Roadwarrior

by Nick Molloy

  As for coming up with a routine…..ouch ! I initially looked up a load of jokes on the internet that I thought were funny or I stole some from famous comedians and their routines. When the famous comedians delivered the lines their audiences were in uproar. Alas, it didn’t work the same in the Dog and Duck I was attending. Generally, if I stuck to the anti-man jokes they worked sufficiently, acceptably well to get me through. I once tried a joke that was anti-woman and it was like those old Western movies where the ball of grass blows across the room and all you can here is the wind whistling !

  When you watch a comedian on TV and the audience is laughing and hanging on his every word it all looks so easy. The reality is so far removed it’s untrue. I now know why drag queens (most of them anyway), fill their routines by pretending they can sing. It fills in the gaps !

  I once met a comedian who did the comedy club circuit and I informed him of my difficult experience in this area and how much I now respected what he did. He told me that they have all had their fair share of gigs which go down like a lead balloon.

  From my perspective this was easy(ish) because I only had a few minutes to fill in before I introduced a stripper. However, when you get absolutely no response to the joke whatsoever it really shakes you. Something in your head is waiting for a murmur of recognition after the delivery of the punchline. When it doesn’t come it feels like you’ve just been punched. It then takes a lot to keep it together and carry on with the routine. If you’re a proper comedian that has a 20 minute routine, it must be really tough if they start badly in minute 1 and still have 19 minutes of hell remaining !

  When a woman heckles the stripper because her husband has just left her and she takes out her anger on the only person with a penis in the room, it is somehow easier to get over. Some women can be very unpleasant to strippers and can get very nasty and personal. Take it personally and it would be humiliating. Maybe I’ve just grown accustomed to that, but, the when the stand-up comic is having a bad night it feels really, really humiliating. No wonder Stim was sweating so much when he came off stage. Stand-ups – I salute you !

  I think I should also share some interesting stories that either failed to make the first edition or that have happened since. One of those was where I was booked to perform at a straight stag do. At the outset I was suspicious, but the booker assured me it was a prank they wanted to play on the groom so I didn’t see the harm. I drove for some 200 miles, crossed the Welsh border and drove up a dirt track to a wooden chalet type structure. The booker came out and told me the poor groom was currently tied to a chair and dressed as Hulk Hogan. I was tasked with emerging in to the room as an Executioner with a billowing mask and large sword. Upon entering, Hulk Hogan began to strain at his bonds. As I got closer his fake bald dome with the blond mullet began to rapidly swish from side to side as his attempts to free himself became more and more desperate. His mates obviously found all this hilarious and got plenty of pictures of a naked man in a black mask waving his dick in front of Hulk Hogan’s face. Once he was released the Hulkster saw the funny side and it has to rank as one of the strangest but most amusing assignments I have undertaken.

  Equally different was the time I was asked to strip for a gay girl who was getting married (to another girl). Rather than get a female stripper they thought it more novel to get a guy who was prepared to strip as a woman. Now, I wouldn’t know how to make myself up, so they were content with a dress, a bra and cheap blond wig. The final item I removed was the bra (cock already out). I’m pleased to say it was well received all round. I guess as a non conformist I appreciated the differentiation of the planners in the above two examples. It was different and novel and it worked. Of course, very few strippers would have entertained their requests so I was pleased they approached me.

  Then there was the night with the three ‘journalists’. It was a last minute call on the way to another show. To my surprise they were willing to accommodate my late time request and I arrived well after midnight. There were only three girls present and it was obvious from the outset that they were after more than just a strip show. After the strip they made their intentions pretty clear. As I penetrated the ‘hen’ (she was clearly nothing of the sort) the other two were shouting ‘stick it in her, go on….fuck her’. I did. The other two soon received the same treatment.

  Afterwards the leader decided to come clean…..of sorts. She said they had recently all graduated with degrees in journalism and were doing an article on male prostitution. How interesting I said, but what had just occurred was consenting sex between 4 adults. I was hired to perform a strip for which I was paid and then afterwards we fucked. I do so of my own volition not because I was paid to do so. I asked if they wanted to pay me extra for fucking them and they declined. Thus, I pointed out that if they weren’t willing to pay me for sex I couldn’t see what bearing I had on any such article. They disagreed despite their obvious failure to grasp the finer rudiments of the English language and its semantics. They said they might be writing about the experience. I said I would be writing about it….and here it is. Believe it or not this occurred less than a mile from my abode ! It is many years since the experience but I’ve never seen any of the ‘journalists’ about town.

  As I stated in the first edition, the notion of a male prostitute is largely a fantasy. I was active as a stripper for a decade and I have been expressly booked to fuck a woman only a few times. Each time there was a motive beyond the sex. Every now and again men do enquire about providing extras for their wives, but typically the wives are not game. Hardly ever would a woman be so bold as to hire a man for themselves. On one occasion a very attractive girl made a query. She sent me a picture and I didn’t bother negotiating. I just said I’d be around shortly. I made it clear no fee was required, I fancied her. Afterwards it was as if she wanted to pay me, she kept asking how much. I told her it wasn’t necessary but I think she wanted to pay me. Maybe it made her feel powerful or authorative. Good for her! I wish there were more women like her out there.

  I’ve stripped at more than my fair share of swingers clubs too, performing live sex shows along the way. Single women in those environments are virtually unheard of, yet they have to regulate the amount of single men allowed entry so as not to offend the couples. Of course, as a stripper it often means they can be fun environments afterwards !

  As I’ve said previously I often perform private strips for guys. Many hope that I’ll eventually put out. One was desperate for me to fuck him. He wasn’t unusual in having a straight boy rape fantasy. I suggested an alternative in that I’d get my mates to fuck him. ‘They have to be straight though’ he said. ‘Of course they are’ I lied. How absolutely ridiculous ! Why on earth would straight boys want to fuck him ? I guess he just wanted to believe.

  Anyway, I recruited the Fox and one of his acolytes to play the part of straight boys. We ‘broke in’ to the house through the downstairs door that had been left open for us. We found a man in the house whom I put into a headlock and made him take me to the safe (to pay me the agreed fee) whilst my ‘crew’ waited patiently. Upon returning, with him still in the headlock I informed the crew that we would have to teach him a lesson so he didn’t go to the police (The Fox used to work for the police ironically). Thus, it was that the crew stripped him and fucked him whilst I held him down.

  I nearly lost my composure at two points. The first was when Mark was shagging ‘the worm’. He was completely naked but had declined to remove his balaclava. All I could think of was IRA punishment beatings. A smile crept across my face and I had to look the other way so the worm wouldn’t see that I was amused at his plight. Suitably recomposed I got my serious game face back and continued my pinning of the worm.

  The Fox had a lodger who would continually berate him (in banter) for ‘gaying it’ and being a ‘bender’. The Fox began to imitate Paul, his CID officer lodger in brilliant fashion. The worm was referred to as a ‘dirty bender’ on numerous occasions who loved a bit of ‘gaying’.
I nearly choked on my own tongue !

  Having done the deed, I called the crew off, warned the worm if he didn’t keep his mouth shut we’d be back and we left how we entered. Both of my accomplices refused any money saying this was my job for them it was fun ! After all I’d just offered them a new experience. As sexually sophisticated as they both were they’d never broken into a stranger’s abode to ‘play-rape’ him before. The worm sent me a text the next day. It roughly said ‘Master (he likes to call me that), it was wonderful, I especially liked the one that was nasty to me (the Fox), the one with the beard’. All’s well that ends well. Another satisfied customer !

  The worm is definitely an odd character. As an acting agent I know he has tried to buy the affections of other strippers by sending them for castings that they had no chance of ever getting. Strippers aren’t the brightest breed and you can imagine what they had to do in return. I was simply interested in the cash. There were a couple of re-runs with the worm and the ‘crew’. The funniest involved ‘the Arab’ (actually the fox’s boyfriend). The Arab was instructed to only speak in French throughout and was making continuous slurs in French about the worm. Every now and again he’d abuse him in English and then revert back to French. Before undergoing his punishment, the worm was compelled to put on a dress. I completely lost my composure when the fox told him to say ‘ooh la la’. I guess you probably had to be there.

  Before the first edition of this book came out I was approached by the BBC about appearing in a documentary about dogging and other sexual practices that might be considered ‘different’ by the public at large. As I had a book coming out and all publicity helps I told them I’d only be interested if they publicized me as the author of confessions of a male stripper. They agreed and I got it in writing.

  They told me that someone called Tanya Byron was presenting the programme. I didn’t know her but apparently she was a psychologist who had presented on TV before. It is often said that many a psychologist enters into the profession seeking their own therapy. She is probably a case in point. She was very insecure, but also highly devious.

  As is usually the case on such programmes, all of the running is usually done by lowly researchers. People such as I would have no contact with anybody else until the day of filming. They were very pushy about having my girlfriend attend. I didn’t think it was a good idea because I know how manipulative people who work for organizations like the BBC can be. However I let her decide and she said yes. I did tell her that they would have an agenda but she still wanted to attend.

  Tanya Byron wasn’t very good at masking her body language, which instantly betrayed her. It was obvious she didn’t approve of me or people who went dogging (and that day I was their representative). This was before we even spoke ! She attempted to be pleasant but then when the camera began rolling took an aggressive line of questioning. Off camera she had been busy preening herself and asking the camera crew if her sunglasses looked glamorous enough for the camera. She was implying that people who went dogging had some kind of psychological disorder. I disagreed that had to be the case, pointing out exhibitionism was a sexual preference. I went on the offensive (on camera) saying that if people were so insecure that they had to worry about their glamorous glasses then they weren’t really fit to comment. She said ‘you are turning that on me’. I said indeed I was and that given her concerns over her appearance and how she comes across she should consult a psychologist about her disorder.

  None of this exchange made the final edit despite being good TV as it would disrupt the theme and pre determined message. Also, the camera crew (or perhaps an individual) obviously didn’t like my attitude and they refused to include the bit about being an author of confessions of a male stripper ! Most disturbingly on the day of filming the crew asked me if Tanya Byron could interview my girlfriend alone. I suggested to my girlfriend that she didn’t, but she wanted to. I therefore didn’t object. It turns out that whilst I was kept busy by the crew, Byron wandered off into the trees to try and explain to my girlfriend that she was being manipulated by me and that I was some kind of dangerous predator who was using her ! I am happy to report that we still engage in all kinds of exhibitionistic sexual practices to this day including porn for Television X and live sex shows at Swingers clubs. She hasn’t been trafficked and has to sign off such practices of her own volition !

  I didn’t advertise that I was on the programme (I never do when I’m in the media). I’m not really worried about if I look suitably glamorous (glasses or otherwise) or not as I’m perfectly secure within myself. However, my mum saw it after her brother said I was on TV. She wasn’t amused and we didn’t speak for two years afterwards. My sister phoned up and started calling me a pervert. I wouldn’t tolerate that from anybody else so why should I tolerate it from her ? We became estranged for some time.

  The BBC went out of their way to act as homewreckers. Whilst they didn’t deliberately try and upset my mother and sister they did try and split me up with my girlfriend. To say I was appalled and disgusted was to understate the fact. It was then made worse that they cut out the reference to being an author (the only reason for doing it in the first place) !

  As I had this part of the agreement in writing (that my only recompense for appearing in the programme was to be my free advertising) they had breached a contract in my view. The programme also included several other people, who like me had written books, but unlike me were all given credit for the books they had written. I was singled out for negative treatment, for some reason. The BBC don’t seem to approve when you question their capabilities at spending the taxpayers hard earned money.

  I took them to court and asked for recompense for the contractual breach. The judge’s body language said he didn’t like me when I walked in. Being a stripper seems to do this to people ! He somehow ruled that the contractual breach wasn’t relevant and he found against me. I wasn’t feeling too great about the whole experience by this point !

  The BBC had tried to turn my girlfriend against me. My mother and sister were calling me names and we didn’t speak for some time. The BBC had profited from my involvement and because they are the establishment, it seems that another aspect of the establishment could decree that it was OK that they didn’t have to pay me for my involvement. Being a stripper and proud of the fact sometimes felt more than it was worth.

  You can perhaps now understand that when I am approached by TV execs, I am usually skeptical as to their motives. Also, given that I didn’t trust the BBC when they approached, I took the precaution of getting what I wanted in writing, (and they still didn’t deliver). Even given this it was still unenforceable in court, what on earth is one meant to do when approached by these untouchable government run monopolistic institutions ? I figured I’d win if I appealed and took it out of the jurisdiction of a district judge who perhaps felt it was within his discretion to bend the law. However, the legal process is only open to those with deep pockets and the BBC have very deep pockets. I left it there and just shook my head. It would have cost thousands to appeal it and I suspect they would simply buy the entire process. They could afford it after all, dragging it out and delaying it if they wanted to. I couldn’t. It’s a sad reality that the legal process is won generally by those who have the biggest pile of cash. The issues at hand are usually secondary.

  A few friends have derided me for referring to myself as a ‘failed athlete’. Indeed, on my 2nd book (Predator Deathmatch) I used those words in the author blurb on the back cover ! I should probably clarify as people often misunderstand the numbers. I chose to compete in a sport in which all 7 billion people on the planet as some point in their lives have had a go at – running fast. Usain Bolt is at the top of an immense talent pool. If you’d trained in tennis by contrast, from a young age, you’d have a good chance of making it. Hardly anybody plays it at all (as a percentage). The talent pool is very small because it’s expensive and therefore elitist. For example, I read that after entering his first ever tourname
nt Andre Agassi achieved a world ranking of 600 and something. If he was a sprinter by contrast he would struggle to break the top million! I failed in an incredibly competitive sport.

  Since the first edition I have broken three Guinness world records for lifting for an hour. The one I am genuinely proud of is the deadlift record (the sumo deadlift and atlas stones will soon be broken I’m sure). When I first noticed it in the Guinness book I felt I could break it and did so. Someone then broke my mark by the narrowest of margins but I have since taken it back. I did this at the White Swan in East London, the only gay venue in London left standing and still putting on strippers. It appeared in the Guinness book of records and I’m mentioned on the same page as Mariusz Pudzianowski (5 times world’s strongest man). I’m extremely proud of this and it is reward for all the effort put it.

  Don’t get me wrong, the term ‘world record’ is relative. I hold numerous ‘world records’ for powerlifting and weightlifting organizations but they are nothing of the sort. For starters you need to be a member of the said organizations to break their records and their member numbers are very small. Usain Bolt is a world record holder because 7 billion people can’t beat him. If you have beaten a thousand members who think they are weightlifters, this is all well and good but it isn’t a ‘world record’.