“Okay, now tell me what you want me to do. I’m all yours till the end of January.”
“Christmas has to be as special as we can make it. Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas brunch are all yours. Someone has to fetch a tree and it has to be set up and decorated. There’s still shopping to do.... Look, I don’t think either of us wants to go to bed, so why don’t we make some lists?”
The two women were on their second pot of hot chocolate when the phone rang. They looked at each other. “Answer it,” Billie said nervously. Who would be calling the studio at a quarter to six in the morning?
“Of course I’m awake. Isn’t everyone?” Sawyer said cheerfully into the phone. “I’ll be there in two minutes.
“Grandpap. He’s waiting, for me,” Sawyer called over her shoulder. Billie smiled at the blue streak zipping up the parka, catapulting through the doorway.
Outside her grandfather’s workroom, Sawyer wet her lips, pinched her cheeks, and brushed impatiently at her long hair. Here we go, she thought. Taking a deep breath, she crossed her fingers and tapped softly on the door.
“Come in. You said two minutes. It’s—”
“Three. I lost a boot coming up the hill in the snow.” Sawyer held her foot aloft to show the soaking-wet sock.
Moss nodded. “Don’t ever let little things stand in your way. Take your socks off and sit over there by the heater.”
Sawyer obeyed. Her eyes were hungry, devouring the room that had been forbidden for so long. She loved it, loved every drawing, every scrap of paper, and every pencil in the room. “Can I look around?” Moss nodded.
He watched keenly as Sawyer walked from one wall to the other, finally standing next to him at his drawing board. “Is it done?” she asked in awe.
“Almost.”
“When?”
“Things are slowing me down. I’ve been working day and night for some time now. I just don’t know.”
“Do you have a deadline?”
“A personal one,” Moss replied wryly.
“What can I do?”
“I’m not sure yet. Let’s sit down and talk.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
It was noon when Thad sauntered downstairs and quietly turned the knob on the door of Moss’s workroom. He smiled. Moss was leaning back in a deep chair and Sawyer was sitting at his feet with one boot on and one foot bare. They were deep in conversation. Thad closed the door softly and dressed for outdoors. Billie would want to know about this. He couldn’t wait to tell her.
“It’s something I’ve prayed for for a long time,” she said, smiling. “But it does leave me with problem.” Quickly she showed Thad the lists they’d each made. “Sawyer was going to fetch a tree this morning—get it up and decorated.”
Thad took the lists from Billie’s hands. “Well, why don’t the two of us take care of all of this together?” he asked. “We could go out now to chop down a tree and drag it back to the house and trim it.”
“Oh, Thad, that’d be wonderful! ... Would you like to take the sleigh? There’s one in the big barn. Seth always kept it for the big storms. I imagine it’s rusty, but if we oiled it, we could get it to slide. What do you think?”
“I think that’s a marvelous idea. The big barn, you say?” Billie nodded. “I’ll get a saw and rope and meet you there. Dress warmly. It looks like it’s going to snow again.”
There was something festive, something inspiring, about choosing and cutting down a Christmas tree, and Billie enjoyed the outing in the horse-drawn sleigh. Snuggled with Thad beneath a thick lap robe, she was aware of his body warmth and his powerful presence. Dear Thad. What would she do without him in her life—her one-man emotional support system? She needed him so, especially now. She felt so confused, so ... vulnerable.
“How about that one over there?” Thad asked. “The blue spruce? It’s an eight-footer easy.”
“You’re the man with the saw. The ceilings at Sunbridge are twelve feet high. It’s perfectly shaped,” Billie said, climbing from the sleigh.
“I’ll loop this rope around the middle of the tree, and when I say pull, you pull. But stand clear. I’m going to tie this end of the rope to the back of the sleigh, so you’re going to be pulling slack. Can you do it?”
“Certainly,” Billie bristled. “I’ve helped cut down trees for years. I’m no novice at this. It’s you Yankees that can’t get your act together.”
“I’ll remember you said that. Hold fast now. I’m going to start sawing.”
It was totally unexpected. The minute the monstrous tree hit the ground, Billie herself slid down the side of the sleigh and collapsed in tears. Thad stood by helplessly as sobs racked her body. Then he dropped to his knees and pulled her close to his chest. “Go ahead and cry, Billie. Get it all out.”
“Oh, Thad, what am I to do? I don’t know if I can see this through. If I had gone ahead and divorced Moss, I wouldn’t have to ... I wouldn’t ...”
“Yes, you would. You’d be the first one on the scene and we both know it.”
“I’m so mixed up. I was beginning to get my life in order and thinking about starting the divorce proceedings again. Moss didn’t need me. Months went by when we didn’t see or speak to each other. When I think about it, I get so sick—all those years, Thad! My God, all those years.”
Thad stroked her hair and listened. He felt helpless, out of his depth.
“All these years you’ve been there when I needed you,” Billie said, weeping quietly now. “You never took advantage of my situation. You never made demands. How has your love for me endured all these years?”
“I don’t know. I just know that my feelings have never wavered, never faltered. They have endured and will continue to endure.... In a way it seems heartless to be talking about love now when Moss ... what I mean is, I feel so disloyal.”
“I want you to understand about my commitment to Moss.”
“Shhh,” Thad said, laying his finger on her lips. “I understand. You don’t have to explain anything to me. It isn’t necessary.... Did anyone ever tell you you’re a mess when you cry?”
“I seem to recall you saying that to me at one time or another. Forgive me for breaking down like this. I’m glad it happened here, away from the house. Isn’t it funny ... I don’t mind you seeing me like this, but I don’t want anyone else to see how vulnerable I am.”
“I don’t know if this has anything to do with anything, but I once read somewhere that Freud agonized all his life over the meaning of the word love. When he lay dying, someone asked him for his definition of love, and his answer was ‘Love is letting the other person see your vulnerability.’ I think I have to go along with his answer.”
Billie smiled through her tears. “How like you to have the right words. Someday I’ll let you know if it was the right answer.”
“If you’re done bawling, let’s get this tree home,” Thad said hoarsely.
It was going to be all right.
It was a very special Christmas. Moss closed the door to his workroom and joined them all in the great living room with the huge sparkling tree. He made every effort to join in the holiday spirit. Thad watched as his friend’s eyes traveled from Billie to Sawyer and back to Billie. In the end, these two women, whom he had neglected, had discounted all his life, were going to help him fulfill his dream. How ironic that it had come to this. When he shook hands with Moss the day after Christmas, he knew he would never see him again. At the last moment Moss reached out both arms and drew his friend close. “Hey, you damn Yankee, I don’t think I ever thanked you for being my friend. A guy couldn’t ask for a better friend. We go back a long time. Look, if ... ahh, what I mean ...”
“I’ll take care of her,” Thad said in a choked voice.
Moss’s eyes were full of unasked questions. Thad nodded. Moss sighed wearily. “Does Billie know?” Thad nodded a second time, unable to trust his voice. “Take care of yourself, Thad.”
Thad could feel his throat constrict. Tears trickled
down his cheeks. He made no move to wipe them away. Neither man seemed willing to let go of the other. “You too. If there’s anything I can do . . . if there’s anything you want ... an arm, a leg, a kidney, send out a call.”
“How about your heart? That was always special. You always had heart, Thad.”
“It’s yours.”
“Get out of here before you have me blubbering like baby.” One last bone-crushing hug and the door was closed behind Thad. Tears streaming down his cheeks as he stood outside in the freezing cold. He fished for a handkerchief to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. Then turned smartly, eyes dry, and gave a stiff salute to the closed door.
From his position behind the lace curtain on the door, Moss’s salute was just as snappy.
Sawyer closed herself in Moss’s workroom, allowing her grandfather and grandmother the time they needed to be alone. The blueprints in front of her blurred. How was it all going to end? She wished she knew. For now, she had to make a pretense of working until it was time to leave for the airport. Aunt Amelia and Rand were coming for a post-Christmas visit. Sawyer was excited; it had been ages since she’d seen them. Rand had to be a handsome devil. His pictures in his RAF uniform made her mouth water. Maybe it was time to start thinking about a man in her life....
Minutes later, Sawyer slipped quietly out the side door of the workroom and left the house.
Billie sat on the sofa with Moss. Neither seemed sure of what to say. Moss took the initiative. “I would have told you. I’m sorry that Paul got to you first. I suppose I was trying to find the right time and the right words. I know now there is no right time and no right words. I need you, Billie. You and Sawyer. I can’t do it alone. Maybe if I had more time, more strength, I could pull it off, but I’m no fool. This is one dream you’re going to have to finish for me. There’s not another soul in this world I’d trust to do this for me.”
Billie reached for Moss’s hand. She nodded. “Tell me what to do, what you want of me.”
“I explained the intricacies of it all to Sawyer. She understands. The girl has a head on her shoulders. I never knew that. There’s a lot of things. I never knew. A lot of regrets, Billie. If I had done this ... if I had said that ... this is where I am now. There’s so little time.”
“Treatment?”
“No. It’s too late for that. I need a clear head for what has to be done. Sawyer says she’s free till the end of January and has even agreed not to return to school if I need her. Time now, Billie, is my enemy. I have to do this. I have to succeed. I’m realistic enough to know I may not make my deadline, and that’s why I want your promise, yours and Sawyer’s, that you’ll finish it up for me.”
“I promise. You look tired, Moss. Why don’t you rest for a while? Amelia will be here soon and you’re going to want to spend some time with her. Lay here on the sofa. I promise to wake you when they get here. I’ll get a blanket.”
Moss lay back on the sofa pillows, a grimace of pain stretching across his face. Billie returned with a colorful afghan Jessica had made and covered him. “Billie, I’m sorry.”
There was no use pretending she didn’t know what he was talking about. The time for pretense was gone. “I know you are, Moss. Sleep now.”
“Billie ...”
“Yes, Moss.”
“I really am sorry. Somewhere I got off the track and couldn’t get back on. Forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Moss. It’s past now. History, you always said. I have to be honest ... I do forgive you; but I can’t forget.” She bent over and kissed his cheek. Through her tears she could see his pain-filled eyes.
“You’ll make it, won’t you, Billie?”
“You can count on it, Moss,” she whispered as she brushed the hair back from her husband’s forehead.
“What are you thinking, Billie? Not feeling pity for me, are you?” Moss asked after several quiet moments, watching Billie stare out into space.
“No, not pity, I was just thinking how this is really the first time you’ve ever talked with me this way. It’s the first time you’ve come to me for help. After all these years.”
“I always knew you were there for me, Billie. I always knew I could count on you from the first day we were married.”
Billie turned her head, her eyes searching his. Her fingers had already found his hand and she willed some of her strength to pour into him. “In many ways, Moss, today is my wedding day. This is the day of commitment. We’ve shared something together, you and I. I’ve always loved you, Moss; I love you now, and if I could, I’d live it all again, even the bad times.” Billie swallowed past the lump in her throat. Tears coursed down her cheeks.
“And Thad? You love him, don’t you?”
Billie nodded. “Yes, Moss, I do. But there’s one thing he can never give me, one thing that I need. My dream, Moss. Only you can give me that. The home, the family ... our children. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and it’s what I still want.” She was crying now, trembling with the force of her sobs. Moss took her into his arms, sharing her tears, grieving for the past.
“I don’t deserve what you’re doing for me, Billie. I’ve never deserved you. I knew it then and I know it now. I’ll confess something to you, Billie. Whenever I would think about dying I always knew I wanted it to happen while I was in your arms.” His lips brushed her cheek and their tears mingled.
Sawyer Coleman dug her hands deep into the pockets of her ranch mink jacket, a gift from Moss. The holiday atmosphere of Austin’s airport was gone, leaving only a few disgruntled, weary travelers who kept their eyes on the clock and their ears tuned for flight announcements.
Pan American’s flight 691 had landed and the passengers were deplaning. Aunt Amelia had said she and Rand would clear customs in New York when they changed flights for Austin. Sawyer watched now as a column of passengers made their way up the long carpeted ramp to the main terminal, struggling with their carry-on luggage as they maneuvered to the escalator. She spotted Aunt Amelia and Rand almost immediately and waved. Her mouth felt dry and she could feel a warm flush on her cheeks as Rand scooped her into his arms. “Little Sawyer, all grown up,” he teased with a glint in his deep brown eyes.
“Sawyer, you gorgeous creature!” Amelia trilled. “Didn’t I tell you she was beautiful?” she said to Rand. “Now unhand that girl so she can give me a proper kiss.”
“You should have said ravishing,” Rand corrected Amelia as he released Sawyer. “You were only a tad when I saw you last. Let’s see, you must be all of eighteen or so. Am I correct?”
Sawyer bristled. “I’m past twenty-one, if you must know.” She kissed Amelia soundly on the cheek and offered her own cheek to Rand, who turned her around and kissed her full on the mouth. Sawyer gasped, half in delight and half in annoyance.
“Pretty girls are my downfall.”
“He’s telling you the truth, Sawyer. Beware of him, he has a young woman hiding behind every pole and bush. My son is very handsome; he looks like Robert Redford, don’t you think?”
It was Rand’s turn to look uncomfortable and Sawyer pressed her advantage. “Oh, I don’t know, Aunt Amelia. Perhaps, in a certain light.”
“Why does one simple statement make me sound as though I’ve a wart on the end of my nose?” Rand asked coolly. Brazen, a little brash, but oh, so feminine. She was beautiful and she could blush so prettily. Aunt Billie had described Sawyer as being independent as hell and he had to agree as he met her level gaze and the slightly insolent curve of her smile.
“You said it, not I,” Sawyer bantered lightly. “Look, the baggage is starting to come up. Get it together and I’ll get a porter. My car is out front.”
“Isn’t she a darling child, Rand?” Amelia prompted as she and Rand walked to the baggage area. “I can’t believe she’s twenty-two, or soon will be. That’s old enough to be married. Brainy, too. Runs in the Coleman family. Billie did an amazing job of raising her. Almost as good as I did with you,” she said fondly.
; “She’s not a child, Mother. Those aren’t the eyes of a child,” Rand said knowledgeably.
“She’ll always be a child to me, as will you, here in my heart. Sawyer is the last of the Colemans, and from what Billie tells me, she’s taken Riley’s place in many ways with her grandfather.”
Amelia settled herself in the backseat of Billie’s Mercedes while Rand slipped in beside Sawyer. Checking for traffic, Sawyer gunned the engine and the luxurious sedan growled to life as it spewed snow and ice in its wake. Rand closed his eyes in mock horror. Amelia smiled. This grandniece of hers was just what Rand needed. Wait till she told Billie.
“Where did you learn to drive?” Rand demanded as Sawyer narrowedly missed a snow plow and a pickup truck stuck on the side of the road.
“Actually, I taught myself. I do better flying. Don’t tell me you’re nervous driving with me.”
“Nervous? Petrified would be more like it,” Rand said through clenched teeth.
The heavy car ground to a halt, narrowly missing a snowbank, its tires spinning on an ice patch. Sawyer clenched the wheel in her gloved hands. She turned slightly to face Rand. “The way I see it, Rand, you have two choices. You can either walk the rest of the way to Sunbridge or you can sit there quietly. Make your choice.”
“How far is it to Sunbridge?” Rand asked.
Sawyer burst out laughing. “Forty miles, the way the crow flies. That tender English skin of yours will freeze right up. What’s it going to be?”
Rand threw up his hands. The laughter was there, the tone was half-teasing, but the eyes were something else. She would have booted his tail out of the car. Goddamn it, where had this one been all his life? Growing up. He decided he liked the finished product. “Drive.”
The rearview mirror told Sawyer her aunt approved. Why was her heart beating so fast and why was her mouth so dry? This man was having an effect on her she didn’t like. He was too damn handsome, too damn knowing, too damn observant. It was obvious she wasn’t what he’d expected, just as he wasn’t quite what she had expected. She wasn’t in the market for a fling or any kind of a relationship. She had things to do and she was totally committed to Billie and Moss. Whatever feelings she was experiencing for this man would only clutter things up. Besides, he probably thought she was too young for him.
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