by Ginger Scott
I stood at her words, and just stared at her busy hands. Rosie must have heard the commotion because she was in the kitchen now, too, and bending down with a towel to help. “Oh, Noles, your pretty dessert. It’s okay, I’ll get it sweetie. You go clean up. Why don’t you use the spare bathroom,” Rosie said, squeezing Nolan’s hand to get her to stop. She finally looked up at Rosie and smiled, but her eyes still seemed so damn sad.
“Ooooooh, trouble in paradise there, little brother?” Jason teased, condescendingly, as he picked a crouton from the salad on the counter, and popped it in his mouth as he turned to walk away. I was instantly filled with rage and found myself grabbing a fistful of his buttoned shirt and twisting it to make him uncomfortable, my fist locked just under his chin. “Ah, I hit close to home, didn’t I? You wanna take it out on me because your little high school romance didn’t work out? Go ahead; hit me, you little shit. But you know I was right. And you can do better.”
I stared him down, my face inches from his, my breathing ragged, and my heart pounding with more anger than I’d ever felt. I wanted to break his nose. But I also knew he lived to push my buttons, and I didn’t want to ruin Thanksgiving. And then I looked past him and saw Nolan standing at the foot of the steps, not yet upstairs, just chewing on her fingernails and seeing…everything. Not taking my eyes off of her, I just thrust Jason’s shirt collar back into his body and backed away, brushing off the front of my shirt and cracking my neck a little to one side. I finally looked back at Jason to see his arrogant smirk. I couldn’t let him off completely. I looked back to where Nolan had been standing, and she was gone. I settled back on Jason, leaning in close one more time, taking pride in the fact that I almost doubled him in size now. “You’re a dick,” I said, holding his eyes for just a bit so he’d see I meant everything I said before turning to join the rest of my family in the living room.
Despite the hours Rosie spent in the kitchen working on every detail of our dinner, we managed to demolish it in a matter of minutes. The table was quiet for moments at a time while we all stuffed our faces with her delicious turkey, stuffing and gravy. Pops, Jason and I always ate like Neanderthals, shoveling food in our mouths sometimes with our bare hands, and picking up fallen crumbs from the table and pushing them into our mouths, too. My mother always hated it but Rosie seemed to take it as a compliment.
Tonight was the first time I’d had a real Thanksgiving meal in my own house, ever…and it was amazing! Even Nolan’s mom praised Rosie on her cooking, which was saying something, since every meal I’d had at the Lennox home was the single best thing I’d ever eaten, each thing Nolan’s mom made one-upping the last.
Nolan and I were sitting at the far end of the table next to one another, but like strangers. We were both putting on a performance it seemed. She would smile and nod at conversations, half leaning her head in my direction, but never fully settling in to make eye contact. I found myself challenging her, though, staring right at her for longer than I should. She was friendly, and almost flirtatious, but there was an underlying sadness to her that I couldn’t deny. I just kept replaying her crying on the floor in my kitchen, so lost and helpless, and my stomach sank in fear that I had made her that way. I’d almost feel sorry, and then remind myself that she was the one who kissed another man…and maybe more, and then when I thought of Gavin, I balled my hands into fists on my knees and quit feeling so bad.
“So, Nolan…how’s school going?” Jason was engaging her now, but he had that tone to his voice that he only made when he wanted to give me shit. Immediately, I was defensive.
“Oh…uh, it’s fine,” she just smiled and looked down to straighten the napkin on her lap. Shit! She was barely holding it together, I could tell.
“Huh…” he just said, taunting her.
“What do you mean…huh?” I said, not able to take it, but probably just throwing gas on the fire.
Jason slid his chair a bit then and sat up straight to meet my gaze. “Well, little brother…” I knew he was going to lay into me now, get me back for knocking him around in the kitchen a little, getting in his face. Jason didn’t like to be shown up, even if nobody was watching. “I just mean it must be hard between the two of you, long distance and all. I just wondered if Nolan ever had to turn anyone down, break some poor ASU guy’s heart?” He smirked, tempting me.
I felt my heart beating in my stomach, and the weight of everyone’s stares bouncing between Nolan and me. They were all rapt with the conversation, smiling and waiting for our cute response. And I was so pissed at the part of me that wanted to let them all down—just to crush her a little, the part that wanted to say, “No, she never turns anyone down. Instead, she just kisses whatever asshole wants to get her into bed that night.” But I didn’t, I just looked at Nolan, every muscle in her face clenched, and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek softly. Then I looked her right in the eyes as I backed away and got my own little dig in, private and not for anyone but her. “Never,” I said, holding her gaze, and instantly feeling regret for saying it as she fought to keep the water pooling in her eyes from falling.
Suddenly not hungry for dessert, I excused myself, and pushed back from the table to head upstairs and clear my head. I noticed Sienna’s hand squeezing Nolan’s under the table as I walked away, and immediately knew I’d made a mistake. “I’m such an asshole,” I thought. But I had been so angry for so long, for once I just wanted to give into it. Turns out it wasn’t worth it.
I hung out in my room for about 20 minutes, just lying flat on my back and staring up at my ceiling. I was startled when my dark room lit up from the hallway light as someone cracked it open. My heart jumped a little, thinking it might be Nolan, but then settled when I realized it was Sarah.
“Hey,” I said, laying back down and folding my hands under my head. The bed flopped heavily as she lay down next to me.
“Hey,” she said, mimicking me. We both sat there in comfortable silence for a while. I was growing to really like Sarah. She was real, always gave it to people straight, and I admired that. Of course, that meant sometimes I had to take what she was dishing.
“So…that was a prick move down there,” she said, turning her head to prop it up on her hand and look at me.
Sighing, I put my hands on my face to try to rub away the memory of an hour ago. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. My brother is a real asshole,” I said, turning to her and wincing.
“Hmmmmm, yeah…he is,” she said, then sat up, and looked down at me. “But I was talking about you.”
The look she was giving me could have burned a hole through my eyes. I just stared right back into, owning it. She was right, and I knew throwing my vow to never cheat on Nolan in her face was the shittiest thing to say the moment the words came out. Not wanting to get into it with Sarah, and partly wanting to take my punishment, I just shrugged a bit, and lay flat on my back again, throwing my arm over my eyes. “Yeah, it was a prick move,” I said.
We were quiet after that again until we heard the others start to stir downstairs. The sounds of chairs scuffing the floor and dishes clanking had us both sitting up. I was dreading going back down there to face everyone after the shit I’d said. And I was pretty sure after the stunt I’d pulled, Nolan’s parents were starting to question us, too.
“Get your shit together, Reed. We’re going out tonight,” she said as she flung the door open, leaving me there without an opportunity to say no.
By the time I got downstairs, Nolan’s parents had left, and I didn’t see her either. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, but it was instantly replaced with self-pity. I saw Sarah standing in the kitchen swinging her keys around one finger. “Sar, look…if nobody else wants to go, maybe we just call it a night,” I started, but she just held up a hand in my face.
“Oh, everyone’s going. Everyone,” she said, turning me around to see Nolan standing at the doorway with Becky, Trig and Sean, her face at peace for the first time this evening.
We split into two cars, I took
my Jeep with Trig, Becky and Sean, and Sarah drove Sienna and Nolan. We headed out to the Old Wheelhouse on the outskirts of town. It was an old-fashioned country bar, the kind where bands played honky-tonk, and the ranch hands came to spend their paychecks on beer. It also happened to have karaoke and pool, which is where I was sure Nolan would spend most of her night.
The girls got there before we did, and I as I pulled in to park, I watched them walk up to the front doors. Nolan was lagging behind—her hair slung over one shoulder. I wanted to reach out and touch it, kiss her neck. But instead, I just sat there in the Jeep, resting my chin on the steering wheel, and panting after her like a dog.
When we walked in, Sarah had found herself a spot on the dance floor already, working the crowd into some line dance and getting the attention of a few of the locals. I slid up to the bar next to Trig and Sean, and nudged Sean a little with my elbow. “Where are the girls?” I asked.
“They’re in there watching Nolan sweep the floor with some guy at the tables,” he chuckled. It was her favorite thing to do, hustle some poor sap into some stupid bet. She’d gotten us free drinks when we went out more than once. I loved watching her do it, but I never wanted to play against her. I was shit at pool. Trig seemed intrigued at our conversation and slid from his stool to go check out the match himself.
“Hmmm, maybe I’ll take her on,” Trig said, wiggling his eyebrows a little like he had a shot in hell. Sean and I just laughed. I nodded at the bartender, who slid over a beer before reaching out to shake my hand. I was a bonafide local celebrity in Coolidge, but the people here were more down-to-earth. It was comforting. Like home.
There weren’t many options at the Wheelhouse—shots or beer. I started sipping mine when I felt Sarah slide into the stool on my other side.
“So, cowboy. You wanna dance? Or what?” she asked. I knew I didn’t really have a choice, so I let her guide me by the hand out to the dance floor. It was some slow country song, so I just kept hold of her hand and put my other one on her back. This dance was going to be all about conversation.
“Look, Sarah. I’m sorry about earlier...,” I started, but she cut me off.
“Just don’t, Reed. I get that you’re hurt, and pissed, and angry, and all kinds of other shit. But you need to cut our girl some slack,” she had her bossy tone on now. She pursed her lips, almost like she was reigning herself in. That was huge for Sarah. “Reed…Nolan’s on academic probation. She’s been skipping a lot of her classes because of everything that’s happened. Sienna and I have been taking turns trying to get her out of her room, but she never leaves it. She just holes up in there. The only thing she comes out for is to help her floor charges or to work her writing workshop.”
I was a little stunned, and stopped our dance—not that it was much of one—to soak in her words for a moment. I knew there was something sad about Nolan, but I didn’t think she’d ever be in academic trouble. Her scholarships were everything to her. Suddenly, I felt worse…about everything. Sarah and I weren’t even really spinning anymore, but rather just swaying slowly in the middle of the dance floor, the only couple out there.
“Is she going to lose her scholarship?” I asked, curling one side of my lip and squinting my eyes to brace myself for more bad news.
Sarah just sighed at first. “I don’t know. She won’t talk about it,” she said. “I think her grades are good enough to give her a shot to make up for it in the spring. But Reed? I’m not so sure she can pull it together—not without talking to someone.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant by that, and it killed me to think of Noles being so depressed and not having anyone to talk to about it, especially when I was supposed to be that one person, her person. I just looked down and pulled Sarah’s hand into me so I could hug her now. I kissed the top of her head a little and thanked her for being a good friend. I felt her body weight fall under my embrace and, when she looked up at me, her eyes were glossy. I just smiled faintly, understanding her love for Nolan.
“Sar? Can you tell me one thing?” I said, leaning back to look at her again.
“What?” She was back to being tough, clearly her way of keeping her emotions in check. It made me laugh a little as I pulled her in for more dancing.
“Where’s Gavin in all of this? I mean, I get it…you don’t want to tell me about him…and what he and Nolan are…or do…or did…or whatever. But Sar, I gotta know. Did he just sleep with her, and ditch her once he got what he wanted?” I asked, my brow pinched, while my head tried to work everything out before she laid it on me.
Sarah just stiffened at my question, her feet stopping, and her face looking down at them. Her gaze flashed to mine in an instant then, her face confused and full of worry. “Reed…you know she never slept with Gavin, right?” She said, her words slapping me in the face and fighting against everything I had believed for weeks.
“Uh…what do you mean?” I said, backing away a little, my hands dropping to my sides.
“I mean…Nolan. Never. Slept. With. Gavin,” she said it slowly and punctuated each word, drilling it into me, and angry at my accusation.
“Fuck!” I said backing away from Sarah faster now and heading for the front door. She followed me out.
I was pacing now in the dirt parking lot in front of my Jeep. I kicked a rock so hard it dinged off of one of my doors, and then pushed my hands through my hair and tilted my head up to look at the stars. “You’re fucking kidding me!” I screamed loudly enough to turn a few heads of others that were just walking into the bar. Embarrassed, I put up a hand in an apologetic wave. Sarah was frozen, just watching me pace and work out everything in my racing mind. I stopped right in front of her and put my hands on either shoulder.
“Sarah. You’re telling me that Nolan never slept with Gavin?” I wanted to hear her say it again.
“Reed. I can’t believe you’d even ask that,” her forehead was wrinkled like my words weren’t even making sense. She shook her head slowly at me in disappointment, and I just started pacing again.
“I can’t believe that fucker,” I said under my breath. Sarah caught my arm to stop me then.
“What fucker?” she gritted through her teeth now.
“Gavin. I came to see her, not long after we fought. You know, when I found out that she’d kissed him? He was coming out of her room, and he said that he’d spent the night,” I hung my head feeling foolish that I believed him.
“Fuck! That asshole played me to get me out of his way. And I just fucking waved him right in,” I thought.
I was sick, and felt like I was going to throw up, though I’d only had a few sips of a beer. Suddenly, I needed to talk to Nolan more than anything in the entire world. I left Sarah standing in the parking lot and stormed back into the Wheelhouse and found Sean still sitting at the bar. He was working on his second beer now. I looked around a bit for Nolan but didn’t see her, instead Trig was just playing pool with a few other guys. Urgency must have been oozing from my pores, because Sean caught on quickly.
“She’s dancing with one of those dudes,” he said, tilting his head to the dance floor. Some local in a cowboy hat was spinning her around the floor, and she was laughing. Where moments ago I was conflicted between loving the sight of her smile and resenting her for it, now I only appreciated it more than the air I was breathing. She looked happy—simply, deliriously and absolutely happy. I had missed those carefree eyes, and when I thought about the tears that fell from them on the day you’re supposed to be thankful, I felt like the biggest asshole ever.
I leaned into the bar for the entire song, just watching her, soaking her in. She was suddenly flawless. I could look at her without seeing Gavin, and my gut sank thinking of how much suffering she had endured. I was lost in her when I started a little as someone pushed me off balance from the bar, falling to one knee just to catch myself.
“Hey, bro,” Jason said, reaching his hand out to catch a hold of me. I grabbed it, and stared him down as I got back to my feet, and brushed of
f the dirt from my jeans.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, completely uninterested in his lame-ass attempt at bonding.
“Hmmm. Nice, little brother,” he said, taking a drink from his beer bottle and setting it back down on the bar. I hated that he called me little brother. He’d always done it. Just another part of his faulty personality and constant need to make sure I knew I was less than he was. Truth was, though, I was ten times the athlete Jason was, and the attention I was getting was killing him.
“Dylan wanted to come check this place out. She likes karaoke,” he made a sour face as he spoke. I think Jason liked the idea of being with someone like Dylan more than he actually liked her. Even more, though, I think he liked the fact that our mother praised him for picking such a lovely girl. My mom’s need to marry one of us off to the Nichols family was, apparently, relentless.
I saw Dylan walk out of the hallway by the pool tables with another blonde and in a flash my stomach turned. Shit! It was the girl I walked home that night with Trig! The one who stripped for me and I’d left half naked in her living room!
I wanted to sprint from the building immediately, but my muscles were rendered utterly useless after the rush of adrenaline passed through my legs upon realizing my newest nightmare was walking up to me, wrapped in a scantly dressed bow. Dylan was reaching up to kiss Jason on the neck, while straightening the strap on one of her shoes when she looked me in the eyes to introduce me to her friend. “Fuck!” I thought; I didn’t know what to do.
The girl locked eyes with me right away, recognition washing over her. “Reed!” she squealed. Uhg, suddenly that near-mistake seems like a cliff-edge I had almost dove from. She reached up, and kissed my cheek as if we were familiar. Though, I suppose sadly, in some ways we were.
“Uh…yeah, hi,” I smiled softly, trying to find a balance between retreat and polite. Sean was sliding away from me now, to go join Trig, escaping my personal hell and sensing that things were about to go very far south.