Alive Again

by Emma Tharp

  She folds her hands in front of her. There’s gooseflesh covering the pale skin of her arms and there’s something in her green eyes I’ve never seen before when she’s been with me. It’s fear. “I’m sorry,” she says just above a whisper.

  “You’re sorry. Really? For what? Leaving me and making me think you were dead somewhere on the side of the road? For making me think that I did something so wrong and inexcusable that I didn’t even deserve a conversation, a fucking phone call? That it never occurred to you that it’d be a good idea to clue me—your husband—in on what’s going on with you? Are you sorry for any of that?” I move to stand behind my office chair so I have something to grip, to ground me here.

  “I never wanted to hurt you, Patrick. I love you.”

  “Just stop.” Anger bubbles up through me and it’s all of a sudden too damn much for me right now. I’m overloaded with emotion and I haven’t got a clue what to do with it all. “I need a minute. I should be ready to talk in the morning, but I can’t do it now. Sleep on the couch if you want to, or go. It doesn’t matter.” I leave my office and yank off my tie as I run up the stairs to Maeve’s room.

  Carsen is just putting Maeve into her crib. My baby is tired and content. I bend down to kiss her goodnight. She’s my one perfect constant and I am forever grateful for her. I can only hope that the arrival of Maggie will be a positive in her life; we can only wait and see.

  Carsen and I turn to leave Maeve’s room and we go into the hallway. Carsen’s eyes search mine, as if I know what I should say. I’m terrible at expressing myself in the best of situations and here we are now at the absolute worst.

  “Are you okay?” she asks. Of course she’s concerned about me. Always thinking of herself last.

  “I don’t know what the hell I am anymore,” I tell her and the tenderness in her expression makes me want to cry, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to let her see that.

  Nodding, she breaks eye contact and hangs her head down. “If you need to talk…”

  “No,” I cut her off. “I can’t talk right now.” My words have a sharp edge.

  “What does this mean for us, Patrick?” Her voice is shaky and fat tears stream down her cheeks.

  If only I was equipped to handle all of this. I’m really fucking not. It’s unbearable to see her crying in front of me, but I’m a weak man and all I can do is attempt to figure my own shit out before I can give anything to anyone. “I don’t know what this means, Carsen.” I run my thumb under her eye and ache for her, for us.

  She straightens up and smoothes her dress down. “Got it. Goodnight.” And she turns and walks away toward her room. It doesn’t feel right. I want to yell to her to come to my room with me so I can hold her all night and fuck away all of the pain I’m feeling. But that wouldn’t be fair to her. I’m not going to use her to dampen my emotions. Instead, I go to my room and close the door behind me and turn the lock.

  A fitful night of tossing and turning does nothing for my mood. It’s six a.m. and sleep still won’t take me. It was two a.m. when I got up and went for a run. An hour of pounding the pavement tamped down the rage marginally but when I got home and saw that Carsen’s car was gone, a new wave of frustration washed over me. She must have seen Maggie asleep on the couch and thought it was okay to leave Maeve alone with her, or maybe she didn’t know that I left the house. What did I expect after the way I treated her last night, for her to sit by and watch as Maggie and I hashed out our shit? No, I don’t blame her at all for leaving, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s amazing how quickly I was drawn to her and how fast our relationship escalated. I saw us together for the long haul. What a foolish man I am.

  I go through the motions of the morning, get Maeve up, feed her, change her, and dress her for the day. Maggie was in the shower while I was taking care of our daughter, and it seems odd that she didn’t want to be a part of it since she’s been gone for six months. I drop Maeve off at my next door neighbor Tillie’s house and tell her I’ll be back soon to pick her up.

  At home, Maggie is sitting in the kitchen looking at her phone and sipping coffee at the kitchen island. Her hair is wet, making the back of her cream colored top wet almost see through. Before she took off and left me, I’d come up behind her and put my arms around her waist and kiss her until we’d go upstairs and make love. There’ll be none of that today. “Are you ready to talk?” I ask, my tone neutral.

  Swinging her head around to look at me, she nods, concern etched in her features. She moves to get up.

  “No, stay there. I’ll get a cup of coffee and sit there with you.” I figure sitting will be less confrontational. Last night escalated fast, and I don’t want that to happen today. Opening the cupboard, I grab a mug, fill it, and sit on the barstool two down from Maggie.

  “I’m sorry things got so out of hand last night. You caught me off guard and I wasn’t ready for it. Why don’t you start?” I say.

  “You don’t need to apologize to me. I want you to know how very sorry I am. I know there aren’t enough words to formulate the right apology, but I regret everything.,” she says, unblinking, her emerald eyes, so much like Maeve’s, trained on me.

  I take a sip of my coffee and wait for her to go on.

  “The last thing I wanted was to hurt you, Patrick. I love you. More than anything.” Her voice starts to waver.

  Wait. What? She loves me more than anything but yet she could still walk out on me. Breathe, Patrick, breathe. “You might see how ironic that sounds. Saying you love me but you left me anyway.”

  Running her fingers through her wet hair, she shakes her head. “This isn’t coming out right.”

  “Well, then, why don’t you start at the beginning? What the hell happened on the day you decided to walk out that door and never so much as leave me a note? Let’s start there.” I can’t help the bitterness that oozes off my words.

  “Right. Of course,” she sighs, her chest rises and falls with it. “The day I left was the hardest day of my life, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice.”

  There’s always a choice. What the hell did she do? “I don’t understand.”

  Holding up her hand, she says, “Let me explain. This isn’t easy for me to say out loud, so please try and be patient with me.”

  I give her a curt nod all the while my mind is reeling. Did she cheat on me? With who?

  “After we had Maeve, I kept trying to feel something. For her.” She shivers and crosses her arms in front of her and rubs her shoulders. “I watched you fall in love with her and you glided into fatherhood effortlessly. It wasn’t like that for me.”

  Thinking back to after Maeve was born, Maggie was tired more often, so I would feed her and change her. I loved taking care of our baby and didn’t think twice when she asked me to do dad duties. We were new parents adjusting to taking care of another life; we were busy as ever. Maybe I was on autopilot. “What was it like for you, Maggie?” This time my tone isn’t cold, just curious.

  “You know, I have friends with babies and watched them bond. It seems like their hearts are full. That’s how you are. Not me. The maternal instinct didn’t kick in, and she was almost six months old. What the hell is wrong with me?” She lets out a sob and reaches across the island to get a napkin. She dabs at the corner of her eyes.

  Damn. How did I miss this? I’ve never heard of a mother not bonding with her children. My brothers and I are the most important people in my mother’s life. She would do anything for her children. “I never noticed,” I admit.

  She moves one stool over so there’s only one between us now. “It was all too much for me. And if I’m honest, I don’t like sharing you. There, I said it.” She looks me directly in the eye when she says this.

  What does she want me to say about that? “We tried for so long to have her. Why even try if you didn’t want to be a mother?”

  “Because you wanted kids so much. I thought I’d get used to the idea. And when I couldn’t do it anymore, I left you guy
s. I thought being away from her would make me miss her, but I didn’t.” There’s stress in her voice.

  I give her an incredulous stare. “Oh my God. Then why did you come back here?”

  Standing up, she comes over to me and lays her hands on my chest. “I missed you. So much.”

  Rising up out of my seat, it squeaks across the hardwood, making a menacing noise similar to the thoughts in my head. “Don’t touch me.”

  Her mouth falls open and she looks like I just slapped her in the face. “Wait. Don’t you still love me and want me? I want you.”

  She’s such a narcissist. Backing away from her, I say, “How would that work out? We have Maeve now. She needs a mother. Are you saying you want me, but you don’t want to be her mom?”

  Maggie’s eyes seem to be bulging out of her head and a tremor wracks her body.

  What do I do? I want my family intact. Doesn’t Maeve deserve that? “Maggie.”

  “Can we try again? You owe it to us,” she says.

  “I owe it us? You lost the right to say that when you left me.”

  “Did you find someone else?” she asks.

  “This is crazy. You leave me and come back whenever the hell you please and think you have the right to question me?” I bite the words out.

  “Please, Patrick. One more try, for me.” She’s wringing her hands in front of her and she’s fidgeting. I’ve never seen her act this way, on the edge of desperation.

  “What about Maeve?”

  Edging her way closer to me again, I don’t move this time. “We can figure it out,” she says. Her hands move up my shoulders, and she goes up on her toes and presses her lips to mine. It’s all wrong. When her tongue glides along mine, I wait to feel something, anything, but I don’t. It’d be easier if I did. Our family could be back together again. Or could it? It’s as if a giant light bulb goes off in my head.

  Pulling away, I say, “I don’t think this is going to work out. Somewhere in the past six months, I fell out of love with you and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to come back.”

  “Are you sure? We could work on it. I’ll do anything.” She’s sobbing now and I don’t want to make things worse, but she has to understand that I’m done.

  “I’m sorry.” Walking to the tissue box, I get her a couple and hand them to her. “If one day you decide that you’d like to be a mom to Maeve, we can work that out. But now is time to let me go. I’m filing for divorce.”

  Now I can only hope that Carsen will forgive me for acting like an idiot and take me back.

  11

  Carsen

  “Want me to get you a glass of wine? I have a bottle of red open,” Lettie says as we make our way into her kitchen. She reached out to me today and invited me over. I guess she’s heard the news.

  “That would be great, thanks,” I say and take a seat at her kitchen table.

  Placing an almost full glass in front of me, she must know I need it. “You don’t look like you’ve been sleeping.” Lettie gives me a sad smile and takes the seat across from me, setting her wine down in front of her.

  “I haven’t. What have you heard?”

  “Only that Maggie is back. Patrick hasn’t returned Braeden’s calls. He only texted him and told him that he’s got everything covered and he’s working from home for a couple of days.” She reaches for my hand across the table and gives it a squeeze.

  “When are you two leaving for your honeymoon?” I ask. I was surprised when she called and invited me over because I thought they would be gone by now.

  Lettie takes a couple of healthy sips of wine and sets the glass in front of her. “Not until tomorrow morning. Braeden has been at the office trying to get everything squared away before we leave. But I’m done packing and am ready to go. I’ve got all day to chat.”

  “Thank you so much for having me over. It’s been a rough two days,” I sigh and rub the tender flesh under my eyes, red and puffy from crying. “Did you see Maggie at all?”

  “I never saw her at the reception, but Jackson did. He told Brae yesterday. We’re all in shock,” Lettie says. “I couldn’t help but think of you and how you must be handling it.”

  Blinking rapidly, I do my best not to let the water works start up. “It hasn’t been easy for me. And when we were here last weekend for dinner, you read our body language and could tell that we had chemistry. It was crazy how quickly the two of us connected. It caught us both off guard.”

  “I knew I wasn’t imagining it.” She smacks her hand down on the table. “I told Braeden and he was surprised; he didn’t really notice, but I knew.”

  “You’re very perceptive because we were trying to keep it quiet since it was so new. After that night, we were inseparable with the exception of when Patrick was at work. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get attached to him or the baby. And playing house with a married man was just stupid. I’m such a silly girl.” My stomach sinks even thinking about Patrick and Maeve and how close I was to having them both in my life.

  Lettie waves a finger in my direction. “No, no. Don’t do that. You can’t blame yourself for having feelings for them. And you and I both know that you and Patrick have chemistry, and you’re consenting adults. Why wouldn’t you explore that?”

  The only answer I have is the woman that’s currently sleeping in the same bed as I did last week. It’s Maggie. If I’m honest with myself, her ghost was always there in the house with us, I just chose to ignore it. “When we talked about Maggie, I got the sense that he was finally getting over her. And when he took off his wedding band, I took that as a good sign. Was I wrong for moving forward with him?”

  “No, you’ve got to stop doubting yourself. No one could have known that she was going to show up here. Tell me how it all went down. Don’t leave anything out.”

  So I start from the moment I realized it was Maggie standing there in front of us and that my world was crumbling around me. And how he introduced me as Maeve’s nanny and not his girlfriend or lover. The awkward car ride home and how when I asked him where he saw him and me, he told me that he didn’t know. He looked so conflicted; it was written all over his face. Of course he’s going to want her back. Why wouldn’t he want to make it work and have his family back? “So I left in the middle of the night. When he never came to my room to see how I was or to talk it out, I packed up my things and took off. They needed privacy and me being there wasn’t good for anyone.” The tears run hot down my cheeks now and I do nothing to stop them.

  Getting out of her chair to come sit next to me, Lettie wraps me up in a hug. “Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry.”

  And she lets me cry. I don’t know how long, but when I pull back and wipe the back of my hand under my eyes, I say, “What do I do now?”

  “Have you heard from him?” she asks.

  “No. I texted him to tell him that he’d need to find another nanny, but I haven’t heard anything back. It’s been two days.” I sniff and wipe at my nose. I’m such a mess.

  Walking out of the room, she returns in seconds with a box of tissues that she sets in front of me. “If I know anything about Patrick, it’s that he’s a thinker and he won’t do anything rash. Give him some time.”

  “I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to wait. Part of me wants to apply to out-of-state schools just so I can get out of here. Maybe even move to New York with my brother.” Taking a tissue out of the box, I fold it up and dab my damp cheeks with it.

  “Please don’t do anything rash. It’s clear that he cares about you. I can’t even imagine what’s going through his mind. Must’ve been like seeing a ghost,” she says, looking off in the distance.

  “That’s exactly what he looked like when he saw her. I knew immediately that it was her, based on the pictures I’d seen and by Patrick’s reaction. He turned pale and his jaw hung open. I’m sure that’s how I looked, too.”

  “I bet. What’s your plan now?” Lettie asks.

  Great question. What can I do? I don’t even know what
I want. A conversation is a good place to start. “Any advice? He hurt me when he shut me out. Maybe he isn’t the right man for me.”

  “You guys need to talk to each other. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’ll call you and you should pick up. I wish I could tell you what he’s going to say, but I have no idea. What I do know is that what I saw between the two of you was very real; he won’t be able to forget that,” Lettie says in a soothing tone. Even if Patrick and I don’t end up together, I’ll stay in touch with Scarlette. Since the day I met her, she’s been someone I’ve been comfortable confiding in.

  “Thank you for having me over today. I’ve got quite a bit of thinking to do.” Standing to get up, I take a deep breath and smooth my hair back.

  Lettie gets up and wraps me up in a long hug. “Stay in touch, okay?”

  “Of course. Have a wonderful honeymoon. Please don’t worry about me while you’re gone.”

  There’s a part of me that wants to show up at Patrick’s house unannounced and demand he let me in so that we can talk. Of course, it’s an absolutely ridiculous idea. I would never do that; I’ve got too much respect for him. That’s what stings the most. I care for him and Maeve and would never want to do anything that could possibly ruin their chances at getting their family back together even though it hurts like hell.

  It’s been three long days without so much as a word from him. I’m back at my mother’s house, but she’s been working or sleeping since I got back. And Jake has a social life and a part-time job, so he’s been gone most of the time as well.

  Looking for a new job has been disappointing. Trying to find a position that works with my school schedule is proving to be difficult, but I know something will turn up. To keep busy I’ve done some painting, mainly of Maeve because it makes me happy to recreate the pictures I took of her and think about the time we got to spend together.

  I’m in the middle of painting a picture of Maeve with a single blade of grass in her hand and her strawberry blonde hair blowing in the breeze when a text alert goes off on my phone. Wiping my hands on my apron, I pick up the phone and see that it’s Cole telling me he’s sorry and hopes we can meet up. He hasn’t reached out since the night at Patrick’s house. A shiver runs down my spine at the memory of the encounter. I won’t be returning his text and it’d make me feel better if I got my number changed. Everything about Cole creeps me out now and since I don’t have Patrick around to protect me anymore, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. A trip to the mall is in order to get my number changed and I’m going to the sporting goods store to buy pepper spray. I don’t want to have to use it, but it’ll make me feel safer.