What Madeline Wants

by Linda Style

  “Great.” J.D. didn’t look at her. “When?”

  Her eyes went to the letter again. “Three weeks. Ohmygod. Three weeks.” Her hands flew to her face and suddenly, in that single moment, she realized what that meant. It meant saying goodbye to J.D.

  “So let’s celebrate. I’ve got champagne.” He took her hand and led her back to the house.

  Somewhere she found a smile. This was the moment she’d been waiting for, her dream come true. A fantastic job, great pay, adventure and excitement. She was the luckiest woman in the world. She was happy, excited, delirious…wasn’t she?

  He brought her to his room, and asked her to wait while he went to the closet and pulled out a bag from which he took a bottle of champagne and two glasses. “You always keep champagne in your room?”

  “No. I bought it for this very occasion.” He took her hand and led her down the hall again. “Let’s go to your room, it’s more comfortable.”

  She followed along, happy to be with him, but not as happy as she thought she’d be at hearing the good news. Because the good news also meant she’d be leaving Tripplehorne Ranch. Not only wouldn’t she see J.D. again, she wouldn’t see Zelda or Juana or Carlos. She wouldn’t see Benito. Her heart ached at the thought. They’d truly become her family.

  Inside her room, J.D. set down the glasses, popped the cork and poured the champagne. “Hope you don’t mind that it’s a bit warm.”

  Her heart bumped. His sweet, sweet attempt to celebrate this moment—her moment—touched her very soul. She moistened her lips and her voice shook a little when she said softly, “Not at all. I like it better that way.”

  He held up his glass. “To New York. To your new job and an exciting future… To the most amazing woman I know.”

  Tears welled, tears of happiness, she guessed. What else could they be? Lifting her glass to his, she said, “To what we’ve accomplished in the past few weeks. That’s amazing.”

  Their eyes met and they sipped their drinks, and when they’d finished, she set her glass on the dresser next to the bed and held her hand out to him. “As much as I like champagne, I know of a better way to celebrate.”

  MADDY PULLED INTO the driveway at Annie and Grady’s place, her emotions in flux. The past three days had been hell and she’d never felt more confused. Annie greeted her from the door where she was waiting.

  “Hi, sweetie,” Annie said, giving Maddy a hug after she came in.

  Annie’s house was like Annie herself. The soft, warm colors and sink-into-me furniture reflected her warmth and kindness.

  They settled in the family room where Annie had set out some iced tea and cookies.

  “Okay. I have the information you wanted,” Annie said without preamble. “Through Housing and Urban Development and some other agencies like the Comité de Bienestar, federal funding for sewer, water and wastewater in the colonias may be available.” She tapped a ream of papers and a large manila envelope on the coffee table. “And the information you requested from the University of Arizona on the ESL teaching programs also came.”

  “Great.” Maddy managed a weak smile.

  “Okay—” Annie crossed her arms and leaned back against the puffy couch pillows. “What’s wrong?”

  In the short time Maddy had been in Los Rios, she and Annie had bonded like sisters. Annie had been the first to agree that something needed to be done in the colonias and she’d supported Maddy all the way.

  Maddy poured them both a glass of tea. “I don’t know. I just feel so lacking in energy. I don’t know what’s the matter with me.”

  Her friend’s eyebrows scooted up. “You’re not—”

  “No! Of course not.” Not that the thought hadn’t entered her head when she’d fantasized about spending the rest of her life on the ranch with J.D.

  “Are you depressed?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so. Though it depresses me to think about leaving here when there’s so much to do.”

  “It’ll get done. I’ll make sure of it.”

  “I know you will. It’s not that…it’s just that I won’t be a part of it.”

  “But you’ll always be a part of it. If it weren’t for you, none of this would be happening. And now, you’ll be part of something else, something very important with all those diplomats and heads of state in New York.”

  “I’ll have to prove myself first. Probably start by working with students or something.”

  “Well, you gotta begin somewhere. It’s going to be so exciting!”

  “I’ll miss you.”

  Annie leaned over and gave Maddy a squeeze. “I’ll miss you, too.” She sighed. “You can’t imagine how much.” Then Annie pressed her lips together. “There’s always vacation time. You can stay here. And we can visit you. I’d love to see New York.”

  “I feel like I need to be here to finish what I began. I want to be here.”

  “Even more than fulfilling your lifelong dream?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know.” Somehow the dream didn’t seem so important anymore.

  “You’re in love with J.D., aren’t you?”

  Maddy’s eyes filled with tears. She nodded. “Uh-huh.”

  “Is it mutual?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  JUANA AND CARLOS had been given the weekend off, and J.D. spent most of it pounding nails. He was a man possessed, Maddy thought. Which didn’t make sense, since he’d found a crew to start working for him the middle of next week. In the past few days, he’d barely talked to her and she desperately missed the closeness they’d developed.

  But she knew why. People leave.

  The craftsmen he’d contracted came on Saturday to put the finishing touches on the kitchen, and on Sunday, she decided to spend some time by herself. In the morning, she took a long walk in the desert, took a leisurely bath and then stayed in her room to read some of the books she’d brought with her. As she was reading, it occurred to her that her goal in taking this job had been fulfilled. She’d gotten her life back. She had control. She was in charge. Suddenly she was acutely aware of what she needed to do. Focus on the goal. A new goal. No risk, no reward.

  On Monday morning, she returned from jogging, energized and ready to get things done. With the letter from the personnel director in hand, Maddy went into the kitchen and picked up the new phone they’d installed. Nervous, she punched in the number.

  Glancing around as she waited for someone to answer, she felt enormous pride at how wonderfully the kitchen had turned out. It looked just the way it did in the photograph she’d seen of J.D.’s grandmother cooking for guests when the ranch had been at its peak. The room felt warm and inviting with its rich woods and warm adobe floor. She’d chosen golds and creams and rust for the tablecloth, the cushions on the chairs and the curtains. She could imagine J.D. as a boy playing at his grandmother’s feet, watching her make coffee.

  It took a while to get through to the director who’d signed the letter. She introduced herself and explained why she was calling.

  J.D. came into the room just as she was finishing. He seemed uncomfortable and went to the refrigerator to get out a bottle of orange juice. Silently, he gestured to ask if she wanted some. She nodded, then continued her conversation.

  “Yes. I know. I’m sorry the job took so long to come through. I had to take another position and I’m now unable to take the position you offered.”

  She’d barely hung up the phone when J.D. slammed the juice bottle on the counter and swung around, fire in his eyes. “I hope to hell that wasn’t what it sounded like.”

  “It is,” she said simply. “I decided not to take the job. I’m staying in Los Rios.”

  “That’s plain ridiculous! It’s what you’ve worked for, what you dreamed about, everything you ever wanted. Are you crazy?”

  “I’ve never been more lucid.” She walked to the cabinet, got down a glass to pour herself some juice and then went out to the veranda.

  He followed on her he
els, the door banging shut behind him. “I don’t believe it. How can you do this?”

  They stood at the railing. Why was he so angry? Was the thought of her staying in Los Rios so abhorrent? “I’ll finish my contract here, and then I’ll move out. I’m checking on a small apartment in town and I’ve secured information to get a grant to set up classes to teach survival English to the migrant workers. My hope is that a few of them will want to learn how to teach as well.”

  Shock. That was the look on his face. “I don’t understand,” he muttered. “You told your mother. You told me. You told everyone how much that job meant to you—and now you’re tossing it all away to stay in a one-horse town in the middle of nowhere?”

  He swung around. Raked a hand through his fresh-from-the-shower hair. “You can’t give up something you’ve wanted for so long, something you’ve worked so hard for—you’ll regret it. Believe me, I know what it’s like to give up a dream.”

  “I do, too. I’m giving up on one right now.” The dream that somehow he might love her as much as she loved him. “But it’s my choice.”

  “You can’t do this.”

  “Yes, I can. Because for the first time in my life, I know what I really want. I like it here and I enjoy feeling…needed. That sounds a little pathetic, I know, but it’s true. After my mother came here the last time, I finally realized why she was so desperate to have me come home. It wasn’t because she was worried about me, it was because she needed someone to care for. She wanted me there for her. I can understand that now because I’ve discovered I’m not all that different from her. It gives me great pleasure to help others. The difference is that before, I was doing things because other people wanted me to. Now I’m doing them because I want to. Big difference.”

  His arms fell to his sides, and when he spoke, his voice was quieter. “What about your education, your language skills? What about travel, adventure and excitement?”

  “I’ll be using my skills, at least some part of them, and I’ll be learning even more with the classes I’m going to take. Living here, I’ll be experiencing a life far different than I would in Iowa or New York, and that sounds like a pretty great adventure to me.” She placed a hand on his arm.

  He stiffened. “You’ll regret it.”

  “No, I won’t.” Because she’d never been so sure of anything. She wanted to do this, with or without him in her life. She only had one regret. Somewhere along the line, she’d hoped he’d learned that he needed love in his life, that he deserved it as much as anyone. But apparently not.

  Should she tell him how she felt about him? Would he feel any differently if he knew someone loved him? No risk, no reward. Yes, she had to say it. “I love it here,” she said. “And I love you.”

  He blinked, his expression blank. Then— “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  She stepped back. “Excuse me. I know exactly what I’m saying. That’s how I feel.” She couldn’t keep a tiny smile from emerging. It felt good to tell him she loved him. Even if he didn’t love her back. “But in case you’re wondering, my staying in Los Rios has nothing to do with how I feel about you. That’s a separate issue altogether.”

  J.D. stifled his own smile. She loved him. Was she serious? She loved him. Obviously she didn’t know what she was saying.

  “Do you love me?” she asked bluntly.

  Yes. That was the problem. She was wonderful and kind and wholesome and beautiful and he wasn’t worthy of her. “I believe we’ve developed a close relationship.”

  She stepped forward, her face nearly touching his chest, her bottom lip quivering. “That’s it? That’s all you feel for me?”

  The hurt in her eyes almost broke his heart. A lump formed in his throat. He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her silly. He wanted to tell her that he’d like nothing more than to wake up every morning for the rest of his life with her at his side, that he wanted babies with her and to love her as she’d never been loved before. He wanted to give her everything.

  But he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he didn’t have anything to give. His own future was as uncertain as rain in the desert, and anything, any small glitch could screw things up. Charlie might not come through. He might not finish the renovations before the deadline, something could happen to Zelda. He had no guarantees. But it tore his heart out that she believed he didn’t care. “No,” he said. “That’s not all.”

  “Then what? What do you feel?”

  Why did she keep pushing? “I can’t give you what you need. What you deserve.”

  “That wasn’t my question.”

  Maddy watched a puzzled frown form on J.D.’s face, as if she’d asked him about the theory of quantum physics. “The original question was, what do you feel for me?” She had to know and she had to hear it from him. Good, bad or indifferent, she needed him to tell her.

  She waited, tapping her fingers nervously at her sides, and when he didn’t say anything, her heart felt as if it had split in two. Tears welled behind her eyes, and before she made a weeping fool of herself again, she threw up her hands in resignation and started to go into the house.

  But before she did, she turned to him and, in a fragile, shaky voice, said, “You must be the loneliest man in the world. I pray that someday you’ll be able to open your heart to someone, because if you can’t, you’ll always be alone. Love isn’t about how long the people we love are with us, it’s about how much we love them when they are.”

  She turned and went inside. And standing in the beautiful kitchen, she let the tears stream down her cheeks, not just for herself and her breaking heart, but also for him.

  She heard the door, and seconds later felt warm hands on her shoulders. He eased her around to face him.

  His eyes were filled with gentleness and deep longing, and he started to say something but couldn’t seem to get it out. When he did, his voice was husky and rough with emotion. “I love you. That’s how I feel.”

  Through her tears, a big wide smile emerged. He’d said it.

  “But you deserve better.”

  “I think I should be the judge of that.” And she all but leaped into his arms and kissed him. He kissed her back, deeply, crushing her in a long hard embrace.

  “I can’t promise you anything,” he said when they came up for air.

  “Did I ask for promises?”

  “I don’t know what next year will bring.”

  “Neither do I. But if you did? If you knew everything was going to be perfect—”

  He closed his eyes, as if what he was about to say was the most difficult thing in the world. “I’d ask you to marry me.”

  “So ask me anyway.”

  He searched her eyes, as if maybe he could find an answer there.

  She whispered, “Chicken. No risk, no reward.”

  A long moment passed, and then he smiled lovingly. “Will you marry me, Maddy?”

  One word and only one word formed on Maddy’s lips.

  “Yes.” And he swung her around like a little kid and in the distance, she heard Zelda bark as if she knew exactly what was going on.

  “Yes, yes, yes,” she repeated as a great warm flood of love flowed through her.

  And this was only the beginning.

  EPILOGUE

  Six months later

  “HOW DOES THIS LOOK?” J.D. said, putting the finishing touches on the fat yellow ribbon that they were going to cut in honor of the grand reopening of the Tripplehorne Guest Ranch. “Maybe we should christen the place with a bottle of champagne instead? Like a boat.”

  He grinned at her, his smile radiating a happiness she never dreamed she’d see on his face.

  “We have only five hours to get this place in shape before people start to arrive,” she said. “We can’t start changing plans now.”

  “We have just enough time to read this.” J.D. held up a plump manila envelope that was lying on the chair next to him.

  “What is it?”

  “The letter from my aunt.”


  Harold Martin had been to the ranch the week before and he’d brought Kayla, who was staying till after the wedding. Maddy couldn’t have a wedding without her best friend. Kayla was now inside taking care of last-minute preparations with Juana and Maddy’s mother in the kitchen. Everyone would be there, her whole family, Annie and Grady and their new baby, Stella, all Maddy’s students and most of the town.

  And Benito. Her heart swelled at the thought. When the adoption papers were completed, he’d be living with them for good.

  They’d planned the wedding and the grand opening for the same day. Kayla had thought it strange that Maddy wanted to share her wedding day with the opening, but Maddy knew that if it weren’t for the ranch, she wouldn’t be here today, marrying the man she loved.

  “C’mon, sit down and we’ll read it together.”

  “Are you sure? It’s probably personal.”

  “So? Sharing the rest of our lives is pretty personal. We ought to be able to share whatever is in this envelope.”

  “Okay.”

  He opened the packet. Inside were several pages and some photos.

  J.D. opened the letter.

  Dear James,

  If you’re reading this, then you’ve succeeded in completing the ranch. Congratulations. I didn’t know if that would happen, which is why I made most of the stipulations in the will. You can’t blame me, considering the condition you were in for quite some time after your accident. I was afraid if I gave you the ranch without a commitment on your part, the property would be in someone else’s hands by now and the money gone. I was sorry to hear about the accident, but I hope you’ve overcome your problems.

  We all have things we regret, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that we just have to go on.

  Unfortunately, as I’m writing this, I know my life isn’t going to go on. I have metastatic cancer and it’s only a matter of time. We don’t all get to know when we’ll die and I guess I should be grateful that I do, because it gives me time to take care of my personal business, and maybe even find a little peace within myself.