Truly Madly Deeply: Volumes 1-4

by Brenda Pandos

  “This isn’t about that. And you know we’re just friends.”

  Friends… who kiss. Oh, crap.

  Everything comes back to me in a hot rush, and I reach for my phone in my pocket. My hand skims over the top of my thigh. My jeans aren’t on my body. Instead, they’re crumpled up in a ball on the floor. The shirt I’m wearing isn’t the one I had on yesterday, either. My cheeks heat. What happened last night?

  The clock above the mantel reads that it’s half past noon. I blow out a breath and lean against the couch back. The kids will be gone by now, so I need to clean up and take a shower. There’s a lot to do before my campers come Sunday afternoon. My upset stomach, though, doesn’t want me to go anywhere.

  Kat and Logan continue their terse conversation, but it sounds further away. I strain harder to hear, making my head pound. Then it’s quiet. Did they leave?

  I struggle to stand and escape to the bathroom. The world sways and the blanket falls to my feet. I stave off the urge to heave, and slowly sit back down and cover myself. Did Logan take off my clothes? Did I?

  The fog-induced nightmare slowly reveals itself. After the adrenaline had evaporated, the alcohol kicked in, and I was a hot mess. Then there was puking and crying and… oh good Lord, a memory of him taking my cheeks between his palms and asking me why I’d put myself in danger zings through me. I blurted out something about seeing him kissing Kat, or maybe I said the cheater had her tongue down his throat. Whatever I said, I can’t remember. My freaking mouth just needs to be sewn shut.

  Someone steps onto the porch and approaches the door. My heart zooms in response. My eyes slide shut just as the door opens softly, carrying Logan’s scent on the breeze. He sighs softly before shutting it, and I melt into the cushions, mortified. He’s watching me and I know he has to be disgusted. I hear him move about the room, then stop before me. I don’t dare open my eyes so I try to relax, but my heart pounds so hard I’m shaking.

  “What am I going to do with you?” he says quietly before he leaves.

  Once he’s gone, I let out the breath I’m holding.

  CHAPTER TWO

  “What do you think about this?” Syd holds up a package of black crepe paper with skulls on them.

  Although we’re inside the store, it’s still too bright to take off my sunglasses. I walk slowly behind her.

  “Perfect.”

  Syd gives me a once over and rolls her eyes. “After this, we’re getting you something greasy, like a burger and fries. You can’t let Dirk see you like this.”

  My stomach twists at the mention of food. “Tell me about it.”

  She grabs a poster board and some Sharpies. “So what were you doing at Devil’s Peak by yourself?”

  I bite my lip. “Drinking.”

  “Well, I know that. But alone? You knew there was a creep on the loose, geez.”

  “I know, I know.” I take a deep breath. “I walked in on Kat and Logan getting it on in his room, and I kind of just snapped.”

  Syd stops walking. Her lips round into an O. “Like having sex?”

  “No. Just making out… but…” I stop. She doesn’t need to know that I took a nap with him earlier that day, or I’ll just get another lecture. “I wanted to go somewhere alone where no one could see me. I got a little carried away.”

  “I’ll say.”

  I brace myself for an “I told you so,” but she doesn’t say anything and I’m grateful. “How was I to know that guy would be there?”

  Syd tears up and pulls me into a hug. “You’re so lucky Logan was there, I mean… what if?”

  I hug her back hard, thanking my lucky stars. We pull away once the other shoppers give us weird looks.

  “I did throw the bottle at the guy’s head.”

  Syd quirks a smile. “You’re a smart cookie.”

  “And, it earned me a night with Logan, though I don’t remember anything.”

  “A what?”

  I blow out a breath as the guilt sinks in. How can I celebrate this? What I did was horrible.

  “Well, he more like cleaned me up, but…” My eyes fall to my fingers as I pick at my cuticles. “I kissed him.”

  The basket slips down Syd’s arm and falls to the floor with a loud crash. “No effing way.”

  My lips curl into a smile, but I’m not happy about that fact. “Yeah. I was drunk and… you know.”

  “Who cares!” She lets out a squeal and does a jumpy dance, then she tries to get me to join.

  “Owww.” I hold my head, but I don’t feel like celebrating. She has no idea this is a confession. I’m an awful person.

  “This is huge.”

  “Yes, but that’s all it was.” Behind her, there’s a creepy guy glaring at me. For a second I see him and gasp.

  “What?” Syd turns around.

  I blink, and he’s gone. “It’s nothing.”

  She touches my arm in concern.

  I well up. “I just keep thinking of that, of what might have happened, and then what happened.” I pause for a moment. “I shouldn’t have done it.”

  “You can’t be mad at yourself.” Syd sobers and picks up the basket. “Well, you have a week.”

  “A week?”

  “To make an impression. He’s clearly confused. Look at you two.”

  I let out a long sigh. “He doesn’t want me.”

  Syd comes alongside me and puts her hand on my arm. “Sure he does. Trust me. Engaged or not, there’s trouble in paradise and I don’t give this engagement long, especially since you two have broken the kissing barrier, and he nursed you back to health.”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Mark my words. They’ll be over by summer’s end.”

  “But you said that about Kitty and Matt, and look at them.”

  I knew it was a stretch, considering Matt had been heartsick ever since Kitty left, to the point Dirk let him spend his rotation week with her just so he wouldn’t quit. I refused to get my hopes up. As far as I was concerned, I was just as awful as Allie and I deserved to be alone.

  “Listen. They fight a lot. They think they’re discreet, but we all know what’s going on. And the way she flirts with the other counselors, especially Dirk, it’s just wrong.”

  I swallow down the desire to tell Syd what I suspect about Dirk and Kat, but fear what she’d do with the knowledge. “Really?”

  “Yeah, well. How would you know? You’re not around them as much. Maybe next week you’ll see what I mean.”

  Next week. I frown. Why does she have to return? If the biotch incident didn’t make her hate me, this one will. Why can’t she just stay at her ritzy job and leave well enough alone?

  “Just be yourself.” Syd heads toward the register and puts the basket on the counter. “There’s something there. It’s like sparks between you two. Just be everything Kat isn’t and he’ll gravitate to you.”

  Like a drunk boyfriend-stealing floosy? Oh, yeah, that’s attractive. My heart races anyway, as I imagine her chewing me out.

  I pull out my short stack of dollar bills to pay for my stuff, what’s left of this week’s check, and my eye catches the paper in the bin by the check stand. A mug shot of the man who attacked me is on the front cover and I can barely breathe. The headline reads:

  Sex Offender Attacks Staff Member at Local Camp. Authorities on the Lookout for Marsden Brindle.

  My hands begin to shake.

  “Miss?” The checker’s hand is holding out the receipt to me.

  “Oh.” I take it, but I can’t scrub my attacker’s face out of my mind. He’s out there and he wants revenge. Who am I to think things will return to normal?

  “Come on, Maddy. Let’s go. We still have to move you into Camellia.”

  When I don’t move, she grabs my arm and pulls me out of the store.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Syd holds a spray of black and white crepe paper she’s taped together to hang on the ceiling of the cabin. “How’s this?”

  “Why don’t you stay with me?
” I blurt out.

  “What?”

  I shake my head and look away. “Never mind.”

  Exhausted from having absolutely no sleep last night, my hands shake from the double espresso. Will my campers notice how terrified I am when they arrive in an hour?

  Syd gets down and puts her hand on my shoulder.

  “You’ll do great. I promise. My kids loved you last week.”

  I smile and pretend that’s what I’m nervous about. “We better hurry up and finish.”

  My head throbs from my lack of sleep and caffeine induced high as I bend over to grab the last of the crepe paper, reminding me of how stupid I must have looked Friday night. Stupid and desperate. What did Logan think of me now?

  I hadn’t seen him since Saturday morning. Word is he’d gone home for the weekend with Kat. After everything, I wish he’d just stay there.

  Syd raises her left eyebrow at me. “What are you thinking about?”

  I blink at her. “Nothing.”

  Syd blows air between her lips. “He’s probably thinking about you, too, and how hot that kiss was.”

  My eyes widen. “No. He’s probably thinking what a hot mess I am.” I throw the ball of crepe paper at her. She snags it and tapes a strand to the corner.

  “Hot messes are what guys like. Just focus on your girls and let things happen on their own. Who knows? You may have another damsel in distress situation.”

  “Oh, like that’s what I want,” please, dear God, no.

  The bell gongs three times, signaling our staff meeting. My heart jumps in my throat.

  “Looks good. Don’t you think?” Syd stands back and admires her handy work.

  I glance around the room, at the pirate decor on the walls and the streamers and welcome sign we created, and try not to let Kat’s ghost spoil the moment. At least I don’t have to look at her stuff, which is locked up out of sight in her locker in the corner.

  “Yes,” I say, and mean it.

  “Alright, let’s go.”

  “Wait. I have to go pee.”

  Once I’m finished, I take one last fleeting look at Kat’s locker. Sticking from underneath the locker is the corner of a shiny black card.

  I pull it out. The card is torn in half, but what’s left is an embossed picture of a cat in silver with the name Michelle and part of a phone number on the bottom, but no business name.

  “What’s that?”

  I hand her the card. “I don’t know.”

  “Who’s Michelle?” She flips it over. On the back someone has scrawled, “I know who you are.” She hands it back to me. “That’s weird.”

  “Yeah.” I stare at it for a moment, wondering why something like this is in the cabin. Does it belong to Kat?

  Syd nudges me out of my thoughts. “We should go.”

  “Yeah.” I stick the card in my pocket before we head outside and lock up.

  The beaded lanyard around my neck that holds my key and name badge weighs heavy against my chest. For some silly reason, I feel like I’m pretending. Friday’s events prove I don’t have my shit together, and I know I’m going to mess up the week for these girls. What I should do is quit and go home to Gage. He’s what I deserve.

  We walk down the path to the counselor lounge, joining up with other counselors along the way. I smile and make small talk, but I’m dreading the moment I see Logan. Though Syd thinks he enjoyed the kiss, I believed he most likely hates me now. Why did I ever do that?

  I follow Syd into the lounge and sit next to her on the couch. My gaze darts to the others, trying to read their faces. They have to know what a fake I am.

  Logan walks in last and a jolt rocks through my chest. Luckily, he doesn’t look at me, which makes the pit in my stomach not seem as deep. I’m so confused and not sure where we stand now.

  “So,” Dirk drawls out, “because of the news reports, several of the parents have pulled their kids from camp this week.”

  His mug shot is all I can see as a soft sigh resonates through the group. Dirk stops and furrows his brows at me. I gulp, but keep eye contact. He totally sees right through me, I know it. I should just ask to be relieved now.

  “The cops have finding Marsden Brindle as their top priority, but that doesn’t mean we can let our guard down,” he continues. The mention of his name makes me sick.

  “You all should have the keys to your reinforced deadbolts installed on your cabin doors this weekend. The kids will be assigned keys as well, but at no time should the campers be left alone. I’m hoping because of the smaller numbers, it’ll be easier to keep track of everyone without making it look like we’re escorting them everywhere. Things need to be like they’ve always been.”

  Always been? That’s going to be impossible.

  Syd nudges my shoulder. “You’ve got this,” she whispers.

  My shoulders remain tense.

  There’s nothing to be nervous about. Syd’s right.

  No matter what I do, I can’t get the images out of my head.

  Dirk continues, “You need to keep your phone on your person at all times. Call 911 if you see the perp. Get your kids to safety and do not try to apprehend him.”

  See him? I can’t imagine what I’d do if that happens again.

  I raise my hand. Dirk nods at me. “My cell service doesn’t work at camp. I can only text.”

  “Oh.” He glances around the room. “Is that the same for anyone else?”

  One other counselor raises her hand.

  “Well… I’ll see about getting you both a burner phone. For now, just text.”

  “I can’t text,” Logan says apathetically.

  I startle at his voice.

  Dirk’s glare finds Logan. “Can’t or won’t.”

  Logan tilts his head. “Won’t.”

  Won’t? The mystery texts I’d received come to mind. I’d always thought I got them from Gage. Could Logan have been the one texting me?

  “Well, then, everyone will just need to call you,” Dirk says.

  Logan shrugs noncommittally before he leans against his hand like he’s bored. I don’t get why he’s acting this way. I catch sight of his bandaged arm and the night comes crashing in again, on how easily that situation could have gone the wrong way. I start to tremble.

  “Make sure you’ve got everyone’s number saved.” Dirk passes out the phone list.

  I type in the numbers I’m missing to distract myself, including Logan’s, and secretly wish I’d kept the old texts. Then it hits me as I stare at the number. It’s like an intimate part of him being shared with everyone. When I look up, he’s watching me. I quickly look away.

  “And here’s a sheet of easy answers to the questions they’ll be asking. I’ll be handing it out to parents, too. We now have barbed wire topping the fence surrounding the perimeter. Armed guards with dogs will be patrolling twenty-four seven and there’s only one way in and out of the camp now, which is at the parking lot. The key is the event happened off grounds and the cops have finding Marsden their top priority.”

  He’s starting to sound like a broken record. But off grounds? Unless they’ve put a fence along the frontage road, too, blocking everything in, the Devil’s Peak trail is another entrance to camp, not to mention the lakefront.

  “So what about Devil’s Peak?” Brady asks.

  “We’re not setting foot anywhere near there. Not until Marsden is apprehended. We’ll have a bonfire on the beach instead.”

  The group mumbles mixed approval and disappointment. I’m relieved. Returning there is the last place I want to go. But I have a feeling if Marsden wants into camp, he’ll get in.

  “So when the kids come in a few minutes,” Dirk continues, “we all need to act cool, like everything is under control.”

  Dirk finishes his soliloquy with a few last minute details, then dismisses the group. My stomach knots up when he calls me over. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll relieve me of my duties.

  “Hey.” He tilts his head to the side, eyes concerne
d. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I think so.” I manage a smile. “What’s up?”

  “I haven’t been able to talk to you since Friday.”

  “Oh,” I say. “I’m fine.”

  His lips narrow and I know I’m in for it. “Well, even still, I have to file an incident report.”

  I let out a breath. “Another one?”

  “Yeah. Camp rules. Can you stop by my office before dinner?”

  My brow creases. I don’t want to recount what’s happened, especially since that’s all my brain wants to think about. “Yeah.”

  “Great. Everything else okay?”

  I nod, somewhat confused. Did he not hear about my drinking? “I think so.”

  “Good. I couldn’t have planned a more perfect week for you, actually. You have only five freshmen girls and they’re all friends.”

  I want to laugh at the irony, considering Logan’s hellions were friends, too.

  “You’ll do great.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. My eyes betray me and fill with tears. His acceptance was all I craved, but now I want out. “Thank you for being willing to step in.”

  “Yeah.” I give him a smile, then follow the rest of the counselors out of the room before I lose it, my heart in my throat.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  I sit with Syd at the freshman table, waiting for our small band of girls to arrive. Once 4PM rolls around, they slowly start to trickle in, some arriving with friends and others with just their parents, until a bus pulls up and unloads a crowd. A swarm hits the tables and we scramble to get orientation packets out.

  “That was us.” Syd nudges me, motioning to the two girls walking up arm and arm—a brunette and a blonde—lugging their things behind them.

  “Oh, totally.”

  The pair end up at my table and are assigned to my cabin, Holly and Emma, which elates me. Bridgette, Kara and Jen follow shortly behind.

  As I check kids in, Dirk works his magic with parents who have worry lines etched in their faces, and I secretly wish he could do the same with me. He frequently motions to the security guards in the parking lot, but the parents still look nervous.