by Ginger Scott
Sometime over the past year, I’d started challenging my brother. I don’t know if it was something that changed inside of me, maturity perhaps, or if my brother had just managed to become yet an even bigger asshole.
Dylan stopped by my pop’s house on her way from Tucson to Phoenix to run through a few scenarios with me and to pass along some messages from her father. We sat at the counter and went over some things and Jason—not to miss out on the attention from a hot blonde—pulled up a seat to join us, quickly taking over the conversation. Dylan seemed to be annoyed by his presence at first. But when I mentioned some of my hesitation over everything and how it was going to affect Nolan, she was suddenly won over by my dickhead brother’s insensitivity.
“You’re such a pussy over that girl. When you go big time, you’re going to have chicks throwing themselves at you. You’ll be so over your cute, little high school fuck. Don’t make life decisions because of it,” he said. What a dickhead. I hated him.
I just stood at his words, looked at Dylan, who was smirking at my brother’s comments, and told her I was done for the night and would call her next week. I shoved my brother from his barstool so hard that he fell to the floor, and I went upstairs. To think there was actually a time in my life when I looked up to that prick.
I was starving by the time I woke up for breakfast. It had been months since I’d been able to sleep in past 8 a.m., let alone until 10. I threw on a pair of shorts and my old high school championship shirt and jogged down the stairs only to find Jason sitting at the breakfast bar, sheets of his newspaper spread out across every inch of surface and a plate of waffles stacked in front of him.
“Mornin’ shithead,” he said, raising his cup of coffee and not looking up from his paper.
“Fuck off,” I said right back at him.
When I realized Rose was there, finishing up a plate for me and prepping a breakfast tray to take upstairs to dad, I instantly felt embarrassed and guilty for using those words in front of her. Rose had known me almost as long as my parents and was, in many ways, like an aunt to me. She’d lost her husband years ago and had two grown sons that were both in the military, lifers she always said. I think it made her lonely, which is probably why she didn’t mind spending so much time with my pops.
“Sorry, Rosie,” I said, leaning over to kiss her cheek, which she had extended out for me.
“It’s okay, mijo...,” she urged me to come in close, then whispered, “he deserved it.” She gave me a wink and then slid my plate on the counter and retreated upstairs with a full breakfast spread for my dad.
I picked at my plate a bit before diving in, my stomach rolling with hunger pangs, but also conflicted with anger at my brother and what he said about Nolan. I was pretty sure he knew how pissed off I was because he had buried his face in the business section and refused to even glance my way. I just stared at him while I drenched my waffles in syrup, fighting the urge to send my fist through his jaw. “You’re such a dick,” I said a little under my breath. I bowed my head and took a bite but could tell he had glanced up when I said it, tilting his paper down for a second, and then raising it back up.
“Whatever,” he wasn’t even phased.
Stuffed on Rosie’s amazing breakfast, I brought my plate to the sink and was rinsing it when I heard feet sliding down the stairs. I did a double take when I looked up, and it took a few seconds for my eyes to finally focus and relay the message to my brain of what I was seeing.
“Good morning,” Dylan said as she passed me and went to the fridge to pull out the carton of orange juice. She turned around while she was shaking it. “Glasses?”
I just stood there dumbstruck, my brain unwilling to make the connections of what likely had happened last night. I motioned to the cabinet next to the fridge, and Dylan just nodded and turned to get her glass. While she was pouring her juice, I looked over at Jason who still had his fucking nose in the newspaper. I pushed the pages from his hands flat to the counter and mouthed, “What the fuck?” to him. He just smiled and shrugged, then picked the paper back up.
Dylan slid a stool over next to him and turned sideways to swing her legs over his lap, which was maybe the only thing that finally got him to put his paper down. When he leaned over and kissed her and smiled as she nestled into his neck, I was floored.
“Okay, what the hell is going on?” I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“What does it look like?” Jason said, sliding his coffee cup over to me and motioning for me to fill it up. “You mind?”
I just shook my head, my eyes bulging from my face, I was sure. I grabbed his mug and filled it with what was left of the morning’s brew. I slid it back to him and then looked again at Dylan, who was now hiding her face a little from me, perhaps a little embarrassed.
“Reed, I hope you don’t mind, but I borrowed one of your shirts,” she said, pulling up the collar a bit to show me.
I just stared, speechless, and turned for the living room. I flopped on the couch and put on Sports Center to take my mind away from the soap opera that was no doubt unfolding in the kitchen, somehow my future tangled up with it, too. “Fucking Jason,” I thought.
I zoned out for about 45 minutes before I heard the sound of the breakfast stools skid on the floor and turned to see Dylan cleaning up the counter, her bare legs barely covered in my long shirt. I had to admit, I understood why Jason couldn’t help himself. But I would never quite understand what was in it for her. I turned back to the TV and then glanced down at my watch.
“Is it seriously 11 already?” I asked, stretching and getting to my feet.
“Yeah, you slept most of the morning away,” Jason said, folding up his paper and pushing it into the recycle bin. “You get a day off, and you waste it.” His tone was condescending.
My jaw clenched and I held my response in. “I’m just waiting for Nolan,” I said, realizing she probably should have been here by now.
“Oh! I totally forgot,” Dylan said, wiping down the counter and not really paying attention to me. “She came by this morning. Early.”
I was waiting for her to tell me more, and when I realized she wasn’t going to, I urged her on. “Uh, yeah? What did she say?” I had my hands held out to my sides, waiting.
“Nothing. It was really early. I was the only one up, so I told her you were still sleeping,” she started toward the stairs. Suddenly, a suspicion flared inside me.
“Hey, Dylan? Were you in my shirt when you went to the door?” I asked, already knowing but hoping nonetheless.
“Uh, yeah,” she rolled her eyes at me and darted up the stairs.
“Shit!” I pulled my phone from my pocket and saw a text from Nolan.
So much for never.
“Goddamn it!” I grabbed my keys from the counter and rushed to the door, sliding into a pair of flip-flops. Jason had put it together, too, and just started bellowing with laughter, like it was the fucking funniest thing he’d ever seen. I really did hate him.
Reed
I must have dialed Nolan’s phone 20 times during my drive to her dorm, each time it clicked right to voicemail. I knew it would. Why I kept hoping for a different result each time I pressed her number, I don’t know.
Two girls were working at the front desk in her dorm, and thankfully, they were too distracted by their own conversation to pay much attention to me when I blew right past them and charged up the stairs. I got to her room and knocked lightly at first; I could hear the light murmuring of her television so I knew she was there. I waited for a few long seconds and didn’t hear any movement so I knocked louder. When I still heard nothing, I reached for the handle and started to turn it when suddenly the door flew open, making me stumble.
The tall, skinny tattooed guy staring back at me was not what I expected, and I had to shake my head a little, worried that perhaps somehow I’d barged into the wrong room. When I heard Nolan call my name, I was even more confused. I sucked my top lip in a bit and let my vision bounce between Nolan and the stran
ge guy who was in her room…in his socks? He looked waaaayyy too comfortable to be in here.
“Uh, and you are?” I folded my arms in front of me and stared him down. Unfazed, he just reached out a hand for me to shake it.
“Hi, I’m Gavin. I live upstairs,” he said, like everything here was normal. I didn’t shake his hand and instead just pushed by him and made my way to Noles who was lying on her bed, her head propped up with pillows and her favorite blanket wrapped around her feet.
“What the hell?” I said, forgetting for a second why I’d come. I pointed over my shoulder to the strange dude who I did not like feeling so at home in Nolan’s room.
Nolan just rolled her eyes at my gesture, and I would have taken her bait if the cold stare that followed didn’t jolt me back to the entire reason I’d driven here. “Noles, you are soooo off on this one,” I started, but she was quick to cut me off.
“What are you doing here, Reed? Just leave,” she was pale and looked ill. I’d hurt her, and it was killing me.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, probably a little too defensively, but I was still worked up. When Gavin interrupted us and reached for my arm it didn’t help things.
“Reed, right? Why don’t we go take a walk or something, hey? She’s had a bit of a day…” he was trying to explain things to me, like he had any part in our lives. It was pissing me off.
“Gavin, right?” I said, mocking his words. “Why don’t you take a walk?” I stood right in his face, our chests inches apart. I was pretty sure if I had to I could break him in half, and part of me wanted to.
Looking for a lifeline, Gavin peered over at Nolan who just rolled her eyes and told him to give us a few minutes. A few minutes? What the fuck was going on?
Gavin left, letting her know he’d just be upstairs if she needed anything. I did not like this guy. When the door closed, I turned back to Nolan who was sitting up taller on her bed now and pulling her blanket up to her chest. Something was definitely wrong with her; she was sick, maybe? I just wanted to pick her up and put her in my lap and stroke her hair until she fell asleep. But I had to fix the mess my brother made for me first.
“What are you doing here, Reed? Shouldn’t you be somewhere with Dylan?” her words had bite to them, but she also seemed distant and detached. I hated Jason for this chain reaction he’d started, but even more so because he found it all so damned amusing.
“Nolan, Dylan wasn’t there for me. She was there for Jason,” I said, sitting down next to her. She flinched a little at my nearness, and it broke my heart. She was wary of me. “I told you never, Nolan, and I meant it. Never.”
I could tell that the truth was starting to creep into her fortress a little, her eyes pooling a little. She was staring me in the eyes, wordless. I slowly inched closer to her until our legs were touching, and then I placed my hand to her cheek and she shut her eyes, leaning into it a little. The tear that had been threatening to fall finally slid down the side of her face. When she finally looked up at me, she seemed like there was so much she wanted to say, but her mouth would only open and shut, like she was struggling for where to begin. I didn’t need to hear any words, and she didn’t need to say sorry.
“Don’t, just shhhhhh,” I said pulling her close to me and cradling her, kissing her ear and holding her tightly while I rocked her back and forth a little. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. It was just a really messed up misunderstanding. It’s okay. We’re okay.”
I held her like that for the next hour, waiting for her to fall asleep, but she never did. When a smile finally tugged at her lips, I felt like we were back on even ground. I lay back with her and clung her to my chest so I could play with the long wisps of hair that were sweeping over her shoulders.
Unable to help myself, I broached the other topic that had been rattling in my head. “So, Gavin’s…nice?” I said, so obviously not a fan.
“Stop, Reed. He’s just a friend, from class. He lives upstairs,” she explained him easily, but I still didn’t like how familiar he was with her.
“Okay, I trust you. But that guy’s a little too comfortable with you,” I pursed my lips and shook my head a bit.
“You’re cute when you’re jealous, you know that?” she poked at my nose, and I bit at her finger teasingly.
“Well, I’m glad you think so…” I trailed off, just staring into her eyes. “So, why was he here?”
She blew the loose hairs in her eyes up with a fast breath and then sent me a sideways grin. “I had a little accident,” she grimaced, almost embarrassed. “I got a little overzealous with my running when I came home. I was a little angry, in my defense. Anyhow, I sort of fainted.”
She was shadowing her face with her hand a little, hiding her embarrassment. I didn’t like that she’d fainted. It wasn’t anything for her to be embarrassed about, but it was something to worry about. I just threaded my fingers through hers and pulled her hand to our sides then leaned forward to press my lips to her forehead, mostly to see if she was running a temperature. Instead, she was extremely cold.
“You probably got dehydrated,” I decided, standing up and walking into her bathroom to fill a cup with water. “You’re still really clammy; you should drink more liquid, okay?” I handed her the cup, and she sat up to drink it, giving me her trademark salute, a cute gesture she’d been doing since we first started dating in high school.
“And Gavin?” I said, biting my lip, not wanting to seem overly suspicious, but still wanting answers.
She put the cup on her night table and nestled back into her blanket and pillow. “He saw me go down. I hit my head pretty hard, and he helped me get back home,” she rubbed at her forehead a bit, and I could see a small bump forming.
“Noles, did you have someone look at this?” I asked.
“Yeah, we made a stop at the Health Center. I’m fine. Just need to take it easy today, that’s all,” she shrugged her shoulders like she felt bad for ruining our plans somehow. Truth was, there was no place I’d rather be.
“Sounds like a plan,” I said, scooting her back over and getting under the blanket with her, tickling her feet with my toes. “So, what are we watching?”
Her face lit up for the first time since I’d entered her room. “Happy Gilmore,” she said, reaching for the remote to turn the television back on. She sank down into me, and I spent the next four hours—two movies—not moving an inch, trying not to think about the douche bag who lived upstairs.
Chapter 6
Nolan
It was like half of my heart healed the instant Reed showed up. I knew when I saw him that he never slept with Dylan. I felt rather foolish even thinking it. But my emotions were still so tangled; it took me a little while to get my heart back where my head was. I was holding on to so much, my guts twisted with grief and confusion and the secret that was burning a hole in me.
The doctor at the Health Center had the bedside manner of a UPS truck driver, more interested in checking off the list of questions on his iPad questionnaire rather than actually talking to me. After a short and impersonal exam, he confirmed that I likely had a miscarriage. He told me it was incredibly common and that most women had at least one in their lifetime. He gave me a packet of brochures and a condom with a rehearsed lecture about safe sex and then sent me on my way.
I tossed the paperwork in the trashcan just outside his office and shoved the condom in my pocket, not sure why I even kept it. The entire visit only made me feel emptier, guiltier. Gavin never asked any questions after I told him everything checked out fine and just went about getting me comfortable in my room.
Not wanting to be alone, I asked Gavin to stick around to watch movies with me. And when he sat next to me, our sides touching a little, I felt a rush of nerves. It wasn’t the same tingles I got when Reed touched me. These were the curious kind, and they made me nervous. When I heard the pounding on my door, my heart began to race, because I knew it was Reed. And I didn’t want him to see Gavin anywhere near me, let alone in
my room. I was grateful when Gavin got up from my bed, even if it meant he’d be face-to-face with Reed at the door.
Once our misunderstandings were behind us, Reed ended up staying with me through the night. I still had a few things to pick up from my parents, so we both drove back to Coolidge separately on Saturday morning and spent the rest of the day bouncing between visits with Buck and my parents. That night, we drove out to the desert camp and sat on the hood of Reed’s Jeep, just looking at the stars. The big talk about our future plans never really happened, but that was okay. I’d come to terms with the fact that I was going to have to face change, and I might have to make a choice between following Reed to whatever city he landed in or trusting the strength of our relationship and staying at ASU. And that wasn’t something talking would help; I’d have to figure that out all on my own.
Two weeks had passed, and things were starting to feel normal in my world—the panic attacks stopped, and I was sleeping through the night. Dylan wasn’t around as much as I’d worried she’d be, and Jason had been busy with the business, so when Reed and I went to visit his dad a few times, it was just like old times. Rosie had practically moved in, taking on most of the caretaking that Jason had said he would do. I know this set Reed’s mind at ease, because he constantly worried about his dad.
It was almost Reed’s birthday, and I had decided to surprise him with a camping trip, much like the one he’d given me when we first started dating. I wanted to feel connected to him, connected to us, and I thought bringing us back to the place where I’d first given myself to him completely would do that.
I hadn’t let Reed touch me since the day I found out I had miscarried. I wasn’t flinching at his touch like I had for days, but I still found excuses to stop our kissing from progressing any further. I could tell Reed noticed, but he’d never been pushy with me about being physical. I was usually the aggressor, and I knew that to get back to where we were with our sex life, I’d need to be the one to lead us there.