by Ginger Scott
Chapter 9
Nolan
It was almost Thanksgiving break, and I hadn’t heard from Reed in more than a month. I checked my voicemail like a paranoid drug dealer almost hourly. But there was never anything. I was a shell of myself, as if each night that passed, and I didn’t hear from Reed was one more night that a piece of me died. I wasn’t eating, and I had skipped a lot of my classes, too. I was actually carrying two Cs, which I knew was going to screw me as far as my scholarships were concerned, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to care.
Sienna had taken it upon herself to make sure I was up and out of bed every morning, knocking on my door before my first class, and waiting me out until she had proof that I was showered and dressed. But I often just undressed as soon as she left, or just bailed in the middle of my morning lecture, blending in with the crowd of slackers that sat in the back rows. I completely missed two midterms and blew off another writing assignment as well, which was what was hurting my grades mostly.
While Sienna was on academic duty, it seemed Sarah had agreed to be on social duty, coming over every Thursday and Friday night, and forcing me to dress up and leave the comfort of my dark and depressing dorm room to go out dancing. I always went, but I usually just sat at some table and drank while she danced with guys who hit on her at the bar.
Gavin still stopped by to check on me regularly, too, always reminding me that I had options. But the more he reminded me, the more I was repulsed by him. I didn’t even think he was genuine any more, especially since I’d seen him at the bar one night with Sarah and watched how he danced with a few of the other girls. I was just a challenge to him, and he had ruined me in his quest.
I had told Reed everything, and he was completely shutting me out. I think what hurt the most was the constant stream of questions running through my mind that I just didn’t know the answers to: Was Reed mad I didn’t tell him about being pregnant? Was he upset about losing the baby? Was he relieved that he didn’t have to be a father now? Was he dating someone else…or lots of someones?
To make matters worse, when I was able to fall asleep, I usually awoke a few hours later with my heart racing from a nightmare. They weren’t always about Reed, but the ones that were made me cry. I had started to relive the accident, it seemed. Only, in my dreams, Reed never made it out of the Jeep. Sometimes it would explode, other times I would see him in the driver’s seat with the steering wheel cutting through him, his face white, and his lips gasping for breath.
I shared my dreams with Sienna, and she had suggested I make an appointment to talk with one of the school counselors, but the thought of opening up about everything I’d been through to a stranger just terrified me. And there were people out there who had real problems, I thought, problems far bigger than mine. No, the counselors were for those people who were dealing with things like a death in the family, a psychological break or meltdown of some sort. Not girls who got knocked up, and then cheated on their boyfriend.
I hadn’t heard from Sean or Becky in a while, so when they called me the weekend before the break, I was a little surprised.
“Hey, Noles,” Sean was chipper. It was strange, especially since I had convinced myself that he hated me by this point.
“Hey…uhm, how are you?” I asked with hesitation. I had been hiding out in my dark room for so long, I no longer knew how to interact with people, and my conversation felt stilted and awkward.
“We’re good, we’re good,” Sean laughed a little. “We’re leaving a bit early to come home for break—on the road right now. Becks is driving…hey, don’t kill us, okay? Eyes on the road, you can talk to her later…Sorry, she misses you and wants to talk.”
Hearing Becky’s laugh and Sean’s voice was comforting. “That’s so exciting. I can’t get out of here until Tuesday; have to finish some work at the writing center. But maybe when I get into town, we can meet up for burgers or something at MicNic’s?” I asked, my mind imagining everyone piling into Reed’s Jeep, just like we used to—instantly making me sad as I realized the low probability of that happening.
“That’d be awesome…” he was waiting to say something more, I could tell. “So…are you going to the game Thursday?”
Reed’s game—against us: UofA and ASU squared off every Thanksgiving break. I wanted to be there desperately, especially knowing that it might be Reed’s last. But I wasn’t sure I was welcome.
“Uh…I don’t know Sean,” I started, but he cut me off.
“Noles, you have to go. You know he wants you there. Besides, Buck will insist on it,” he was acting as if nothing was wrong.
“Sean, you don’t know that. We…Reed and I…we haven’t talked. Not in a long time. I think he’s moved on,” I admitted it out loud, and it made me choke a little.
“Yeah, I’ve heard you both say that same shit. I’m not buying it. Look, it’s clear you two have some issues to work out…” he paused, thinking of how to say his next sentence. I appreciated that he was dancing around my miscarriage. “But look, you have to start somewhere. I think Thanksgiving will be good for you.”
I soaked in his words. I couldn’t see how me sitting in a football stadium—where Reed might not even know I was there—would be good for us, but I was a little comforted knowing that I could go without his even knowing, just hiding, blending in, and taking in his last rival college game for my own satisfaction.
“Noles? Are you there,” Sean asked.
“Oh, yeah…was just thinking. So…okay, yeah. I guess I’ll go to the game. Maybe I can go with you guys?” I asked, hoping.
“Of course! We’ll see you at Buck’s for Thanksgiving anyway,” he said, matter-of-factly.
“Uhm…what?” now I was confused.
“Yeah, so…Buck invited your parents, and since you and Reed both like to pretend nothing’s wrong, everyone thinks you’re together and lovey dovey, so we’re all having turkey at the Johnsons. Happy Thanksgiving! See you there!” Sean hung up as soon as he was done.
Fuck! How was I going to get through this? I started to fast forward to the day, envisioning Reed staring daggers through me, and then me breaking down in tears in front of everyone, him telling my parents how I kissed someone else…or worse, that I had been pregnant!
I let my head buzz with possibilities, ways I could get out of going, all the way to the writing center for a special Saturday session. My tutoring seemed to be the only thing that still held joy for me, so I went religiously—often spending more time working on the poems and essays that the kids were writing than my own projects and homework.
There was one girl, Kira, who reminded me so much of myself, and I found that I spent a lot of my time working with her. Kira had been struggling to come up with a topic for the winter showcase. She suffered from Tourette’s syndrome, her muscle spasms almost constant, and her stutter a continuous wall in her way. She was one of my older students, almost 18. She was a beautiful girl, but so trapped because of her disability. And for some reason—probably more than any of my other students—I wanted to help her find words that would chip away at her cage. I knew they wouldn’t completely break her free, but I thought if we could just come up with something together, that she could recite in front of a crowd…despite the pauses and stutters that would undoubtedly work against her, she might find a reason to keep trying.
But I wasn’t much help to Kira today. We read through sonnets together, and she practiced saying lines, sometimes actually getting one or two out before her body and brain betrayed her. And I was proud. But when we sat down to work on her topic, I wasn’t my usual glass-half-full self, spouting off options and ideas. Instead, I just sat there and tapped my pencil on my pad of paper, staring at the lines until they bled together.
When our hour was done, I just shrugged at Kira, who still smiled and hugged me despite my lack of enthusiasm for the day.
“Sorry, I don’t think I was very creative today,” I said.
She smiled to let me know it was okay. Kira didn
’t speak when she could find a way around it, and that’s what made me sad the most. Because I’d read some of the things she’d written…and her words were beautiful.
Sarah called while I was walking back to my dorm. It was the afternoon now, so she was on Nolan duty.
“Hey, I’m outside. You should be proud of me,” I was monotone and defensive out of habit. She was starting to harass me lately about my hair, and general look, calling me a vampire and recluse, which I suppose was not so far from the truth.
“Wow, she breathes! To what does the world owe this honor of your presence in the outdoors and sunlight,” she sniped.
I laughed a bit, short and breathy. “Very funny. I had a special tutoring session,” I said.
“Ah, gotcha. Thank god you have those, otherwise we might not ever get you out of that damn room of yours,” Sarah said. She had quit being nice a few days ago. “Well, shower up when you get home. We’re going out shopping today. Sienna’s here, and we’re making it a girls’ day…” She had that tone, the superior one.
“Sar…I’m not feeling it. Can’t we just check out Netflix and crash on the sofa or something?” I was going to lose my battle, I knew.
“Yeah, uh…no. We’re going shopping. And then we’re going to come back to my place, pretty your ass up, and go out to this new sushi place…” I tried to interject, but she just barreled right through my words. “Ah, ah…stop talking. And then…we are going to a club. And you are going to dance—with other guys, who are not Reed. Or Gavin. Or anything like either of them. And we are going to drink shots, off of guys. Well, Sienna says she’s not, but we’ll see…owwww! Don’t hit me! Sorry, Sienna just punched my arm. Anyhow, get your ass over here before we have to come get you. You’ve got 15 minutes.”
Deflated, I slumped my shoulders and walked the rest of the way to my dorm room. I didn’t bother to change into anything spectacular after I showered, because I knew Sarah would just make me change again anyhow, so I pulled on my sweatpants and giant long-sleeved T-shirt that had somehow become my uniform lately and threw some make up and hair stuff in a bag. I was locking up and forcing myself to keep moving forward when I ran into Gavin at the stairs. He looked a little surprised to see me out during the day.
“Wow, haven’t seen you out in a while,” he was sort of mocking me now.
“Thanks for the reminder,” I wasn’t in the mood for him.
“Sorry…that was mean. I’m…just sorry,” he looked down at his feet. “So, you’ve missed a few psych classes. We had a quiz this week.”
I just looked at him, like he was transparent. I was on my way to failing. I felt so far behind that I just couldn’t see how I’d ever be able to catch up. I’d gotten an email from two of my professors this week alerting me that I was in grade trouble. They encouraged me to see them. But I knew I wouldn’t. I was pretty sure I could pull out at least a C, but I’d probably have to take both of the classes again. And even then, I was going to be on scholarship probation. My parents were going to be livid.
“Nolan, I can help you catch up. I can share my notes with you on what you’ve missed. We got an A on the testing project. You aren’t that far behind,” he leaned into me a little, trying to shock me into a response. Instead, I just recoiled a bit from his touch. This boy, who seemed so smart and handsome a month ago, just felt like the enemy to me now. I hated him.
“Thanks, but I’ll be okay,” I said, moving by him to continue down the stairs. Before I could get far, though, he had his hand on my shoulder and was stopping me.
“Noles, please don’t go. I feel…I feel like you’re mad at me. I promise, I heard what you said. I get it. I know that we’re friends. I can’t lie and say I won’t stop wanting more. But I’ll try to quit asking for it. Just don’t shut me out, okay?” he was pleading with me in his eyes. And I didn’t like that he’d called me Noles. That wasn’t his name to say. Rather than make a scene, or draw this conversation out any longer, though, I just smiled instead.
“I’m not mad at you. I just have a lot of things I’m working through. I appreciate the space,” I said, looking him square in the eyes to hope he truly did understand. But I still saw the hope in his face. No matter what, I wouldn’t be running to him.
I thought I was going to be able to escape finally when I made one tiny tactical error. Gavin was about to turn and climb up the rest of the stairs, when he stopped and asked if I was heading out for the evening or spending the night with the girls. I shared too much in return.
“Sarah’s dragging me out to the bar, some club with some hot new DJ. I think it’s called 22?” The words rolled out of my mouth. When Gavin perked up with this new knowledge, I instantly regretted sharing it. I turned to leave him there, but not before he could say goodbye, for now.
“That sounds awesome. Maybe I’ll see you there,” he said, and thankfully, my face turned away from him, he couldn’t see the pained look in my eyes, willing him to stay home.
As I expected, Sarah started dismantling my outfit, hair and face the moment I walked through her door. I think to cheer me up a little, Sienna had brought me some of her handmade earrings, which Sarah quickly put through my ears and built a look and outfit around. They were colorful earth-toned beads and feathers, beautiful and normally a gift I would treasure. But they seemed too happy next to my face as I stared at them in the mirror. Sienna looked concerned when I caught her reflection, so I reached for her hand and squeezed it a bit to reassure her that I liked them, not wanting my friend to think I didn’t appreciate her thought, because I did.
Shopping was tolerable, or at least as tolerable as it ever was for me. I gave complete control to Sarah. It was easier that way, and afforded me the opportunity to slip away to the empty place in my mind. She’d picked out a sheer black-and-white top and tight black pants for me along with a new pair of knee-high boots. The look was actually one I liked, a little sexy, sure, but sturdy and moveable.
Lunch was quiet, or at least, I was quiet during lunch. I listened to Sarah talk about the guy she met at the club last weekend, and how they had been texting, or rather sexting one another. She was excited to see him tonight, which I had discovered was the real reason we were going to the club. I wanted to bail, in the worst way, but Sienna was going, and Micah was out of town at his grandparents, so I couldn’t leave her to wingman Sarah alone.
We got to the club a little early, which was good, because I was going to have to take in quite a few shots if Sarah wanted to get me on the dance floor tonight. Plus, I was constantly scanning the crowd, praying I wouldn’t find Gavin. I hadn’t been drunk since the night of the incident, and was a little wary about getting myself into more trouble. But the thought of numbing myself a bit tonight sounded appealing, too. I was tired of feeling sick—sick about losing a baby, sick about losing Reed and sick about losing my scholarships. And when the vibrating music hit my chest as we entered the club, I thought the faster I could wipe my memories clean, the better.
Sarah ordered shots for each of us as soon as we got to the bar. Sienna was more of a lightweight than I was, so she actually nursed hers a bit while Sarah and I tossed two of them back each, squeezing our eyes shut, and shaking our heads from the sharp bitterness that burned down our throats. I was feeling the effects almost instantly, which is what made me willing to head out to the dance floor with the girls.
Apparently, some big local DJ was at the club tonight, which made things a little more crowded than normal. To be honest, I liked the anonymity the crowds were giving me. We were packed in, body to body, and there was no room for strangers to notice me on the dance floor. I was starting to get comfortable, thinking there was no way Gavin would show up and hit on me, when I spotted his head several bodies away from me, swaying in the crowd. He had a few friends with him, some of them girls, and appeared to be distracted, so I moved to the opposite side of the floor and surrounded myself with more strangers.
I felt safe here. There was no way I would be tempted to let down my
guard with someone else. It was just me—smashed between sweaty arms, legs, backs and torsos—all to the rhythm of the music. I didn’t even need to know how to dance well, just push my arms in the air and move. Sienna seemed to like the lack of pressure, too, because she actually finished both of her shots and was now jumping to the music in the center of the floor with me. Somehow, Sarah managed to squeeze in with us, and gave me another shot, which I consumed quickly. Sienna refused hers, so I took that one, too, and let my eyes lose focus on the flashing colorful lights all around us.
We had been on the floor for more than an hour, and I had taken every shot Sarah pushed my way. That was her way of medicating, and tonight, I let her play doctor. My body was wet with perspiration, my thin shirt sticking to my chest and back, and my feet aching from the tall arch of my new boots, but I didn’t care. I kept dancing, moving and staring at the lights. Sarah had found the guy she’d hooked up with last week and was in her own world, and Sienna had made her way back to the tables, wanting to slow things down. But I powered on.
As the night wore on, the music got sexier, more suggestive. I had completely left myself by this point, my body powered by the alcohol far more than by my brain. I felt strange hands brush the damp hair from my neck, and then watched them reach for me and run over my back, arms and breasts. And I just put my hands in the air and let them. I felt a freedom that I hadn’t known ever and was comforted by the anonymous sea of drunken men and women. I was in the mix, ignoring life and my problems, and just letting the vodka, or whatever Sarah had fed me, power my limbs.
I don’t know how long I swayed like this, dancing with my stranger, but my safe haven was rocked when I turned into the body that the arms belonged to, and found my face square into Gavin’s chest. I was drunk, more so than I was the night I’d kissed him, but somehow my wits were with me. I pushed from him and threw his arms from my sides.