Finding Joy: A Gay Romance

by Adriana Herrera

  I had a veggie burger topped with ayeb, a local cheese that resembled a chevre, with berbere fries, and loved it. I put another one in my mouth and moaned as Bonnie laughed at me. “Good, huh?”

  “Oh my god, these are amazing. Tossing them in berbere is genius!” I was obsessed with the bright red thirteen-spice blend that was the base of Ethiopian cuisine. It was such a unique flavor, and apparently made everything delicious. The food and the company this evening had been great, and with my belly full of good food and two pints of St. George beer, I was feeling a lot more like myself.

  I was sitting next to Brett, an Aussie who was in Addis working for Oxfam. I was half-listening to him tell a story about smuggling liters of vodka into Afghanistan in water bottles for some Marines who traded them for boxes of American cereal, butter and Ivory soap. So far the story was hilarious and involved various run-ins with camels. He kept looking at me and winking the more ridiculous the story got. I wasn’t sure if I was up for flirting, but it felt nice to be here. Familiar. The expat scene was always sort of the same no matter where. It felt uncomplicated to be out with this group, and tonight that was a welcome feeling.

  We stayed at the restaurant until almost 10:00 p.m., but eventually Bonnie and I begged off, explaining I had an early drive to the field. I got in the car with her after she said my guesthouse was on the way and she could drop me off.

  We were laughing about the end of Brett’s story—which involved carrying mac and cheese out of the Kabul embassy in condom boxes—when we pulled up to the guesthouse.

  “He’s so funny,” I said. “And looks like I’m home. Thanks for letting me tag along. I had a great time.”

  “Oh, you’re welcome. I was glad you came out. You’d been keeping to yourself. I was wondering if you were just not taking to Addis. I was happy to at least hear from Tsehay that you’ve been running with Elias in the mornings while you’re in the field.”

  I immediately tensed at the second mention of Elias and me. I tried to figure out if I’d heard irony or suggestiveness in her tone, but she seemed to just be stating a fact.

  “I’ve loved my time here so far.” Elias’s face immediately came to mind. And I knew then I would never be able to think about Ethiopia without thinking about him. “And I’ve been doing stuff. Yesterday I went to the pool at the Marquis with an old friend of my mom’s.”

  It was dizzying to think it had only been a day since I’d been having dinner and flirting with Elias at Saba’s house.

  She clicked her tongue at that. “I forget you have a long history with this place,” she said, looking at me closely as if trying to figure out if “my history” was getting to me.

  I didn’t need to get into how I’d fucked one of my co-workers, and if given the chance would totally do it again, so I settled for a something vague. “It’s been good.”

  She waved me off, apparently satisfied I wasn’t miserable, and I got out of the car with a promise to check in after we arrived at the site tomorrow.

  I made myself wait until I was in my room to look at my phone for any messages from Elias. All night I’d been oscillating between telling myself not to give his silence so much weight to being convinced it was a sign I should give up this thing with him because his life was complicated enough already.

  And really, what future could we possibly have?

  Still, I told myself, we were friends. We could stay friends.

  I checked as soon as I walked into my room, and my stomach dropped when I saw there were no messages on my phone. Immediately I started trying to convince myself it meant nothing. That he was probably scrambling to get ready for the long trip after dealing with a family emergency half the weekend. I’d get a report about his dad in person when I saw him tomorrow.

  Chapter 18

  I walked out into the cold pre-dawn Addis morning with an intense feeling of anticipation. After weeks of seeing Elias every day, yesterday had felt too long. And if I was honest, I needed the reassurance of seeing him after the stress of his dad’s illness over the weekend. It was like I needed him to be physically there for things to be normal again.

  As the white Land Cruiser pulled into the guesthouse, I waved happily at the driver, only to realize it wasn’t him. I let my hand fall at my side, trying to not jump to conclusions.

  Elias wouldn’t leave me hanging without at least letting me know, right?

  There were a lot of other international staff in this house who worked for Aid. It could be a driver picking up someone else. I knew Sam wasn’t coming to the field until Wednesday, so it wouldn’t be his driver. As I stared at the strange guy parking the car, my phone buzzed with a message. I pulled it out and saw there were a few texts from earlier in the morning.

  I signaled to the driver to give me a second and tapped the screen of my phone. One message was from Bonnie, and the other three were all from Elias. The first one was from past midnight.

  Sorry for the silence last night, konjo, my father declined after we brought him home yesterday. So we had to take him back to the hospital. When you texted me I was about to drive him there.

  The second one was from 4:00 a.m. Had he gotten any sleep in the last two days?

  I’m sorry, Desta. I won’t be able to drive you today, I just can’t leave my mom when things are so hectic. I hope to be able to come down midweek. Safe travels, konjo. Zebene will drive you and he’s very good. Better than me!

  The disappointment was so complete I actually stumbled as I walked to the car.

  I quickly tapped out a message, thanking him for letting me know and telling him I hoped his father recovered quickly. But my fingers felt numb as the words I was typing appeared on the screen. I put my phone back in my pocket before throwing the bag in the back and coming up to the passenger seat. I climbed into the Land Cruiser with a big, fucked-up smile pasted on my face as Zebene started the truck.

  He turned to me for a second as he maneuvered us out onto the street. “Good morning, Mr. Walker. I’m Zebene. Elias is taking some leave, so I will be driving you for the next few days.”

  I nodded in his direction with what I hoped was a friendly face. “Nice to meet you, Zebene. Please call me Desta, and Elias texted to let me know about the change. Thanks for coming to get me so early.”

  Zebene nodded and gave me a warm smile as he drove down the gravel path leading to the main road. “It’s not a problem. Elias is a friend.”

  It looked like he wanted to say more, but instead he silently focused on the road. I wasn’t going to ask if he knew more about Elias’s dad since I wasn’t exactly supposed to be aware of the goings-on of his personal life. I just made a friendly noise of acknowledgment and didn’t say another word.

  I was already wrung out from the roller coaster of feelings I’d been on this morning, and the sun wasn’t even out yet. My skin felt tight from worry, but also because I was ashamed that Elias was going through so much and I had the nerve to feel sorry for myself. I needed to take things down a notch. More than that, I needed to let this go.

  Zebene’s voice mercifully yanked me out of my pity party, and I felt like an ass because I had no idea what he’d just said to me. “I’m sorry. You said something?”

  He nodded, his eyes still on the road. “Just asking if you wanted to get breakfast and some bunna before we get on the road.”

  My stomach grumbled at the mention of food and coffee, and we both laughed. “Yes, please.”

  “Eshi. We can stop at Kaldi’s.”

  My heart lurched at the mention of Kaldi’s. Going there with Elias on that first morning felt like it happened a million years ago. Once again, I told myself I needed to concentrate on the work I was here to do and try to figure out what was next for me. As wonderful as things had been with Elias, I knew at some level I was using him as an excuse to not face the decisions I needed to make. I would take his absence as an opportunity to finally focus.

  I pulled my sunglasses out of my bag and put them on as the sun rose, casting the cit
y in an orange and purple glow. When I looked over at Zebene, I tried to project an ease I wasn’t feeling just yet.

  “Kaldi’s sounds great.”

  Chapter 19

  Once I got to the site, work started immediately. The second survey area we needed to cover was almost twice the size of the first one, in about the same time. I hit the ground running the moment I got there, and for the next few days had little time to think about Elias or my other self-made issues. I did make sure I texted him to ask about his dad, and he responded gratefully, letting me know he was doing much better. He also asked how things were going, and said he was looking forward to seeing me. I tried to be friendly and cordial, but also cut out all flirting from my texts to him.

  Once it got into my head that chasing after Elias would only end in disaster for both of us, I’d forced myself to try to shut him out. It felt mean and shitty, but I was no longer able to do things halfway with him. If I let him in, he would be all the way back in, and that was madness.

  So I kept my focus on my work and only turned the phone on at the end of the day to check if I had any messages from the Addis office. It had taken me a few weeks, but I’d finally gotten my head where it needed to be. I hated it, and hated that I missed him so much already, but I had brought this on myself. Lucía had been right—I did this, and I needed to stop.

  On Wednesday evening as we pulled into the hotel, exhausted from almost ten hours of uninterrupted canvassing, I saw Elias standing by a white Land Cruiser talking to Tsehay. As soon as I saw him, my vision shrank to a tiny pinhole where only his face was visible. I closed my eyes, gripped the seatbelt strap with both hands, and took deep breaths. The need to go to him so strong I was lightheaded.

  I worked on forcing myself not to jump out and throw myself at him—which would be very stupid in just about every way possible—as the truck came to a stop. So much for my “doing the right thing,” since it only seemed to work when Elias was three hundred miles away.

  A knock on the window startled me and I opened my eyes. I turned my head, still trying to get my breathing under control, and noticed Zebene was giving me a weird look. He probably thought I was carsick or something. I was about to tell him I was fine when my door opened and the now-familiar smell of Elias’s cologne filled the space.

  My belly fluttered, and that slightly nauseous feeling I got whenever he was near overtook me while I sat, hoping whatever I said didn’t out us both. After giving me a radiant smile, he braced one arm on the frame of the door and stretched the other toward Zebene in greeting. They gripped each other’s forearms in the manner I’d seen Ethiopian men do with each other as I sat there, mildly dizzy from Elias’s proximity.

  “Zebi, are you driving properly? Desta has very high standards!” Elias’s jovial tone was only diminished by the weary look in his eyes.

  Zebene laughed and looked over to me, presumably hoping for a response, except I had nothing. All my mental energy was occupied in trying not to be super obvious about how much I wanted to press my nose to Elias’s neck, which at the moment was like, five inches from my face.

  After a second he gave up and turned to Elias. “Desta finally knows what it’s like to ride in a car with a real driver.”

  I did laugh at that, and used the distraction to get out of said vehicle before I lost it.

  I spoke without looking at him. “Zebene has been great. It’s good to see you, Elias. Can I get by?” I hated myself more with every word, but just as I asked, he stepped back and gave me space to get out. Once I was standing by the car, I turned to Zebene. “Thanks for everything. I’ll see you in the morning?”

  He shook his head and pointed at Elias. “Unfortunately, you will have to go back to withstanding the poor driving of my friend. I go back to Addis tomorrow.”

  Elias let out a laugh, but stopped after he got a good look at my face.

  I kept my eyes focused on Zebene. This all felt so fucking wrong, but I didn’t know what else to do. Elias and I couldn’t be a couple. Hell, even being too familiar was inappropriate in like, ten different ways, not to mention potentially dangerous. “Have a good trip then. It’s been great being out with you the past few days.”

  I turned to Elias before heading toward to my room. “How’s your dad?”

  “He’s better now. Resting at home,” he said cautiously, like he had no clue what to make of the way I was acting. And who could blame him?

  “I’m glad he’s better.” And I really was, but I kept walking with my head down.

  “How are you?” he asked as he followed me along the path that led to where I was staying. The hotel was more like a cluster of small cottages that were built to look like the traditional houses in the area, so they were scattered around the property. They were outfitted with all the necessary amenities: electricity, comfortable beds, hot water, and a lovely view of the mountains. It was sort of like glamping, and my cottage was at the far end of the property.

  “Desta?”

  I stopped as I got to my door, still not ready to answer his question. The simple yes that should’ve immediately come out of my mouth was stuck in my throat, and I knew that what would spill out was certainly not the way to go.

  “Konjo?” He said it quietly, barely a whisper, and the endearment managed to seriously weaken my defenses. Then I remembered this was nothing but a convenient distraction for me, and a potentially huge problem for him.

  I finally looked at him and saw his furrowed brow, the darkness under his eyes. He hadn’t been sleeping. He looked tired. And here I was feeling sorry for myself. Making this all about me. The least I could do was give him an answer.

  “I’m all right. Tired from the long days. It’s good to see you, Elias.” Hadn’t I said that already? I’d made such a fucking mess of things.

  “Elias…” My eyes darted away from him. “I’ve been thinking, and I just don’t know if this”—I waved a hand in front of the two of us, looking at a spot somewhere over his shoulder—“is a good idea.”

  I felt him straighten, and when he spoke, he was dead serious. “Did I do or say anything to make you uncomfortable?”

  Fuck, I should’ve known I’d worry him. “No, not at all. It’s just that you have a lot going on with your dad, and I’m just a leech sucking up your time and energy. You don’t need to be dealing with me on top of everything.”

  I looked down and saw his hands flexing, opening and closing, like he was itching to grab me. A swarm of bees buzzed in my chest, wanting him to reach for me. Hoping he’d stop this and we could go back to the way it had been just a few days before.

  But he didn’t do that. He considered me for a moment before speaking with that same careful manner he always had. “I have not been ‘dealing’ with you.” I could hear the air quotes in the word. “I’ve been getting to know you. Desta, you don’t have to be my protector. It may be hard for you to believe, but I’m perfectly capable of deciding which things and which people I want to spend my time with. You don’t know better than I do about what I can take on.”

  I flinched, remembering what he’d shared about his ex. But this was just one more way in which this was all just a bad idea.

  “I’m very tired, Elias.” I lifted a shoulder, feigning an exhaustion that had evaporated the moment I’d set eyes on him. “Long day. I’ll just have some dinner in my room and turn in early,” I said, making a show of yawning.

  His face, which had been open when he’d first seen me, was now shuttered and unhappy. His full lips pursed as he gave me a terse nod. “If you're tired and you are done with me, I won’t push you, Desta. But don’t use me as an excuse to punish yourself. I don’t play those games.”

  I hated being the one putting an unhappy expression on that mouth, which was made for smiling. I hated that I’d ruined everything. I wanted to tell him to forget what I’d said. To ask him into my room, and kiss him. Touch him until he made everything right again.

  But I didn’t. “I’m sorry.”

  He backed
away, and before turning up the path, he looked up, a stricken expression on his face. “I hope you get some rest, then. We leave at 7 a.m.”

  The next day was…the worst. Elias was clearly uncomfortable, and I tried to overcompensate by being too enthusiastic about everything. By the time we were headed back to the hotel, I was mentally wrung out and so jumpy I had to grip the edge of my seat to keep from yelping any time we hit a dip in the road. Yohannes and Abraham had asked us to drop them off in the center of town so they could do some shopping, leaving Elias and me alone in the Cruiser. I looked at him as he drove, his face stark and unhappy. He’d been giving bemused looks all day, and barely spoke to me as we drove through the villages we were surveying.

  I couldn’t blame him for looking confused. I hardly knew what I was doing, and kept behaving like an asshole. He’d told me he would back off, gave me what I wanted, and that only made me even more miserable. Every cordial word he directed my way, every respectful question put me on edge, but now that I’d started this I didn’t know how to take it all back. And what was more, I still thought it was for the best, no matter how fucked-up it made me feel.

  I took a deep breath as we drove and decided I was going to make conversation like a fucking human being, because I was sick of this shit. “Saba asked me to tell you she wants to get your opinion about her new project.”

  He gave me a startled look, his eyes widening in disbelief. “Really?”

  “Yes, really. I’ll send you her number. That way you can contact her directly.”

  “Thank you.” He looked over at me, his handsome face tense, but didn’t say more.

  I scrambled for other things to talk about, trying to ward off the awkward silences that kept sucking the oxygen from the space between us. “Did you get a chance to rest before you had to drive down here?”