Upside of Love

by Dominique Thomas

  Billie hugged herself as she began to hum. She and liquor didn’t mix well. How some people could turn it off and stop she couldn’t. She would keep going until her sound mind left her and that was the last thing, she needed but damn wasn’t she tempted.

  She rocked her body back and forth while singing her favorite childhood song.

  “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bible tells me so,” she said quietly praying that her angels ascended from the Heavens to comfort her because the devil was so high up on her back that she could feel him breathing down her neck.

  2

  #cleaningoutthecloset

  TWO MONTHS LATER

  “I’m sorry I’m going to need for you to repeat that back to me,” Diana said stupefied by Novah’s revelation.

  Novah sighed in defeat. She swallowed hard, and her honey peepers slid around the room in contemplation. She was slightly ashamed that it had gone on this long without anyone knowing. One week turned into two and soon months had drifted by all the while she was with child. It hadn’t been intentional, and Novah prayed people didn’t hold it against her.

  She decided that she could show her mother better than she could tell her. Instead of responding she stood and lifted her soft black tee that was cascading down to her kneecaps. Diana gasped, and Novah nodded with slumped shoulders.

  “I know, I know. I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m being forced to since it won't stop growing,” she joked wryly.

  Diana shook her head as she sat across from Novah inside of the living room.

  “All this time you and Durand, have been hiding this from us?”

  Novah slowly sat down. She looked down at her sons that played quietly on the plush rug, and she cleared her throat. Her nerves got the best of her as she realized she had to tell her mother the truth.

  “Well not exactly. Durand is touring. He has been for the last month and a half. He hasn’t gotten a chance to see it yet either. With everything going on with Normani and Carter I’ve been keeping this under wraps. Mom once Carter finds out he’s going to make my life a living hell. You see how calm things are right now?”

  Diana shook her head and made the loose curls in her long hair bounce.

  “I swear I must have been drinking when I was pregnant with you girls. Life is quiet right now Novah because Durand is gone and Carter doesn’t have to pay you a lot of money any longer. Things are working in his favor, so of course, he’s happy. You can’t live your life for him. You have to do it for you. Are you afraid of him, Novah? Does he have a tendency to hit you or some shit? Because if so, let momma know and I’ll take care of him. You and Normani have been tripping lately, but momma is gone get you two together, baby. How far along are you?”

  Novah licked her chapped lips as she looked at her mom. Diana was right things were going good because everything was working in Carters favor, but Novah still had to admit it felt good to not have to fight with him. However, it had come at a cost because she was hiding her baby to keep the peace and that wasn’t fair to her, Durand, or the baby she was carrying.

  “I’m five months,” Novah said quietly. Diana gasped and Novah’s sad face morphed into a bright smile. “With a girl, momma. I’m having a girl!” she gushed.

  Diana jumped up and ran over to Novah. She hugged her daughter tightly as Novah began to cry tears of joy.

  “Well, then a baby shower is what momma is going to throw you. First, you need to tell Durand and apologize than get ready to bring my grandbaby into this world. I’m so happy right now,” Diana said becoming emotional herself.

  Novah wiped her eyes while nodding. It was time regardless of how she felt. It wasn’t fair to Durand, and she also didn’t want to hide her blessing any longer. She was having a girl, and that was something that she was elated to be doing.

  “How do you deal with having two baby daddies?”

  Quinn smiled at Novah. They sat inside of Novah’s spa at the counter. Quinn had popped in to check on Novah and was shocked to see Novah’s baby bump.

  “You so fake. I knew you were pregnant when you was throwing up at the studio and I hope you know Trill’s big-mouthed ass told Durand about it too. He brushed it off like he always does. He’s very chill. You definitely got the calmest one of the crew. Malano used to be that way, now he be talking too much for my liking,” Quinn said making them both laugh.

  Novah smiled as she rubbed her small protruding belly.

  “I was still scared back then. Durand and I wasn’t even dating yet I was pregnant. I knew it wouldn’t look good for me. I already have a bad rep in the press with Carter, and I know once this hits the blogs, it’s going to eat my ass alive.”

  Quinn frowned. She brushed her long onyx colored strands away from her face while looking Novah’s way.

  “I look at it like this. People will always have some shit to say. When I was broke and didn’t have anything, they were talking shit. Now I have everything my heart has ever desired and they still talking shit. That’s what unhappy people do. They hate. I don’t have time to worry about what people are saying about me. I have a baby by one of the richest men in the damn city and two by a rapper. That doesn’t define who I am, and you shouldn’t let it define you either. You’re so much more than a label. You’re a good friend, mother, sister, and a business owner. They don’t know the real you so don’t let them get to you. I need your moms’ number so I can help with this baby shower or should I get your Bff’s?”

  Novah smiled warmed by Quinn’s words. She leaned over and gave Quinn a quick hug. Quinn was now married to Malano, and because they had so many things in common, she valued Quinn’s opinion of her. If no one knew where she was coming from, she was positive that Quinn did.

  “Thank you, and you should call my mom. My best friend is going through some things right now, so I don’t wanna boggle her down with this. I’m excited, but I’m scared at the same time. Did your ex cause any trouble for you and Malano once it came out that you two were together?”

  Quinn laughed, and it was then that her dimples sunk into her chunky face. She resembled Lauren London so much it was crazy, she was just a darker version of her.

  “Yes, he caused issues for me because he didn’t wanna let me go. Typical stupid man shit. He didn’t appreciate me when he had me then once I was gone, he wanted to start a war. However, his dad died in between him acting a fool, and it put things into perspective for him. He knew that it was all his fault and he gracefully bowed out. Now we co-parent good and have become friends again. Malano trips when Hayward gets to calling me too much, but Hayward is always respectful. Plus, it helps that he has fallen for somebody else,” she replied.

  Novah nodded.

  “You were with a Yaasmin?” she asked smiling.

  They were like Detroit royalty, and Novah had dated a few Yaasmin back in her teenage years. She was glad that it hadn’t been Hayward although he’d chased after her a few times in the past.

  “Yes, and please don’t tell me you slept with him,” Quinn half-joked.

  Novah shook her head, and they both laughed.

  “Okay, cause I was gone say keep that shit to yourself. I can't concern myself with the past. You have to tell me how Durand takes the news of you being pregnant.”

  Novah sighed. Talks of Durand made her nervous.

  “I will. I pray that once this gets out Carter doesn’t go back to his old ways. Lately, he’s been real chill. I think he’s scared that I might take him back to court, so he’s been extra nice. I like it peaceful like this,” Novah admitted.

  Quinn applied a light coat of MAC lipglass to her plump lips before looking over at Novah.

  “I’m the same way, but the reality is you can’t predict how people will act, and you can’t live your life on eggshells trying to please them. It's like this you either wanna make Novah happy or your ex. You choose,” she told her.

  Hours later Novah sat inside of her home with Ella Mai on shuffle. She was stressed as she waited for Carter to em
erge from his car to grab their sons.

  “He needs to hurry his black ass up,” she grumbled.

  Durand was headed her way, and she was praying that he made it to her after Carter left.

  Novah stared out of the glass door and sighed when Carter finally emerged from his sedan. He pulled his cap down low and jogged up to her door. She held her cardigan tight to her body as she gave him a tight-lipped smile.

  “You good? How you been doing?” he asked stepping in.

  Novah gave him a quick once-over and shrugged. Carter was looking nice per usual in his black jeans that he paired a white designer crew neck tee with and black Giuseppe sneakers. He grabbed both of their sleeping sons as if they weighed nothing off the sofa and looked down at Novah.

  “I appreciate you not taking me back to court. With Mel having the baby I been stressed enough. I’m happy to see that we can finally do this shit the right way. You know my birthday, tomorrow right?”

  Novah nodded while peering up at him. She was keeping it cool for the sake of her sons, but she wasn’t his fucking friend and didn’t have any room for the small talk.

  Carter knew that shit still he tried it.

  “Yes, I’m sure you’re doing it up big,” she replied blandly.

  Carter chuckled oblivious to the frown on Novah’s face.

  “Shit, big ain't the word. A nigga is acting a fool next weekend. I'm laying low while I got the boys, but when I drop them back off to you, I’m going in. We should hang out. You could even come over to my crib. It’s been quiet as fuck with just me there. You know Mel been spending a lot of time with her mom since she had the baby. Acting like it’s hard for her to raise one child when you do that shit with two fucking kids,” he griped and shook his head.

  Novah snorted at his words. He was so full of shit.

  “Carter let’s keep it like it is. I’ll check on the boys in the morning,” she said, and Carter’s eyes saddened.

  “Do you ever think about me? Like how shit could have been had you not cut a nigga off?” he asked solemnly.

  Novah shook her head quickly. She didn’t, and she wouldn’t lie to appease him.

  “I don’t. I feel like everything happens for a reason. We weren’t meant to be, but we have the boys, and they are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

  Carter nodded as he sighed.

  “Me too. The kids and you,” he spoke before leaving out of the home.

  Novah brushed off his words and locked up her house. She then tried to call Billie. Lately, her girl had been on her mind heavy, but with so much going on they hadn’t had time to catch up. What Novah did know was that Dreux was still missing in action and she didn’t want that to push her friend back to the bottle.

  As the phone went to voicemail like it had been doing for the last week, she frowned.

  “Hey, I’m looking for my best friend. The same girl that put out a best friend missing person report on me, but now I can’t find her ass. Please let me know you're okay. I miss you, and I wanna see that pretty face. Call me.”

  Novah ended the call and heated her leftovers. As she was stuffing her face with pasta and shrimp, Durand hit her line. Her nerves went haywire as she watched his name slide across the screen.

  “Just explain to him that you’ve been stressed and see how he takes it. Hopefully, he won't trip.”

  Novah sat her plate fork down and rushed to her front door. Her hand went to her baby bump that was hidden under her cardigan as Durand trudged up to the door with his carryall in tow.

  “I missed the fuck out of you, come here,” he said as she opened the door.

  Novah smiled. She went to speak, and he pulled her into his arms. Like he loved to do, his hands roamed her ample bottom as she hugged him tightly. Durand pulled back after a few minutes and stared down at her.

  Novah smiled up at him nervously as he opened her cardigan.

  “What the fuck is that?”

  Novah swallowed hard. She cleared her throat as she gazed into his eyes.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  She said it slowly as if it was a big reveal. Durand took a step back and his teeth sunk into his bottom lip. After a few moments, he rubbed the waves adorning his head.

  “I see that Novah. What the fuck is going on? Where this baby come from?” he asked frowning.

  Novah closed her cardigan and smiled. She was attempting to remain calm because she knew that hiding it was wrong, but his simple ass questions were starting to irritate her.

  “When two people have sex, things like this tend to happen. Although I remember you carefully putting on your condom, so I’m curious myself as to how this happened,” she retorted.

  Durand’s handsome face stretched into a smile. He walked around Novah and went into her kitchen. He dropped his Goyard travel bag onto the ground and washed his hands. Novah watched him intently from the marble island as he made himself a plate.

  “The first time I saw you, I had just started rapping. Kasam had us on this big ass tour, and we was the opening act. You came, and because you was real big in the videos and shit, they gave you, and your girl Billie backstage passes. I watched all the niggas go crazy over y’ all and even though I was more reserved with my shit I was caught up on you too. I had never seen anyone as beautiful as you in my whole fucking life. You spoke to me quietly and kicked it with some people before leaving. For months after that, I searched for you. I started running into your girl Billie more, but back then she was partying hard and was always fucked up, so I wasn’t expecting her to tell you, but she knew how bad I wanted your ass…” Durand stopped talking and turned to Novah. She held her breath as she stared up into his dark, intriguing eyes. “How bad I still fucking want you. When that shit happened with me coming into the spa, I was like damn here she go. I swear I didn’t even know you owned it, but I was glad that you did. By the grace of God Billie fell off into my party, and you came with her. I did wear that condom but—”

  Novah turned and walked away before he could finish. Durand caught her in the hallway and gently grabbed her arm. He pulled her back into his strong arms as he cleared his throat.

  “But the nigga in me that had always wanted you couldn’t let you leave up out of there without sampling it with no protection. The other times we did it I swear I stayed strapped up. It was just that one time,” he assured her.

  Novah closed her eyes. Women caught a bad rap for deliberately doing things like that with men. She didn’t know how to feel about his admission.

  “You gave me this big speech the night of your get together. Saying all of these things about people that have kids by people they don’t know then you have unprotected sex with me without me knowing. What kind of sneaky shit is that, Durand? You didn’t give me a choice. Yes, I wanted to have sex with you, but I didn’t sign up for all of this. Who said I was ready to have three kids? I can’t believe you.”

  Novah pulled away from Durand and left him standing in the hallway. She retreated upstairs and went into her bedroom. Angry tears stormed down her face as she walked over to her bed. She grabbed her house phone that she rarely used and tried to call Billie one more time.

  The phone rung once before going to voicemail. Novah groaned and tossed the phone onto the floor.

  “The last thing I thought was that you would get pregnant. It was one fucking time and yes, I know that’s all it takes but damn what’s the chances of that shit happening? I’m sorry, and I don’t want you to feel like I trapped you.”

  Novah looked up into Durand’s eyes and frowned. Durand seemed apologetic, but it still didn’t take away from what he’d done.

  “But you did. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be all kinds of bitches and hoes right now. I want this little girl, I do, but it took me months to get comfortable with knowing I was about to have another child. You would be my second baby daddy and another celebrity. Carter is going to lose his shit when he finds out about this, and the media is going to eat me alive. Not to mentio
n it’s scary knowing that I will soon be responsible for three little people. I’m dealing with a lot of emotions right now.”

  Durand walked into the room and over to Novah. She peered up at him and noticed that a ten-hour flight hadn’t hurt his sexiness in any way. He wore blue Nike joggers with the matching crew neck sweater along with multi-colored huaraches. His handsome face was etched in a deep scowl as he glowered down at her.

  “Carter? You pregnant with my baby and all you can think about is that hoe ass nigga? Fuck him! I don’t give a fuck bout him or his feelings. I kept shit cool at the hospital off the strength of you but don’t ever think I’m scared of that nigga. Nigga won't be able to throw another ball playing around with me. This shit I rap about is shit I actually lived. I’m not one of these new style rapping type niggas. I was really in the streets so a part of me can always go back there. I pray it never gets to that point but I’m not scared of him, and you shouldn’t be either,” he said adamantly.

  Novah nodded with her heart pumping wildly.

  “You don’t get it. I get tired of my business being in the media. I get tired of people slandering my name when they don’t even know me. It's hard, and while I hate Carter, he is the father of my sons. It's easier when we get along.”

  Durand dropped down to his knees, and his hands went to her belly. He gazed up into her eyes as she stared down at him.

  “I’m sorry for not telling you before about the condom. That was fucked up of me, and this is the consequence of those actions. I always envisioned myself having kids with my wife, so this caught me off guard too. Shit is still fresh with us, but I’m not out here on no reckless shit Novah. I don’t know about you but I been wanting you for a long fucking time. I wouldn’t ruin that. Please forgive me,” he begged quietly.

  Novah swallowed hard. She broke his gaze, and Durand lifted her long nightgown. His thick lips pressed against her round belly as he cupped it gently.