Taboo Unchained

by C. M. Stunich

  Since the cops want to search my car, I hand them the keys and walk to Audra Holiday's house after a brief frisking.

  “Thank the fucking Gods,” she growls, gesturing me into her little yellow house with an impatient hand. I notice that she's still wearing the engagement ring. Her red hair is curled into a messy bun, and she's got on a loose sweater and red skinny jeans. This is the prettiest I have ever seen her look.

  “Robbie is missing,” I say before Audra can interrupt. We lock gazes, my green eyes boring into hers. I want her to see how important this is. I want her to help me.

  “You think it's Lloyd? With a gut wound?”

  “Never underestimate crazy,” I tell her, wishing I could be this calm all the time, this self-assured. Deep down I worry that maybe this confidence is born of fear, that something will happen to Robbie that I can never take back, that I can never undo. “We have to move quickly. It's already been several hours since she's gone missing.” Audra swallows and disappears into the kitchen. When she comes back, she has a pistol in one hand and a knife in the other. I watch her stuff them both into a purse.

  “I have pepper spray, too,” she tells me, pulling something from the depths of the gold and brown purse. It's my father's knife. I don't remember losing it, but there it is, in her delicate fingers. “This is for you.” I take the knife as Audra sighs and twirls the engagement ring around and around. “So, Lucas Carter, tell me, where do we start?”

  I hold the weapon in my palm, examining it with a critical eye. Audra stands silently by my side, like she's reflecting the feelings of my heart, telling me she could be the woman of my nightmares.

  This is not a movie; I don't have a sudden inkling of where Lloyd Owens might have taken Robbie. We are nowhere near the scene of the original crime. All I can do is stand here and think, hard.

  “How did you find Lloyd?” I ask Audra, needing her to tell me the truth, give me an answer that'll wipe away the fog and reveal Robbie underneath. She turns away, sliding her hand over her scalp until it hits her bun.

  “Once I'd done the online search and knew Lloyd's name, I did some math.”

  “Math?”

  I use my left hand to spin the knife in a circle, like a top. My sweaty palm turns the weapon into a compass that ends up pointing straight at Audra's face.

  “Lloyd Owens was incarcerated in the same prison as my father. I did the math. They were there at the same time.” Audra swallows painfully. “I called my brother who called in a favor from a prison guard that used to work there … ” She sighs and puts her face in her hands. It's obviously quite painful for her to bring up the father of not just her physical self, but also her demons. “Anyway, I guess he still works there. He was able to drum up an address for me. I found it and matched the physical address to a phone number. I took a chance and called, dropped your name, and well … ” Audra sucks in a sobbing breath. “I'm sorry I fucked it all up.”

  “It's not your fault,” I tell her, inundating my brain with that statement of truth. I can't and won't blame anyone but myself for what's happened. I'm the one that decided to arrange the meeting, even if it was on Audra's suggestion. I'm the one who decided it was a good idea to make an appointment to kill a man. That was me. Me. I am the bad seed here. “And the address?”

  “I went there yesterday, just to see if I was crazy or something. I didn't see Lloyd Owens' name in the articles about Clarice's murder. Anyway, there were cops crawling all over that place, so yeah, maybe they know it was him, but from what I can tell, they don't know where he is.”

  Interesting. Very interesting.

  I let the pieces work themselves together until I come up with an idea. It's far fetched, but what else do I have to go on? If I don't at least try, Robbie will end up like Aliyah – or worse. And trust me, ladies, there is a fate worse than death. I've suffered it: complete and utter helplessness. Take that, mix in some pain, lace it all up with violation, and then, maybe, if you're lucky, you'll be granted the peace of death after.

  Not Robbie. That can't happen to Robbie.

  “Come with me,” I tell Audra, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her out the door. I tuck my father's knife away and take a solid breath of evening air to center myself.

  “Where are we going?” she asks as I struggle to fit into the passenger seat of her Mini Cooper. I put on my seatbelt and beckon Audra to do the same. Getting pulled over for a minor infraction like this? It isn't happening, not today.

  “Lloyd isn't particularly interested in Robbie,” I tell Audra, leaning my head against the back of the seat and tilting my face to look at her emerald eyes and grimly set lips. “He hates me. He blames me for his sister's torture and death. In his eyes, he had to do it because I was such a terrible alternative. He's using Robbie to hurt me, to pull me to him. It would be almost sad if it wasn't so terribly tragic.”

  “So?” she stresses as she pulls the ugly orange little car out of her driveway.

  “So we go to the only place he might go if I'm right, the only place I could even come up with on my own, without a single clue.”

  “Where the fuck is that?” Audra asks as she starts down the street. I nod my chin at the windshield.

  “Just drive. Keeping driving straight until I tell you otherwise.”

  “You're freaking me out, Lucas. I want to know where the fucking hell we're going.”

  I purse my lips.

  “We're going,” I explain as calmly and evenly as I can, “to the ends of the earth.”

  In my hometown, there were only three places for teenagers to hang out: the lake, the mall, and the cemetery. Aliyah and I frequented all three, together, alone, and with friends. Her older half-brother from her father's side was that creepy twenty-something that liked to come along and pretend he was one of the group. Shit, didn't matter if he'd graduated seven years earlier, he was still a kid, right? I should've seen the signs, having grown up with a monster at my back, but I didn't until it was too late and Aliyah was buried shallow.

  He mutilated her, cut her up, rubbed salt in her wounds. Lloyd even went so far as to piss on her body before he shot her in the chest and tossed her into the hole. Lloyd buried the love of my life in cold dirt at the base of the tree where we'd shared our first kiss. When I found her, she was dead, but if I'd been there a little sooner, just a few hours sooner, she might've lived. Aliyah suffocated in her shallow grave, buried in the last place I would ever look – on the side of the highway leading out of town.

  How, how did I find her? That's what everyone wanted to know. Well, the same way I'm hoping to find Robbie. Maybe it's because, on some level, Lloyd and I are the same. We're both prone to violence, filled with monsters, maybe a little crazy. My monsters were made and his were born, true, but we share a few special characteristics. Aliyah had told me that one day, we would get out of town, just hitchhike and get the fuck out of there. I hadn't cared either way, because I had her. But when she went missing, I knew I'd go to the ends of the earth to find her, and so I did. The ends of my earth, anyway. I took my father's beat up piece of shit clunker car and I went for it, hit the highway and sped the fuck out of town. I don't know why I stopped at that particular rest stop. Call it fate if you want, but when I saw the churned dirt, I felt compelled to check it out. As if, perhaps, even if death Aliyah and I were connected.

  So I get Audra started down the highway. Granted, the city we live in now is at least twenty times the size of my hometown, but it doesn't matter. The ends of the earth. That's where I'll go to find Robbie, just as I went for Aliyah. Lloyd could be north, south, east, but I know he'll be west. That's where I found Aliyah, and that's where I'll find Robbie.

  As soon as the houses fall away and the landscape turns to thick forested nothingness, I know we're on the right track.

  “Here,” I tell Audra as we come up on the first state sponsored rest stop. The area is cluttered with semi-trucks and filled with families, using the toilets, the vending machines, all of them ridiculously u
naware of the crisis that's taking place right under their noses.

  Audra pulls into a parking space; I'm out before she gets a chance to come to a complete stop. I start searching then – through the windows of parked vehicles, the cabs of trucks, every single stall in both bathrooms. I break a window on the back of the unmanned visitor's center and crawl inside. Nothing. In the trees. Nothing. A shed filled with cleaning supplies. Nothing.

  “What are we looking for?” Audra asks me as I wonder if I've taken things too far, if I should've just told the police my suspicions and let them find Robbie. Or maybe I'm completely and utterly delusional. For all I fucking know, Lloyd Owens could actually be fucking dead. Robbie's disappearance could be completely unrelated.

  Except that my name is Lucas Carter, and I am a fucking God. I know what gets everyone off – even slimy filth ridden trash like Lloyd Owens.

  “Lucas?” Audra asks, moving smoothly alongside me. For the first time since I've met her, she isn't wearing heels.

  I pause for a moment and close my eyes. I pretend Lloyd is one of my clients – as disgusting as that is to even imagine – and I try to figure out how to exorcise his demons. Sex wasn't and still doesn't seem to be his prime motivating factor, so what? How can I put my few dark skills to use?

  As soon as I open my eyes, I see the car pulling into the parking lot and swinging around to the day use camping area in the back. There are a dozen or so spots, all of them empty at this time of year. I glance over at Audra with – not a smile – but a horribly wicked expression that comes damn close.

  “He was waiting for me to pick a spot,” I explain, realization finally dawning on me. “Wherever I chose to go would've been correct.” I take Audra's hand and we stroll slowly towards the back of the bathrooms, over a small dirt road, and down a trail towards the farthest camping spot. It's slightly obscured from the highway, not by much, but it will have to do. At this point, all I care about is saving Robbie. I don't care if I die or get arrested or beaten down by a mob of concerned citizens.

  Before we hit the packed dirt surrounding the car, I reach down and squeeze Audra's fingers.

  “I don't want you to get hurt,” I explain, looking over at her. She smiles back at me and then looks down at her faux engagement ring. Without another word, Audra slides it off and drops it in my pocket. “You could've been the perfect woman for me,” I tell her and she grins slightly, the expression tinged with worry for Robbie. But I know that an extra few seconds of standing here will mean nothing. Lloyd is waiting for me. For this single second, frozen in stillness and drenched in time, she's safe. “You could've nursed my demons, provided them company with your own. We could've done dark things together and reveled in it.” I lean over and press a searing kiss to Audra's lips. “You are the woman of my nightmares.”

  “And is Robbie the woman of your dreams?” she asks, not seeming all that disappointed at having lost a potential something with me. I try not to feel stilted and shrug, shaking my head gently.

  “I don't know.”

  “I think so,” Audra says, pressing another kiss to my shoulder. “That bitch.” She pulls back and glances over at the car. “But this doesn't mean we're done, you and me. At the very least, we have to be friends. If nothing else, I can convince you to do the things you don't believe you should even try.”

  “Such as?”

  “The taboo,” Audra says with a smirk. “Dating a girl ten years younger than you?” Audra clicks her tongue and shakes her head. “Tsk tsk. And starting over? Changing? These are the most taboo fucking things there are. So, Mr. Carter, if that's what you revel in, put your fucking money where your mouth is and give it a fucking try. You owe yourself that, at least.”

  “We'll see,” I say, but what I really mean is I hope so.

  I pause at the edge of the campsite, my heart racing in my chest. Audra's wandered away, but I'm not sure that she's gone. She took the gun with her, but that's okay. If … I'm going to give something with Robbie a try, I might as well release the last of my pain and rage upon the monster that started it all. That's called closure, isn't it? The most sought after and least obtained of all emotions.

  “Lloyd,” I say casually, leaning against a tree as if I haven't a care in the world. And maybe right now, I don't. Maybe right now I'm still Lucas Carter and not yet Luke. Lucas Carter isn't afraid. Of anything. Nothing. Because he has nothing to lose. Not yet. But I will. If this all goes right, I will.

  “Knew you'd show up,” Lloyd grunts, climbing from the car and dragging Robbie by her hair. She slides over the front seat and slumps to the ground like a doll. She's still wearing her pajamas – a baggy gray T-shirt and black sweatpants. There are cuts along her arms that match the ones Aliyah had on hers. Bloodstains spot her clothing and her head lolls strangely to the side when Lloyd kicks her and levels the barrel of his new revolver at her prone form. “It's about fucking time, you lazy piece of shit. I got two gut wounds and I was up and about before you even climbed out of bed.” Lloyd pulls back the hammer on his gun. “I should've killed you in your sleep, but I wanted you to see this first.”

  I make no move to step forward, not yet. My hope is that Audra's perceptions are still dead on.

  “You ruin lives, Lucas. You are a father-fucking faggot from the wrong side of the tracks.” Lloyd sneers at me, his blonde hair hanging stringy in his face. The pain of his words slides right past me. He knows about my past, but it doesn't matter. I am not a victim, not anymore. “Aliyah had good grades, money, promise. You stole that from her.”

  “How so?” I ask, because I need to buy time and well, monsters love to have their brains picked. Like anyone might care what they think. Demons are selfish creatures. I keep my hands tucked in my pockets, clutching my knife.

  “She was pregnant, you stupid fuck. Jesus, you dumb as a board, motherfucker? She got her scholarship pulled from that nice Christian school my daddy picked out.” Lloyd's nostrils flare and he unbuttons his pants. His limp dick flops into view and my vision starts to flicker. I'm this close to charging him. Can I get him before he gets a shot off? I don't know, and I'm not sure I can risk that, but I will not allow him to hurt Robbie anymore than he already has. “She bawled her eyes out and cursed your name. Her whole last day she spent sobbing in her room and wishing you were dead.”

  I don't know if his words are true, but I don't care. My eyes scan the woods around me, hoping for a glimpse of Audra's red head. She could shoot Lloyd and this would all be over. I force myself to remain still. Even if Lloyd is telling the truth, I know Aliyah didn't mean any of that. If she had told me, I would've done whatever it took to make her happy, to make things right between us. I'll do the same with Robbie. If right means letting her go, that's what I'll do. It's what I tried to do already. But right now, I'm feeling selfish. Maybe, just maybe …

  Lloyd says something else, but I'm so wrapped up in myself that I miss it. When he grabs his dick with his free hand and starts to take a piss on Roberta Carrell, I snap into two pieces. Luke falls away and waits for Lucas to shred himself into pieces.

  I'm moving across the campsite before I realize it. Lloyd takes aim and fires at Robbie, but somewhere nearby, another gunshot goes off and his arm moves with the motion of a bullet, spraying the window of the car with blood and sending his own shot wild. It hits the dirt near a barbeque and falls from his hand when my body slams into his.

  Lloyd swings at me with his right arm and manages to connect a fist with my head, but it doesn't matter, my knife is in my hand and moving towards him at a speed too fast to follow. This time, I'm aiming for his throat instead of his gut.

  With a howl of rage, he manages to block me and the blade cuts into Lloyd's arm.

  “Lucas, move!” Audra's shouting, but I can't extricate myself from the devil's grip. I'm too caught up in it now. The knife slips from my fingers, and it's like I've been stripped clean, I freeze up and Lloyd gets another hit in, punching me right in the stomach. I double over and his knee hits my c
hin, sending me crashing into the dirt in front of him. Before I can even think to let Audra take a shot, I grab the man who created my monsters around the legs and drag him down with me.

  We roll in the dirt, clawing and scratching and biting, like real beasts, like animals. In the background, I'm vaguely aware of Audra Holiday lifting Robbie to her feet.

  I manage to get Lloyd pinned underneath me and sit atop his chest, staring down at his face. My fist comes back and I take a hit, crushing his nose beneath my knuckles. And then I do it again, and it feels so good I howl with violent rage. I'm mumbling and screaming, but I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. My fists take turns pummeling the shit out of this monster's face, grinding his features into a bloody lump that suits his personality a whole hell of a lot better than the battered rich boy gone wrong look he had going on before. I grit my teeth so hard that my entire head starts to ring with a migraine.

  “Lucas!” Audra calls again, and I pause just long enough to catch the knife in midair. All around me, the green of the trees spins and turns into a blur, melting with the blue of the sky above and the brown of the dirt below. I flick the blade from the pocketknife and feel the answering cry of rage from my father's only remaining heirloom. It's as if a darkness twice as black as my own is being channeled into me, vibrating down my arm and into my hand. “Do it, Lucas. Make that motherfucker pay.”

  I lick the blade and let my head fall back. In my ears, demons howl a song of triumph and pain. This is it. I've saved the girl I … I've saved Robbie and I can avenge Aliyah, both in one shot.

  “Luke!”

  The voice that breaks through mine isn't Audra's.

  It's Robbie's.

  I ignore her and lean forward, pressing the blade against Lloyd's throat.