When the Winter Winds Blow

by E J Darling

Lexie turned around but no one was there. She ran back out the door but all she saw was white snow and a trail of prints leading into the deep wild woods. The body that lay in front of the door was gone, and Lexie held back her sob for as long as she could. Declan was gone, and she wasn’t sure when he would come back. If he would come back.

  She fell to her knees and cried. She cried as hard as she wanted, because she was alone just like she had been five days ago and that hit her harder than she cared to admit. This was going to be the hardest thing she would ever have to endure.

  But she wasn’t going to leave him. She was going to stay right here until she found a way to get him back. He wasn’t lost until he was dead.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Week One

  It had been six days since the bear had been birthed inside her. Declan came back two days ago but he kept his distance. He wouldn’t come past the tree line and it didn’t matter what she did or say to bring him back. But she wasn’t giving up. There was enough food in the cabin to last her through the next year and if that was what it took then she was ready. Declan was alive and breathing and that was what mattered right now.

  Every time she caught a glimpse of him was another moment of hope. He hadn’t abandoned her. He hadn’t left the area and ran to be free from her. His bear was broken, that was certain, and there was a ton of shit he was going to have to work out on his own.

  Lexie sat on the fallen tree in front of the cabin, every evening, for as long as she could stand the cold, which was longer now since the bear within fueled her with fire and heat. She’d shifted on her own three times this week and each time had gotten easier on her body. But she was still new, all of it was, and she was having to learn it as she went, because even in that form, Declan was distant. But his bear called to her own. They were bonded in a way she couldn’t explain yet, but it was there. He’d created the beast inside her, claimed her as his own, and she couldn’t go home now if she wanted to. And she didn’t.

  There was nothing left for her there but a job and a couple friends. Neither of which held any weight in heart anymore. Her body and mind belonged to Declan’s mountain and this cabin.

  Lexie looked at the clock and took a deep breath. She’d put on her boots and heavy coat and readied herself to leave the cabin. It was going to be a long journey to her rented cabin on foot, but she could make it now. She may not know anything about being a bear shifter, but she did know her body, and it was ready. She was stronger now. Her muscles didn’t tire as easily and the injuries she’d sustained from the accident didn’t ache anymore. It was amazing how good it felt to be whole again, to share her body with a fighter.

  She needed to make it there and back in knee-deep snow and hoped it didn’t take her too long. She wanted to get back here as soon as she possibly could. Lexie needed to keep eyes on Declan, and she feared that if he knew she was gone, then he wouldn’t come back again. That was the only concern on her mind, but she needed to get her phone and some of her belongings if she was going to be here for a while. She didn’t need her co-workers calling the police because she didn’t turn up at work or answer her phone.

  The snow was deeper in some parts, and the trek had been more daunting than she originally hoped it would be. But it wasn’t all that bad. Declan was tracking her. She’d caught his scent not long ago and thanked her newfound abilities. She could almost hear his footsteps crunching the snow under his feet. Lexie wouldn’t look back though. She’d just let him watch her, look out for her, and let him be. If she wanted to win the bear over, it wouldn’t be by running him off.

  Lexie made it to the cabin in a couple of hours. Declan had trailed off about half an hour ago when he probably realized where she was going so she needed to hurry this up make her way back.

  The cabin was freezing, and she was happy she hadn’t burned the place down by not keeping an eye on the fireplace, but it had gone out days ago. Everything was where she left it, and she breathed in a sigh of relief when her keys still sat on the counter where she’d left them.

  Lexie filled her water bottle and grabbed her stuff and put it in her truck, until nothing was left in the cabin that belonged to her. She didn’t know how far she’d get in the beat up pickup, but she needed to get it off the property and call the owner to let him know she’s left early. Maybe she’d get some of her deposit back, but she doubted it.

  She slid the key into the ignition and the engine roared to life. She found her phone right where she’d left it and turned it on. After a few minutes, the thing started blowing up, trying to catch up with all the messages that had come in while it was off. Mostly just people wishing her a Merry Christmas and hoping she was enjoying her vacation. Thankfully none of them sounded frantic or concerned about her wellbeing.

  Lexie laughed to herself, “If only they knew.”

  She found the number for the office she worked at and dialed the number. It wasn’t going to be an easy call, but it had to happen. She had plenty of money in savings from the accident and she was going to be fine. Everything was going to work out however it was designed to and there was no way you could fight fate. She wasn’t leaving these mountains, though, so her boss was just going to have to accept it.

  Week Two

  It had been two weeks since the last battle with the wolves. Two weeks since she began her journey with her bear. Two weeks since Declan had left.

  The times between spotting Declan were getting further apart. The bear inside her had begun its whispers and firewood was getting critically low. But not all was lost. Her strength was at an all-time high and she easily split the wood on her own.

  He’s out there. He’s watching us. He isn’t gone forever.

  There was still plenty of food and water and she was still able to take hot showers that she wished she’d find Declan sneaking into with her like he used to do. It was getting hard having no physical contact and it was almost like she needed it, craved it, or the bear did.

  The bear. She needed Declan. She called for him during her shifts, which were becoming easier and easier. She surprised even herself with the new animal inside of her. Her body had a mind of its own but listened to her and her it. If she felt the need to shift, she did. There was no fighting it anymore, or her body not wanting to break and change.

  Lexie sat on the fallen log and looked out into the dense wood. If she strained her eyes, she could catch a glimpse of Declan every once in a while, but it could be her eyes playing tricks on her. She wanted to see him, so she did, and that was the hardest part of hope. It could play tricks on you when you least expect it.

  No, he’s out there. I can sense him. I can smell him. He’s so close.

  Her bear was having a harder time than she was. Her creator, her maker, was gone, and she couldn’t touch him. She was lying though. Declan wasn’t close. He was gone, and in more ways than just one, and she wished she’d been enough to keep him here. She was enough in the beginning, when he was stronger and he hadn’t witnessed his past come to haunt him, but she wasn’t now. He needed something more to bring him back, but she couldn’t think of a single thing that would. She could walk out into the snow, buck naked, and he’d walk away. She wasn’t enough, but she’d find something that was.

  “Tragic.” She whispered to herself.

  Declan had said that her once, when he’d talked about the book she’d been reading. He couldn’t have been more right. Two lovers destined to be apart through space and time. The thought of each other the only thing keeping them company through the cold winter nights. She needed touch. She needed to touch Declan and she wanted to be held tight against him. She wanted his thick beard to redden her lips after too many kisses and she wanted his body keeping her warm at night.

  Week Three

  “No. No, no, no.” Lexie sat in the floor of the bathroom and rocked back and forth, her head between her hands. She’d been so stupid. Why had she not counted the days, kept up with time? Why hadn’t she been smarter?

  Two days ag
o, after waking up and doing her morning routine of coffee and long sitting, she’d opened up the door to find a full dead deer lying just off the front step. There was no sign of Declan and hadn’t been in days but, he’d brought her a gift?

  The poor thing had been mauled to death and it was obviously by a large animal, but she doubted a random animal would give up their dinner so easily. It had to be Declan.

  He’s coming back. He’s saying sorry. Let’s take it and eat it.

  She’d never killed a live animal before and she’d definitely never skinned one before, but she wasn’t completely inept. Lexie had grabbed her phone and searched how to clean a dear. The video had been more than helpful, and she’d gotten it strung up in a tree easily. That wasn’t the problem. The problem came when she’d stuck Declan’s blade in the deer’s belly and slid it down to the ribcage. The guts had poured out of the poor animal and she hadn’t been able to handle it after that. She’d turned around and threw up her breakfast.

  That should have been the first sign.

  Now she was sitting in the floor of the bathroom, alone and scared, counting down the weeks since her last period. But she knew the truth and there was no reason to think otherwise. They’d had sex, great amazing sex, and they’d been careless and out of their mind in lust. Now, she was pregnant, and Declan was gone. Lost to the world and to these mountains.

  He’s still here. He’s still watching.

  “Shut up!” Lexie screamed at no one. Her bear was going crazy, filling her mind with wishful thinking and lies. So many lies. Declan wasn’t here. If he was here, he’d been in the floor of this bathroom with her and telling her everything was going to be okay. He’d tell her he loved her and that he was happy. He was supposed to tell her he’d never been more excited to be a father. But he wasn’t. He was a bear, wandering and lost, alone and cold, just like her.

  Week Four

  Lexie hadn’t seen a single person for an entire month. Her mind was cloudy, and she wondered how Declan had done it for so long. He was stronger than her, that was obvious, but to be alone for so long with no one to talk to sounded worse with each passing day. No wonder Declan was out there wandering the woods, lost out of his mind.

  The log outside was starting to look grimmer with each passing day. Some days she wouldn’t even step foot outside the cabin for fear of disappointment. If she stayed inside, she knew she wouldn’t see him, and the fear was gone. If she sat out there, hope would grab hold, and she’d sit out there until the sun went down over the Rockies, never moving. No food, no water.

  She had something else to care for now. Lexie touched her flat stomach and closed her eyes. She’d had an entire week to deal with the information and was coming to grips with it. It could be wonderful. It would be wonderful. Whether Declan was here to watch her stomach grow or not, it would be wonderful.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  March

  The weather was getting warmer and the harsh winter winds had been replaced with slight cool breezes. Lush green blades of grass peaked through the melting snow and Lexie could feel new and exciting things coming her way.

  Her belly was now slightly distended, but the nausea had gone away weeks ago and she felt stronger every day that passed. Today was the day. Today was the day she told Declan. She wasn’t sure if he would understand or if he would run but it had to happen. He needed to know. She’d kept the secret long enough and she’d pumped herself up for it.

  Was she excited? She hadn’t felt this way in so long and she didn’t know if the butterflies in her belly were nerves, or the slight twinge of baby kicks. Either way, she was ready, and she was finally happy.

  Lexie stepped out of the cabin and looked out into the trees growing fresh new leaves. She knew where Declan liked to roam, and she had her map. She hadn’t seen him in a few days, but he’d be there. He had to be.

  The trek was easier now that the snow was melting away and she’d made it to the river where she needed to walk north from, slightly up the mountain, then she’d find his den.

  “A fucking den.” She cursed. He’d rather sleep in a fucking den than with her in their bed, holding her stomach and feeling the kicks as they came. Lexie was pissed but she couldn’t let it get to her now. She had a mission.

  The river was melting, and soon all the ice would give way to summer and she couldn’t wait to get her toes wet in the water and drown her sorrows away. “Or just drown.” She joked.

  A grunting noise came from behind, startling her, and she dropped her map. It was Declan. He was so close she could almost touch him. Almost. He kept his distance but sniffed at her, grunting again.

  “I need to tell you something.” Her nerves were shot but this was the only time she was going to have to tell him. He needed to know, and she wasn’t about to hold it in anymore. “Can I come closer?”

  Lexie took a step forward and Declan swayed back and forth like a caged animal in the zoo. Even without words, he was good at getting his point across. He was nervous but he was staying put and that was a good sign for now. A few more steps and Lexie reached her arm out to touch him. Her fingertips touched his coarse fur and she melted into the snow beneath her. She closed her eyes, trying to sear this memory into her mind before it was over.

  Finally, Lexie opened her eyes and brought her hand back, “Declan I love you. It’s been really hard since you left. I know I’m not enough to bring you back anymore, but I think I found something that might be.” Tears flowed freely down her cheeks and Lexie pulled the hem on her shirt up, showing Declan her slightly distended belly. “There’s a baby in here. You’re going to be a father, but you have to come back to me, Declan. Come home, please.” She did everything she could to keep from sobbing, but it was impossible. She’d finally got to touch Declan and tell him he was going to be a father. But he was still pacing, not looking at or her stomach.

  Begging wasn’t going to help this situation. She’d begged and pleaded for months now and it never did anything. It never once made him change his mind.

  Lexie dried up her tears and straightened up her back. The only thing that had ever worked on Declan was strength and she had plenty of that right now. She wanted to hit something. She wasn’t to tear something apart so badly she could feel her teeth elongating painfully in her mouth. She may be pregnant, but she wasn’t weak. “Fuck this.” Her voice came out harsh and it hurt to push sound past her vocal cords. She was ready for this.

  Lexie took her clothes off in a hurry, not wanting to be naked after she shifted back, and threw them in the melting snow. Declan roared, knowing exactly what she was doing. She hadn’t done this yet. She hadn’t laid a single hand on him since he left, but today was the fucking day. He was the one who birthed this beast inside her. He’d left her alone for months now. He’d gotten her pregnant, and now he was ripping her heart out again. But it was the last time. This was where she took back her strength. This is where she released all her anger on the one thing that could kick her ass but also the one thing that was big enough to take it.

  In a heartbeat, her bear was free, and she was pissed. Declan paced back and forth, rumbling and roaring at her to stop, but she wasn’t going to until she got all of this out of her system. Lexie charged, and jumped on Declan’s back. He tossed his body to the side and threw her off him and backed away. She got her feet and roared at him before charging again. She slashed at him with her claws, drawing blood from every gash. Her teeth sunk into his flesh and she tasted the iron that coated her mouth. But he didn’t fight back. She didn’t care. This was about her anger. Her vengeance. Every drop of blood that coated the melting snow was going to be one more attempt to make them even. If he didn’t want to fight back that was on him but she wouldn’t stop until she felt better. Until she hurt him as badly as he hurt her.

  Every swipe of her claws, every bite of her teeth, released more and more anger. But she wasn’t feeling better. One more deep gash to his side and Declan fell to the ground. She panted hard and roared out her fr
ustration until it turned into a scream and she was back in her skin. She screamed again and cursed.

  “Fuck you, Declan Thomas!” She panted hard and tried to catch her breath, “I don’t give a shit if I’m not enough for you anymore, but seeing you still not able to come back after seeing this,” Lexie held her tiny stomach and cried, “proves to me that you’ll never come back.” Lexie picked up her clothes and began to dress. Covering up every single bit of herself from his view. He didn’t deserve it anymore. “The Declan that I love is gone. The Declan that loved me is gone. And I’m trapped on this mountain with him until my last dying breath because no matter how much I wish I could move on, I can’t. Do you remember what the last thing you said to me was?”

  Declan didn’t move. He just laid there as his injuries healed and blood drenched the ground.

  “You said, ‘I love you Alexis Porter. Remember that when I’m gone.’ And how the hell could I not when a piece of you grows inside me?” her voice was breaking through her tears and it was then she realized something.

  Lexie walked over to where Declan lay and sat down beside him, holding his head in her hands. He was so warm. Just the feel of him this close had her stomach in butterflies. She scooted closer until his head rested in her lap and his ear was on her belly. Lexie knew he wouldn’t be able to feel the tiny flutters this early on, but he could hear. He could hear the tiny heartbeat that was so strong she could almost hear it herself when the cabin was quiet enough. When everything was calm and the only thing she had to worry about was the two of them.

  “You’re the love of my life, Declan. You gave me the very best part of you before you had to leave. You knew you were sick. I knew you were sick. But I will love this baby because I’m not sick. And maybe one day, when he’s playing in the woods, you can show him how to be a strong bear. You can show him what being a man is all about. And I can show him what love is, and what family really means.” She wiped her tears with her sleeve and leaned down to kiss Declan’s head. “It means loving through every obstacle. It means staying even if nothing works out like you planned. It means loving a bear because he loved you when he couldn’t love himself. I love you, Declan, and I’ll be here until my last dying breath. Stuck on this mountain with you doesn’t sound so bad anymore.”