Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight

by Robyn Peterman

  If you don’t find the furry fuckers

  I’ll dehair your big-ass, mom-jeans covered hide.”

  “Shit,” Zelda shouted as lightning blasted through the ceiling from the Heavens above. “Take cover!”

  Everyone dropped and scattered. However, the Goddess had excellent aim. Sassy’s ass was now on fire.

  “You think threatening to wax her crack was too much?” Sassy squealed, frantically scooting her smoldering bottom across the floor to put the flames out.

  “I’m gonna go with a yes on that one,” Zelda said, wiggling her fingers and dousing the flames. “You might want to ease up on the direct insults, dude.”

  “My ass says thanks for the advice,” Sassy replied with a groan.

  “Zach, would you like to finish up?” Zelda requested.

  “Umm… no,” he said, looking up at the charred hole in the ceiling and grinning in disbelief. “However, I will. Leaving it like that probably isn’t wise.”

  “I second the motion,” Mac said, from behind the chair.

  “I’ll go on record as a third,” I volunteered from under the couch.

  “Roger that,” Zach said with a chuckle as he began.

  Goddess on high, sorry about that,

  Sassy’s prowess with foreign language clearly fell a bit flat.

  Please bring the cats home, our friends are in danger,

  In your debt we shall be, and we’ll work on Sassy’s spells and make them less, umm… stranger.

  So mote it be.

  “Strong finish,” Sassy congratulated Zach as she rubbed her backside gingerly.

  “How’s your ass?” Zelda asked Sassy.

  “Been better, but thankfully I’m going commando so I didn’t lose a good pair of panties,” she replied and went back to work on the dollhouse.

  Sassy’s admission caused one minute and thirty-seven seconds of appalled silence. She was outstanding at stopping a conversation dead in its tracks.

  “Will the spell work?” I asked, crawling out from under the couch.

  “Eventually,” Zelda said with a nod. “However, I have an idea of who might be able to help you in the meantime. Someone who has money to spare. He probably knows other people who have that kind of money and are stupid enough to throw it away on a shitty community theatre show.”

  Relief washed over me. “You do?”

  “Who is it? Is he a criminal?” Zach questioned, eyeing his sister.

  “Umm… define criminal,” she said.

  “Someone who breaks the law,” Zach said dryly.

  “Then yes,” Zelda conceded with a goofy grin. “However, he’s been toeing the line for a while now. I’d have to call him a reformed criminal who likes to steal from the rich and give to the poor.”

  “Like Robin Hood?” I asked, getting confused.

  “Yep,” Zelda said. “But with stickier fingers and very good taste in designer clothes.”

  “Name,” Zach said. “Give me his name. Please.”

  Zelda gave her brother an odd look. “You’re not gonna like the answer.”

  “Don’t care,” Zach said flatly. “Is it possible this person is the investor?”

  “No way,” Zelda said with absolute conviction. “The person I’m talking about loves Roger and Bob. He wouldn’t harm a hair on what's left of Bob’s unibrow.”

  “But he can help us?” Zach pressed.

  “I believe so.”

  “Excellent,” Zach said, blowing out a relieved sigh. “Give me his name. I’ll deal with him myself.”

  “You will?” Zelda inquired casually. Way too casually. “You will personally deal with the idiot who has that kind of money and who could possibly save you from being a grunting kidney and protect Bob and Roger at the same time?”

  Zach narrowed his eyes at his sister. They were the flip side of each other. Identical except for gender and height. She was up to something. That much was clear. But what she was up to was anyone’s guess. Zelda was a nutbag.

  “Yes,” Zach hissed. “I will personally deal with someone who will help us make sure that no one puts cement shoes on Roger and Bob and throws them in the river. And if it means I don’t have to grunt like a kidney, it will be well worth it.”

  “You’re sure?” Zelda asked, smiling wider.

  “Quite,” Zach shot back. “Who is it?”

  “He’s the former artistic director of the Assjacket Theatre,” she said cryptically. “He gave up the job recently because his batshit crazy gal pal likes to travel a lot.”

  “Awesome! Maybe he’ll be more understanding,” I said, unsure where the hell the conversation was going. “He can possibly help us convince the investor to let us make a payment plan. Or maybe he’ll pay it and we can pay him back. I have 20K in the bank I can donate and I can start teaching botany again to make up the rest. Might take me a while, but I’m all in.”

  Zach glanced over at me and smiled. “You’re beautiful.”

  A blush started at my chest and rose quickly to my cheeks.

  “I have about fifty thousand in the bank,” Zach said still smiling at me. “We can knock out the debt together.”

  “Together,” I agreed.

  “Yesssssssss,” Zelda sang, looking between the two of us with delight.

  “Not so fast, sister of mine,” Zach said with a grin that matched hers. “Willow and I are taking baby steps and getting to know each other without a curse or a nightmare of a voodoo witch involved. Apparently, I need to like myself to win the hand of the dryad.”

  “Love,” I corrected him with a raised brow.

  “Impossible,” he shot back with a grin.

  “Nope. A tiny bit improbable. Not impossible,” I reminded him. “And while you learn to love yourself, I’ll find my hairy magical beans.”

  “Are you speaking Chinese?” Sassy asked, glancing up at me from the dollhouse.

  “Yep, it means balls.”

  “As in the kind you bounce?” Sassy asked. “Or are we talking dangly bits, gangoolies, nickel ticklers, giggle berries, hanging fun bags…”

  “Sweet Goddess in a boob tube and Bermuda shorts,” Zelda shouted with her sparking hands aimed at Sassy. “I am going to zap you bald and give you a freaking tail, dude. Enough with the ball talk.”

  “One more?” Sassy requested with a wide grin.

  Zelda rolled her eyes dramatically and smiled in spite of herself. “One. Only one.”

  Sassy giggled, stood up and took a small bow in advance of her final testicle term. “Wrinkled skin grapes,” Sassy announced and then went right back to rearranging Audrey’s dollhouse.

  Mac laughed. “On that educational note, I’m going to check on the kids.”

  “I’ll be up in a minute or two,” Zelda told him with a wink.

  I was pretty sure we’d interrupted naptime-nookie time. Damn, Zelda couldn’t catch a break with all of us living here. We should probably see if there were any places to rent in Assjacket. Wearing out our welcome would be rude.

  “Where’s Zorro?” Sassy asked, looking around.

  “He went back to the community center,” Zach said, glancing at his watch. “Should’ve been here by now, but he probably got to talking to someone.”

  I nodded and put my arm around Zach’s waist. I’d figured the same thing. Zorro could have a conversation with a wall and the wall would be ecstatic and forever in his fan club. Zorro was that charming.

  Zelda turned her attention back to Zach and me, and squealed. She danced around the room and laughed like a crazy witch. “Baby steps with the dryad of your dreams,” she said, pointing to Zach. “I love it. However, learning to love yourself is going to suck ass. Been there. Done that. I’d suggest going to Roger. You’ll want to headbutt him, but he’s really good—and I’ll deny saying that.”

  “Done,” Zach said, glancing down at me with a grin. “Willow has set us up for couples therapy.”

  “Jeeves and I did a few sessions with Roger,” Sassy volunteered. “That little mother
humpin’ bunny made me realize that I’m not stupid, just a little left of centrality.”

  “You mean center?” I asked and then slapped my hand over my mouth, prepared to be horrified.

  Just when I thought I had Sassy pegged….

  “Nope,” Sassy said. “Centrality. It’s Swahili and means the quality of being essential or of great importance. So, it’s okay that I’m not the sharpest broom in the linen closet. I’m still worthwhile.”

  Zelda walked over to Sassy and wrapped her arms around her. Whispering something in her ear, Sassy kissed Zelda’s cheek and hugged her back. It was simple, real and beautiful. Their adoration of each other reminded me of Zorro’s and my friendship.

  “Enough of the sappy shit,” Zelda said, disengaging herself from her BFF and zoning right back in on Zach and me. “In order to love yourself, you have to let go of shit.”

  “First of all, I’m going for liking myself before I can commit to getting into a deeper relationship with myself,” Zach said with an eye roll that was as impressive as his sister’s. “And what the hell does that have to do with anything?”

  “A lot,” she replied.

  “Want to be less cryptic?” he inquired, getting annoyed.

  “Dude, I’ve missed out on years of pissing you off,” Zelda complained. “Cut me some slack here. I’m having a good time.”

  “You are a complete pain in my ass,” Zach said, trying to keep a straight face.

  He failed.

  “Thank you,” Zelda replied as she did a horrifying rendition of the Running Man move. “I’m winning.”

  Zach laughed at his sister’s excitement and ran his hands through his hair. “No more games. Who is the person who can help us?”

  “Fabio.”

  Uh oh. This was not good… or maybe it was good.

  “Your father?” Zach said, sounding incredibly tired.

  “Our father,” Zelda corrected him as she crossed her arms over her chest and watched her brother closely.

  Zach paled slightly then glared at his sister. “I don’t have a father, Zelda. I have a sperm donor to whom I owe nothing and he owes nothing in return,” he said flatly. “I don’t hate the man. I just don’t want him in my life.”

  “Why? Zach, he didn’t know about us,” Zelda said softly.

  Zach shrugged and a flash of pain crossed his expression so quickly, I wasn’t sure that it had happened. However, his body went rigid. I could read his feelings of worthlessness loud and clear. “No reason,” he said in a clipped tone. “Just is the way it is.”

  “Zach, you’re right,” I said as Zelda’s eyes grew wide with disappointment and surprise. I held up my hand before she could contradict me. I continued, choosing my words carefully. “You owe Fabio nothing, nor does he owe you. But I think you owe it to yourself to at least get to know him a little bit. If you like him, great. If you don’t, you lose nothing. However, there might be something to gain for both of you.”

  Zach ran his hands through his hair and expelled a very long slow breath. The tension in his body was obvious and his magic was very close to the surface. My warlock was a ticking time bomb of pain.

  “The only thing to gain from the man is the name of the investor if he knows who it is, or at the very least a list of possibilities,” Zach ground out between clenched teeth. “Other than that, I’d like to kick his ass.”

  “Mmkay, it’s a start. Violence is an excellent jumping-off point,” Zelda said. “Look, when he was my cat, I ran over him three times with my car and considered dropping him off at the pound before we worked it all out. Plus, I saw him naked. It was fucking horrifying. Took me forever to call him dad after seeing his junk. If you want, you can use the term Fabdudio—kind of a combo of Fabio and Dad. It works for me.”

  “I’ll stick with Zelda’s dad for the time being,” Zach said.

  “That works too,” Zelda said with a grin. “He answers to pretty much anything.”

  “How about calling him Fabio?” I suggested, going for something that wouldn’t incite a smackdown in the first two minutes of a meeting. “Or sperm donor, if Fabio is too personal. Our goal is to get a name so Bob and Roger don’t die. Keep the end game in mind.”

  Zach turned to me. He looked like a lost child, unsure what to do. He didn’t think he was good enough for Fabio in the same way he didn’t think he was good enough for me. My heart clenched and I immediately moved to him and held him tight. His body was stiff and unyielding. I hugged tighter and he finally relaxed and hugged me back.

  “You make it all okay,” he whispered. “You make me okay.”

  “No,” I whispered back. “You will make you okay, and I will be here to love you while you figure it out.”

  “You’ll come with me to see Zelda’s dad?” he asked.

  Smiling, I realized I’d lost the name war. It didn’t matter. We were about to take the first baby step in Zach learning to love himself and letting shit go. If he ended up having a relationship with Fabio, that was wonderful. If he didn’t, that was fine too as long as it was his choice and not because he didn't think he was worthy. “Yes, I will be at your side when you talk to Zelda’s dad.”

  “Awesome,” Zelda said, yanking Sassy up off of the floor and pushing all of us out the front door. “I need to get laid and you all need to get some names so we can start begging for Bob and Roger’s lives. Here’s Fabio’s address. Have fun and let me know how it goes.”

  On that loving parting note, she shoved a piece of paper into Zach’s hands and slammed the door shut on us.

  “How about I go find Zorro and take him for a ride on my broom?” Sassy suggested.

  “Umm… how about you find him and let him know we’re going to see Fabio?” I countered. I’d seen Sassy fly. You couldn’t pay me to get on her broom, and I certainly didn't wish that on my bestie.

  “On it,” Sassy said, hopping on her broom. “I’ll find him and fly him over to my place for the evening so Zelda and Mac can bang in peace. You guys go kick Fabio’s butt and get some names. If we have names, I’ll know who to wax. Remember to take pictures!” She zipped off and Zach and I watched her almost crash into a tree.

  “She’s going to wax the investor?” Zach asked, wincing as Sassy strafed the top of Sponge Bob then flew off towards town.

  “Apparently,” I said with a pained laugh. “Sassy’s unique.”

  “And violent,” Zach added.

  I laughed again. “Says the man who wants to kick his sperm donor’s ass.”

  Zach chuckled and shrugged. “I just…”

  “You don’t need to explain unless you want to,” I told him.

  He nodded and smiled. “You’re perfect, Willow.”

  “Not even close,” I said with a giggle.

  “For me,” Zach said softly. “You are perfect for me.”

  Zach leaned into me with clear intention in his eyes. My breath caught in my throat and I met him in the middle. I would always meet him in the middle. This was a little more than a baby step, but I couldn't resist the way the touch of his lips on mine made me feel. I melted into the kiss that I’d been waiting for my whole life.

  As Zach deepened the kiss, the world fell away and my body tingled from head to toe. It was slow and insistent and passionate. The sounds he made sent my brain right to places that included far more than kissing. Our tongues tangled in a sensual dance and our bodies pressed so close there was no space left between us.

  “Goddess, Willow,” Zach said in a rough voice as he pulled back from the kiss with effort. “I want you so badly it hurts.”

  I nodded jerkily. Speech was impossible. My heart pounded so loudly in my chest, I was sure all of Assjacket could hear it. I was on Cloud Nine and wasn’t coming down any time soon.

  “Now, it’s up to me to deal with my shit and get into a semi-functional relationship with myself,” he said, gently cupping my cheek in his hand. “I can’t promise to have a relationship with Fabio like Zelda has, but my sister is correct. I need to let
shit go. We’re starting now. You with me?” he asked, looking worried.

  “All the way,” I told him, turning my head and kissing the palm of his hand. “I’m in all the way.”

  Chapter Ten

  Zelda’s dad’s house was lovely. It had previously belonged to his dearly departed and much-loved sister Hildy—a healer witch like Zelda, Zach and Fabio. Hildy had left the house to Zelda in her will, and Zelda had given it to her dad when she'd mated with Mac and moved into his place.

  My breath caught in my throat when I saw it. It was as if the house had walked straight out of my dreams and plopped itself down in Assjacket, West Virginia. The white Victorian had a wraparound porch dotted with rocking chairs and charming turrets. Perfumed wildflowers and rose bushes covered the grounds and huge trees shaded the beautiful home. Touching one of the large oaks, I smiled. The trees were happy here. I could feel their contented hum.

  “He doesn’t know we’re coming,” Zach said tightly, taking in the house and the property. His tension was through the roof. “This is a very bad plan.”

  “Did Zelda give you his phone number?” I asked, pulling out my phone. “We could hide in the trees and call him. See if he’s home.”

  At that very moment, Fabio walked out of the front door and stood on the porch. His handsome face was so like his son’s. The smile he wore was tentative and unsure, but it was welcoming.

  “Don’t think we have to call,” I said with a quick, friendly wave to Fabio. I took Zach’s hand and pulled him toward the house.

  It was similar to dragging a cement boulder.

  “He doesn’t bite,” I whispered.

  “Right,” Zach said. “And if he does, I’ll zap the shit out of him.”

  “Good plan,” I said with a laugh.

  Zach’s steps slowed. “I feel strange.” He sounded more like a little boy than a grown man.

  I stopped tugging him along and stared up into his sparkling green eyes. They were the same eyes as the man on the porch who watched our every move. “I can talk to Fabio if you want to stay here.”

  Zach shook his head and blew out a resigned breath. “No. We’re here for Bob and Roger. I’m not here for a come to the Goddess with my sperm donor. I can do this.”