Off the Menu

by Stacey Ballis

  “Thank you,” I say, handing Barry a beer when he comes back.

  “Anytime. That’s what friends are for.”

  We catch up, demolish the entire pizza, and I fill him in on my current employment conundrum, leaving out the Master Chef Challenge and just saying that I’m up for a major promotion from Patrick, which is close enough.

  “Do you have any idea what you want to do?” he asks.

  “I really don’t. I completely go back and forth. One minute all I want is to let go of Patrick’s craziness, and create the most amazing education programs. And the next minute all I want is to hand my folks the keys to their place in Florida dangling off a red ribbon. I wake up ready to face the financial challenges of working for a nonprofit, and go to sleep ready to face up to my own selfish needs and go for the bucks.”

  “What does RJ say about it?”

  “RJ is in complete support of whatever I believe will make me happiest. And that is the thing. Even if you take my own creature comforts out of the way, I genuinely find it equally compelling to do wonderful things for those kids and to do wonderful things for my parents. On the one hand, I have it in my power to make my parents’ final years more comfortable, to be able to help them both keep the home they worked so hard for here, and also spend the harsh winters someplace warm. On the other hand, I could have a role in moving forward both positive nutritional education and the culinary field, and help a whole lot of teachers get reenergized about what they’re teaching, and a whole lot of kids dream a dream they didn’t even know was dreamable.”

  “Wow. That’s a lot of words.”

  Sigh. “I know. I have plenty of words and no concrete decisions.”

  “You know who you need on this.”

  “I know. But she’ll be biased.”

  “Maria will be able to help you figure it out without pushing you in any one direction, even if she does selfishly want you to take the job with her team.”

  “She’s out of town doing her road-tour shows for the next couple of weeks, but when she gets back Patrick is booked on the show, and we’re having lunch after the taping. I can ask her then if I haven’t figured it out on my own.”

  “Good plan. And now, my sweet, not that it hasn’t been the most interesting night of the month so far, I have to take myself away.”

  “You are totally going home to tweet about our evening and slap those pictures of poor JP all over the interwebs, aren’t you?”

  “Completely. Shall I send you copies?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Barry gives me a big hug and kisses both cheeks. “Don’t overthink it, princess. Even if you flip a coin, that will be the right choice for you. And at the end of the day, make sure it’s you making the choice … not your pals, not your boss or your former boss, not your fabulous boyfriend or your well-meaning siblings. You make this choice for yourself and know that everything will be fine in the end.”

  “Thanks, honey. And thanks for being my knight in shining armor tonight.”

  “Anytime you have a cat that needs greasing and then degreasing, I’m your gay.”

  While I clean up the pizza box and beer bottles, the phone rings.

  “How’s my sweet banana puddin’?”

  “She is very tired. But very happy to hear your voice.”

  “How was your night? Do anything fun?”

  “Well … the good news is that your fly problem is significantly improved. The bad news is that one of the traps was something of an overachiever …” I regale him with the tale of our fly trap adventure, which has him laughing so hard he is making dolphin noises. I do not mention the careful accounting of his belongings, or how well they are going to fit here at my place once I make room for them.

  “Oh, honey, that is just the funniest thing I ever heard. And I’m so sorry my flies became such a project for you. How did your class go?”

  “It was great, actually. Patrick was amazing with the kids.”

  “That must have been hard.”

  “In what way?”

  “Well, on the one hand, I’m sure being with the kids made you want to think about the Foundation job, and seeing Patrick be great with them must have made you want to stick with him.”

  “Yeah. You hit it in one.”

  “I think you should take some time and try not to think about making a decision and just try to focus on the present. You’re making yourself nuts. Give it time and don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make a decision. You have nearly seven weeks before you meet with the Foundation, and probably at least that before you get a firm, quantifiable offer from the network. So maybe just wait till that starts to happen and have some real conversations, and then make a decision. You’ll still have a whole month before you need to deal with the Florida thing for your folks.”

  He’s completely right, of course. “Thank you for talking me off the ledge. You’re right. I’m obsessing like this is a decision I need to make today, and I don’t. I can just let it sit with me for a while and focus on what is real. Like getting the recipes for the new cookbook cranked out and dealing with the show.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  “I’m thinking we should talk more about this whole moving-in thing. I really hate spending nights away from you.”

  “Look, baby, I know it makes the most sense, and I do like your place very much, and I like your neighborhood very much. But I have to process it all in my own time. It’s a when, not an if. And you just keep reminding me how much you want me there; you know I can’t deny you anything for very long.”

  “I’ll keep reminding you in as many good ways as I can.”

  “Okay. We’ll talk more when I get home.”

  I hang up the phone and think about what he said, about reminding him how much I want him here. And I smile as I open up the computer.

  22

  100 Very Objective and Important and Totally Unbiased Quantifiable Reasons RJ Should Move In with Alana and Dumpling As (Reasonably) Soon As Possible, Approved by the Universe and 9 out of 10 Doctors and Anyone Who Knows Them

  1. She loves him more than anything in the world.

  2. Home to her isn’t home anymore without him.

  3. She has the comfy bed, even if he did finally upgrade the sad pillow collection.

  4. The new pillows will really be happier on the comfy bed.

  5. Dishwasher. Really good dishwasher.

  6. Her laser precision for eliminating potentially harmful foodstuffs means never again a melty vegetable, moldy fruit, or questionable piece of meat will be in the house, and he can eat with total confidence and gastric impunity.

  7. She is really good at paperwork.

  8. TiVo.

  9. She has multiple flavors of toothpaste to choose from. Yum!

  10. Her shower has really good water pressure.

  11. She only really breathes comfortably when he is around.

  12. No matter how crazy and busy and stressful things get, they would get to spend most all of their nights together.

  13. MORE SEX!

  14. There are a helluva lot more walls on which to display his gorgeous art collection.

  15. When he has those random middle-of-the-night questions, she will be there to answer them.

  16. Crosswords will get completed at a speedier rate.

  17. Because after waiting their whole lives to find each other, spending unnecessary time apart is sort of criminal.

  18. She has a really good DVD collection. Even if you ignore all the shit from the 1980s.

  19. Her house is walking distance to the Blue line for all that pesky business travel. And still only a couple of miles from the Brown line for commuting.

  20. Dining room can seat twenty at one table. It doesn’t have to, but it can.

  21. In case he needs to see a procedural, there are always plenty on deck.

  22. The fact that the place is the littlest bit cold in the winter means much more cuddling!

  23. Mutually much more co
nvenient for delivery of adorable cards and love notes and little happy presents.

  24. She has the MAC Knives.

  25. They would get to record a cute joint outgoing answering machine message. Provided she can remember how to change the message on the machine. Maybe they can just shop for a new answering machine.

  26. She has two parking spaces, and the cars look so happy together.

  27. Good, walkable restaurants, AND La Boulangerie! Mmmmm. Crepes.

  28. Dumpling promises to try to be a good boy.

  29. She will do everything humanly possible to make it a happy home for him, and will never forget to appreciate his sacrifice.

  30. Two toilets, no waiting.

  31. There is a farmer’s market right at the end of the block that gets better every year. And does not give you a kitten when you ask for broccoli.

  32. Lettuces would grow very well in flower boxes on back porch (provided Alana does not attempt to touch them or engage with them in any way).

  33. With the downturned real estate sales market, rentals are at a premium, so there won’t be any problem finding a good tenant at a nice monthly rent to be in RJ’s place. Possibly even someone they already know who might be interested in renting. Hypothetically.

  34. Oodles of floors on which to display his beautiful rugs.

  35. No more having to say good night and then go away.

  36. More I love yous.

  37. Dinner in PJs. After sex.

  38. Showers together.

  39. High ceilings/low overhead.

  40. When RJ has to work at home, beverages and snacks and quick neck rubs can magically appear.

  41. All that schlepping 2.4 miles between houses adds up when gas prices are this high.

  42. More smooching.

  43. It will be ENORMOUS FUN!

  44. The front porch is a lovely place to sit and have a glass of wine and watch the people go by.

  45. Now that all their friends are all getting to be friends with each other, there can be awesome get-togethers without having to schlepp equipment, and without anyone having to spend time putting their place back together alone.

  46. Weekday mornings are less icky when you get a good-morning kiss from your favorite person.

  47. What sounds better than “Our house”?

  48. 2.4 miles feels like 24,000 miles when she really wants to be with her baby.

  49. We officially become the best EDestiny success story, without ever paying them a dime.

  50. All the parents will be so excited, and they’re not getting any younger.

  51. Soul mates should be roommates. It’s the law. Or should be.

  52. Guest room! For guests!

  53. Did we mention the enormous amount of lovin’?

  54. Life maintenance becomes something to do together, not something that keeps them apart.

  55. She gets ALL the cooking magazines.

  56. She always hoped she would maybe find someone she liked enough to want to be a longtime partner and figured that would probably include separate housing … until she met RJ, who made her believe in and actively long for Marriage and Permanence and Full-Time Togetherness … because she loves him for who he is and for who she becomes when she is with him, which seems to be the best possible version of herself. Much to her delight.

  57. She won’t have to wait for his call to say good night! Much less annoying for everyone.

  58. Even though he thinks she is always glass half full, when she looks at him, that glass is overflowing, and she knows in every cell of her being that it will only get better when they are 100 percent together.

  59. She likes the sound of his rocking out in the other room, and can’t really hear it very well from 2.4 miles away. Plus, she has enough space to create a full-time rock room, and his amps can go to eleven.

  60. The cat will have a whole new neighborhood to terrorize.

  61. If he doesn’t move in with her soon, the terrorists win.

  62. Many more opportunities for making each other laugh till they bust.

  63. Pretty much everyone has now heard the romantic “how they met” story and, frankly, they are going to need some new material soon.

  64. Makes eating healthy and making smart life choices much easier with full-time support. And in a pinch, that pint of ice cream or bowl of popcorn is much less damaging when you split it with someone.

  65. She has really awesome towels. Like uber towels. Seriously.

  66. He can reach the stuff on the high shelves.

  67. Random acts of nakedness.

  68. There are some people who will remain nameless who are going to lose the pool if he doesn’t move in soon. People he likes. Whom he might want to win.

  69. Because a love as big as theirs needs a lot of room to spread out.

  70. If it is inevitable, it might as well evit.

  71. They are so good at making a life together; making a home together is going to be a slam dunk!

  72. She loves him more every second she knows him, and it is very inconvenient to not be able to show him all the time.

  73. She has the big Boos Block, and it is just too heavy to move around.

  74. They are way behind on breakfasts in bed, surprise weeknight middle of the night romping, and random Thursday champagne drinking.

  75. She can’t think of anything about living with him that scares her, potentially annoys her, or would be anything less than the best thing ever.

  76. She always has plenty of Pamplemousse.

  77. Netflix Instant Watch on the TV.

  78. She could really use some assistance putting Patrick in his place on a more regular basis.

  79. Republicans hate it when Democrats are happy, and what would be happier than more RJ and Alana time?

  80. When you know that the reason you are on this planet is to love someone, you ought to be near them to fulfill that destiny as much as humanly possible.

  81. All those times they think they need to remember to tell each other something, they can just turn to the other one and say it.

  82. So. Much. Lovin’.

  83. Much easier and cheaper to shop for groceries for just one kitchen.

  84. The bathroom faucet at Alana’s has really super-duper cold water all the time. Delicious and refreshing.

  85. Those sheepskin rugs in her bedroom make winter mornings much cozier. Happy toes!

  86. Not having a backyard means no more weeding, and no more guilt about not weeding! And whatever he loses in the “backyard” is replaced with six acres of green! That he doesn’t need to weed. Or feel guilty about not weeding.

  87. Digging out cars from the snow is good exercise and character building at such a level that you hardly miss having a garage. And she already has a good cheap shoveling guy for the rest of it.

  88. After-dinner walks around the Boulevard.

  89. No TV in the bedroom means more reading, and that is always nicer lying next to your baby.

  90. When he gets that middle-of-the-back itch he can’t reach she will be there to scratch it.

  91. Her place has a ridiculous amount of potential to be the dream home they build together. And it starts out pretty dreamy to begin with.

  92. She has over a dozen types of vinegar. Mmm. Salads.

  93. Her house has never looked as good as it does when he is in it.

  94. She’s pretty sure they aren’t going to get that primo EDestiny SpokesCouple gig unless they are living together.

  95. He is fulfilling his destiny of making all of her dreams come true, so adding this one to the list is his moral obligation.

  96. She is pretty sure that the pants he is missing might just be staging a small protest because they want to live at her house, where she is far more likely to take them off him.

  97. There is nothing more romantic than cohabitation.

  98. She really does know what he is giving up, and loves him even more enormously for being willing.

  99. Once he fully commits to an
d embraces the idea, he is going to get really excited about what the reality brings and may even enjoy the planning.

  100. SHE LOVES HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD AND MISSES HIM LIKE MAD WHEN HE ISN’T AROUND AND LONGS TO MAKE A HAPPY HOME FOR THEM BOTH (when he’s ready).

  Ready? How about now? No? What about now? Okay, then, soon? Ballpark?

  This message has been approved by Barack Obama, People for a Loving Cohabitation, The Chicago Cubs, Official Members of the Team RJ Coalition, Purcell, Daryl Zero, BonSoiree, the Movement for More Smooching, The Logan Square Preservation Society, Serta Waking Hours Mattress, Willy Wonka, Café Fanny, Payton, Francis Urquart, Gene’s Sausage Shop and Delicatessen, The Lucky Dog, Booker T, Rice to Riches, The Whole Family Ostermann, The Company Store, MAC Knives, Confreres De L’ordre De Pamplemousse, Rickenbacker, Herbes de Provence, Chantelle (Party of Three), Thomas Keller, TiVo, Jonnie, Jackson, Bacchus, Leo Kottke, Acme Bakery, Alex Chilton, The City of Paris, Littorai Vineyards, University of Illinois, the Letter M, People for More Banana Cake, Tom Colicchio, Honda/Acura, The National Pork Board, 60647, Richard M. Daley, The City of Montreal, Rev. and Mrs. Oliver, School of the Art Institute Alumni Association, Chicago Bears, The Waldorf Astoria, The Blue Line, Alana’s Couch, Puma, Wines Ending in Slese, Jews and Crackers United, Church of Barry Gibb, Fender, NYT Crossword Puzzles, Alana’s Potato Salad, The Town of Uzes, EDestiny, The Order of the Polish Stonemasons, the Association for Burgundy Appreciation, and Thermomix.

  You are the most amazing, ridiculous, fabulous woman on the planet,” RJ says after reading my list with much laughter and the occasional “aww.” I’ve picked him up at the airport and left my list in a card on his seat. I meant it to be a top-ten list, but I got a little carried away.

  “I’m glad you’re taking it in the spirit in which it is intended. I was worried you might think it a little much.”

  “I think it’s hilarious and wonderful and you are wonderful for writing it down. I love it. And I agree with it. And I promise we will start making some plans very soon, okay?”

  “Okay!” He takes my hand and kisses it.

  “Guess that fortune cookie was right after all, huh?”