He sat down beside her, immediately taking her into his arms. “Thinking about Riley?” he asked quietly, sympathy for her grief making his voice husky.
Billie, shook her head. “No, I’m thinking about Moss.” Suddenly she turned, wrapping him in her embrace. “Darling, I must tell you something, but first I want to tell you that I love you. I’ll always love you. I need for you to know that, without a doubt. I need for you to believe in me.”
Thad’s apprehensions intensified. He accepted her embrace, feeling as though it would be the last time he would ever hold her in his arms, and listened while she told him of Paul McDermott’s visit and his news about Moss. With each word, Thad’s heart sank lower and lower. He wished he didn’t love her so much, so that he could argue with her, fight her, beat her if necessary, to make her see what she was doing to the both of them, to their love.
“I don’t know if he’ll have me,” Billie was saying, “but I know I have to try. Can you understand, Thad?”
He buried his lips in her hair, inhaling the fragrance of her shampoo. “I can only try to understand. Yes, dammit, I do understand, but I don’t want to! I don’t want to share you again! I want you for myself, Billie. Dammit, I’ve waited too long as it is and I don’t want to wait any longer!” In anger and frustration, he tore himself from her arms and paced the room in his long-legged stride, running his long fingers through his hair. “Don’t look at me that way, Billie. Yes, I’m angry—hell, I’m mad! I think I could almost hate you right this minute. You’re asking me to be noble again and I don’t want to be. I wish I didn’t care about Moss or the years I’ve known him and loved him. I wish he were dead already and this was over and done with.” Thad’s face crumpled with anguish. “I love you, damn you, and you’re taking yourself away from me!”
Billie ran to him, forcing her arms around him, giving him what comfort she could. He hadn’t said anything she hadn’t already told herself. All the hateful things; all the things she didn’t mean. She felt Thad relent, felt his arms opening to her, and he held her for a long time. Then he left her arms and moved toward the door. She choked back a sob. He was leaving, then, leaving her with a broken heart. She wanted to cry out that he shouldn’t leave her, not ever.
Thad stopped short of the door, standing before the desk, his eyes, like her own, immediately drawn to Sawyer’s picture. He picked up the phone and dialed, waiting a long moment before someone answered.
“Hello! Moss? Thad here. Listen, I found I was able to make it to this great state of Texas for a good old-fashioned Christmas. I stopped by to see Billie and we were just thinking how good Sunbridge would look to us right now. Have you got your tree up? ... Then we’ll just have to come and decorate it for you!”
Billie sank down onto the sofa, burying her face in her hands, tears streaming from her eyes. Thad. Dear Thad.
“Yes, Sawyer is coming to spend Christmas with Billie; she’s coming in later this afternoon.... Just a minute, I’ll ask her.” Covering the receiver with his hand, Thad spoke to her. “Moss said his chauffeur is already in town and if we’d like, he can stay to pick Sawyer up at the airport. He sounds as though he’s glad to have us come, Billie. We can leave now or we can wait for Sawyer.”
Unable to meet his glance, Billie said simply, “Tell him to have Ephraim meet Sawyer. We can be at Sunbridge in a little over an hour, if he’d like. Ask him to have the heat turned on in my old studio.”
There. It was so simple. Who ever said you can’t go home again?
Sawyer Coleman, with the aid of the chauffeur, slid and skidded down the incline to Billie’s studio. Laughing and giggling, she scooped up snow and tossed it at the stern man carrying her baggage. Her own shopping bags, filled with brightly wrapped packages, were scattered all about the lawn. “It’s Christmas, Ephraim. Smile,” she teased, then set about gathering up her damp packages and shoving them helter-skelter into her shopping bags. She could tell Ephraim felt that at twenty-one one should be more grown-up. Ha! Well, her grandmother loved a good snowball fight; she wouldn’t have to coax her too hard.
“Grand! I’m home! Merry Christmas!”
“Sawyer! I was so worried. Was the plane late?”
“There’s a storm out there.” Young arms reached out and the embrace was warm, tender, and full of love. “You look wonderful, Grand. I bet you got some new accounts. But what’s that sad look in your eyes? You always said a smile had to reach the eyes to count. I want to hear all about it.”
Billie laughed. “And so you shall. All in good time. You are as gorgeous as ever. It must be all those carrots and string beans I made you eat when you were little.”
Sawyer turned. “Thank you, Ephraim. I’m sorry about the snow. I’m just happy to be home. Being here at Sunbridge is such a surprise and it’s something I always used to do when I was little. It wasn’t fair to you. Forgive me.”
Billie watched the stern chauffeur melt and smile at her granddaughter. Even the staunchest diehard responded to Sawyer’s beautiful smile. When the door closed behind him, Billie questioned her. “What was that all about?”
“I felt like a snowball fight,” Sawyer gurgled. “What do you say, Grand?”
“Sounds good to me. Let me get my boots and parka.” How wonderful this child could make her feel. She could almost forget.... Almost.
Billie stopped in the hallway to take a long look at her granddaughter. Tall and slim, with honey-colored hair that fell to her shoulders in soft waves. For a minute Billie saw her as a little girl again, tucking her hair into a powder-blue parka with white lamb’s wool around the edges. Those years, would they always haunt her? “I don’t know which is bluer,” Billie said affectionately, “your eyes or the parka. You should wear blue more often.”
Sawyer preened for her grandmother. “Got my first semester marks ahead of schedule. Fourth in my class. I’m almost a certified aeronautical engineer. What do you think of that?”
“I think it’s wonderful.... Sawyer, I want you to find the time to make your grandfather talk to you. I want him to know what you’ve done and how well you’ve done. It’s important.”
Sawyer sobered instantly. So, that was the reason for the sadness in her grandmother’s eyes. She should have known. “I’ll try. We have so much in common, but he simply isn’t interested.”
“He will be now. I think he’s looking forward to your visit. You have to make him talk. Use every trick you know.”
“I will, I will. Why are you so tense? Unwind. Come on, this snowball fight is just what we both need to get rid of all of our hostilities for a little while.”
They rolled and tumbled in the carpet of white for what seemed like hours. They threw snowballs and pelted each other with great handfuls of the soft flakes. They laughed and shrieked until they were breathless.
Standing at the top of the hill with his cap pushed back on his head, Thad Kingsley watched the women with a wide grin on his face. “Hey,” he called, “can you use another body?”
“Thad!” The cry of pure delight was almost more than Thad could bear, especially after the difficult hours he’d just spent with Moss.
“Uncle Thad!” How wonderful the young voice sounded, so much like Billie’s had years ago.
“Well?”
“If you think you can handle us, come on,” Sawyer cried happily.
Thirty minutes later Thad’s impeccable navy blues were covered with snow. His shiny black shoes were crusted with ice, and he complained that his feet were frozen and his ears were frostbitten.
“Let’s hear it for womanhood!” Sawyer shouted.
“Yaaah!” Thad croaked hoarsely. “Now can we go in?”
“I was just getting warmed up,” Billie teased. “I know I could last out here at least another two minutes. Had enough, Sawyer?”
“Yeah. I’m hungry. Why don’t we call Grandpap to come down for something to eat?”
“Call him,” Billie said, trying to shake the snow from her parka. “Better yet, since you lo
ve the cold, why don’t you go up to the house and invite him in person?” She glanced at Thad for confirmation.
“Do that, Sawyer,” he agreed. “I just left him a little while ago and I know he was going back into his workroom. Tear the old boy away, if you can.”
Billie linked her arm in Thad’s and they headed for the studio. “It’s going to be a wonderful Christmas. I don’t know if Moss will cooperate, but I sure as hell am going to try. We’re going to try.”
Thad frowned. “I just spent two hours with him and he didn’t say a word to me, just wanted to talk about old times. If he knows about us, Billie, he didn’t say anything. Something tells me he’ll be glad for the company this Christmas.”
Billie stood for a moment, looking up into Thad’s face. “Have I ever told you I think you’re wonderful?” she asked softly, watching the love flow into his eyes.
“You’re pretty wonderful yourself, darling, and I love you, very much.” Billie was aware of Thad’s trembling hands and the moistness in his eyes. She pretended not to see. “You never took your suitcase up to the big house; it’s still in the car. You’d better get out of that wet uniform. You can use the bathroom and I’ll change in my room.”
Billie and Thad were just getting the fireplace going when Sawyer bounded into the studio. “Hot toddies coming up!” she called gaily, heading directly for the kitchen to heat the water. “Grandpap said he already had something to eat but that he’d come down later for a drink. We’ll all be together. Won’t that be nice?”
“Yes, it will be very nice.”
“Almost like a family again.” Sawyer smiled brightly.
If there was one word in the English language Billie hated, it was “almost.” In many ways, it summed up her life. Everything was almost. Almost married. Almost divorced. Almost loved. Moss was almost dead. God, she hated that word.
“I want to unpack and see if I can dry off my Christmas presents,” Sawyer said. “You don’t mind, do you, Grand?”
“Of course not. You go along. Thad and I will sit here before the fire and pretend that that little bit of snow invigorated us.”
“Speak for yourself, woman,” Thad teased. “If you could have gone on for another two minutes, I could have topped you at three.”
“I have news for you both.” Sawyer laughed. “I couldn’t have stood that cold air for one more minute.”
“What can I do?” Thad asked the minute Sawyer’s door closed.
“Be there if he needs you. Be the friend you’ve always been.”
“Moss was supposed to live forever,” Thad said in a choked voice.
“I know. That’s what we all thought. I don’t think Moss was ever aware of his own mortality. Even now I don’t know if he comprehends what’s going on. Why?” Billie cried in a strangled voice.
“It’s his time. It’s going to happen to all of us.”
“To us, yes. To Moss, never. I’m having trouble accepting it. I hope and pray that I’ll do the right things, say the right words.”
Billie’s brokenhearted words tore at Thad. He should be comforting her. “Look at us. We’re acting as though it’s over. Moss would never want a wake. We have to accept it because there is nothing else we can do.”
“He never came out of it after Riley died. Not even the death of his father affected him as intensely. That’s when he sold Coleman Aviation and devoted himself to what I call his dream plane. It’s all he’s done for the past years. He blames himself for Riley’s death.
“I remember when he returned from Japan after Riley had been killed. It was as if he’d simply caved in. I’ve often wondered what happened. I thought he went to see you. I never asked because I thought it was a private matter between the two of you. Can you tell me now what he spoke of and why he felt the need to go all the way to Japan to see you?”
Thad thought he was going to swallow his tongue. He knew someday this was going to come up. Still, he wasn’t prepared for it. Should he lie? Should he tell the truth? Which was worse? He didn’t know. She was looking at him so strangely, waiting for his answer. “He needed comforting. The kind of comforting one man can give another.” Would she hear the lie in his voice?
Billie stared at Thad for a long time. The words didn’t ring true, but this wasn’t the time to press the issue. Let it lie. Don’t raise old ghosts. Someday ...
After a sketchy meal of canned soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, Sawyer, Billie, and Thad settled down in front of the fire, Christmas carols playing softly on the radio. At the sound of a light tapping on the door, Billie opened it to admit Moss. He looked much the same, thinner perhaps, a little more gray in the dark hair. The awkwardness of the moment was saved by Sawyer, who leaped up from her position on the floor and hid her hands behind her back. “Now don’t look, Grandpap. I’m making you something for Christmas and it isn’t finished yet. Close your eyes until I can hide it in my room.”
Thad and Billie laughed aloud. “What’s so funny?” Moss asked.
“We’ve seen what she’s making. I hope you remember it’s the thought that counts. Sawyer is definitely not a needlewoman.”
“I heard that!” the girl protested. “But I do make extremely good toddies. Would you like one, Grandpap?”
“I could use one after that cold walk from the big house.... Say, Sawyer, would you come up to the house in the morning? There’s something on my drawing board I’d like to show you.”
“I’ll be there at first light, Grandpap. I’ve been itching to get into that workroom of yours for years now.”
Sawyer’s statement seemed to please him; a broad grin struck his face. “Your grandmother has told me about your grade point averages in college. I’m proud of you, Sawyer. I have to be honest and say I never thought you’d stick it through: Aeronautics is hardly a profession for a woman.”
“I’m not just any woman, Grandpap. I’m a Coleman woman.”
“Yes, you are. And I’m proud.”
Unable to contain herself, Sawyer spontaneously hugged her grandfather. “I’ve waited a long time to hear you say that. I did what you always said and gave it my best shot.”
“Well, it was a hell of a shot. We’ll talk in the morning. Now I want your grandmother to tell me how her business is going.” He turned to Billie. What was that she saw in his eyes? Was it regret? “That damn housekeeper of mine went out and bought bedsheets, all of them with your signature on them. Christ, all those flowers and Chinese pagodas. When I complained, she asked me if I’d prefer Mickey Mouse or Snoopy.”
After a pleasant evening filled with laughter and reverie, Moss said he had to be getting back to the house if he was to get up in time for Sawyer’s break-of-dawn visit.
“I’ll go easy on you, Grandpap. How’s ten o’clock?”
“Perfect. We’ll rap in the morning. Isn’t that what you youngsters say when you want to talk?”
“Right on, Grandpap.” Sawyer laughed.
“You picked up some savvy along the way, too, I see.”
“Along with my grit and spunk. Grand said I had to have those qualities or I couldn’t be a Coleman.”
“Well, you got them. Now if you’ll excuse me, Billie, I have some work I want to finish before retiring. Thad, there’s something I’d like to show you, if you have the time.”
“My time is yours.”
When the door closed behind them, Sawyer rushed to her grandmother and hugged her. “Did you hear what he said? I can hardly believe my ears. He wasn’t putting me on, was he?”
Billie swallowed hard. “Yes . . . yes, I heard. Isn’t it wonderful?”
“He’s going to show me his dream plane, isn’t he?”
“It doesn’t pay to second-guess your grandfather. Just when you think you have him figured out, he does something completely out of character.”
“What you mean is he throws you a curve and then you’re back at square one....You still love him, don’t you, Grand?” It was said so casually, so softly, that Billie was taken off guar
d.
“I’ll always love Moss.” It was true, she realized. A part of her would always love the dynamic man she married. But that didn’t mean she could never love anyone else, experience the kind of mutual giving and sharing that came later in life, when one was old enough to understand and appreciate it. Enduring love.
“I always loved Grandpap,” Sawyer said quietly. “He was all things to me. I know he had no use for girls. Riley was his life. Riley tried to explain him to me one day. I didn’t understand what he was saying then, but I do now. It wasn’t that Grandpap didn’t love me or my mother, Aunt Susan, too. He never let his thinking go beyond a male heir. He couldn’t conceive that any of us could contribute. That’s what it’s all about, Grand, contributing. Grandpap Seth used to say that women belonged in the house taking care of their men. There’s something beautiful about that. I, for one, would never dispute the fact that men are stronger—physically, I mean. When it counts, though, we’re the stronger ones. Look at the way you handled Riley’s death. Grandmam’s, too. You grieved, but you didn’t fall to pieces. You grew and made a life for yourself despite everything that went on here. I used to hear you cry at night, Grand, when Grandpap had socked it to you in one way or another. Uncle Thad loves you, you know.”
How like Sawyer to talk about one thing and then get to the heart of the real matter without a break in the conversation. “Yes, I know,” Billie replied. “He’s a wonderful person. He’s been a magnificent friend, and I don’t know what I would have done without his support at times. I’ll always be grateful.”
“Grateful is all right. Love is something else. It’s there. If you want it, don’t be afraid to reach out for it.”
“If the time is ever right, I just might do that.... Isn’t all of this a bit heavy for this time of night?”
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