Truly Madly Deeply: Volumes 1-4

by Brenda Pandos

  I wrinkled up my brow. “How?”

  “For starters, you shouldn’t be around when you’re off the clock. Make him wonder what you’re up to.”

  I chuckle. “That’s the problem. I’m up to nothing. I’m dying.”

  “It’s just for a week.”

  “Yeah, well… it feels like forever.”

  “He needs to miss you.”

  “Oh, like that’ll ever happen,” I say, thinking specifically about how it may have looked when we drenched Kat before she walked the plank.

  “He wouldn’t be avoiding you, if he wasn’t torn. I know these things.”

  Waiting in the wings is such a pathetic place to be, and hypocritical. I want Logan to come to his senses and choose me because he loves me, after he breaks things off with Kat, of course.

  “Or he just hates me.”

  “He doesn’t hate you.”

  “He’s avoiding me like the plague,” I say.

  Syd sighs. “What you need is some Goldschläger.”

  “What I need is someone who treats me right.”

  “Well, that, too.”

  My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out.

  Unknown: I miss you

  My heart thuds hard for a second. It’s like Gage has ESP, and knows when I’m at my lowest, and at this point it would be so easy to let him back in. I should block the number, but hearing he misses me feels good. At least someone does.

  The doors of the auditorium open, and the counselors disburse into the night. Logan runs past with Kat following closely behind, giggling. His eyes drift over to me for a brief second, and the smile melts from his lips. I can’t look away. I want him to see this hurts me. He returns his attention to Kat, and within seconds, they’re gone. Off to make-out in the woods, I’m assuming. My heart twists.

  “Do you have any Goldschläger?”

  “No,” she says with a wicked grin. “But I know where I can score some.”

  I nod. “Okay, good. I’m going to need it after tonight.”

  ~|~

  Drinking the night prior has left a dull headache behind my temples. I lug my laundry basket through the counselor lounge doors hoping to find a free washing machine since everyone’s spending the day at the beach.

  “Maddy.” Dirk pops up from the couch with his phone in his hand. “Just the person I want to see.”

  Behind him sits Kat on the couch with a girl camper who’s crying.

  “Me?”

  “Yes.” He comes alongside and pulls me to the opposite corner. “I have a huge favor to ask.” The girl sniffles behind us, and I know where this is going. “Kat can’t go to the beach with the rest of her campers. Can you fill in for her?”

  I blink at him in shock. “I thought I wasn’t experienced enough.”

  He lets out a low sigh. “I think you can handle this.” When I don’t answer right away, he shifts his weight. “I’ll work any breakfast shift you want. I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t need your help.”

  More like desperate, I want to say.

  Temptation to say “no” rocks me, but it isn’t satisfying to watch him grovel. The girl’s sniffles pry down my defenses further.

  “Yeah, sure,” I say.

  His shoulders sag in relief. “You’re wonderful. Thank you.” Dirk texts someone on his phone. “There is one last van waiting for you at the loading zone. Please hurry.”

  I run back to my cabin to deposit my laundry basket and change into my suit super quick, then head over to the loading zone. In the mix, I text Syd to tell her our sunbathing party at the lake is cancelled for the day.

  Chatter from the kids filters out of the cracked tinted windows. The last time I’d ridden in the van was when Dirk had found me stranded on the freeway. I open the passenger door, and my eyes meet Logan’s. My stomach nearly gives way.

  “Oh, hey,” I say, my throat suddenly thick. “I’m filling in for Kat.”

  He works his jaw, then peers into the rear view mirror at his passengers. “You guys ready to go?”

  I slide into the seat and buckle up. The kids behind us resound with a loud “yes.” Logan puts the van into drive.

  I play with my nails. The last time we talked he accused me of having feelings for him (like I had any control over the matter), and I have no clue where we stand. “So, I guess one of the campers is—”

  “Not here,” Logan says curtly.

  I clamp my mouth shut, and stare out the window, embarrassed at my lack of judgment. As each wordless minute passes, I feel even more stupid and want to say something, but I’m not sure what.

  Questions to ask him filter through my mind, like about his kids or how things are with Kat, but neither are appropriate to ask in front of the campers. And of course, he can’t just be polite and make small talk with me.

  The minutes drone on slowly.

  One of the girl campers leans forward. “How long are we going to be at the beach?”

  “Oh, until around 4,” Logan says.

  “Cool. Did someone bring a volleyball?”

  “Yeah,” he answers.

  “That’ll be fun,” I say in response. “I need to brush up on my spike. It’s been a while.”

  The girl eyes me like I just burped in her face, then sits back, tittering and giggling with her friends. I’m hoping she isn’t one of Kat’s campers.

  Logan stares ahead at the road. Apparently, I’m invisible. To keep from tearing up, I bite down hard on my lip. How ridiculous to treat me like a freaking pariah when all I did was respond to his mixed signals. My heart starts to pound, and I want to get out of the van before I lose it.

  Eventually, we weave through town traffic and pull up to the beach.

  The kids pile out, and once the van is empty, I turn to Logan. I can’t let this go. “So this is your definition of friendship, huh?”

  Though I can’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses, by the way his cheeks stain red, I know I’ve hit a nerve.

  His lips thin. “I can’t do this now, Madison.”

  I shake my head as the urge to call him a douche winds through me. Why I’m insisting he explain himself is fruitless. He’ll have some lame ass excuse for how he’s treating me. I’m beginning to see a trend. He thinks he’s a better man than Gage, but he’s woven of the same cloth, just in denial about it.

  “Do what?” I smile at myself for questioning him like he’s done to me several times now.

  Someone honks behind us. “I need to park the van.”

  I fold my arms and stay planted in my seat. “Go right ahead.”

  “Maddy,” he huffs. “Please, you need to get out. It’s a long walk.”

  “Not until you tell me why you’re ignoring me.”

  “I’m not ignoring you.”

  “Seriously?” I laugh, and the person behind us passes the van, honking the entire way.

  “Fine.” He throws the van into drive, and turns left. The van chugs up the hill toward the parking lot. He circles around, and pulls into the last spot and kills the engine. “I’ve been busy working. I don’t have the same free time that I had when I was on rotation.”

  I suck in a deep breath and my hands shake. “Ever since Kat arrived, you’ve stopped talking to me. It’s like you’re guilty or something.”

  “Guilty?” He shakes his head, then chuckles like I’m being petty.

  I grab the edge of the seat, and ignore the insult. “You didn’t even have the common courtesy to tell me yourself that I’m not in the pool skit anymore.”

  He lets out a long sigh. “I didn’t have time to find you, and Dirk decided to switch things up at the last minute, not me.”

  “Did he ask you to stop talking to me, too?”

  “Maddy…”

  “I misjudged things and made a mistake,” I say slowly. “I didn’t think you’d stop being my friend because of it.”

  Well, actually I did, which I shouldn’t have been surprised about, but that didn’t mean he could get away with acting this way.<
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  “I’m trying to make it easier on you.”

  My mouth falls open as the words dig into me, humiliating me all over. The air in the van is suddenly stifling. I fumble for the handle, and yank the door open. I want to run, but I calmly get out.

  “Easier on me looks a lot like covering your ass,” I want to say, but don’t. Instead I walk toward the beach as fast as I can.

  I’m such a fool to think he ever cared or was warring with his feelings for me. Our relationship was one of convenience, and once I called him on it, he had to make it my fault.

  I hear his flip-flops crunch against the gravel behind me, but he isn’t in a hurry to catch up. The fact he’s twisted this around and blamed me is a punch to my gut. He knows for a fact he went too far. What a douche.

  My phone rings in my pocket. I pull it out and see my mother’s name on the screen. We hadn’t spoken since the Gage incident, and with her schedule and my cell service, I didn’t know when I’d be able to talk again.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  I act busy and linger on the road just as Logan walks past.

  “Madison,” Mom says in that half-drunk breathy way she often does when she’s worried. “Is that seagulls?”

  “Yeah.” I nonchalantly watch Logan’s brown head of hair disappear as he passes between two sand dunes. “I’m at the beach.”

  “Oh, really? That sounds fun.”

  “What’s up?”

  “How are you doing?”

  I assume her BFF told her already what’s happened with Gage, and who knows what else. After Dirk spilled way too much about my past, I don’t trust Marge. I won’t humiliate myself and retell the embarrassing story again.

  “I’m great, Mom. How are you and Hannah?”

  “Good. We moved. Our new place is small, but it’s closer to work.”

  At the mention of moving, I’m reminded how little time I have to find a job and a place to live by summer’s end. I still have hope that I can stay on and work the winter season as a last resort. “That’s good.”

  “How are things? Meet someone yet?”

  I hold my breath, and head down the sandy path. I can’t believe she expected me to move on so quickly. Instead of chewing her out, I’m nice. “Ah, you know me. I’m keeping my options open.”

  “Really?” she says. “I’m kind of embarrassed to admit, I stalked the camp website for photos. Your director is pretty hunky.”

  I snort-laugh. Who says hunky anymore? “He’s not exactly my type,” now or ever.

  “Well, your sister and I wanted to visit this weekend. Marge said we could stay with her. Are you free?”

  None of the counselors have made group plans yet, that I know of. “Yeah. I guess. But I don’t get a lot of free time,” I say just in case she decides to drink while she’s here, and I need a quick exit plan.

  “We won’t be in your hair too long. Hannah wants to go to the beach anyway.”

  I clear the sand dunes, and lick my lips, tasting the salt. The beach is covered with youth. “Well, I’ve heard there’s one around here somewhere, but I need to go.”

  I scan the crowd to see if I’m missed. Syd waves me over from a row of towels on the beach. What’s she doing here?

  “Sure, honey,” she says in that sappy way that doesn’t sound real. “I love you.”

  “Yeah, me too.” I quickly hang up before she exits Happyville and starts crying.

  I walk toward Syd as she trots in my direction. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was going to ask you the same thing,” she says. “Dirk gave me a big SOS text. Something about camper drama.”

  I sigh. “Me, too.” And it’s apparent he doesn’t trust me to be able to handle things on my own. “Where is he anyway?”

  Syd shrugs. “Who knows, but come on. I’ve met some of the girls, and they’re super great.”

  I wrap my arms around myself, chilled from more than just the wind. The girl in the van didn’t think I was all that great, but I follow anyway. Syd always manages to make the best of things, and I admired her for that.

  My gaze drifts to Logan, as he helps set up the volleyball net, and my stomach sinks. Why didn’t I let him have it?

  No one knows that behind my smile, my heart is slowly breaking and that I’d rather bury myself in a hole, than return to camp and endure another moment of Logan’s ice front.

  I just really hate my life.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The next day is the same as the last, and I do the balancing act between the till and my ice tea as I try to unlock the door to the snack shack. Oddly, it pushes open before I turn the key. A gasp escapes my lips as I canvas the floor. Empty boxes and wrappers cover the floor among the remnants of melted ice cream and sticky soda. The menu is hanging by one nail, partly broken, and cuss words are written across it. All of my pirate decorations I’d created are torn down and shredded.

  I brace myself against the wall, wanting to punch it. No matter what I do, I can’t catch a break.

  Syd pops her head in. “Ready for the… oh, shit! What happened?”

  “Your guess is as good as mine.” The kids start to line up outside and press their faces against the window. I stack some of the boxes on the counter to block their view of the disaster. “I need Dirk.”

  “Yeah. I’ll go get him.” Syd runs outside, and tells the kids that we won’t be opened for at least another hour.

  They all groan, and I quickly close the door to keep them from peeking inside. The less they know, the better for now, until we find the guilty parties. The light from the freezer spills out the opened door from the dark corner. I open it the rest of the way and squeeze the nearest package. It’s squishy.

  “Great!”

  At the knock at the door, I turn expecting Dirk. Logan stands in the doorway. A disheveled gangly teen stands next to him, head lowered.

  “Hey… uh. This isn’t a good time,” I start to say.

  Logan’s eyes sweep across the floor. He works his jaw, then drops a pillowcase full of candy on the floor. “I’m assuming that Bryce didn’t purchase all of this from you.”

  I close my gapping jaw. “Uh, not that I remember.”

  Logan pushes out a heavy breath, and I notice the bags under his eyes. He turns to Bryce. “So?”

  Bryce looks to the side. “I brought it from home.”

  “All of this? I don’t remember you having this yesterday.” Logan says. “Maybe we need to ask your mom.”

  “My dad bought it.”

  “Oh, okay. Then we’ll ask him.” Logan nods.

  “He’s out of the country.”

  A vein in Logan’s forehead bulges. “Well, you signed off that you read the rules.”

  “Yeah, so?” Bryce shuffles his feet against the sticky floor. “Can I go now?”

  “So, they state you’re supposed to leave candy at home.”

  “No one follows that stupid rule.”

  Logan’s shaking fist balls at his side. A vein bulges from his forehead.

  “Hey, uh…” I say before he can deck the kid. “Maybe the three of us should go find Dirk.”

  And as if on cue, Dirk appears in the doorway. “Syd said you needed—” He stops and stares at the mess on the floor.

  Logan turns to Dirk. “A pillowcase full of candy miraculously ended up in Bryce’s possession. I think we need to call his parents.”

  “What? No,” Bryce argues.

  “Bryce, seriously? You know the rules.” Dirk gives Logan a look, then drags Bryce out of the snack shack. “Take care of this, will you?”

  Once they’re gone, I half expect Logan to make an excuse and bolt. Instead, he sucks in a deep breath and shifts his weight. I’m still reeling from yesterday, and I can’t bear for him to tell me he’s sparing my feelings once more.

  “Yeah, well. I should go get a larger trash bag, I guess.”

  I try to pass him, but he stops me. His sad eyes find mine, and I shove my shaking hands into my pockets.

 
; “Wait. I need to talk to you.”

  He looks at me with tired eyes, and the real Logan, the guy I’ve spent the beginning of my summer with, stands before me, the one I fell for. And instead of being angry, I’m filled with empathy.

  The heat between us is palpable, and if he doesn’t feel it too, he’s either the best actor I’ve ever known, or he’s denying himself.

  “This isn’t how I wanted things to go,” he finally says, and turns to leave.

  “Did you have the kid with the broken arm, too?” I ask quickly.

  He stops and rests his hands on the top of the doorframe, leaning in like he’s going to collapse. “Yeah.”

  It takes all my self-control not to circle my arms around his waist and squeeze. Guilt for originally wishing he had a rough week swirls inside, and I want to take it back.

  I bite my lip, and move closer.

  Just turn around and hug me, Logan.

  His muscles stiffen. “I should have kept a better eye on my kids.”

  I hold my breath. I’ve wanted this breakthrough so badly, the relief physically hurts, but I’m scared to trust him, that he’ll turn into evil Logan and squish my heart.

  “How could you know they’d sneak out?”

  He turns. His eyes flick to mine. “I… it’s not just them that I’m apologizing for.”

  My breath comes out faster as I wait. I see the spark of tenderness in his eyes. I just want him to tell me what he’s thinking. “What?”

  “I do care for you, Maddy. Just know that. Okay?”

  I gulp down the lump in my throat, and though he’s saying it now, I can’t accept it to be true. The games have to stop. “It’s hard for me to believe you.”

  “I know.” He shakes his head. “I’ll be back.”

  He darts out, and I stand there like an idiot, unsure what to think. Then it hits me as I stare at the mess. Even in a crisis, he can’t fully level with me. In fact, he’s so panty whipped that he can’t even be alone in the same room with me. Does he think he can avoid me all summer? I cuss under my breath, and bend down to search through the cabinets for some cleaner. The stuff Logan bought stares me in the face.

  I stand up and walk over to get the mop. My flip-flops stick to the floor with each step.