by Ginger Scott
Suck it up, Nolan. Keep pretending. “It’s okay, you’re allowed to be irritated, and I’m glad you can talk to me about your frustrations. My day was pretty boring, so you’re not missing much.”
“Noles, every day I’m not with you, I’m missing a lot,” he was sincere, and when he said things like that, it made my heart race. I believed him. I just hoped he’d still feel the same and say those same words after we talked this weekend.
Reed talked a little more about Jason and his dad’s leg. He said his father would be in the cast until the holidays, but that he should start to be able to get around after that. Rose was coming to stay at the house to help out, too, and Reed was hopeful that Jason wouldn’t stay the entire time. I didn’t want to tell him, but I was pretty sure Jason loved being in charge, and I wouldn’t put it past him to break his father’s other leg just to hold onto the job a little longer.
I let Reed go as the sun was setting, promising to call him before I left to come home in the morning. Most of my dorm residents were out partying at the nearby apartment complex—where the campus rules didn’t apply. Thursdays were more like Fridays around here, with most of the classes wrapping on Thursday afternoons.
I took advantage of the peace and solitude and hauled my bag of laundry down the hall so I’d have clean clothes for the weekend. I kicked back in the laundry room for about three hours while I put two loads through wash and dry cycles. I was able to finish my poetry reading and even made my notes for our class discussion on Monday. I was determined to pull my Bs back up to As—even if my grades didn’t matter after this semester. “Push those thoughts back down, Nolan,” I told myself.
It was close to 11 p.m. by the time I finally got everything folded and packed and was settled in my bed for the night. I checked my phone one last time and found a short text from Reed.
See you tomorrow, Princess.
That was it, but it was enough. I closed my eyes and fell asleep quickly for the first time in days.
The clock read 3 a.m. when my eyes flashed open. I was suddenly and completely alert, but I had no idea why. My pulse was pounding, and I stilled my breathing, listening for a noise. Something must have startled me. I watched the small line of light that marked where my door met the floor, studying it for foot traffic or a shadow, but there was no one outside. Deciding it must have been a dream, I threw my covers off and slid sideways from my bed. That’s when I noticed the blood.
My pajama bottoms were soaked, and I could feel dampness on my sheets. Fully awake with adrenaline, I flipped on the light next to my bed to understand. I was bleeding, and badly. I raced to the bathroom and pulled my clothes off, still trying to understand. How could I be bleeding? I checked for more blood, and it was heavy.
No, no, no. I was so scared something was wrong. I was now more than two weeks late, so something had to be wrong with me. I wrapped a towel around my body and went to my desk to grab my phone. I needed Sarah.
I dialed, not even thinking what time it was. When she answered, I realized. “Hello? Nolan?” she whispered groggily. “What the fu…”
“Sarah, please come. Come right now. I need you, something’s wrong!” I was shaking and crying hysterically. “Hurry, please.”
“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll be right there,” she said, hanging up before I could fill her in any more. I slid down to the floor, pulled my knees to my chest and just rocked myself back and forth.
My thoughts raced, “I didn’t want this, but I didn’t want this. This is my fault.” I couldn’t stop the voice in my head. I tortured myself with fear and guilt until I heard the ding of the elevator down the hall. I went to the door to unlock it and let Sarah in.
“Nolan, what’s wro…” she took one look at me, and suddenly she knew. My lips were quivering now, and I was shivering uncontrollably. “Nolan, it’s okay. Come here. It’s okay.”
Sarah was talking softly now. In an instant, I became a scared child, fragile and broken. She pulled me into her arms and cradled me, stroking my hair back behind my ears and holding my head to her shoulder. We stayed like that for several minutes, light sobs coming from me unexpectedly, and each time Sarah just squeezed me tighter and whispered softly in my ear. “Shhhhh, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she said, knowing it wouldn’t, but also knowing that those were the only words she could say right now.
Over the next hour, Sarah helped get me in the shower while she discarded my clothes and changed my bed sheets. I lay awake with my head resting in her lap until the sun started to brighten my curtains. Sarah didn’t sleep either, but instead sat awake with me, just stroking my hair and whispering whatever I needed to hear in my ear. When my alarm clicked on at 6 a.m., the time I usually got up to head to the gym, I reached over and slapped it off.
I rolled my head to look up at Sarah through my puffy eyes. She was a mirror of me. “I have to go see Reed,” I was matter-of-fact. “He’s the only one that can make this okay.”
I started to cry again a little, but sucked back the tears long enough to push myself up from the bed and walk to my dresser.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Sarah said, her voice careful and full of caution.
I just looked down into my open drawer and stared endlessly at my socks and running shorts and sports bras. My drawer was full of youth. Isn’t this what I wanted? We weren’t ready for this. But…this way? The guilt was pounding away at my heart, and each time it did, I fought to not break down in tears again.
“I need to see him. I just do,” I said to Sarah, turning and shaking my head, biting my lip a little to help hold myself together.
“I get it,” she said, standing and bending to pick up my running shoes to hand them to me. “Let me help you get ready.”
Sarah walked me all the way to my car and offered several times to drive me. But I didn’t want her there for any of this. I didn’t know how long it would take to be brave enough to tell Reed everything. There was a chance I would stay parked in the middle of the desert for hours before heading the rest of the way to his house.
I drove extra slow. In fact, I was a little surprised when a cop parked on the side of the main highway just let me pass without an inquisition; I was sure I was going at least 15 miles under the speed limit. I powered through my doubts and pushed myself to drive all the way to Reed’s house without stopping. I noticed the additional giant, lifted four-wheel-drive pick up parked right in front of the main entrance. The license plate read J-DAWG, confirming my suspicion that Jason was still staying at the house.
Somehow, I managed to park and get to my feet. I walked up to the front door three times, turning away with each approach to head back to my car. My fourth attempt was successful and I rang the bell. I didn’t hear anyone stirring for the first several seconds, so I pressed my face to the obscured glass insert in the door. Finally, I saw some movement coming towards me. When it cracked open, I was met with the last face I expected to see. Dylan was standing there in a gray T-shirt, Reed’s T-shirt, and nothing else. Her hair was messy, and her face was smeared with last-night’s makeup.
“Can I help you?” she said with a bit of a southern accent.
“I…uh…I need to talk to Reed?” I was questioning myself, like I had no right to be there. I was so thrown by her presence and her lack of familiarity with me—even though we’d met just a few days ago. “I’m Nolan?”
I felt stupid and out of place, instantly. It was the first time I’d felt that way in months.
“Oh, right. Nolan,” she said with a faint smile. I couldn’t tell if it was smugness or politeness, but something told me it was the former. I was trying to look inside the house over her shoulder when she leaned sideways to move her eyes in front of mine. “He’s still sleeping.”
She just stopped short there, waiting for me to either continue to act the part of the asshole or get what was going on.
“We had a late night,” she offered more, biting her lip a little like she was both proud and ashamed at on
ce. And that was enough. She was here because of Reed, wearing his shirt. And I was pretty sure that smile was arrogance and not friendly in the least. “Want me to tell him you stopped by?” she said, feigning manners now.
My heart was pounding with anger, and I was forming fists at my sides, digging my nails into my palms to try to stave off slapping her. “No need. Thank you very much,” I said, turning and marching back to my car, like a kid who was angry he didn’t get picked on a dodge ball team.
I heard the front door close behind me as I opened my car door. I quickly got in and drove all the way back to campus. I was completely numb, not able to feel, and I couldn’t recall whether or not I stopped at a single stoplight or what exit I took from the freeway. But somehow, somehow I’d made it to my parking lot at school. I leapt up the stairs to my dorm room and threw my running clothes on. I was so angry, and my rage was directed at everyone. I picked up my phone and typed out a text to Reed.
So much for never.
I paced my room, debating writing more, but ultimately decided to leave it short and sweet. My emotions weren’t right, and I couldn’t tell if I wanted to cry or scream obscenities and punch something. If I didn’t do something to center myself, I was going to get into trouble. I grabbed my gym bag and threw my phone, wallet, towel and iPod inside.
It wasn’t quite 10 a.m. on a Friday morning; campus was blissfully quiet, and the gym was empty. As I walked with purpose down the long trail that led to the recreation center, my stomach rolled with stress and rage more than a few times. “Push it down, Nolan. Push it down.” My mantra was the only thing holding me together, not ready to fully download all that I’d lost over the last 24 hours.
I climbed onto the treadmill and wrapped my iPod armband tightly around my bicep, pushing my favorite playlist and pounding my feet into the machine. I’d gone through all of the songs once, letting me know I must have been running for at least 45 minutes, before I slowed down to a brisk walk. As soon as my steps slowed, though, my mind went back into action, my eyes flashing back to Dylan in that damned familiar shirt. Then I started to think about last night, and before reality set in, I pushed the up arrows on the treadmill and roared it back to a steady running pace.
My playlist went through once again, and I was panting heavily. My eyes were wide and focused on the window in front of me, and I barely registered the blurs of color passing through the reflection. People were here, in the gym with me. I pulled one ear bud from my ear, and I heard the clanking of weights and the smashing of racquetballs behind me. It must have been near lunchtime. “I should stop.”
I was about to attempt a walking speed again when things turned yellow—then black. The funny thing about exhaustion is you don’t really see it coming. There aren’t any warning signs, at least not when your head is as messed up as mine was. I remember my surroundings went bright, a golden yellow like I was suddenly thrust under a heat lamp. My balance was thrown, and I stepped to the side in an attempt to regain it. That’s when I felt the zip of my other foot whirl by my now stationary one and felt the smack of my face hitting the conveyer belt, my legs twisting and my vision suddenly fading to black.
I awoke to the sting of an ice pack on my forehead. I was laying flat on my back and the room was spinning above me, the air conditioning was making a whooshing sound over my eardrums.
“Hey you,” a voice was calling to me, but my eyes couldn’t yet focus. When I was finally able to make out the soft white towel being pressed to my face and recognized what it was, I let my vision focus on everything else. Suddenly Gavin was there. “Ah, there she is,” he said, his mouth forming a stretched smile, pushing dimples into each of his cheeks.
“Wha…happened?” I was still pretty woozy, and suddenly I felt like vomiting. I grabbed hard onto Gavin’s arm and pulled myself into a sitting position, slapping my other hand over my mouth and gesturing to him that I thought I might be sick.
“Oh, got it. Let’s get you somewhere. Here, hold onto me,” he lifted me to his side and supported my weight as he walked me from the circle of people who had gathered around us to the lobby of benches near the drinking fountain. The women’s locker room was really close, and I was pretty sure I needed to go in there. I looked over at the door. Gavin understood what I was saying and leaned against it, yelling inside to see if anyone was in there.
“Free and clear. Come on, let’s go,” he said, sliding over a maintenance sign so he could walk me into the ladies locker room. Once I got to the sink and splashed some water on my face, the nausea I was fighting against started to fade. I gripped the counter by the sink and turned my head up to take in my reflection. I was ghost white and my hair was drenched with sweat. I couldn’t tell if it was from the running or my fainting spell.
“Are you feeling okay?” Gavin asked, reaching over to steady me as he walked me back through the main door. A few women were waiting outside and gave him a skeptical look when he removed the maintenance sign and smiled at them as we walked by. I started to lose my balance a bit again and caught myself on the nearby bench.
“Okay, that’s it. You’re going to get checked out by someone,” Gavin said as he started to walk to the main front desk.
“No, I’m fine. Really. I just overdid it,” I tried to stop him.
He paused for a moment and pulled one side of his mouth up to consider what I was telling him. Then he shook his head no quickly and continued to the front desk where the girl working there ogled him as he leaned over the counter and pointed toward me. Her flirtatious smile soon faded into a frown as she looked at me. She got up and walked into the back offices and came out with one of the sports trainers and the three of them approached me.
“She was running and then I looked over and saw her completely go limp on the treadmill. She hit her head pretty hard, and she was out for several seconds,” Gavin explained to the man who was now kneeling in front of me with a medic box filled with gauze and ointments, none of which could do anything to solve what was wrong with me.
“Hmmmm,” the man considered for a moment. “Do you mind going into our back office and grabbing one of the big water bottles for me?” Gavin just nodded and jogged to the back rooms immediately. When he was gone, I just brought my pathetic and embarrassed gaze up to meet Mr. Trainer’s.
He smiled at me softly and reached up to grab my wrist to test my pulse. “I’m Chris. Can you tell me your name?” he said, watching the seconds on his watch and staring at my eyes to follow their movement.
“I’m Nolan,” I said, quiet and mortified.
“Nolan, nice to meet you,” he smiled again, that fake smile someone gives when they’re suspicious of you and trying to unravel your mystery. “Your pulse seems okay. Can you tell me, have you ever fallen like this before? Do you know how much water you’ve had today? Were you feeling dizzy before you started your workout? Did you trip? Do you feel nauseous…?” Chris was hitting me with question after question before I could even answer. My head was bobbing back and forth, like I was watching a tennis match just trying to respond and keep up with him. I was hearing his words echo, and my heart rate was racing again when I had a sudden break.
“I just had a miscarriage,” I said, slapping my hand over my mouth and closing my eyes tight trying to force the reality back into hiding.
I felt Chris’s hands on my wrist again, pulling my hand from my face and forcing me to look at him. “Okay. That’s definitely what led to you passing out. And it’s okay, Nolan. Do you hear me? It’s okay. You probably shouldn’t be working out now, though. You are likely extremely dehydrated, and your body is exhausted. Do you…I mean have you…talked to anyone?” Chris was being careful with me. I didn’t like feeling so weak, so I straightened my posture and shook my head with my last vestiges of confidence.
“No, I’m fine,” I said, forcing myself to stand and dry my tears. My legs still felt wobbly, but I wasn’t going to let anyone here see that.
“Okay, well…you really need to see someone. It can
help. What happened…it’s not something that’s uncommon. But it’s also not something that is easy to deal with always,” Chris seemed uncomfortable. So was I.
“I’m fine, really,” I forced again, giving him a flat smile and willing him to drop it.
“All right, I hear you. I’d just feel better if you at least met with one of the physicians at the health center today. Hmmmm?” Chris nodded at me, begging me to consider.
“I have an appointment Tuesday,” I was defensive now, even my false pleasantries gone.
He just stared at me in silence for a few seconds, considering his move. “I’m not trying to be intrusive. I’m only looking out for your health here. You shouldn’t wait until Tuesday. Maybe just drop by for an urgent care visit, huh?” he was really trying. I gave in and nodded.
I saw Gavin walking up with the bottle of water, and I reached out to shake Chris’s hand. “Thanks. I appreciate your advice,” I forced a closed mouth smile then grabbed the bottle of water from Gavin. “Can you walk me to the Health Center, and then home? It seems I’m dehydrated and need some rest.”
“Sure,” Gavin said, pulling my arm over his shoulder once again, letting me lean most of my weight on him. “Let’s go. Thanks for looking her over.”
Chris the trainer just smiled tightly, nodding, and packed up his small, useless box. I made eye contact with him and could tell he had thought he’d put my puzzle together. But he wasn’t even close.
Reed
I’d managed to sleep hard last night after going a few rounds with Jason. He was already bitching about having to take my dad to an appointment next week in Tucson, like it was some major inconvenience—never mind the fact that he’d be driving into town to take care of business at the Tucson dealerships anyhow.