The Shower

by Kay Bigelow

  “Can we go for a walk with Serena?” Lindsey asked, abruptly changing the subject.

  Lauren was surprised. Two weeks earlier, her best friend had sworn again she’d never leave the City. She’d only been in the countryside for a day and a half, and already she was into walks in the park. Lauren thought Lindsey must truly be in love.

  As they walked around the park, Lindsey kept asking questions about the flora and fauna that Lauren couldn’t answer. Finally, Lindsey gave up trying to find out what anything was and walked along the path lost in her own reverie.

  Lauren’s mind returned to the times she’d been in the park with Alex. How easy it had been to be with her. Everything about being with Alex had been easy right up to the second she’d said, “We were lovers from the start.” How could we possibly be together after those six words had been said out loud? Now, it took every ounce of Lauren’s considerable willpower not to let her mind begin imagining Alex being with Lucia, to imagine that woman’s hands all over her Alex, and Alex’s all over that woman. That was more than she could bear to think about, but the images kept coming to her, over and over.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Alex had watched Lauren drive off into the night and knew Lauren would never forgive her. She’d somehow have to learn to live without her. How was that even possible?

  When she returned to her condo from Mamacita’s, she set the bag of food on her kitchen counter and sat in her grandmother’s rocker. How could she possibly bear seeing Lauren and not be able to touch her? How could she ever expect her life to be any different than it was at that moment?

  Get over yourself! You knew I had a fifty-fifty chance of losing Lauren when I decided to tell her about Lucia. If she can’t understand how important my art is to me then she doesn’t belong in my life. But she does belong in my life. Not if she doesn’t understand that art is a part of my life, too. Idiot, she probably does understand art is a part of you, what she doesn’t understand is Lucia.

  Alex’s sketchbook lay on the floor next to the rocker. She picked it up and began turning pages. It was full of sketches of Lauren. She had the equivalent of a photo album of nothing but Lauren, page after page of Lauren. She lingered over the sketches she’d made of Lauren at Tanglewood, eyes closed as she enjoyed the sounds emanating from Yo-Yo Ma’s cello. She smiled at the sketches of Lauren in her grandmother’s kitchen as she and April had enjoyed a cup of tea across from one another at the table.

  Dinner forgotten, Alex went to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. Within seconds, she was engulfed in a flood of tears. A minute later she was struggling to breathe through her nose, and instantaneously became a mouth breather.

  Her next cogent thought came when she woke up. A glance out the skylight above the bed told her it was still night. She had no idea how long she’d slept, nor did she care. Instead of painting, she’d wasted precious time wallowing in the grief of not having Lauren in her life.

  Is there anything I can do to get her back? No, there isn’t. Even if I give up Lucia now, Lauren won’t come back to me because Lucia was an important part of my life for five years and I didn’t tell Lauren about her. What an idiot I am. If I’d told her up front, I could have saved us both a ton of heartache.

  “Fuck this,” she said to her empty condo as she got off the bed. “I have a show in the spring and I need to be ready for it. Art is my life.”

  Alex knew that no matter how many times she told herself that art was her whole life, she was lying to herself. She wanted Lauren to be a part of her life, too.

  ****

  “Do you mind if I take a nap?” Lindsey asked when they returned from their walk.

  “Of course not.”

  “Apropos of nothing, do you know what I miss most since you’ve been gone?”

  “What? My charm? My sparkling wit? My beauty?”

  “Our poker games.” Lindsey was wise to cut her off before she got too far in naming her list of alleged assets.

  “We could invite Evita and April to play poker this evening, if you want?”

  “Let’s do that. It might be fun.”

  “I’ll see what I can do while you nap.”

  “Wake me at three. Would you mind if I invite Jane to join us?”

  “Of course not,” Lauren said again.

  “Thanks,” she said, trying to stifle a yawn.

  “Go nap.”

  Lauren made the calls to April and Evita to invite them over for poker, but had to leave messages. While she waited for return calls and Lindsey napped, she sat in her office trying to read, but her mind kept returning to Alex. What is she doing? When is she leaving for Europe? Does she miss me? Those were only a few of the many, many random thoughts firing through her brain like rogue synapses.

  When she felt herself nodding off, she went into the living room to lay down on the couch. She only intended to rest her eyes. The next thing she knew, Lindsey was shaking her shoulder to wake her up.

  “Hey, girlfriend, it’s time to get up. Do we have a poker game planned for this evening?”

  “I was just resting my eyes,” Lauren said, smiling.

  “Hah! The way you were snoring, if I hadn’t wakened you, you’d still be asleep next Tuesday.”

  “I don’t snore.”

  “Yeah, and the Pope’s not Catholic.”

  “I need to use the bathroom.” While Lauren was there, she took a quick shower and changed clothes. When she emerged from the bathroom, she checked her phone to find both April and Evita had returned her calls and said they’d love to play poker.

  “We’ve got ourselves a poker game tonight,” she told Lindsey when she returned downstairs. “Evita’s bringing pico de gallo and chips, and April’s bringing homemade chocolate chip cookies.”

  “Yummy,” Lindsey said.

  “Let’s invite them over for dinner.”

  “Yes!”

  Lauren texted Evita and April to tell them their contributions to the party sounded delicious. She invited them to share dinner with she and Lindsey from the Panda. Their return texts came back almost immediately saying they’d love to have dinner with them. Evita offered to pick up their order since she was closest to the restaurant. They agreed they’d have dinner around six o’clock. Lindsey texted Jane telling her what was going on and Jane offered to bring the non-alcoholic drinks.

  “Do you have cards and poker chips?” Lindsey asked.

  “I did, but I don’t think I packed them. And if I did, they’re somewhere in the storage unit thirty minutes away.”

  “Well, shit. Where are we going to find poker chips here in the boonies?”

  Lauren texted April explaining their dilemma and asking where she could buy the chips and cards. She texted back not to worry, she had both items.

  “Thank God. Our fun evening almost turned into a disaster before it got started. I bet you’re going to claim this as a victory for being non-spontaneous, aren’t you?” Lindsey asked with a smile as she revived an ongoing argument between them.

  “I was going to do no such thing.”

  This was the kind of “discussion” Lindsey and Lauren had that could go down the rabbit hole in about a nanosecond. They were saved from themselves by the ringing of the doorbell.

  April and Jane, coming from different directions, were the first to arrive. By the time Evita arrived ten minutes later with the food, they were all set to have a buffet dinner.

  April and Lauren set out the poker chips and cards on the round table in the dining room. The table was one of those things Lauren brought with her from the City but had absolutely no use for until this evening. When it came off the moving truck, Lauren wondered what had made her keep it. She noticed that five of the six chairs that had been piled on top of one another in the corner of the dining room had been placed around the table. Lauren had obviously forgotten about them, otherwise they’d be in the storage unit in Rhineland with the rest of the stuff she’d brought with her but didn’t need.

  Lauren had order
ed tangerine shrimp, shrimp fried rice, dumplings, and egg rolls. After they set the cartons on the island in the kitchen, they helped themselves and went into the dining room. As they ate, Lauren noticed April and Evita once again exchanging glances. They obviously wanted to say something, but neither wanted to be the one to start the conversation. Lauren leaned closer to Evita and said, “Is there something you want to talk about?”

  “Yes, there is.” Evita paused and looked at April, who nodded.

  The others fell silent, waiting to hear what Evita was so nervous about.

  “Lindsey, April and I have been talking for a long time about wanting to open another restaurant. We think the area would support a higher scale restaurant than Mamacita’s and Southern Panda. To make a long story short, we’d like to be your backers if you want to move here and open another restaurant.”

  At first no one said a word. Then all eyes turned to Lindsey. Lindsey was watching Jane. Lindsey had mentioned to Lauren a few weeks earlier that she’d taken Lauren’s advice about determining whether she was happy, and if she wasn’t, then figuring out what would at least make her content. She hadn’t for one second believed Lindsey would ever decide she wasn’t happy being in the City. She could sense Jane’s role in this new Lindsey.

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say except thank you for your offer. Wow. I obviously need to think about it, though,” Lindsey said.

  Wow, indeed. I expected Lindsey to reject the offer out of hand. She hasn’t, though. I hope she agrees.

  “Take your time. I know this is a lot to take in all at once, and we hadn’t intended to spring it on you suddenly. We’ve been to your restaurant and loved everything about it. It’s the sort of restaurant we think would thrive here, although on a smaller scale. So who better to make it a success than you?” Evita asked.

  As they were taking the detritus of their dinners to the kitchen, Lindsey pulled Lauren aside and asked, “Did you know anything about this? Did you know what they were up to?”

  “No. They didn’t mention a thing about their offer.”

  “Okay.”

  “Are you considering it?”

  “I think so. But I really need the time to think about the ramifications.”

  “Come on, you two, let’s play some cards,” Jane called from the dining room.

  Lauren and Lindsey joined the others. After they chose their seats and bought chips, Evita dealt the first cards.

  At midnight, after much laughter and gentle jabs, the players decided they needed to call it a night. April was the big winner, Lindsey the big loser. They all agreed they’d had such a good time they hadn’t even noticed time passing. They decided they should play again very soon, forgetting Lindsey didn’t live anywhere nearby.

  Evita and April left first, followed by Lindsey and Jane. Lauren cleaned up the kitchen despite the late hour. She let Serena out and when she returned, they went upstairs. She changed into her flannel pajamas and climbed into bed. As Lauren lay waiting for sleep to come to her, she realized she’d gone for five hours without thinking about Alex every second of every minute. Somewhere in the middle of the evening, she’d wished Alex had been playing poker with them, but it was the only time she’d thought of her. Now, as she lay relaxing in bed, her mind was crowded with Alex. While Lindsey had been with her, she’d been able to banish Alex from her thoughts as she appeared there. But not now. She’d push down one thought only to have another pop up to replace it. God, I miss her. What am I going to do without her?

  The next morning, Lauren and Serena went to the park early. She wasn’t in the mood, but Serena needed the exercise. While Lauren strolled along the path, Serena ran around like a mad dog. Serena finally tired herself out, and Lauren found an empty bench to sit on. She retrieved her book from the backpack and tried to read, but finally gave up and set the book aside. The sun was losing its heat a little more each day. Pretty soon their days of sitting in the sun would be over. She closed her eyes, trying to absorb as much sun as she could through her pores.

  “Lauren?” the oh-so-familiar voice said softly. Lauren knew she had to be dreaming, but even so the voice made her heart skip a beat. “Lauren, can we talk? Please?”

  Her eyes snapped open, convinced that a dream Alex would not have asked if they could talk. No, in her dream, Alex would have kissed her and taken her to bed.

  “Alex, I really don’t have anything to say.”

  “Then let me do the talking.”

  “You need to let me go.”

  “I can’t.”

  Lauren couldn’t sit there going back and forth with her. She rose from the bench, signaled to Serena, stuffed her book into the backpack, and began walking across the meadow toward the parking lot.

  “Everything I said to you was true,” Alex said, following Lauren across the meadow. “I didn’t lie to you.”

  Lauren turned on her like a cornered animal.

  “You didn’t lie to me? You didn’t lie to me?” Lauren was practically shouting at her.

  “No. I did not lie to you.”

  “You told me you’d never break my heart. You fucking lied to me about that because my heart is broken, Alex. And for that, if nothing else, I can’t forgive you. I told you if you did that, I might not survive. I’m struggling to hold my life together. You need to leave me alone, Alex. I swear if you can’t do that, I will leave this fucking town tomorrow.” What? Calm down and talk to her. She’s trying. Lauren had never before refused to talk something out. Who am I?

  Lauren felt Serena leaning against her leg. Serena knew something was very wrong, and Lauren didn’t doubt Serena would protect her if need be.

  As Lauren stood staring at Alex, she was panting like a wounded animal. Lauren knew the moment the fight went out of Alex. She could see it in her eyes. Alex sank to her knees, staring up at her. Lauren could see the tears coursing down her cheeks, and she could feel her own cheeks awash in tears.

  “I love you, Lauren.”

  “And I loved you. If I can’t trust you, I can’t be with you.”

  “That’s the only thing I didn’t tell you about, I promise. Since I didn’t tell you, it can’t be a lie.”

  “It was sin of omission, which is a lie regardless of whether it was spoken out loud, whispered in the night, or simply left unsaid.”

  “Lauren, please don’t leave me.”

  “For both our sakes, go to Europe and forget about me.”

  “I can’t.”

  Lauren turned on her heel, and before she knew what she was doing she was in a full sprint toward her car. She knew if she didn’t put space between herself and Alex, she’d give in to her. When she reached the car, she opened the door for Serena. She finally got the key into the ignition after dropping the keys to the floorboard twice. She pulled out of the parking space and gunned it out of the parking lot.

  When Lauren got home, Lindsey was sitting on the couch watching a baseball game. Lauren ignored her friend. She ran up the stairs, threw herself on the bed, and sobbed.

  “Lauren?” Lindsey said as she sat down on the edge of the bed. “What happened?”

  “Oh, God, Lindsey, I love her.”

  “But you think you’ll never be able to trust her ever again. You think every woman you love breaks your heart, right?”

  “Yes,” Lauren said.

  “Sweetie, you know I love you, but I’ve got to remind you that you’ve only loved two women. Sandy died suddenly and unexpectedly. The other is Alex. She’s not dead, Lauren. If you love her, you need to learn to trust her again. You need to figure out whether she hurt you with intent or by accident. If it’s the latter, you’d better not let her go because if you do I may have to hurt you.”

  Lauren managed a weak smile.

  “Girlfriend, you had a great love for twenty-five years. Not everyone gets to have that. You’re one of the very few given a love like you had with Sandy. Now, the gods have smiled down on you once more and brought Alex into your life. That youngster loves you like San
dy loved you, and I think you love her more than you did Sandy. If that’s true, you’d better not screw this up because the gods won’t take kindly to you telling them to fuck themselves because your feelings are hurt. Get your ever-loving shit together and allow Alex to make it up to you.”

  Lindsey punched her on the shoulder for emphasis and walked out of the bedroom. She said over her shoulder, “Jane’s picking me up. We’re going to have brunch before I have to go back to the City. I’ll see you later. Okay?”

  “Of course. Have fun.”

  Is it possible Lindsey is right?

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Alex stayed on her knees, sobbing until she had no more tears. She noticed a couple watching her. When they stepped into the meadow and took a step toward her, she waved to let them know she was okay. She got to her feet and focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Her car seemed to have a mind of its own, and she soon found herself sitting in front of her grandmother’s home. She laid her head on the steering wheel.

  Alex was startled when someone rapped on the passenger-side window. When she lowered the window, her grandmother said, “Alex, honey, come inside.”

  “I’m fine, Sobo. I’ll go home, I don’t want to bother you.”

  “Nonsense, Alex Aoki. You are never a bother to me. Now, come inside.”

  Whenever her grandmother, or her mother for that matter, used both her names, Alex knew resistance was futile. She got out of the car and followed her grandmother up the steps and into the kitchen.

  “Coffee or tea?”

  “Whichever you’re having,” Alex said listlessly.

  “She pushed you away again, didn’t she?”

  “Yes. I can’t keep doing this. She doesn’t love me anymore. She said she loved me—past tense.”

  “Alex, that woman loves you something awful. She’s hurt and confused. She doesn’t know how to handle all her feelings about you. You really don’t know how much of her anger and confusion is about you and how much of it is in her history with someone else. I’m telling you, you need patience. Let her work through her shit. Let her come to you when she’s ready.”