by Ginger Scott
I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid Sarah and Sienna forever, so I texted them and told them to meet me at the Starbucks for coffee. Sienna, always perceptive, knew something was up almost immediately, texting me back:
You okay?
I was done lying.
No. Not at all.
I managed to take a shower and pull on some sweats and my warm Uggs. It was starting to get chilly at night, and I wasn’t up for driving, so I planned on walking. I was stuffing my keys and some cash in my pocket when my phone buzzed. I was anxious and excited at first, but then I saw it was Becky. Knowing I couldn’t put this off forever either, I answered while I locked up.
“Hey Becks,” I said, knowing what was coming.
“Hey…are you…okay?” She knew. That must mean Sean knew, which meant at least Reed was talking to someone—that made me feel hopeful.
“No, not really,” I sighed. “Becky, I don’t know how it got to this.” Becky didn’t know the full story, and I didn’t think I’d be able to fill her in on everything, including the pregnancy, in the short walk to the coffee shop. I was pretty sure Sean would know about it soon anyhow, though, and by extension, Becky.
“Reed called Sean. I’m sure you know,” she sighed. “Has he called you yet?”
“No…” I lingered. “I keep waiting. Actually, I got a little hopeful when you called.”
“Oh…I’m sorry. I’m sure he’ll call, Noles. Sean said he was pretty tore up, but he got through to him.”
The tears were starting to come again, so I wiped my eyes with the corners of my sleeves. I was passing people on the sidewalk now, so I tried not to give too much away, but I wanted to know everything Becky knew…she was my only connection to Reed.
“What happened, Nolan? Was this guy, like, just hitting on you all the time or something? I mean, do you like him? Do you know him really well?” she was trying to give me the benefit of the doubt.
I just let out a big breath and shrugged, even though she couldn’t see it. “I don’t know. I mean, yes, he’s really good looking…and he’s smart. His name’s Gavin, he’s in a lot of my classes with me. We’ve worked on a lot of projects together, and he’s always been flirty, but that’s it.”
“Did he just blindside you? I mean, how did the kiss happen?” she was trying to understand.
“Becks, I was pretty drunk. I remember it, but sort of like it was a dream. Or more like a nightmare. We were out celebrating, a bunch of us were. And you know me, I never go out…but it just sounded like so much fun. And I was so stressed…you know, from school,” I was vague with that last part. “We were playing pool, and everything was fine. And then there was a band, and we were dancing and then Gavin got close and we were dancing really closely, and he touched me a little, not like that, but still…it was pretty clear what he was suggesting. And then I bolted.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Did he kiss you while you were dancing? I’m sure if you explained this to Reed he’d see…” Becky started to suggest, but I cut her off.
“No, no. It wasn’t while we were dancing,” I said, the tears threatening again. I hung my head in shame and bit my lip a little. “He followed me outside, and after a really intense stare-off, we kissed each other. Becks, I didn’t stop him. Not for a looooong time, at least.”
Starbucks was only another block away. We both hung on the phone in silence for a few seconds, and I was starting to worry that I’d lost Becky, too. Then she finally spoke.
“Nolan, it’s not as bad as it sounds. I think maybe Reed’s mind is making it worse than it is. You just need to explain it to him. It was a kiss. You didn’t sleep with him, and I’m guessing you never plan on kissing him again,” she joked a little.
I just laughed in return. “No, I really don’t. I don’t even like him that way, Becks. I just want to rewind the whole damn thing,” I said, starting to feel a little optimistic.
I hung up with Becky as I walked into Starbucks, where Sarah and Sienna were waiting for me. I went through the entire story again with them, and, after taking my lecture from Sarah, left feeling even more encouraged. They were both proud of me for finally coming clean with everything to Reed, even if it was on his voicemail.
I checked my phone every 15 seconds it seemed during my walk home, feeling phantom vibrations and believing each one was a call or text from Reed. It wasn’t, but I knew he had only gotten off from practice an hour or so ago. I was actually in a place where I was looking forward to my night of laundry and some much overdue lit reading—thinking my mind would actually let me focus for the next hour or two—when I saw Gavin leaning against my door, looking down at his phone while I approached. Seeing him just zapped me of all energy.
“Gavin, what are you doing here,” I said, probably a little harsher than I needed to, but I didn’t want to send any mixed signals.
He looked up and moved over while I pulled out my keys. He shoved his phone back in his pocket, shrugging a little, “I’m not stalking you…I promise,” he said wryly, smirking at me a little.
“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just…I think we, you and I, probably need a little space. I’m trying to work through some things…” I wasn’t making much sense, and his presence just had me flustered.
“I get it,” he said, not making me go on any more than I had to. “I just wanted to make sure we were okay…apologize. Do you have a few minutes? Just to talk,” he raised his shoulders a bit when he spoke, trying to prove his innocent intentions.
I just laid my forehead on my door as I pushed my key in the lock and turned it. Letting out a deep sigh, I twisted my face to look at him, his puppy dog eyes begging me. “Sure, but only for a few minutes. I have a lot to do, and I haven’t really been able to focus lately,” I admitted.
Gavin followed me into my room and pushed the door closed behind him, but not completely, I think not wanting me to feel threatened. I appreciated that. He was twisting his hands together in front of him, a little uncomfortably while he paced around, deciding where he should sit. He finally sat at my desk chair, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees. I pulled my things from my pocket and went to work grabbing my laundry and cleaning supplies.
“Look, Nolan. I’m not going to lie. I like you. I like you more than I should. And I know it’s a problem, it creates problems…but I think there’s a part of you that likes me, too. Maybe…just a little,” he was making things worse, mostly because I did like him…but not like he liked me. And I didn’t want to lose that thing we had, whatever it was, before I went and kissed him and made it all complicated. But I also knew I didn’t want to lose Reed. And that was more important than anything.
I stopped stuffing towels and T-shirts in my laundry bin and sat on my bed, across from him. I blew the hairs out of my face, and then rubbed it with my hands, thinking, searching for the right words to say. There weren’t any, so I just started talking.
“I do like you, Gavin…but…” I held up my hand to stop his smile from growing. “I’m in love with Reed. What I feel for you is a close friendship, and I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s all I have to give to you. I never should have let it get as far as it did that night. And I’m so sorry that it gave you the wrong idea. But I can’t be with you. I can’t give up what I have, because it means the world to me—and it’s killing me right now, knowing how badly I hurt Reed.”
I stood up to walk over to Gavin a little, his head was hanging down, and his brow was bunched. I knew he didn’t expect me to leap into his arms, but I also think he thought he could chip away at me a little today, make me doubt my heart. “I’m sorry, Gavin,” I said right in front of him.
Tilting his head up a little, he just bit the tip of his tongue and nodded, chuckling quietly, mostly embarrassed, I could tell. I wanted to make it better. “I really am flattered, though. You have to know, most of the girls in this building would smack me right now at turning you down. You’re kind of the resident hottie you know,” I smiled, jok
ing, but also being honest. Most of the freshmen in our dorm were in love with Gavin, always showing up at his door to ask for help with ridiculous things, just so they could talk to him.
Unable to stand the tension in the room any longer, I turned back to my laundry pile to look like I was ready to leave. Getting my hint, Gavin stood, a little less confident looking than when I let him in a few moments earlier. “Well, I guess, thanks for being honest,” he half smiled. “Brutally honest…”
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to be brutal,” I said, following him to my door.
“I’m kidding. You weren’t. I just really hoped for a different response,” he said, opening the door a little and backing out. “I just haven’t met anyone quite like you…not since Maya. You’re really smart and beautiful…”
He stopped at his words and lingered on my face for a few seconds. I was feeling the heat from his stare, and it was making me uncomfortable, and forcing me to look down. I held on to the side of the door to keep myself grounded, ready to close it if I needed to. I flinched a bit when he reached up to sweep a few strands of hair from my face, but then shut my eyes when he tucked them behind my ear. When I opened them again, he was looking at me, really looking at me. And I knew by that look, that we couldn’t be friends. For him, that would never be enough.
“Thanks, that was really nice of you to say,” I said, smiling and genuine, because it was. But I had nothing to give back. Unsure of what to do, I just reached up to hug him a little. “Thank you for understanding,” I whispered.
Gavin hugged back, a full hug with everything that came with it. I felt every single fingertip slide behind me and squeeze. And as we pulled apart, I felt his lips graze the side of my cheek, and then he hovered by my ear for just a brief second. “I had to try,” he said, grinning as he backed fully away, and then turned to go upstairs.
I closed the door as soon as he was gone and leaned back on it, pushing the hairs from my now flushed face. What the hell? I’m not the girl that has boys fighting for her. This was awful. I pulled my lit book from my shelf and plopped on my bed, opening up to the beatnik section. Laundry could wait; I just wasn’t feeling it any more.
Reed
It was like the worst fucking nightmare, and it just wouldn’t end.
I left practice and headed straight for Nolan’s campus. I didn’t have my phone or my wallet, and I was pretty sure I was going to have to stop back at my dad’s house to get cash for gas. I just had to get there. The more I thought about her and what happened, the more I wanted to give her the chance to explain it away. I was so pissed at myself for almost getting carried away with some one-night-stand the night before, how could I blame Nolan for the same damn thing?
But that all flew right out the window the minute I got to her floor and saw that asshole with his hands all over her. He was leaving her room, and I watched him kiss her face and whisper something in her ear. The way she reacted to it, flushed and heated, was enough to send me over the fucking edge.
He backed away as she closed the door, and when he turned around, and stuffed his hands in his pockets with the huge-ass smile on his face, I just wanted to vomit. He knew I was there; he didn’t even look up when he got to the stairwell door. “What are you doing here, Reed? She doesn’t want to see you,” he said, not even man enough to make eye contact with me.
“Who are you to tell me what she wants,” I bit back, bracing myself for a fight.
Gavin walked back into the stairwell, just smirking, and I followed him in. He stopped after only a few steps and turned back to look down at me, leaning on the handrail in a way that just oozed of condescension. “I’m the guy that’s here, that’s who. Who are you? The guy that shows up every few days, and keeps her locked up in a fucking box so she can’t really live?” He was attacking me with his words, and I could feel my pulse kick up in defense.
“She’s my girlfriend, bro. You need to back the fuck off,” I said, stepping up one level to meet his gaze and challenge him. But he stepped down to meet me, our chests inches apart while we stared each other down.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m the one that was here for her last night, when you just left, and she wants me here,” he had a hint of something on his face, not quite a smirk, but it was superior, and it was making me question things.
“What…do you mean…you were the one that was here for her last night,” I said, my teeth pushing into my bottom lip, as I stared at him and my heart thumped through my entire body.
He just chuckled a little and looked down, shaking his head a bit, like I was some fucking joke, an embarrassment to myself. I was being a fool.
“I don’t need to tell you what I mean…bro…you know exactly what I mean,” he finished then slowly started backing up the steps, keeping his eyes on mine, while I stood there as the earth crumbled beneath me. My body was shaking, and I was struggling to get a full breath. I wanted to charge after him and slam his body into the wall, but his words, his confession, had me paralyzed. I watched him turn slowly as he reached the landing to the next floor. Then, just before he reached his door to open it, he leaned over the rail and gave me one final knockout punch.
“Time to move on, man. She has.” His words followed by the smack of his door shutting.
I just stood there, wide-eyed, in the stairwell for the next several minutes. This was the second time in two days I was living this nightmare. It was like Groundhog Day, and I was Bill Murray. I looked back at the door to Nolan’s floor and thought about busting into her room and questioning her, but I didn’t really want to hear any more excuses. I kept replaying her face when she confessed that she had kissed him back, and the thought of her admitting to much more just killed me. Had she been unhappy for a while? Did she want to break up weeks ago? Months ago?
My feet somehow had carried me back to my Jeep, and I sorted through my thoughts all the way to my dad’s house. Truth was, Nolan had been unhappy, almost from the beginning of our semester. It always felt like she was pulling away, but she still seemed so happy to see me. And she made the effort, too. Drove to Tucson to see me, came to my games. But I wasn’t around…and when I wasn’t, and Nolan was alone, I really didn’t know what was happening. The thoughts were making me sick.
I was close to empty when I pulled into the driveway. My dad and Rosie were sitting at the breakfast bar eating pasta when I came in. The house smelled like a home, a smell I could get used to. That’s how Nolan’s house always smelled. Since Rosie had been staying to care for my dad, meals were becoming a common occurrence. Not just the usual frozen ones either, but slow-cooked, all-day-prepared meals.
“Reed, what are you doing here, son?” Pops said, sliding out a stool with one of his crutches to make room for me. “Come on, plenty to eat. Rose made a real good dinner tonight.”
A little deflated, I slumped over to my dad and took a seat while Rosie got up and fixed me a plate. She put the pasta in front of me and kissed my head while she squeezed my shoulders a little. “Always good to see you, mijo,” she said, sitting back down to finish her dinner.
“You staying the night, Kid? Or what,” my dad asked, not even looking up from his plate; he was so engrossed in his meal. I sort of worried that my dad was going to eat himself into another heart attack with all of the food he’d been eating while he was laid up with his leg. But, I also knew Rosie, and she found a way to make the most amazing things out of low-cholesterol ingredients. She wasn’t above tricking my father into being healthy.
Swirling the spaghetti strands around my fork and spoon, I just nodded. “Yeah, I think so. That okay?” I asked.
“Sure is; Jason’s out until tomorrow. It’ll be nice to just be me and you again,” he said, but then Rosie cleared her throat a little to remind him she was here. “Oh, and Rose of course.” He looked up and smiled at her, and I thought for just a second that maybe I caught a hint of something else. But I let that go, and instead went back to thinking about my own broken relationship.
-------------------------
I thought about calling Nolan the morning after I spent the night at my dad’s house. I thought about it again that night, and then again every night for the next two weeks. But every time I got my phone out and started to punch in her contact, I stopped and realized she wasn’t calling me either. Then I thought about that prick Gavin, and the words he spoke. “She’s moved on.” Maybe, she has?
My birthday came and went. I made an excuse with Pops when he had a big dinner planned, told him Nolan had some internship thing at a special needs camp. He bought it, which was amazing, because I was shit at lying. I couldn’t seem to get myself to make it real. We weren’t talking—hadn’t talked for almost three weeks. But for some reason, I felt like if my dad still thought everything was fine, then maybe we’d find our way back, and no one would ever need to know.
I suppose part of it was pride, too. I felt betrayed, yes, but I also felt oddly ashamed. It felt like everyone knew my girlfriend had left me for some tattooed nobody, like they just stared at me, and pitied me. I knew I was just being crazy, but my head was doing a lot of crazy things lately.
Somehow, though, I managed to keep the football side of my head on straight. My numbers were ridiculous, and stories were starting to swirl on ESPN and in the papers about what I might do next season. Dylan and I talked frequently, even more so now that she was seeing my brother. She told me all of the press was common for a quarterback my age, in a draft year like this, so I just kept my mind on that—focused on the prize. Where going to the NFL was a future dream before, it was an out-clause now, a way to start over, and become a third version of Reed Johnson—not the shithead teenager or naïve college guy I had been, but my own man—free to date any woman I wanted, whenever I wanted, and however long I wanted. Maybe I’d try that for a while.