Roadwarrior

by Nick Molloy

  Their argument ran that the ensuing publicity for the club brought punters back in on a regular basis. A quick straw poll of 4 punters in the club that night confirmed what I suspected. None of them knew about the event let alone remembered it.

  A similar story came my way when I was performing in a club in Stoke. They hired the singer Blu Cantrell for a more acceptable £2000. She apparently demanded they order her a Pizza and when it arrived it was the wrong sort. She refused to perform until the right pizza arrived. Only then did she sing and she again ran for the door and refused to meet her adoring public. In both cases, I asked what the club had contractually agreed with the agent and why they didn’t demand a discount for such poor service. If I hired somebody for my club for a few grand I would at least expect them to fraternise with the customers ! Surely that isn’t too much to ask for a few grand ?

  It gets right up my nose when somebody tries to short change a stripper by a tanner. This is heightened further given that strippers often pack a place out when they are advertised in advance. This stripper hangs around afterwards talking to people and giving out posters. I also offer to help promote the venue in any way I can. The reward for this is sometimes to be treated like a right pussy. Remember what happens to pussies – they get fucked. Yet, the very same people will book acts from agents for several thousand and get very little in return. After being fucked silly they still say thank-you. WHERE IS THE LOGIC ?

  Other bookers work on a more perverted logic. One particularly ugly female agent is rumoured to hand all her work to a small handful of strippers whose penance is to go around and be dutiful to her. I have long suspected this of occurring with many other agents, but other than circumstantial behavioural traits I can’t prove a thing.

  One night I turned up at a show with 5 strippers. The show was booked by an agent I have no respect for whatsoever. Two of the strippers present were a disgrace. One could have drawn a pension and another could have entered a Sumo wrestling contest. I had not heard of either man and to call them a professional stripper is/was a joke. The girls present voiced their disapproval or more accurately sat in stunned silence. The agent concerned has all the strippers on the circuit on their website. I know several of them were available to work that evening but hadn’t been called. Why they booked the two blokes from the bus stop I have no idea. Even more perplexing is that the lap dancing club concerned continued to use their services as an agent !

  This sort of behaviour is bizarre in the extreme ! I have listened to agents complain about certain strippers letting them down and yet they offer their very next show to the same guy ! When I moved to Hertfordshire, one well known agent was actually located within walking distance of my abode. He refused to meet face-to-face. Locked in a time warp he told me he used a stripper who I knew had retired. Yet, his praises are sung by many a drag queen. I have sat there as drag queens have slagged off a certain stripper to an astonishing level, in one case even threatening to slit his throat should their paths meet again. Yet, the very next show the aforementioned queen booked himself and secured the services of the stripper with the razor blade emerging from his windpipe. No reconciliation had been made to my knowledge. The stripper concerned has a reputation for drugs, unprofessionlism and unreliability. If this isn’t circumstantial evidence for sexual favours then I don’t know what is ! The stripping industry is far from meritocratic and can’t really be called a business. Any genuine business run in such a way would go bust.

  Chapter 16 -Propositionings

  It is often assumed that male strippers receive sexual propositions on an almost daily basis. For the most part this is true, but not quite in the form that most of you may imagine. A whole chapter is dedicated to the topic of female propositions later. Suffice to say they are rare and far less common than one might imagine. It may be true that I once had sex with 5 different women in a day thanks to my profession. I have had women pay me for sex and I have literally had the clothes torn from my body on hen nights. However, these incidents are rare as a percentage. Women have offered me money for sex on a regular basis, but there is a veiled implication that by asking they should get it for free - If that doesn’t occur the claws come out !

  Mostly, the propositions come from the much more confident gay sector. Rejection is handled well by most parties and rarely accepted until about the tenth brush off. Whilst flattering, the attention can become a little tiresome as long lines of potential suitors approach one after the other.

  These propositionings take on a more sinister tone when there is an underlying threat or reward. I have lost count of the number of occasions whereby, on the gay scene, sex has been requested, either explicitly or implied, in return for bookings. Some strippers exploit this to the hilt. As has been discussed already, many drag queens book hen shows. I haven’t yet met a straight drag queen and many a stripper has ‘put out’ in return for the hen booking. On drag in particular actually acts as a chauffeur and picks up his chosen strippers to ensure of his ‘reward’ for that evening.

  Similarly, a Midlands drag queen once offered me £50 to suck my cock. I declined and was met with a regaling of other strippers who supposedly had accepted the offer. ‘Good for them’ was my reply. ‘They work here all the time’ was the response. I didn’t work there again.

  Arson has to be one of the ugliest strippers ever to work the circuit. According to one punter, he has a face like a bag of spanners, is no spring chicken and he is no bronzed Adonis either. His saving grace is that drag queens often refer to him as ‘the ugly one with the big cock’. A few times I have been to gay venues only to hear of his exploits with the venue manager/owner the week before. There was nearly always a veiled implication that ‘Arson did this upstairs with me, what will you do ?’ My response of ‘I’ll set your customers alight in the way Arson cannot’ was not always warmly received.

  With that said, Arson’s approach didn’t always work either. A venue manager in Cardiff told me of Arson’s none too subtle sexual advances towards him. Arson’s rubbery features caused a feeling of revulsion, dousing his fiery intentions. From that day forward Arson was banned from the said venue.

  Many of these proposals are illicit and not direct. If you respond in kind then bookings will rain forth upon you. For a while there was a gay place in Plymouth that used to hire me on a regular basis. I became friendly with the manager, even staying at his place a couple of times. I would try and arrange a couple of shows in Devon whilst I was down there to ease the petrol burden. When Becky, my shag down there went loopy one day I stayed with Marsden. He told me that he had been told (by a drag queen) that I would ‘put out’ in return for bookings. He very candidly said that was his initial motivation for booking me. Fortunately for me, he assessed my abilities as a stripper ahead of his own sexual motivations with regard to repeat bookings. Some venue managers prefer to abuse their position in this regard.

  The number of times I have been the victim of blatant ‘heterophobia’ has thankfully been relatively small. There is a pretty common feeling of being different and I have seen gay attitudes noticeably cool if they find out they are not my sexual preference. This sort of heterophobia is at least illicit.

  I will never forget the time I played a venue in Northampton (at the best of times surely a contender for the weirdest town in Britain). I arrived at the venue very early and not wishing to spend an hour sitting around in the confines of a disabled toilet (my changing room) I went and had a drink of water at the bar. The manager there was initially very welcoming towards me. However, there were several straight girls at the venue and they were more forward on this occasion than their gay counter-parts in the initiating conversation stakes. Are you gay or straight is usually the first question that people ask and this night was no exception. I am typically cagey on the answer – ‘If I told you that I’d have to kill you’ – but evasive tactics only go so far. The rumour I was straight spread around like wildfire. The manager stepped outside and his attitude towards me had to be r
etrieved from the arctic circle. Seeing this I deliberately hung around afterwards to chat to the girls (and there was enough of them on that night). His angry fire burnt long and bright.

  The very same man was to attempt to launch an anti-homophobic charity less than a year later. A worthy cause, but one better represented by someone less prejudicial I would argue. I have argued with my great friend Uniboy about this very issue on many occasions. Apparently it has been commented on (on the gay scene) that I have been known to talk to women in gay clubs. Of course, I can only do this if the clubs let them in. That is, women also make up the custom of the said clubs. If they are open minded enough to let ‘fish’ (a gay term for women) into the establishments then surely it must be ok for people to talk to them as well ? I hate prejudice in all its forms. However, it always feels doubly barbed when the prejudice comes from a minority group whose mission has been to eliminate prejudicial attitudes in the first place. Part of Uniboy’s popularity comes from the fact that he has had coital relations with an unusually high proportion of any given gay strip audience. Yet, because of my sexual orientation I shouldn’t even speak to the opposite sex in the same venues ?

  I’m a stripper and proud of the fact. Being polite and courteous should be part of the job. Selling my body (for sex) and pretending to be something I am not, isn’t. I have a lot of gay friends who accept me for who I am just as I accept them. Some still fancy me and that’s great ! If sexual discrimination laws applied to the stripping industry however, I’d be a millionaire by now and that’s just plain wrong.

  Chapter 17 - The Steroid Issue

  Another typically asked question I receive is ‘Do you take steroids ?’ The answer is no, but the majority of strippers do partake in this pastime. As a sprinter I carefully weighed up the option that was performance enhancing drugs. I concluded that drugs would propel me to a sub 47 second 400m. However, there isn’t much money to be earned from that. I’d have spent more money on ‘gear’ than I would have won in prize money. I would have been risking my long term health and all for a few medals and trophies.

  When I started competing in powerlifting drugs seemed pointless for different reasons. I actually managed to win a British title in one of the powerlifts. However, this is better than it sounds. Powerlifting suffers from the same multi-faceted governance as boxing. I was but one of many ‘British’ title holders. However, I decided to use my new found national champion status to seek lottery funding. I did after all have an offer to compete in the world championships. The downside was that I would have to pay my own flight and accommodation. Also, I was fobbed off and pissed about by the lottery funders. I knew track athletes who were ranked 30th in the country in their event, yet, they were receiving over £1000 funding per year.

  As national number 1 in my event it seems I was entitled to nothing. Athletes who are recommended by a board of selectors, who have a chairman with the precursor ‘sir’ to his name, seemed to get funding. Road Warriors do not. I quit the sport soon afterwards disillusioned about the lack of reward for the amount of effort required.

  For the record, I once tried a two week course of Dianabol whilst I was in Dubai. D-bol, as it is better known, is a mass steroid. I was bored with life and training out there and had always been curious as to the possible effects. Arnold Schwarzenegger used to have 20 for breakfast and a sprinter would typically take 8 per day. I took a baby dosage of 4 per day with a host of estrogen blockers. One of the side effects of testosterone based steroids is the water retention and the aromatisation of estrogens (the female hormone). This can lead to side effects known as ‘bitch-tits’, where men can get flabby breasts and can even begin to lactate. There was little danger of this in my case. A course should usually last two months not two weeks. My dosage was very low and my paranoia ensured I was taking other substances to minimize any potential side effects. Some of my reading was suggesting that what I was doing wouldn’t work at all.

  Some supposed learned scholars postulate that steroids don’t have any direct effect on performance at all. Let me assure you from personal experience that this is complete nonsense ! Even taking my baby dosage I gained muscle mass in a couple of weeks that would have taken me several months of injury free training in a gym. My recovery rate from sessions was incredible and the strength gains were remarkable. I had essentially plateaued from natural training and my mind boggled as to what might happen if I actually took a proper course of steroids over a sustained period. Still, I saw no point in continuing their usage. It is easy to see how they could become addictive. I felt like the incredible hulk whilst I was ‘juicing’ and I almost felt as if I could take a bullet head on. Yet, logically there was no real reason to continue. I didn’t need that feeling of invincibility to live my life. It might have felt nice, but by continuing I would have been risking my health simply to feed my ego. That obviously wasn’t worth it.

  It would have been worth it if I thought that by taking drugs, they could earn me a living through sport. Unfortunately I lacked the elite genetics in one sport and there was no money to be earned in the other. Similarly, I lacked the genetics in terms of pure size to earn a living in strongman. Although pound-for-pound I am strong enough to compete, I would need to double my weight. Steroids could probably help add about 40-50% to my current weight, but doubling it may be a problem.

  Also, I should clarify here. Taking drugs in sport isn’t really cheating. It is simply doing what everybody else is doing. If you don’t take drugs in sport you won’t make the elite level. If you doubt this, you are naïve. If you have researched it and still don’t believe it then you are an idiot (or a liar) ! Bodybuilders take stick for not being true sportsmen. Yet, those guys are the consummate professionals that every athlete should look up to. They set their alarm to eat (even in the middle of the night), weigh their meals, train extremely hard, train smart (scientifically) and use their bodies as guinea pigs by pumping it full of copious amount of drugs. The benefit of their self experimentation then tends to trickle down to other sports. Sprinters take mass steroids during winter training and ripping agents in preparation for the summer season. Cyclists take EPO which enables the body to produce more red blood cells. Powerlifters take steroids that increase strength without weight gain (eg Oxandralone). Boxers take diuretics to make the weight. Snooker players take Beta Blockers to calm their nerves. Drug use is rife at every level.

  Drug tests are fairly easily bypassed by those experienced in the methods. Urine testing is widespread and relatively primitive. Athletes have been known to inject a clean syringe of urine directly into their bladder so that they piss out a ‘clean sample’, thereby fooling the testers. The drug developers are usually always a step ahead of the testers. If universal blood testing was brought in tomorrow, a lot of athletes would be caught with immediate effect. However, sport authorities know this and will therefore not allow it. If all their top athletes were removed from the sport their sponsors would leave with them. Positive drug tests are therefore routinely covered up and buried. There have been numerous cases of this happening. Under a carpet somewhere, there exists a lot of high profile names that have failed drug tests.

  Stripping has no such testing procedure. A stripper’s performance is subjective and not quantitatively measured. There is no formal competition with winners and losers so theoretically there is no edge to be gained by juicing. However, we have discussed already how the majority of strippers worship an egotistical god with low self esteem. Steroids are being used by insecure gym goers the world over who have no intention of ever competing in a sport. Strippers have to go and parade themselves on a stage for others’ viewing pleasure. Frequently the equation reads as LSE + HE = SA. Or, low self esteem + high ego = steroid abuse

  A major part of assessing a stripper as a total package has to be assessed on how his body looks. The reality is that when mixed with a decent training programme and a good diet, steroids will obviously enhance this (taken correctly). Therefore, there is a tangible benefit to t
heir usage.

  I have heard the moral high ground taken so many times in sport. Supposedly people don’t want to see athletes risking their health just so we can see them perform better. Bollocks ! The reality is that if the Olympic 100m was won in 10.3 nobody would watch because we are now used to seeing it won in 9.8. Similarly, people want to see strippers with fantastic bodies. The average punter doesn’t care if that stripper is juicing and therefore risking his health. It doesn’t affect them so what do they care ?

  I have had this very argument with a drag queen friend. He takes the view that strippers using steroids doesn’t matter, it is merely a point of personal preference. Whilst I see his point I’m not quite as lenient. As in sport, if you have one juicer raising the bar of performance it puts the pressure on the other performers to also raise their game. As most sportsmen will already be at their natural peak from a dedicated diet and training programme, the only option to improve is through supplementation. If you can’t beat them naturally – you join them.

  Don’t get me wrong. The percentage of juicers in stripping is not as high as elite sport, but it isn’t far behind. The fact that it exists, puts pressure on those that don’t routinely inject themselves to join the bandwagon. I remember once a couple of punters openly advocated I should start using steroids to get bigger like one of the other guys. I agreed but only on the basis that they pay my medical bills should any complications result. Strangely, they didn’t agree to that condition.