Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight

by Robyn Peterman

  The wise oak made an excellent point. I needed more advice. Following my own hadn’t gone too well.

  “What would you think of a girl who’d loved a man who didn’t love her in return for an entire decade?” I asked, laying it all out.

  “He’s nuts and not the metaphorical kind,” Grumpy grumbled.

  “No. Maybe I’m nuts,” I said. “Maybe I should just let it go and move on.”

  “Is that what you want, little dryad?” Sleepy asked.

  “Nope. But Mick Jagger says you can’t always get what you want.”

  “Does this Mick Jagger have balls?” Sponge Bob inquired.

  I laughed. “Yes, and very tight spandex pants. He’s a Rolling Stone. Maybe I’ll take a page out of his book.”

  Doc tsked. “Oh Willow, no, no, no. A rolling stone never settles in one place for long. You will never gather moss… or love or friends or a home… and spandex is so eighties.”

  The thought was depressing—not the spandex part, that was accurate—but no more depressing than unrequited love. Dryads lived for many centuries. I’d bounced around many a forest in my time and there were more left to discover. A fresh start was what I needed. A rolling stone didn’t sound too bad. But I needed a few clarifications about my current friends and love of my life before I started spinning through my new life.

  “Boys, can I ask a question?”

  “Absolu-tree,” Sponge Bob replied.

  “Is Zach alive or dead?”

  The trees were silent and my stomach dropped to my toes.

  “Open your eyes, Willow,” Sponge Bob urged. “Look and see for yourself. It’s the first step in finding your hairy magic beans.”

  I sighed and silently agreed. The mighty oak was correct. However, the variety of nicknames for balls was astounding.

  “You’re right. Can I come back and visit you some day?” I whispered, screwing up the courage to open my eyes and take a peek at the world I’d avoided for the past month.

  “You always have a home in us. We have bonded and I am now your tree… a father of sorts,” Sponge Bob said with pride. “And as your wooden pappy, I must tell you if you truly want to locate your gonads, you must be brave and reenter the world beyond.”

  “You’re my tree now?” I asked with wonder. It was rare for a dryad to bond with a tree. Contrary to popular belief, most of us went from tree to tree for centuries. To have a tree to call one’s own was an honor beyond honors. My mom and dad would have been elated for me and would have approved of Sponge Bob heartily. An orphaned dryad finally had a home of her own.

  “Indeed, I am yours, child,” Sponge Bob said. “And I couldn’t be more tree-lighted.”

  My smile was so wide it hurt my mouth. “I couldn’t be more tree-lighted either.”

  “And by proxy, we are your uncles—or rela-tree-ives as I like to say,” Grumpy added.

  “Yes, yes, yes,” Doc said with a high-pitched squeal of joy. “We’ve always wanted a little tree sprite of our own.”

  “You’re a tree-mendous gift to us,” Sneezy said. “We are gra-tree-fied with our new anses-tree. You are loved, little Willow.”

  “I love all of you too,” I whispered. The thought of having someplace that I truly belonged was magical.

  “Back to your mission,” Sleepy reminded me. “You must find your wrinkled prunes. We are rooting for you.”

  My arboreal family certainly had a way with words.

  “I can do this,” I said, taking a deep breath.

  “We have faith in you, little one,” Grumpy said. “Faith that you will indeed find your meat clackers and wear them well.”

  “Thank you,” I said with a giggle. The intention was supportive. The wording was iffy. “Balls. I want my balls back. And I’m going to Mick Jagger my way through life until I find them.”

  “Remember when your stones get tired of rolling, you have a place with us to rest your weary head and change your spandex pants,” Sponge Bob said. “We are your home now and can replenish your power with an embrace.”

  Grumpy rustled his leaves. “You’re our little tree-hugger now.”

  “Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me,” I said, letting my magic open up and consume me.

  “On three,” Doc said encouragingly. “Open your eyes on three.”

  “One,” Sneezy said.

  “Two,” Sleepy chimed in.

  “Three,” I said, opening my eyes and gasping with joy. “Oh thank Goddess, Zach’s alive.”

  Chapter Two

  Zach wasn’t dead. My heart raced with relief and happiness. He and Zelda were arguing next to Sponge Bob. They were mirror images of each other and beautiful.

  Leaning in closer, but staying hidden in the Sponge Bob’s trunk, I listened. Eavesdropping wasn’t good form, but looking out at the world and reentering it were two entirely different things. Watching them was fascinating.

  Zelda’s wild red hair blew in the early afternoon breeze, and the sun framed the sister and brother in their stand-off. “You stink,” she announced, slapping her hands on her hips and eyeing her brother with disgust.

  While Zach looked exhausted and a little thinner, he also looked hopeful for the first time since I’d known him. He’d been sold at birth to the viciously evil, human voodoo witch, Henrietta Smith. She’d used his blood and magic to hang onto her youth and beauty. He’d been tied to her his entire life by an evil curse. But the haunted despair that had always lived in his eyes was gone. The curse had clearly been broken.

  Swiping at a single tear that rolled down my cheek, I thanked the Goddess for sparing Zach and giving him a life that could be joyous. Zach, more than anyone I knew, deserved to be happy.

  I had always hoped to be part of Zach’s happiness. Sadly, it wasn’t to be. Although, knowing he’d found his sister gave me peace. I’d longed for a sibling, but I was an only child. However, now I had a real tree family. Life wasn’t perfect, but it was pre-tree dang good.

  “Did you hear me?” Zelda demanded. “I said you smell stanky.”

  “Thank you,” Zach replied.

  “No, dumbass,” Zelda insisted. “I mean it. You seriously need to shower. You smell like a huge butt.”

  “I repeat,” Zach said, dryly. “Thank you.”

  “Duuuude, it was not a compliment.”

  Zach sighed dramatically. “You’re a pain in my ass.”

  Zelda laughed and raised her middle finger. “That’s what sisters are for.”

  “I didn’t ask for a sister,” he replied, raising his brow.

  “Tough titties,” Zelda shot back. “You either go up to the house and take a damn shower or I create a rainstorm with a shit-ton of soap in it.”

  “I really smell like butt?” Zach asked with a tired grin.

  “Butt is a stretch,” Zelda admitted. “However, it’s not good. Even Fat Bastard and the boys said you were gamey.”

  “Your cats complained about the way I smell?” Zach asked with a laugh. “The hairy sons of a bitches rolled in something dead yesterday.”

  “It was skunks, and they’re still alive,” Zelda said with a shudder. “I doused those bulbous smack-talking feline idiots in so much douche they’ll never forget it.”

  “I’m sorry,” Zach said, squinting at his sister. “Did you just say you douched your cats?”

  “Damn right, I did. I had to douche all three of my brain-challenged familiars,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Douche works better than anything when dumbass cats decide to hit on a trio of female skunks. You have no clue how horrifying it was to buy six cases of douche at the store. I’m sure all of Assjacket thinks I have something wrong with my va-jay-jay.”

  Zach laughed and let his chin fall to his chest in defeat. “That was more information than I ever wanted to know in my life.”

  “I’ve got more where that came from,” she threatened with a wide grin that was identical to her brother’s. “And if you don’t haul your ass up to the house, I’m gonna douche you a
nd enjoy it.”

  “Fine,” Zach said. “I’ll shower. Will you stay till I get back?”

  Zelda nodded.

  “Promise?” he questioned.

  “Witch’s honor,” she said. “I’d hug you, but I smell good.”

  With a snap of his fingers, Zach disappeared in a cloud of bright blue glittering smoke.

  The timing of Zach's departure had been perfect. I could thank Zelda for saving my life, ask about Zorro, my best friend, and then haul ass out of wherever I was and start searching for my tes-tree-cles. Now that I knew my love was among the living, I could move on with a lighter heart. It would be a broken heart, but it would be a happy broken.

  However, I’d always come back to visit my trees.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I walked right out of the tree and back into the world.

  “Holy shit on a hot tin roof,” Zelda screamed in horror as I appeared in front of her. “Goddess in mom jeans, you’re a hot mess.”

  “Nice to see you, too,” I said, looking down at myself. Zelda was correct. I was a hot mess. However, I had an excuse. I’d been in a tree for a month. Thank Goddess, I hadn’t popped out of the tree while Zach had still been here. I could deal with him not loving me, but I didn’t want his pity.

  With a wave of my hand, I cleaned up. Gone was the leafy dress and sappy smell. I was now in a bright green Alice and Olivia number and Prada wedges. My head wreath blossomed sparkling gold and pale pink flowers, and I smelled like a summer breeze.

  “Better?” I asked with a grin.

  “Much. And I’d like to put in an order for that dress in blue. Can you make that work, dryad?” she asked, grinning back.

  “I believe I can, witch,” I told her, waving my hands and granting her wish.

  “Sassy will shit her pants that she wasn’t here to get a new dress,” Zelda said with a laugh as she twirled and modeled her new outfit. “So did my large wooden menaces fix you up?”

  Trying out my legs and pacing around Sponge Bob, I nodded my head. “They did. Sponge Bob and I bonded. I hope that’s okay with you.”

  Zelda wrinkled her nose. “Umm… define bonded.”

  I laughed at her alarmed expression. “He’s my tree pappy—like a giant wooden father. I’m his baby tree-hugger.”

  Zelda blew out a wildly relieved breath and clapped her hands with delight. “Fucking perfect. You realize they’re my minions, right?”

  I nodded. “I do. You’re lucky to have such brave and wonderful trees in your corner.”

  “Wait,” Zelda said, pursing her lips. “Does that make us related somehow?”

  Shrugging, I grinned. “Distan-tree, I suppose.”

  “Oh my Goddess in a muumuu,” she said with a giggle and an eye roll. “You speak tree?”

  “I do,” I admitted, shaking my head. “I try to avoid Puntreelish at all costs, but hanging with the boys for a month made it all come back.”

  Zelda leaned in close. “I like it,” she whispered. “Do not tell them, though. It’s better if they think I’m an insane meanie with an obscene vocabulary.”

  “They call you Zelda of the Poopy Crap Mouth,” I whispered back. “They adore you.”

  Her laugh rang out and the trees rustled with delight. “I love it,” she said, patting Sponge Bob’s bark with affection. “However, you big wooden pain in my butt, if that ever gets around, I will chop your ass down and use you for firewood. Am I clear?”

  “Yes, O’ Beautiful Zelda of the Poopy Crap Mouth,” Sponge Bob said with a chuckle as a few leaves fell from his branches and landed on Zelda’s head.

  Zelda brushed the leaves away and looked me over from head to toe. “So, you’re really healed? Because if you’re feeling iffy, I can repair anything the trees might have missed. As the Shifter Wanker, my specialty is accident-prone, furry numb-nuts, but I can help dryads too.”

  “I’m good. I’m great. And I’m alive thanks to you and the boys. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for saving my life. Thank you, Zelda.”

  “You’re welcome, Willow. It was a no fucking brainer. You’re a kickass chick, and I’m stuck with tree minions. Win, win. However, I’d like to keep my rapidly eroding reputation of being an uncaring witch intact, so let’s keep my good deed a secret,” she said with a wink.

  “My lips are sealed,” I told her with a grin.

  “So, here’s the plan,” Zelda said, snapping her fingers and conjuring up a notebook. “Keeping lists is more of a Sassy move, but there’s so much shit going on in the shitshow right now, I can barely keep it straight. You feel me?”

  I nodded in confusion. Zelda was a strange one with a healthy penchant towards mass destruction. Nodding was safest at this point. Even profane and violent, I really liked Zelda. I hadn’t had any female friends for decades. Her best friend Sassy was missing a few brain cells, but I liked her too.

  “Okay, try to follow me here,” Zelda said, squinting at the pages in her book. “Babayoconebra took off on a girl’s trip with her sister Cookie Witch, aka Marge, to stalk Madonna and Duran Duran. It’s incredibly shitty timing since Fabio has been lurking in the woods, stalking Zach. Fabdudio also needs a damn shower. Bermangoggleshitz, Sassy’s dad, has been keeping Fabio company, which will lead to a no-good or possible illegal merger. And yes, Bermangoggleshitz is a gas-inducing last name, but Sassy mated with Jeeves, whose last name is Pants, making her Sassy Pants. When she discovered her father, she took his name as well. She’s Sassy Bermangoggleshitz Pants now. She somehow thinks that’s better,” Zelda said with an eye roll that deserved an award.

  I was mute and completely unsure how to react. It didn’t matter. Zelda was on a roll.

  “So, having Babayobadtiming and Marge out of town sucks. Everything might be solved if Zach wasn’t acting like a shitball and would just acknowledge Fabio. Of course, my brother camping out under Sponge Bob for a month isn’t making any kind of reunion easier. I’m in a pickle here because with all the stinky idiots roaming around my yard, I can’t act out Mermaid Does the Sexy Sea Monster in the pool at night with Mac. I mean, with toddlers it’s difficult to find nookie time. We could always go to the Floating Nookie Hut, but that would mean I’d have to leave the noxious turds in charge of my babies. My sex life is completely cramped by odoriferous warlocks and it’s not working for me.”

  “I understood very little of that,” I said, wondering if Sponge Bob would mind if I came back for a visit immediately. However, staying out in the real world was beginning to appeal to me. Maybe. “Umm… why was Zach camped out under Sponge Bob for a month?”

  Zelda gave me an odd a look I couldn’t quite decipher. My face heated with embarrassment, and I wanted to take the question back. It was too late.

  “Guess you’ll have to ask Zach,” she said with a barely disguised grin. “Anyhoo, you’ll see the big picture soon enough. The shining light is Zorro. Thank the Goddess he’s here, or I would have turned my smelly pappy and reeking twin into toads and thrown them in the pond.”

  “Zorro’s alive?” I asked, a little breathlessly pushing away my ridiculous wishful thinking about Zach’s reasons for staying close to Sponge Bob. I leaned on my tree family so my knees didn’t buckle. Life was very good right now. All three of us had survived. That was all that mattered. “And Zorro’s here?”

  “Yep. I swear on the Goddess's gauchos, Zorro’s one hundred percent fine, and the town is in love with him.”

  The fact that Zorro was loved didn’t surprise me one bit. He was kind, loyal and hilarious. However, it did lead to another question. “Where exactly are we?”

  “Dude,” Zelda said with a laugh. “You have some catching up to do. But to answer your question, we’re in Assjacket, West Virginia.”

  I was pretty sure I’d heard her wrong. “Seriously?”

  “No,” she said with a shrug. “It’s not technically Assjacket, but it’s what I call it, and the name has kind of stuck. It’s catchy and accurate.”

  “What’s the real name of the tow
n?” I asked, curious.

  Zelda twisted her long red locks in her fingers and paused. “Honestly, I have no fucking clue, but as I said, Assjacket works perfectly.”

  I shrugged and smiled. “Got it. Assjacket it is. And is that your house on the hill?”

  “Yep and yours too for as long as you’d like. But again, let’s not let it get out that I invited you. Messes with the rep. Cool?”

  Tilting my head, I stared at her in confusion. “I’m not staying.”

  It was Zelda’s turn to look confused. “Of course, you are. You love Zach.”

  “Loved,” I lied through my teeth. It was incredibly difficult, but doable… and necessary. I did love Zach. The problem was that Zach only liked me. It was far past time to let go of unpractical fantasies that wouldn’t come true. Ten years was long enough. It was time for a new dream. “I mean, I still care for him as a friend, but not in any other way.”

  Zelda was speechless. Even in the short time I’d known her, I knew this was a rare occurrence.

  “Excuse me for a sec,” she choked out as she walked about twenty feet from the trees.

  With a clap of her hands and a slew of impressive profanities, she blew an enormous crater in the ground. The explosion shook the earth beneath my feet, and I leaned on the trees for balance. I briefly wondered if Zelda was putting in a pool, but I spotted a whole bunch of backyard pools and hot tubs in the distance. Maybe they loved swimming. Witches could be odd creatures.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Been better,” she admitted. “However, blowing shit up is very calming. You should try it.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” I told her. “Can I see Zorro?”

  Zelda nodded slowly. “Sure. He’s staying with me, too. What about Zach? In fifteen minutes, he won’t smell like a walking butt.”

  “Umm… possibly,” I said as my stomach somersaulted. I felt like sprinting into the woods to begin my Mick Jagger way of life immediately. Hell, I’d even wear spandex if I had to.

  “You also need to eat,” she pointed out.