Going Long (Waiting on the Sidelines)

by Ginger Scott

  Our dad let his words hang there in the air, the heaviness a suffocating blanket on the three of us. Dad took turns looking each of us in the eyes, his face hard, and heartbroken. Jason and I sat still, our eyes locked straight ahead, not ready to acknowledge one another. When it almost became unbearable, Dad pushed off from the edge of the desk and reached for the door to leave us there alone. “You two take your time. Figure this shit out. When you’re done, we’ll have Christmas,” he said, closing the door behind him.

  Jason and I sat there in silence for minutes, careful not even to make a sound with our breathing. I was the first to break, turning my head slowly to look at him. And when I did, I saw the thin wet streaks left behind by the few tears he was unable to keep inside. Something had gone wrong in my brother’s life. I didn’t know what it was—maybe he’d seen more of my parents’ fights, maybe it was the end of his football career, and part of it was probably having my success constantly shoved in his face—whatever the trauma, it had left behind some heavy scars. But my Dad? Boy, he just went right in to cut them open. I hoped they’d heal better the second time.

  Suddenly feeling guilty, I nudged my brother’s arm with my own. “Sorry for the sucker punch,” I said, also a little proud of how hard I’d fought him. He was still my big brother, after all. He chuckled a little and rubbed his jaw.

  “You nailed me,” he said, still not ready to look me in the eye. He looked down, and we were quiet for what felt like a full minute. “I deserved it.”

  Knowing the best thing I could do at this point was to leave my brother alone, I stood to my feet and patted his shoulder with my hand. “Yeah, you did. But I’m still sorry,” I said, then I left him there with his thoughts.

  Nolan helped me clean up the scratches and cuts on my face in the bathroom upstairs, never asking for details. I was pretty sure she’d heard more than I wanted her to, but she didn’t seem fazed by any of it. By the time we made it downstairs, Jason had left my father’s office and was now sitting outside on the back patio alone. A few of my father’s friends joined him as the afternoon wore on, and by evening, he was talking and smiling again. But I had a feeling he was still chewing on my father’s message, and I could tell it had affected him, saddened him. And it made me sad, too.

  Dad got a fire going as the sun set, and everyone had finally gathered on the sofas, chairs, and floor in the living room. It was gift exchange time—Dad’s tradition was always that everyone brings a gift fit for anyone in the room, and we all take turns picking and stealing, sort of like a white elephant gift party, but with things you’d actually want. Last year I ended up with a hundred bucks.

  Before we started drawing numbers, Rosie walked around and handed everyone a glass of champagne. I gave her a funny look when she handed a glass to Nolan and me, and she just smiled, and told me to wait to drink it. “Your father wants to make a toast,” she said, moving on to serve the rest of the guests. Nolan and I just shrugged at each other and leaned back into the sofa to wait for everyone else.

  Dad cleared his throat when everyone had been served, somehow able to make a noise loud enough to quiet the entire room. “I know, I know. Buck wants to talk more, you’re all rolling your eyes,” my dad joked, and everyone chuckled fondly. My dad could be long-winded when he wanted to be. “I promise, though, I’ll keep this short. I have some important things to say on this day. A day that has always been about family to me,” my dad turned to look at Jason, and then to me, raising his glass a little.

  “You see? I’m a blessed man. I have had wonderful success in life, yes,” he said, turning with his arms out, acknowledging the giant house we were all sitting in. “But I think we can all agree…it’s family that makes everything worth anything on this earth. Family. Jason? Reed? I love you both more than the air I breathe. You two are my life and soul, and the most important things I’ve ever done. And you have always loved your old dad, no matter how much of a pain in the ass I might be. Whether I’m riding your ass about throwing the ball with more speed to get more distance…or nagging you about meeting with the lawyers to close the deal on our latest dealership—you just smile, and nod, and do these crazy things I ask because you love me, and you trust me. And I can’t tell you how much that means to your old man,” my dad was getting a little choked up, so he took a small sip of his drink, raising his glass a little and laughing. “Ha, that’s good stuff. Almost done, I swear.”

  “Well, I’m asking you both to trust me…just one more time. You see, I’ve gone and done something a little crazy. But it’s really all about family, so I’m hoping you’ll be okay with it when I tell you,” I looked at Jason as my father spoke, and we both made eye contact, shrugging, and wondering where the hell our dad was going with all of this. “Well…I guess that’s enough beating around the bush. Rosie and I are getting married.”

  The room erupted in clapping, hoots and hollering, as everyone stood at once and collapsed on Rosie and my father, hugging them and congratulating them on their news. Nolan looked at me, her eyes wide with shock. “Did you know about this?” she asked.

  “Not a clue!” I said, my own eyes unable to blink, but a smile stretching my face. My father started tapping on the side of his glass, getting everyone’s attention again.

  “Hold on, hold on everyone. We’re not going anywhere. You can tackle us in a few minutes,” Dad laughed, his full bellied laugh, the kind he did when he was truly happy. “Reed? Jason? I hope you two are okay with this. I wanted to talk to you about it first, but it just never seemed to be the right time…and well…Rosie, she’s always been family. And over the last few years, what started as a beautiful friendship, became the deepest love of my life,” my dad said, turning to Rosie and grabbing her hand with his, squeezing it and bringing it to his lips to kiss it. “When it’s right. It’s just right.”

  My dad had been married four times in his life, the three women after my mom each only sticking around for less than a year. But I knew this one was it—the one that would last. It felt right, just like my dad said. And as Nolan and I talked about it, while everyone took their turns congratulating my father and Rosie, we realized we’d been pretty blind to their romance.

  By the end of the evening, my dad finally made his way over to us, and I smiled when Nolan embraced him, and then Rosie. She loved them as much as I did. “So? What do you think?” my dad asked, reaching for Rosie’s hand and showing us the ring.

  I just smiled at him, and shook his hand before he pulled me in for a full embrace. “You did good, Dad. Real good,” I said, noticing Jason standing behind, for once a genuine smile on his face, too.

  “Yeah, you did good, Dad,” Jason said as my dad turned around to hug him, too.

  Chapter 14

  Nolan

  The drama of Christmas Eve had exhausted me, and I was actually looking forward to the low-key traditional Christmas we always spent with my grandparents. My parents and I left early Christmas morning to spend the day with them, arriving just in time for Gran’s big breakfast. She made the most amazing French toast with bacon and eggs that always seemed like they came straight from a farm.

  I slept a little in the car on our way. I had stayed up late with Reed, waiting for Christmas to arrive. We sat outside and watched the stars by the outdoor fireplace. We saw a shooting star, and both vowed to make wishes with our eyes closed. We kept them secret to seal them, make sure they’d come true. I knew it was a silly myth, but I was so happy in this moment, I was willing to grab onto any legend or mysticism with both hands just to wish it mine for keeps. I squeezed my eyes shut and whispered in my head for everything to work out for Reed and me, my wish mostly a direct assault on my enormous fear that as soon as Reed signed his name to a contract for an NFL team in the next few months that he’ll be lost to me forever.

  My dreams were scattered and brief, and they continued throughout the car ride to my grandparents. I seemed to be replaying Reed’s fight with Jason, mostly hearing the harsh words his brother had said. A
wake it was easy to rationalize everything. It wasn’t me. I could be any girl, and Jason wouldn’t be kind. He would threaten anything good in Reed’s life because he was jealous. It made me curious about the pictures I’d seen of the two of them as smaller boys, Reed the little boy under Jason’s wing. Year’s ago Jason had a look in his eye that he’d fight to the death to protect his little brother. Somewhere along the way, though, that look had been replaced by envy.

  My parents seemed to have been spared the verbal assaults of the fight, only witnessing the two Johnson boys pummeling each other in Buck’s driveway. My mom worried about Reed during our drive, and I felt relief that she was on Reed’s side without even questioning it.

  As the morning wore on, I was able to relax more, almost letting go of all of my stress. My brother Mike joined us before too long, and we were finally able to exchange gifts. Our holiday was a lot different from the one at the Johnson house, just the six of us sitting on my grandparents’ living room floor, and sliding mismatched wrapped boxes to one another filled with sweaters and homemade items. My grandmother had knitted me a scarf and a hat in ASU colors. Grandpa gave me his old pool stick, which of course led to a few rounds at the table. I was actually able to beat him from time-to-time, which I think made him proud.

  My parents had given me a few ASU things, and each time I opened a box I felt a twinge of guilt about my dismal grades, and the fact that I could be in my last semester at ASU, flunking out and going down in fiery academic flames. My stress was once again picking up, when I felt a buzz on my phone and pulled it out to find a text from Reed.

  Hey. So…my mom wants you to come over for dinner if you’re able. Do you think your parents would mind if I drove you home later?

  I stared at the text for a bit, and then put the phone back in my pocket so I could dissect the message in my head. Why would Millie want me to join them? I was embarrassed by my reaction, always assuming the worst, like it was some sort of trick. I had to remind myself constantly that Millie was an adult. True, she was cold and lacked empathy, but she wasn’t calculating ways to attack me. I must have been making a strange face because my mom became suspicious and finally came to sit next to me on the sofa.

  “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” she asked, leaning into me a little and whispering her words to keep our conversation among us girls.

  “Nothing’s wrong,” I started, pulling my phone out again and looking at the screen a bit while I sucked in my top lip. “It was Reed. He…wants to know if I can join him at his mom’s for dinner. But…I don’t know.”

  I just looked down, shrugging a bit. I was caught in such a weird place. Part of me wanted to run to Reed just to be with him more, while I had him. But there was this other part of me that was terrified of how Millie would probably make me feel, and I didn’t know if I wanted to feel like that on Christmas.

  “You know you can go if you want to, right? You won’t hurt our feelings, sweetie, if that’s what you’re worried about,” my mom said, reaching around my shoulder and pulling me in for a squeeze.

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said, thinking more. “I just hate to miss out here, though, you know?”

  “Oh, you’re not missing out. Your dad will doze off in the chair in another hour while your grandmother and I will clean the kitchen top to bottom and sit on the porch gossiping about her neighbors and the ladies I work with. Mike is going to speed out of here the second you leave to get back to his girlfriend, and you already made grandpa’s day at the pool table.”

  I just smiled at her, still considering, and uneasy about going. “I’m really going to miss him,” I said, admitting out loud for the first time ever my fears over Reed to my mom. She just looked at me puzzled, not sure what I was talking about. “Reed’s…well, he’s probably going to get drafted this year. He could go anywhere, really. And I’ll be stuck here, in college.” I threw in the college part not wanting to let on my fear that I’d, in fact, be stuck in the literal here, back at home, going to some junior college without hope of ever becoming anything.

  My mom was quiet, her eyes falling now to show her understanding. She smiled softly and patted my hands. “Honey, that boy loves you. He loves you like nothing I’ve ever seen. If that’s what you’re worried about, well, let me just put a stop to that for you right here and now,” she was giving me her best pep talk. And it might work if I didn’t think that she was just doing her duty. I appreciated it nonetheless.

  “Thanks,” I just smiled back. I took a deep breath and resolved myself to make the most of the moment. I texted Reed that I’d love to join them, and then held my breath, waiting for him to write back. He finally did, saying that he’d pick me up in an hour, which meant I had an hour left to pretend I didn’t have any worries in the world. I found my grandpa and challenged him to a few more rounds of nine ball, escaping my problems for a little while longer.

  Reed hugged everyone in my family when he came to pick me up, even Mike. My family adored him—even my grandpa, who was truly a tough emotional nut to crack. Seeing how they all took Reed in made me feel proud of my family. We were simple and we didn’t have fancy parties or give expensive gifts, but we loved with our whole hearts and without reservations or prejudice.

  Millie’s house was only 30 minutes or so away from my grandparents, so the ride was quick. I told Reed about the things my family had given me, and even put on my new knitted hat, which was a bit too tight, but I’d never let my grandmother know. When we pulled into the driveway, my breath caught, causing Reed to reach over and squeeze my hand. He knew how little I enjoyed being in Millie’s company.

  When he came around to help me from the Jeep, he stopped me in front of the door, holding both of my hands. “I think my mom is trying,” he said, looking me in the eyes. It was strange for him to admit, even in this small way, to the way his mother treated me. And having him understand actually meant more to me than Millie being nice. I leaned forward and kissed him softly.

  “Thank you,” I said, my words more for him, than his mother.

  He took my hand, and we walked up the drive through her enormous front door. I followed Reed through the foyer, to the large sitting room. I noticed Dylan and Jason sitting outside on the patio through the large wall of windows. I didn’t think Dylan would be here, given what Jason had said during his fight with Reed yesterday, so I was surprised to see them holding hands and looking at each other across the table.

  I just pointed at them and nudged Reed. “What’s up with that?” I asked.

  “Hmmmmm, well…Jason’s trying, too,” he said, his face forming a hard smile, and his brow heavy.

  As we approached the patio door, I watched Dylan and Jason stand to talk with Sam and Millie, and the way Millie grabbed Dylan’s hand and kissed her cheek like she was her own daughter had me swallowing hard on my own pride. That’s all I wanted. It made me sick to admit it, but I’d give anything for Reed’s mother to show me just half of the acceptance and affection she did Dylan.

  I found myself suddenly wishing for super powers—invisibility, flight, time-freezing. Anything that would get me out of this place right here and now would be fine by me. I was smiling a little at my thoughts, when Millie’s curt greeting jostled me to attention. “Nolan, dear. So good to see you,” she said, leaning into me awkwardly to kiss at the air next to my cheeks. I froze at her movement and bunched my forehead, stepping back a little, almost embarrassed for her.

  “Uh, yeah…thanks for having me over?” I still wasn’t convinced my presence here was her idea.

  “Of course. Nolan, you know Dylan, right?” she said, introducing us, her smile brighter as she touched Dylan’s shoulder. It disgusted me.

  “Yeah, we’ve met,” I nodded, more uneasy than I was just seconds ago.

  “Oh…” Millie said, looking around for something else to say. When she couldn’t come up with anything, she just turned to Sam and started talking. That was it, my warm embrace by this part of Reed’s family. Yeah, she was trying.

&
nbsp; Dinner was stilted and awkward. Sam, thankfully, filled the silence with hunting stories. And despite my complete and utter disdain for the sport, if you could even call it that, I listened intently, hanging on every word. Reed kept hold of my hand under the table, even while we ate; I giggled the few times he dropped food from his fork with his left hand. For such a gifted athlete, he was shit with his left hand. Thank God, his right one healed after the accident.

  We all headed to the sitting room for coffee after dinner, a tradition that seemed so bizarre to me. I didn’t really like coffee, but I was just happy to not have been insulted over the last hour, so I sat there and gripped my cup, taking tiny sips of my drink that I loaded with cream and sugar just to choke it down.

  Dylan and Reed were talking about Reed’s upcoming press conference, and I was trying to put all of my focus on that when I felt Millie’s polished nails tap at my shoulder, almost like a chicken’s beak. I looked up at her, a bit bothered and I think she was surprised by my boldness. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she said, pulling her hands back together and folding them in front of her. “I was just wondering, if I might borrow you, just for a moment,” she asked, holding her hand out to point toward the door.

  I looked at Reed, who was still involved with Dylan, and then looked back to Millie, whose face was growing full of impatience. Remembering Reed’s words, that his mom was trying, I filled my lungs and calmed my nerves. I smiled up at her and stood to follow her from the room, looking back once more to catch Reed’s attention. His eyes were wide, and I just shook my head for him not to worry, shrugging a little to acknowledge how strange this was.