by Ryan Michele
“You were afraid it might be wrong?” I chuckle a bit; it is pretty cute and so Angel.
“You never know.”
“We don’t have to tell a soul until we talk to the doctor. I’m fine with that.” She brings her right hand up to her mouth and starts chewing on her thumbnail. I push it away.
“What if we lose it?”
“Then we deal with it together.” Angel falls into my arms and I hug her tight. We can do anything as long as we are by each other’s side.
“GT, I can’t do that again. The fear of it is strangling me.” Her eyes are pleading, tears rolling down her face.
“I know it, Angel, but you have to calm down. I don’t know shit about babies, but it can’t be good for you to be so upset. Let’s talk to the doctor and go from there.” She absently nods her head and falls against my shoulder, wrapping her arms around my body. Her grip is tight and I give it back to her a hundred percent.
“Sorry I’m such a mess,” she mumbles, sending a flutter across my skin.
“Angel, I don’t give a shit if you’re a mess. You’re a fucking hot mess. My fucking hot mess.” She chuckles softly and my hands sweep up and down her back in reassurance. “We do this together. I’ll be there every step of the way. You’re not alone.” She begins to shake as sobs take over her body in earnest. Wet tears drip on my skin, sliding down my arm. I clutch her tighter.
“Thank you,” she whispers so faint I can barely hear.
Nervous wreck? Try emotional basket case. How in the hell is it possible to be so damned happy and excited, then turn around and feel so scared and out of control? One minute, I’m so elated that this baby is inside of me. The next, I’m scared to death I’ll be putting it in a grave next to Mia.
All morning this is what it’s been, this up and down rollercoaster of emotions taking me on the wildest ride of my life. My stomach is in knots and every now and then, bile rises in my throat, threatening to escape my body.
I talked to Dave at the garage and told him I wasn’t feeling good, and that I needed a couple of days off. Until I am able to get everything sorted, my mind won’t be anywhere but on this baby. Luckily, I’m caught up on all my classes so that is one less worry.
Noon. GT should be here, but he isn’t. My feet set a punishing pace, walking back and forth on the carpet as I wring my hands. Where the hell is he? He knows how important this is and he said he would be here.
At that thought, the roar of GT’s Harley comes barreling through my pacing. I rush to grab my purse but his engine stops. What the hell is he doing?
As I shut the door, GT is throwing his leg over the bike. “What are you doing? We have to go?”
He shakes his head, tossing his hair, and my pussy tightens. I love when he does that shit. He is one gorgeous man.
“Thought we’d take the car.” His strides are long and sure. He stops in front of me, placing his hand on my chin and pulling it up. My eyes meet his and he lays a chaste kiss on my lips, soft and sweet. My mind is in a daze for a brief moment.
Shaking off his effect, I realize what he’s saying. “You don’t want to take the bike?” The thought is so unnerving I don’t even know where to start. He always wants to take the bike. I love riding it. I don’t see a problem here.
“Just let’s see what the doctor says.” His eyes are dancing with fear, deep inside he is scared he’d hurt the baby. GT’s words and hidden meanings wrap around my heart, clutching it tightly. This is why I love this man. He may do things that some consider bad, but deep down, he is a good and honorable man. My man.
“Okay. Let’s go then. I don’t want to be late.” I smile, not arguing one bit.
The ride is short and before I know it we are in the waiting room. I sit and fill out paper after paper with GT right next to me, calm as can be. How in the hell can he not be nervous? I sure as shit am.
Strong. That is what I am. I will be Angel’s rock, no matter how much I want to fucking pace this room back and forth. Women sit around holding clipboards just like Angel, all filling out papers like crazy. One woman has her eye on me and not in a good way. I saw the way she clutched her purse when I came in. Just because I have a cut and I’m in a club doesn’t mean I’m going to steal your fucking purse, woman. Don’t fuck with me, I won’t fuck with you. That simple. Her eyes never leave me, but I ignore it.
Two women play on their phones while one tries to get her unruly children to sit the fuck down. They have other ideas though, running and causing the other women to jump as they fly past in a frenzy. They annoy the shit out of me.
I have no control over this pregnancy, but I can control them. I stand, placing my hands behind my back.
“What are you doing?” Angel tugs on my jeans, her eyes staring up at me in confusion.
“It’ll be fine.” I step away slowly, heading toward the children who have now blown off their mother for the hundredth time. She sits there, stomach huge, eyes tired, body screaming in frustration. The children continue to run. I notice some paper and crayons on the table. Cooper always likes to color. I grab them and head over to the kids.
As one approaches about to run around me, I step in his path. The little blond-haired, blue-eyed boy stares up at me, his eyes widen as if it’s the first time that he’s seen me, and it probably is considering he’s hell bent on winning a marathon in the waiting room.
I bend down on one knee. “Hey, little man.” The little boy stares at me and words don’t come out of his mouth. I dangle the paper in front of him. “My nephew Cooper loves to color. Do you?” He slowly shakes his head yes. “Climb up in your chair.”
He comes out of his stupor and crawls into the chair next to his mom who glances up with an appreciative look. The little girl barrels around the line of chairs and stops when she sees me.
“Hey darlin’. Have a seat.” She stares at me the same as her brother. After a few seconds, she scrambles to get in the seat on the other side of her mother. “Bet you like to color too.” She nods. And yes I’m taking full advantage of the way I look. If they see it as a tad bit scary then so be it.
“Here. Sit and color. Now, you two need to listen to your mother?” Their eyes grow wide as saucers and I desperately want to laugh. This is such a reprieve from the nervousness deep inside. They don’t speak, just sit there with mouths slightly agape.
“Thank you, sir.” The anxiety from the mother’s eyes dissipates and her body relaxes a bit. I lift my chin and move back to my Angel, a wide smile across her lips.
“What?” I shrug one shoulder, taking my seat, and crossing my boots over each other in front of me, the chains of my wallet clanking on the metal of the chairs. I lean back a bit, looking over at the children, who are now coloring furiously. I grin, this is actually fun.
“You’re gonna be a great daddy.”
Knock-me-on-my-ass. Her words floor me. Shit, I’m really going to be a dad to a human being. Fuck. I shake my head, too late to turn back now. Right? How the hell do I know if I’m going to be a good dad or not? I have no fucking experience at all. Shit.
“Ms. Alexander?” A curvy nurse with a clipboard calls out from the doorway. What the hell is up with this place and clipboards? Angel scrambles, pulling her papers together, but half of them flutter to the floor. She bends down, grasping at the sheets of white paper. I bend down and set my hand on hers. She stills and looks up, her eyes terrified; part of me thinks she may even pass the fuck out.
“Breathe, baby. I’ll get this.” She slowly shakes her head yes and rises, clutching the things in her hands tightly while I pick up the papers and hand them to her. “We’ll be okay.” With my hand on the small of her back, we walk through the doors, and the nurse takes Angel’s papers.
“I need to get your weight, dear.” Angel hands me her purse and I stand there like a fucking idiot as she gets her weight and height measured. “Come into room five, please.” Following them into the room, I immediately feel out of place. This is not the shit I do. I do
not go to a fucking gynecologist with my girl. Yet, here I am holding a fucking purse. The room is white with a huge exam table and a sink with cabinets. Pictures of the outdoors line the walls.
“Have a seat, sir.” I look to the side of the table and spot a small chair. “Miss, please sit on the table.”
Angel glances over to me and I smile reassuringly, or at least try to. I watch the nurse with an eagle eye as she sets all this weird shit on the counter, some of which looks like I’d use on my bike’s engine. What in the hell is she doing with a small round brush on a wire?
“I’m Emily, and I hear you’re pregnant?” She smiles sweetly at Casey who looks as if she could pass out at any moment.
“Yes. I took a test,” my baby says, trying to be strong. God, I love her.
“First, let’s take your blood pressure and vitals.” Casey gives her a soft smile while she gets to work, touching and prodding my girl.
Emily hands Casey an empty plastic cup. “I need you to urinate in here for me, please. The bathroom is right around the corner.” Casey takes the cup and gets down from the table, her eyes meet mine and she gives me a slight smile, but the nervousness is still there. I blow out a breath as she leaves.
“Everything will be fine, sweetheart. No reason to be nervous,” Emily says and it takes me a minute to register she’s actually talking to me. Nervous, shit that doesn’t even cut it.
I don’t answer, just keep my eyes glued on the door, waiting. A few moments later, Casey comes in, handing the woman a cup with her piss in it, which she takes happily.
“I need you to take off your clothes. Put this robe on so it opens in the front and rest the paper over your legs for me. Doctor will be in soon.” She hands Casey a piece of thin cloth that must be the “robe” and a large white piece of paper. Emily turns and leaves quickly, her tennis shoes squeaking on the floor.
“You have to get naked?” I ask after the door clicks shut. I seriously didn’t think this shit through.
“Yep.” She hops off the table and begins to undress, and my dick stands at attention in my jeans. “Relax, GT. It’s a woman doctor. She’s gotta do a full exam and that includes my boobs too. If anything you’ll be so turned on, I’ll be lucky to get out of here unfucked.”
While I appreciate her trying to make light of the situation, I don’t want anyone touching her. Man. Woman. I don’t give a shit. If that makes me a prick, I’ll own it, but for the baby I’ll suck it up. Her clothes fall off her body, leaving every sexy curve right in my face on display. Fuck it.
I stand, wrapping my arms around Angel, crushing my lips to hers, and pulling her tight to my body. Her hands sift through my hair; her lips kiss me back with all the power and love that is my Angel. My girl jumps and pulls back as a soft knock comes to the door.
“Shit.” She scrambles, putting on the robe. “Sit down. She’s coming in,” she says in a huff, and I smile watching her. Angel sits back up on the table and places that paper shit across her legs. Her hands fall to her lap. “Shit!”
“What?” I ask, not seeing a damn thing wrong.
“I ripped the damn paper. I hate when that happens.” I chuckle as the door creeps open and I sit, happy that some of that tension and fear escaped her body if only for a moment.
“Hello, Ms. Alexander?” A small brown-haired woman with rimmed glasses covering her brown eyes steps into the room. Her smile is wide as she looks at Angel and then me. She holds out her hand to Angel who takes it instantly. “I’m Dr. Hernandez. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too. This is GT, my fiancé and the baby’s father.” Dr. Hernandez moves to me, holding that same hand out which I take. Her hands are so small encased in mine. I wonder how the hell she’s able to deliver a baby.
“Dr. Hernandez. Nice to meet you,” I say and it’s true. For some reason, she has a way about her. A way of comfort. I feel in my gut that we can trust her.
“Same here.” She releases my hand and moves to the round stool on wheels and begins looking at all the things the nurse left out for her on the counter, then turns our way.
“According to your urine sample, you are indeed pregnant. Congratulations.” Her smile radiates through the room in an almost calming, soothing way. A small smile plays on Angel’s lips. “From your phone call, you stated that you previously had a miscarriage. I am very sorry for your loss.” Her eyes turn concerned in a flash, just as if she knew the pain of losing a child herself, but she quickly recovers and snaps the smile back in place. “We’ll get your records from Cherry Vale probably in the next week or so. That’s one of the papers you signed earlier.” Angel nods. “Tell me your feelings about this baby.”
Casey fidgets with her hands and then grips the side of the table then inhales a deep breath. “I’m scared. I lost Mia at three months. I don’t know how far along I am, but I’m terrified I will lose this baby too. Is there anything we can do to prevent it?”
The doctor moves closer to Angel. “Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life and this is just the same. We have no control over if you miscarry or not, but many, many women have a perfectly normal pregnancy following a miscarriage. Let’s get you checked out, get your blood drawn, and sent to the lab then see where we need to go.”
“Okay.”
Dr. Hernandez calls the nurse back in to draw blood from Angel’s arm and I grip the chair, not liking one fucking bit watching her get poked. The doctor asks Casey to lie back and then pulls out these huge stirrups, having her place her legs in them while the paper covers her. Now, I’ve seen this shit before on TV and in movies, and of course porn, but never firsthand. Shit’s creepy.
Loud clangs come from the front of the bed. “What the hell is that?” It sounds like metal hitting metal, like what I’d hear at the garage.
“I’m going to give Casey an exam, part of that is a metal clamp that will spread her wide while I look inside,” the doctor says, focusing on Angel.
My stomach falls. “Will that hurt?” My eyes shoot to Casey who holds out her hand. I stand and move closer to her, taking her hand.
“It won’t hurt the baby or me. She just needs to make sure that everything is okay up there for the baby. This is normal,” Angel reassures me.
“Normal. How the hell do you women do this shit?” I stare down at my girl who has a smirk in place.
“No one ever said being a woman was easy.” Angel chuckles.
I scoff, fuck that shit. I’m glad I have a dick. More sounds come from under the sheet and Casey grips my hand tight.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.” She smiles as a large clang like metal dropping in a drawer rings out through the small room and I cringe. The doctor stands and adjusts the paper in-between Casey’s legs, pulling her gloves off with a snap.
“Everything looks perfect. I didn’t see any scarring or anything that would indicate any complications from before. I’ll put a rush on your blood work so I should have it back by the end of the day. Do you know when you conceived?” She turns to the garbage can, throwing the gloves away.
“No, I’ve been a bit off these last few months and I can’t remember if I had my period last month or not.” The shame and guilt in Angel’s voice guts me.
“That’s no problem. When the blood work comes back it’ll tell me about how far along you are by the level of hormones in your body.” She pauses. “I know you’re afraid of miscarrying, but you can’t stress about it. Stress is very bad for the baby. That alone can cause you to miscarry. I don’t say that to scare you, I say that to inform you. Find things that help keep you stress-free. Yoga’s a great one.”
“Twisting my body into a pretzel is going to relax me?” Angel smarts off and I chuckle under my breath. That’s my girl.
“You’d be surprised. If that doesn’t interest you, what does?” The doctor asks sweetly.
“Cars. I rebuild engines.” I grin and shake my head. No girly shit for my wom
an. Bet you anything this baby knows how to change oil and how to take apart an engine by the time he or she is three.
“I’d take a break from being in the garage. The toxic chemicals and smells aren’t good for you.” Angel’s hand tenses in mine. “Rest is always important; lots of water and sleep. Make sure you get a lot of sleep. Also, spotting is normal. If you happen to have small drops of blood in your underwear, sit down and rest. If there are more than just small drops of blood, call me immediately. A small amount is perfectly normal as the embryo is making its home in your uterus.” Is it bad that I want to fucking gag with all this blood and uterus talk? “Depending on what the blood work says, I won’t see you again for another month, but if you have any questions at all, you call,” the doctor finishes.
“Can I work in the office at the garage?” Angel asks the doctor.
“It would depend on how close it is to the chemicals and fumes. If they are on opposite sides of a building, there should be no problem.” Thank fucking God it’s set up that way. Angel would go nuts sitting around the damn house doing nothing.
“Alright.” The tension in Angel’s grip lessens with the doctor’s words. Bottom line of this visit is we can’t stop a miscarriage; we just have to follow instructions and hope that it all turns out. Not having control of it eats me alive, but I will not show Angel that.
“Thank you, Doctor,” Angel says.
“Do you have any more questions for me?” the doctor asks, moving her papers around on the counter.
“When can we see the baby?” I pipe in. That’s the one thing I wish I could have done before, had just one look at Mia. I know Casey has a couple of pictures, but I would have liked to have seen it with my own eyes.
“At about twelve weeks we will do an ultrasound.” The doctor scratches something down on the folder in front of her.
“When will I be out of the woods for the risk of a miscarriage?” Angel squeezes my hand and I hold hers tight.
The doctor turns to us. “Most happen within the first three months or first trimester. Normally, when we pass that mark I don’t suspect it anymore, but there is always a possibility. I wish I could say it will not happen, but there is always that risk. We will keep a good eye on you and the baby to make sure it is growing healthily.”