by M. M. Perry
Mike stared at her, uncomprehending. Something in Naomi’s eyes reminded him of open wounds. When realization finally dawned, he gripped her hand and pulled her along.
“Come on,” he said gently.
Naomi let him lead her to a lift she’d never used before at the back of the shuttle bay. She was vaguely aware her arm was glowing a deepening red. She knew the bay’s reporting systems had been shut down for their training, but she wasn’t sure for how long. She tried not to cry. She could be taken away to the counselors at any time for losing control. They could take her away from everything she had been protecting for the last eight years.
The lift stopped and Mike guided her along another corridor. It looked strange. The floors were dull gray instead of orange. The only orange on the floor at all were two thin stripes that ran down the sides. She didn’t see anyone around. It was unusual to ever find herself alone except in areas that were in quiet time. Mike stopped to rest his hand on a panel beside a door.
Locked rooms, she marveled. The military has rooms that can be locked.
Mike pulled her inside then locked the door behind them. The room looked strange to Naomi. There weren’t any sleeping pods set in the wall. Instead there was a bed just sitting out on the ground. It looked vaguely obscene to Naomi. Mike cupped her chin in his hand and tilted her head up gently so her eyes met his. He touched her cheek where a tear had fallen.
“You want to unburden?”
Mike hesitated.
“That’s what you’re asking for?”
Naomi nodded and moved to embrace him. He held her back, still considering her eyes. He lifted her arm and showed her her wrist, blazing red.
“This… is it fear?”
“It’s everything. Everything all at once,” Naomi said shakily.
“I don’t… military and civilians… it’s different here… we don’t…”
Mike sighed. He didn’t know what else to say. He was in unfamiliar territory.
Naomi looked at the bed, some measure of focus returning as the mantra came into her mind automatically, as it always did.
She was seeking comfort. Would the bed be wrong? Would it bring her discomfort?
“The bed is okay,” she said finally. “Do you… you haven’t said. You didn’t declare. And comfort. Comfort goes both ways. If this wouldn’t bring you comfort, then…”
Mike pulled Naomi to him and kissed her. Naomi felt a flood of relief. She pulled off her jumpsuit. Mike tugged at his own clothes. The fatigues he wore hadn’t been designed to pull off so easily. Naomi’s hands were questing and Mike wanted to help them find their way. As soon as he managed to disrobe he lifted Naomi into the bed. He turned out the lights.
Naomi lay in Mike’s arms wondering what time it was. She didn’t want to worry Jeremy. She wanted to get up, but didn’t know a polite way to ask. She found it odd to think a man could be too large, but Mike was that man. There was so much of him, she felt tiny.
“You’re awake?” Mike asked from behind.
She was sure he knew she was; she’d been fidgeting for a while.
“Yes,” she said. “I’d like to clean up. Is that ok? I’ll use my ration.”
“I’ll join you,” Mike said.
Naomi felt a pang of annoyance. She actually wanted to get clean and Mike was too large to share the shower with. But, she felt grateful he had been there for her, so she didn’t gripe. Mike turned on a light. Naomi shielded her eyes from the sudden brightness.
It had been strange to share outside a pod. The pod made everything so quiet and serene. The bed, in comparison, lacked intimacy. She hadn’t even felt like talking afterward. The bed was too open to unburden in, even wrapped up in Mike’s arms, but the ritual of physical connection had done its job. She felt calmer. She was sure the rush of endorphins had a lot to do with it.
Naomi made her way to the shower. She was relieved to find it no different from her own. She stepped inside and was about to activate it when Mike stopped her.
“I insist,” he said, placing his hand on a panel inside the shower.
She glanced at the panel and gasped.
“Forty-seven minutes? Have you been saving your water for weeks?”
Mike laughed.
“Commanders get a few perks. More water rations. This private room.”
“Private?” Naomi asked, shocked. “Don’t you get lonely?”
Mike chuckled as warm water splashed over them. He began washing Naomi’s skin gently.
“Sometimes, I guess. But without my privacy, I don’t think we’d be doing this. And that would’ve been a shame.”
Naomi relaxed and allowed Mike to wash her. It was comforting. The shower was snug like the pod. With the water running, she could pretend she was in her pod. For the first time since the incident at training she felt centered again.
“He scared me,” she said in a small voice.
Mike rubbed Naomi’s back, rinsing the soap away. He reached around and held her close.
“I know. I’m sorry. He…I thought he was a friend. I thought I could trust him. I won’t make that mistake again. I swear.”
Naomi turned around in his arms. She placed her chin on his shoulder which required standing on her toes.
“You didn’t lose a friend. A friend wouldn’t have done that to you. I’m your friend. You’ll see. I’ll never betray you like that. I swear as well.”
Naomi hoped she was doing everything right. The military might not unburden the same way. Mike’s arms tightened around her and his face fell into the crook of her shoulder. She felt the shudder of him letting go. She smiled, knowing she had done it right after all. She was glad she could help him as he’d helped her.
After a few more minutes of letting the warm water wash away their thoughts, they disentangled. Naomi dried and pulled on her jumpsuit. Mike sat on his bed with a towel around his waist watching her while she dried, a perplexed look plastered on his face.
“So now you head off to your… to that man, the pilot?”
“Jeremy. Yes. Thank you for helping me.”
Mike smiled, shaking his head.
“Naomi, I mean this sincerely, any time.”
Naomi beamed at him.
“You’re very kind.”
“Naomi, why didn’t you do this with him? With Jeremy?”
Naomi pulled her head out of the towel. She looked at Mike, her face inscrutable.
“Because I love him. Is that… isn’t that a problem here?”
“I… no? I don’t understand.”
Naomi sat down next to him.
“If I… if I were to do this with Jeremy, we’d set off the alarms. Everything inside of us, all of everything we feel, it would light up the ceiling. We always have to be careful. We can’t fall into it. Not into the feeling. The counselors would come almost immediately. They’d say our emotions were too strong, that they’d lead to anger and jealousy first, then rage and violence. It threatens conformity. If we become violent, we might hurt or kill others. Conformity would drop. Violence and cruelty, more than anything else, drops conformity. We must maintain conformity to win the rights to the fourteenth ship. Without conformity, we would land on Macha with nothing but what was on our ship. The other ships, the cruel ships, if we don’t start with the advantage of extra supplies, they’d destroy us. At least that’s what they’d say as they took us to counseling. Did… didn’t you learn all this when you were a kid?”
Mike stared at Naomi. She looked honestly bewildered that he might not know this.
“Why… why is counseling so bad?” he asked innocently.
If he thought Naomi couldn’t be more shocked, he was wrong.
Six
Naomi walked to the leisure unit Todd had reserved for the night in a daze. The people milling about in their white jumpsuits, smiling at her as she walked by moved around her in a blur. She passed a recreation lounge full of young people, just out of Intermediate, laughing, holding each other and enjoying the company.
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She wondered how they’d react if they knew, living nearby, was an entire crew of people who lived a completely different life - people who had no idea what counseling entailed. She may have unburdened with Mike, giving her back her focus, but she picked up all new confusions about how the soldiers lived.
She checked her wrist to verify the location and found the room she was looking for a little further down the corridor. Todd was already there with Jeremy. They were holding each other on a couch in the center of the room. Their wrists were glowing pink. Naomi scanned the room. It was empty aside for the three of them.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, rushing to kneel in front of them.
Naomi reached up and touched their joined hands.
“Did something happen to Maria?”
Jeremy nodded. Todd barely noticed Naomi at all. Naomi leaned against Todd’s knee.
“Has she…” Naomi began, unable to finish the words.
Maria’s outburst at the party hadn’t been missed as she’d hoped.
Jeremy counted silently, trying to keep his composure as best he could.
Naomi balled the fabric of his jumpsuit in her fist and counted. It took forty names before she was able to speak again.
“Will she be here? Tonight?”
Todd shook his head violently.
“I invited her, but… She didn’t even know why. She didn’t know why we’d want to meet. I can’t… she came back yesterday morning. I can’t be in the same room with her. Carlos, Ming… I don’t think they’ve even noticed yet.”
Naomi reached up and held Todd’s hand.
“They didn’t know her long, Todd. Not like us.”
“We’ll remember her with you,” Jeremy said, adding his hand to the pile in Todd’s lap.
“I can’t stay there,” Todd said. “I have to transfer out. But tonight… would you stay here with me tonight? It would be such a comfort.”
“Of course,” Naomi said.
Jeremy nodded as well.
“Anything you need, Todd.”
“I don’t need… I don’t need all night, Nomi. Your mission’s tomorrow. I know you two need to be together, too. If you could just stay in my pod until I fall asleep. That’s all I need.”
“Of course,” Naomi said soothingly. “But it’s early yet. We could all do something together. Not a game. That’s too much for now. But, we could watch a show. Or shower? If you need some comfort…”
Todd shook his head.
“Not tonight, Naomi. But a show. I think I could do that. Let’s watch something warm tonight. That one with the baby animals. That’s a good one.”
Mike walked into a mostly deserted mess hall. He looked at the meager choices that were left and managed to fill a tray with some palatable options. He wandered over to a table that someone had forgotten to collapse. He hadn’t finished his first mouthful when he heard footsteps behind him. He glanced back to see Chef approaching.
“Eagle,” she said, waiting for an invitation.
Mike gestured for her to sit. She took a seat and began peeling an orange.
“Didn’t see you get back. Last I saw you, you were talking to that civvy,” she said casually.
“I went straight to my room. Had a little rest.”
“You took a nap?”
Mike’s utensil halted for the briefest of moments on the way to his mouth.
“Something like that.”
Chef continued peeling and smiled knowingly.
“Really, boss?”
Mike chewed with purpose.
“A civvy?”
Mike took another bite of food, concentrating on staring straight forward.
“Won’t there be complications? We’re always told we can’t do that. Complications being the word they use when they tell us we can’t do that.”
Mike sighed and put down his fork.
“I wouldn’t have… there were urgent circumstances.”
“Uh-huh,” Chef said, popping a wedge of orange into her mouth.
Mike glared at her. Chef put her hands up to ward off the look.
“Hey, I get circumstances. I’ve had those myself from time to time.”
Mike picked up his fork and resumed eating.
“Not those kind of circumstances. She asked me for comfort.”
Chef laughed, but quickly noticed Mike wasn’t.
“Oh shit, you’re serious. They actually fucking do that?”
“Yes, soldier. And if you’re ever in the same position, you’ll understand why it’s kind of difficult not to oblige.”
“I’m sure you can clear up my confusion, sir.”
Mike looked at Chef. She was watching him closely. He could see she was assessing something.
“You like her.”
“Sir?”
“You’re mad at me. You think I took advantage. You trying to protect her?” Mike asked.
“Well, sir, it has occurred to me that she might be in over her head what with everything. I was just hoping a man who planned to lead, a man who needs all his subordinates to know he practices what he preaches, that man would have made damn sure he wasn’t taking advantage of someone scared out of her mind not an hour before. That man should’ve said, hey, we don’t have to do this, I’ll completely understand. I needed to know that you’re still that man.”
“That so?”
“Something like that,” Chef said, eating another wedge of orange.
“I asked if she wanted to… Well, believe me. I asked in triplicate. Do you know what she said to me when I asked? The first thing that blew my fucking mind.”
“No, sir. I haven’t the foggiest.”
“The bed would work fine. She had no problem with what we were doing. It was the venue she was unsure about.”
“I wouldn’t sleep in that bed either. You’re never in laundry.”
“The second thing,” Mike continued. “The second thing she asked me If I was okay with it. If I wanted it. After I’d led her to my private bedroom in a state I’d be embarrassed to tell my diary about.”
“Huh,” Chef said.
“Yeah,” Mike said, pointing his fork at Chef.
“Huh,” Chef said as she placed her orange down. “You know it’d be nice if it worked like that down here.”
“I was just thinking that,” Mike said around a bite of food. He took a drink before continuing. “We could use a little of that civvy etiquette. Asking all proper-like before we did anything.”
“You think that’s how they always do it? You think they have any, well, incidents up there like we do down here? I mean, they tell us they don’t, but I’ve never believed it. People aren’t that nice.”
Mike thought back on Naomi before shaking his head.
“Those incidents… If I had the power to do it, I’d end it in a heartbeat. But what they do to them up there, how they control them. No, Sissy, I don’t think sexual assault happens up there. But I don’t know if the price they pay is worth it.”
“What d’ya mean?”
“I mean to say, I think this mission, the one to retrieve the part for the engines, we’ve got something even more important to do when we get back.”
Mike had a gleam in his eye as he spoke.
Chef’s lips curled up into a smile.
“What?” Mike asked, uncomfortable under her stare.
“She did do something to you.”
“I don’t know what you’re implying. And I won’t entertain saucy speculation either. I still retain a modicum of gentlemanliness. At least I hope I do. Tell me the rigors of being a soldier haven’t scrubbed me of it completely.”
Chef waved her hand dismissively.
“I’m not talking about that. You’re inspired. You’ve had that change of heart Alphea is always going on about. Trying to get you to be more active. To find your purpose. The civvy did it to you. She helped you find your purpose. Our purpose. The grand design, as Alphea puts it in her overly theatrical gennie way.”
Chef lo
oked excited. Mike smiled back at her as he realized she was, as usual, the first to understand what was going on in his head, somehow even before he did.
“Maybe you’re right.”
Sissy nodded and picked her orange back up.
“About fucking time you admitted it. Now what?”
Mike stole a piece of Chef’s orange and popped it into his mouth.
“Let’s find Book.”
Todd was snoring softly next to Naomi. She carefully slid the door to the sleeping pod open and stepped out. In the dim room, Naomi could just make out Jeremy sitting on the couch, waiting for her.
“Are you ready to sleep?”
Jeremy nodded. He walked over to one of the other softly glowing sleeping pods. He slipped out of his jumpsuit and put it in the cleaning unit next to the pod while Naomi clambered in. He followed her into the pod, closed the door behind him, then curled around Naomi. He sighed contentedly.
“Everything okay? Aside from…”
“I know what you mean, Jerm. Maria, I’ll never be alright with that. But as to the other, I’m better now. I had to take comfort before I came back. It was hard thinking I might have to use a gun on the Tereshkova,” Naomi said, offering him a half-truth, Chef’s warning that telling Jeremy might be worse than not telling him still fresh in her mind.
“Ah, yeah. It set me counting just watching you touch that thing. Was pleased you were better than that ass, Henry.”
Naomi smiled.
“Yes, that was nice.”
“Who’d you find around there who could help?”
“Mike. The soldier. He needed comfort, too. Mission jitters.”
“The soldier? He’s alright then? I wasn’t sure they’d do things our way. They’re a bit gruff, yeah?”
“He wasn’t so bad. There was one thing, though. They have these beds. Or at least he did. It was strange. I definitely won’t be taking comfort in a bed again. It’s not quiet like this. It’s off-putting. But he was fine. Attentive and kind. Though, funny thing, they don’t teach them anything about counseling. Can you believe that?”
“What?”
“Yeah. They don’t have it. At all.”