A Shadow's Breath

by Nicole Hayes

  ‘Anyway …’

  ‘How’s your hair?’ She studied the blue-dye stain on her fingertips.

  ‘Yeah, it’s good. I really like it. Thanks.’

  ‘Not bad for a first time.’ Tessa waited, but the silence stretched. ‘Okay, well, lunch tomorrow?’

  ‘Um. Yeah. I can’t. We’ve got stuff. Drama stuff.’ Yuki’s voice lifted, a little pitchy, at the end.

  ‘Okay,’ Tessa said, because she didn’t know what else to say. ‘Later then.’

  ‘Yeah. Later. After school, or when we’re done. Okay?’

  Tessa nodded. A thickness in her throat. ‘Sure. Later.’

  The smell of dirt in her nostrils. Sprawled on the earth, she lifts her head and sees a rock centimetres from her nose. Tessa blinks. Swallows, but her mouth is so dry she can’t even manage that. She rolls over, eases herself up to sit. She flexes the fingers of her good arm, turns her wrist and flexes again. She must have instinctively reached out to break her fall. She surveys her legs with difficulty, stretching them out in front of her. They’re scraped, but she can wiggle her toes, can bend her knees stiffly. She pauses for a moment, gathering herself, before she manages to stand.

  Nick is brushing himself off, looking shaky and unsure.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asks, preparing to move on.

  ‘Nice footwork,’ he says.

  The effort at humour is so laboured that it makes her want to cry. The situation suddenly feels more dire than she’d imagined. Tessa stifles a shiver of fear in her chest. She can’t let him see this. Can’t give it life.

  They continue on, pushing through a thicket, forcing their way into a clearing that opens onto a wide, green embankment. Everywhere around her is lush and verdant. All the brown, dry scrub has been replaced with leafy bushes, clumps of fern and grass; smooth, water-worn pebbles and rocks line the way to a steep bank which she is certain edges the river.

  Tessa staggers down the embankment, smelling the river before she sees it. And then it’s there, in front of her eyes – the most beautiful sight.

  She sprints towards it like a thing possessed, dropping her backpack along the way. Nick’s footsteps an echo of hers. She wades in, feels the ground disappear beneath her feet as the river deepens abruptly. A flash of panic, but then she rights herself and finds her footing. Relief bubbles up inside her as she sinks into the icy water. The cold against her cheeks robs her of breath. A sharp splitting behind her temples. She bursts through the surface, gasping for air, but without fear this time. She flips her hair over on the way up, delighting in the icy droplets that run down her neck, her collar, her back.

  A feeling of power courses through her so that the tips of her fingers tingle and her nose burns ice-cold. You can do this, her body seems to tell her.

  You can do this.

  Tessa looked at the message she’d typed on her phone. Good luck today! is all it said, but this was her fourth draft and she still wasn’t sure it was right. Should she add ‘on your first day’? Or would her mum know that’s what she meant? Tessa shook off the indecision, realising how stupid she was acting. She pressed Send.

  The reply was quick: Thank you, Tess! Love, Mum.

  As simple as that, and Tessa’s whole day had shifted. She tucked her phone away and returned to her sketchbook as more students filed in. She was in the back of the class, working on a new drawing. She traced the fine lines of the image in front of her, a rough sketch of Nick this time, done by memory, capturing only a ghost of him, a hint of him. She rubbed at his jawline, narrowed it, sharpened it, then shaded the contours of his cheeks. Better.

  Lara took a seat beside her. ‘Hey.’

  Matt C and Georgie Birch, a St Kath’s girl Tessa had barely spoken to, filled the rest of the back row, both of them nodding at Tessa like old mates as they settled into their seats.

  ‘Nice drawing,’ Lara said. ‘It looks just like him.’

  Tessa felt a prickle and slid the sketchbook under her binder, out of view. ‘Thanks.’

  She wasn’t sure it was a compliment, all of it loaded and, frankly, weird. She tried to think of something to change the subject – something offhand and funny – but the silence filled the space around her so that any comment would now sound unnatural. Tessa slouched in her seat, drained by this small failure.

  She looked up as Ms Bainbridge entered the room. A murmur rippled across the class.

  ‘Ms Alessandro won’t be in today. So you’re stuck with me for the next two hours.’

  ‘Brilliant. We have to be here, but she chucks a sickie,’ Matt said, and about half the class laughed.

  ‘Maybe she got lucky,’ Tas Keene said, too quietly for Ms Bainbridge to hear, but she noted the series of sniggers that followed.

  ‘I don’t want to know what you said, Mr Keene. Let’s pretend you’re not thirteen and see if you can make the most of these advanced classes.’ She smiled at the quieting room. ‘Ms Alessandro has left instructions you’re to continue working on your project, so can you all take your places and get to work?’

  Chairs scraped, voices rose, everyone headed for their easels lined up under the windows and set to work.

  At different moments, Tessa would have to collect herself, pull it together, overwhelmed by this new world. Like when she glanced up at Lara, right beside her, that perfect forehead dented with the faintest frown of concentration as she struggled with the finer lines of her work. When she asked Tessa a question about technique, certain Tessa would know. Or when Matt shook his head at Tessa, palms up in surrender, a sign of solidarity in this frustrating but necessary task. Or the easy way Georgie didn’t even look up when Tessa asked to borrow her fan brush, returning it to be met with a distracted nod, and the text message in her pocket saying simply Love, Mum – all of it so natural and familiar. And Tessa would drag her focus back to her painting, a reassuring warmth spreading through her at these careless, tiny gestures, all of them layered with a feeling she’d rarely experienced in the confines of her own town – that she belonged.

  ‘I love that colour!’ Lara said, as Tessa mixed a bruised purple on the palette. She’d intended it to have more red, but somehow it didn’t work.

  Tessa smiled crookedly. ‘I’m not sure how I did it.’

  ‘Me neither!’ Lara said, laughing at her own picture – a seascape, with white tips and gulls soaring overhead. The gull she was working on, though, looked more like a dog with wings. ‘I suck at this. Give me a camera and some good lighting any day.’

  ‘That shot of your mum was really cool,’ Tessa said, meaning it.

  Lara grinned. ‘Thanks.’

  Tessa hesitated, not wanting to let the moment pass. ‘I wanted to know what she was looking at. The way she held her head, her hand reaching out towards something … It was like she was expecting someone.’

  Lara nodded, delight pinking her cheeks. ‘That’s exactly what I was going for.’ She shook her head. ‘Mum enjoyed it way too much. She’ll probably weasel her way into all my work, if I let her.’ She shrugged prettily. ‘Parents.’

  Tessa’s mouth didn’t even twitch.

  ‘Almost time, class,’ Ms Bainbridge announced before Tessa had to find a way to respond.

  ‘That was quick,’ she said instead, beginning to pack away her tools. ‘So you’re helping Yuke with her film?’

  ‘Yeah. I think it’ll be fun.’

  Tessa nodded. ‘Cool … Is that something you’re into as well?’

  Lara held a pot of murky water in one hand, a dripping brush in the other. ‘Photography or film – I like all of it, really.’

  ‘It’s great for Yuke, anyway. To have help.’

  Lara frowned quizzically. ‘Yeah. It’ll be great.’

  Tessa turned back to her painting, lifted it off the easel, careful not to smudge the edges where she gripped the canvas, and carried it into the drying room. She found a spot against the wall and stood it there.

  ‘You coming to lunch?’

  Tessa startled and
looked up to find Zane watching her, waiting. ‘Zane.’

  ‘That would be me. Where’d you go off to?’

  ‘Um, what? I was right here, in class.’

  He laughed. ‘So cute. I mean, where was your head?’

  ‘Oh. Right.’ And then she smiled because, seriously, where was her head? ‘You know us artistic types.’

  ‘I’m getting that. So? What will it be?’

  Tessa shook her head, bemused. ‘You’re going to have to walk me through this.’

  ‘Lunch. It’s a meal eaten during the day –’

  ‘I’m familiar with the term.’

  ‘Good. So. We’re all having “lunch”,’ he said, inserting air quotes, ‘at the new cafe across the street, ingeniously called Carrima Cafe. I hear they do a toasted cheese and ham.’

  Tessa smiled. ‘And ham?’

  ‘MasterChef, look out, hey?’ Zane nodded at the painting. ‘Something you need to tell us, Tessa Gilham?’

  ‘It’s a painting. Comprised of canvas and paints of differing substances applied with a –’

  ‘I deserved that.’ He smirked. ‘I mean, it’s dark.’

  Tessa frowned at the painting. Was it? She shrugged. ‘That’s me.’

  He winked, grinning. ‘All the best people are.’

  Lara appeared beside him. ‘Ready?’

  ‘Yeah. Tessa?’

  She glanced at Lara and saw the slightest nod of encouragement. ‘I’ll meet you there.’

  Tessa dried her hands at the sink and was about to head out the door, after having another look at her painting, when Ms Bainbridge appeared beside her.

  ‘Hi, Tess.’

  She wished she could cover her work, Zane’s words echoing in her thoughts. ‘Hi, Ms Bainbridge.’

  ‘That’s powerful stuff there.’

  Tessa glanced out to the hall, where Lara and Zane were no longer in view. She didn’t want to walk into the cafe late. Where would she sit? What if no one else knew she was coming? She didn’t even know who would be there – other than Zane and Lara. Georgie and Matt probably? God, would Paddy be there too? He often hung around Matt for reasons Tessa failed to understand …

  ‘Tess?’

  They both stared at the painting. Tessa had been quite proud of it only moments ago. Now, suddenly, she felt exposed by it. It was so raw, so wild. Dark, like Zane had said. She could see it as plain as if the words were scrawled across it. She wished Ms Alessandro had been at school today. This was her art class, not counselling.

  ‘How are you doing?’ Ms Bainbridge asked gently.

  ‘Fine. Great.’

  ‘Good to hear. Any chance I can see you at lunchtime?’ The counsellor’s voice had a light ‘by the way’ tone to it.

  ‘Um, I’m meeting friends.’ Is that what they were? Lara and Zane? It seemed a big word for the handful of exchanges they’d had.

  ‘Tomorrow then – during recess?’ She smiled briskly. ‘My office.’

  Tessa nodded, trapped. Felt the ground slide underneath her.

  Tessa reaches out across the surface, feeling the skin of the water under her fingertips, and wades in deeper. The icy cold blissfully dulling the pain in her injured shoulder. Leaves and twigs bob on the surface, caught in a gently eddying whirlpool ahead. She closes her eyes, lets the lull and pull of the water buoy her before she slips under again. She opens her eyes and peers into the black. Light filters through the ripples, dust flecks suspended like a thousand tiny stars.

  She lifts her feet, lets the water hold her and drifts. Weightless and timeless, she lets all of it go …

  Dark around the edges, creeping nearer, closing in. The weightlessness is suddenly too much. Panic surges through her, and then she’s clamouring for air, clawing at the water, her feet anchors, her lungs squeezed dry. She explodes to the surface, gulping and gasping and scrambling, reaching for anything that might help her stay afloat.

  She twists around, trying to find Nick, fear seizing her when she can’t. Spluttering and choking, she strikes out towards the riverbank. Her feet touch earth, and she is able to drag herself to the safety of the shore, where she collapses exhausted and numb, too tired to speak or think or even worry. Too tired to breathe.

  She sees him then, emerging from across the river, and it immediately calms her.

  ‘Tess?’

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘That was a little scary,’ he says.

  ‘A little.’

  ‘Don’t do that again.’

  ‘No more swimming.’

  ‘That’s not what I mean.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Promise.’

  ‘Okay,’ she says, but isn’t sure she can keep it.

  ‘You need to be strong.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I need you,’ he says.

  She nods, and for the tiniest second, Tessa is Tessa again, and Nick is Nick. Two people in love. The tension forgotten. Their connection absolute.

  He’s smiling that smile that stole her heart. Water glistens in his hair, his breath ragged. And then there’s no space between them. Lips. Skin. Water. Heat. The seconds tick over, the world stays still, lost in the rush of mouth against mouth, skin on skin, flesh hot and alive.

  Tessa moved through the cafe towards the courtyard out the back. Tall potted palms and yuccas crowded the tables, a vertical garden on the wall, leafy ferns cascading from mesh baskets. It was full and busy, which wasn’t surprising since new cafes rarely opened in Carrima, or even Beringal, nowadays. Both towns seemed only to be shrinking as Tessa grew older, with kids moving to the cities or to other regional areas where there was actual work, actual hope. She spotted Zane in the corner, sitting at two tables pushed together with a bunch of St Kath’s students she didn’t know well. Then she recognised the back of Lara’s head –

  And Yuki’s blue-streaked hair right next to it.

  Tessa stopped.

  ‘Tess!’ Zane called out, and Lara and Yuki turned as one. Yuki’s eyes widened with surprise, but then she adjusted her expression and waved.

  Tessa fixed a smile on her face, knowing she couldn’t bail now. She didn’t let herself think about why she wanted to as she headed towards them. ‘Hey,’ she said, hearing the brittle edge to her voice, determined to fight through it.

  ‘Hey, Tess.’ Yuki and Lara both welcomed her.

  Zane reached for her hand. ‘Sit here,’ he said, guiding her to the empty seat next to his. ‘I need cover. For perving.’

  Tessa tried to discreetly follow his line of vision, guessed it had something to do with Matt C, who was standing at the counter. Zane released a deep, heartfelt sigh.

  ‘Give it a rest,’ Lara said, shaking her head.

  ‘Right. Like you can talk,’ he responded.

  Lara’s gaze flickered towards Tessa, before she frowned at Zane. ‘Nice.’

  Zane winked. ‘It’s all good, love.’

  ‘I thought you had some drama thing,’ Tessa said to Yuki, forcing a cool she didn’t feel.

  Yuki lifted an eyebrow. ‘This is it.’

  ‘Huh.’

  Yuki leant across the table, rested her elbows on top. ‘Have you ordered?’

  ‘No.’ Tessa didn’t have enough money for lunch. She had something from home packed in her schoolbag. Pita this time, with tuna salad and cos lettuce. Her mum had made it, again, like this would be a regular thing.

  ‘Come on. I’ve got this.’ Yuki looked around for a waiter.

  Tessa blushed, hating how Yuki knew everything about her. Knew her actual thoughts sometimes. ‘It’s fine. I’m not hungry.’ She actually wasn’t. Seeing Yuki there had pretty much killed any hunger pangs she’d had.

  ‘God. Seriously, Tess. Lighten up!’ Yuki shook her head, frustration sharp in her voice.

  Tessa froze, felt the heat of everyone’s stares, the embarrassment of being the focus of unwanted attention. Again. Always.

  Yuki faltered then. ‘I mean, it’s no big.’

  Tessa noted the way La
ra’s gaze dropped to the glass of water in front of her. She picked it up, started to swirl it. Zane braved a half smile, but the others just looked away.

  Zane stood up. ‘I might order at the counter. Anyone?’

  Tessa sat there, waiting while everyone gave Zane their orders. She wanted to walk out, and pushed back her chair, ready to bolt, but Lara’s hand fell on hers.

  ‘Don’t go,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Yeah, Tess. Sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound like that.’ Yuki looked pale, and Tessa felt a twinge in her chest.

  ‘Tessa? Having coffee?’ Zane said, waiting.

  She had maybe four dollars in her pocket. And she didn’t want to be stuck there. But leaving would be excruciating too. She glanced at the menu. Coffee was three dollars fifty. ‘Latte – skinny. Thanks.’

  Zane offered a quick smile before he headed off to the counter. The moment over, Tessa relaxed a little, feeling the hard back of the chair dig into her shoulderblades.

  ‘Did Yuki tell you about the trip?’

  Tessa glanced at Yuki. ‘No.’

  ‘I thought I did?’ Yuki’s voice lifted at the end like a question.

  ‘The Friday after we’re done, we’re heading to my family’s beach house up the coast,’ Lara said. ‘You should come.’

  Tessa glanced away, feeling both trapped and flattered. ‘I’m not sure what my plans are yet,’ she said. She hadn’t let herself think that far in advance for ages. It was too tricky. Too unpredictable.

  ‘It’ll be great – a mini schoolies. You know, practice for next year. Everyone’s going to be there …’ Yuki added, as though Tessa would consider that a selling point.

  She frowned. ‘Um …’

  ‘You should come,’ Yuki said quietly, and Tessa felt another stab in her chest.

  ‘It’ll be huge,’ Lara said.

  Tessa’s idea of huge was almost certainly different to Lara’s. She didn’t need to drive three hours to a virtual stranger’s beach house to experience a drunken party. She’d had more of them than hot breakfasts in recent years.