be enough. But in this minute—fuck, I can almost see what it would be like if she loved me for real. Forever.

  “Dude?”

  I turn. Greg’s brows buckle together, and I’ve got the sense he might be picking up on something I can barely admit to wanting myself.

  “Rux, this thing between you guys, it’s been great for you both. Some fun. Just what she needed. No responsibility, no expectation… Just the way you like it. But unless something fundamental has changed that I don’t know about, you aren’t a forever kind of guy. And ultimately, forever is what Cammy’s been waiting for.”

  “But with Jeremy?”

  “No idea, man. I’m not even sure Cammy does. I mean, hell, she’s got your ass all over her every free minute you guys spend together. You’re in her bed, with her kid. Probably cleaning out her refrigerator like it’s your own. You’re larger than life. And with you in front of her, I’m not sure if she can even see what she wants herself.”

  I swallow, my lungs feeling like they aren’t working so great as I try to breathe through this feeling of being gutted.

  “What are you saying? You think I should get out of the way?”

  I’m waiting for him to give me a top volume hell no, and tell me to ride this out for as long as Cammy wants to give me. But I’ve got the uncomfortable sense that in this moment, Greg Baxter is more Cammy’s brother-in-law than he is my wingman. And as much as I don’t like it, I’m grateful knowing he’s looking out for her when my mind is too clouded with my own selfish needs to see things clearly.

  “I’m just saying, if you know you’re not the right guy for her, maybe it’s time to step aside so she has a chance to find the one who is.”

  Cammy

  Matty and I start the game curled up beneath the Slayers throw Rux gave us when the season started last year. Jeremy took off like he said he would and now it’s just me and my boy, watching our favorite hockey player having an off game.

  Rux has been in the box twice, missed what the commentators were calling two prime shots, and, like the rest of the team, can’t seem to sync up with his line.

  When the period ends, Matty gives me a pleading look, telling me Rux needs him.

  “Sorry, buddy, we can watch the rest tomorrow.” I pause the game and give my boy a squeeze before letting him up and then following him back to his room. He climbs into bed and I read a little Fly Guy before giving him a kiss and saying good night.

  When I come back to the game, the second period is even worse than the first.

  The Epics are all over our guys. Quinn O’Brian is tangled up with an opposing player against the boards, sticks clattering together as they fight it out for control of the puck. There’s an opening, but Rux can’t get there and misses the pass.

  The look on his face in that moment guts me.

  Three minutes later and he’s in the box again, everyone talking about his failure to deliver. How they’d had high hopes for the rivalry with the Epics pushing our players to perform better, but instead we’re falling apart.

  I’m on the edge of my seat, waiting for the game to turn around. But it doesn’t happen, and by the end I can barely stand to watch the interviews.

  It takes longer than usual for Rux to call, but finally he does and I feel like I can breathe again.

  “Hey, how are you?” I ask quietly.

  “Had better games, that’s for damn sure. Tell me you didn’t watch the whole thing.”

  I debate lying for a second, but he cuts into my thoughts with a rough laugh.

  “Course you did.”

  “What can I say, you’ve got a fan.”

  I hear him take a deep breath through the line and imagine him climbing into his car. “You coming over?”

  There’s a beat of silence,
and then— “I wish. But I’m already home. I’ve got a meeting with the coach early tomorrow, and I’m not much company after tonight.”

  “Oh sure. Rest. But… umm… okay, I don’t want to keep you when I know you’re tired, but about Jeremy and what you texted when you left?”

  Again there’s that barest hesitation and I jump into silence before he has a chance to answer. “It doesn’t matter how he feels. He’s not the one I want.”

  “Cammy, you know… it would be okay if he was.”

  I blink, staring down at the phone like it just lied to me. Like there is no way the man on the other end actually said what I just heard. I know this thing between us isn’t forever, but… It would be okay?

  After a few more seconds of my stunned silence, he adds, “Sorry to do this, but I’m about to fall asleep. Talk to you later, Sunshine.”

  “Oh, okay, right. Um… good night, Rux.”

  Chapter 22

  Rux

  The meetings with the coaches go about as you’d expect with the game we had. The season’s winding down and while it doesn’t look good for playoffs this year, no one is ready to give up. Morning skate is brutal, but it’s what I need to keep from doing what I spent the entire damn night talking myself out of—driving over to Cammy’s place and begging her to let me hold her. Telling her I didn’t mean what I said. That there would be nothing okay about it if she decided Jeremy was the man for her.

  But I can’t do that. And it’s not because I wouldn’t put a ring on Cammy’s finger and make Matty my own in a hot second if I thought it was the right thing. It’s that I know she deserves better and so I won’t.

  We run double drills, and then I stay even longer. I push harder. Dig deeper. I’m not going to let Cammy down. And I’m not going to let this team down either.

  By the time I’m done, I can barely drag myself off the ice. As I start taking off my skates, O’Brian comes in with Vassar and Popov from weights.