Surfer Girls Kick Ass

by Tiffany Manchester

  ‘Honestly Zoe, things are interesting right now. But I’m hanging in there.’

  I suspected this was all the information he was willing to share right now, just like I’d shared very little of my full picture.

  ‘Okay, okay, good.’ (What the heck else was I supposed to say?)

  And then he brilliantly changed the subject. It was definitely way too early for awkward.

  ‘Well then, Zoe, are you ready to do whatever it takes?’ His voice was more upbeat now.

  ‘Hell yeah!’ I replied enthusiastically as we gave each other a high-five. We sat down on the rocks overlooking the surf to go over the details. As it turns out, Greg had conjured up an entirely new training regime.

  Over the next couple of weeks, life became super intense – both on and off the water. Greg had me doing a combination of strength and metabolic training, which included kickboxing workouts with a local trainer. And while training had been par for the course in years past, Greg seemed to bring a whole new intensity to his job. I sensed he wanted this for himself as much as he wanted it for me. He was serious and wasn’t holding out any room for error on my part. I worked hard, allowing him to push me beyond pain and comfort… And to the point where I scared the crap out of myself a bunch of times in some pretty big wipeouts.

  ‘C’mon Zoe, get it together!’ was something I began to hear on the regular, along with ‘focus!’ and ‘take charge of yourself!’ These were just a few of the comments he hurled at me during the first 12 days or so. I took his words in my stride because I trusted him. I mean, his coaching had done wonders for me in the past, like when I qualified for the Junior Tour. I had to believe he knew what he was doing now too.

  I slept hard and fast on these nights, too tired for anything else. Soph had been working a bunch too, taking up some extra shifts to make up for our days off together, so at least I didn’t feel as though I was missing out on anything.

  One glorious sunny day, a few weeks into the new program, Greg had me sit really deep at The Point. The waves were double overhead, which was deeper than I was comfortable with at this feature, not to mention deeper than a lot of the top local guys who generally take priority. That’s a lot of testosterone to deal with. I swear to God I could feel their angst being thrown my way, which meant the pressure was real when it came to committing and charging hard when a set wave came in. And if I didn’t? Well, I’d be committing social suicide in the surfing hierarchy.

  Here’s how it’d go down: I’d feel embarrassed, more than likely piss someone off who could’ve ripped the wave I chumped, and then I’d paddle away with my head hung low.

  In case you hadn’t figured it out by now, I was super nervous, and even slightly shaky. Had my skills recently improved? I suppose so. But the timing didn’t feel right and I wasn’t sure I was ready. It was the same feeling I get when I imagine myself surfing optimum Pipe; I knew I was good, but I wasn’t sure I was that good.

  A set was rolling in and I let the first wave pass without hesitation. Judging from the previous sets I’d observed, I knew the first wave wouldn’t hold and that the third one would work best, so that was my plan. But as the second one appeared, all the boys next to me were yelling at me to go. My heart was pumping and I felt pressured to do it. The game was on. And there was no way I was going to crumble in the face of fear, so I turned around and paddled my ass off to catch the wave. Greg was on shore with the video camera, and I swear I could hear him yelling at me too, though I couldn’t decipher what he was yelling.

  I popped up as fast as I could, pulled in tight to the wall, and immediately started pumping down the line of what looked to me like a ten-foot face. Unfortunately, it quickly became apparent that I was too slow, and that it was already too late. The wall was closing out and I was under the seam of the wave with nowhere to go. Talk about worst-case scenario. This was the exact place I didn’t want to be. Much like, say, if a piano fell from a window and you just happened to be standing on the spot right underneath where it was going to land.

  The wave hit me on the head and its impact threw me off my board. I was pitched into the air before freefalling into what felt like concrete. Whabam! I was in a washing machine now, tumbling around… and around… and around. The power of the water held me down and I was at its mercy, feeling terribly pessimistic about the miserable plan it undoubtedly had in store for me. But all I could do at this point was hold my breath, wait, and do my best to relax so as to conserve as much air as possible.

  Once the violent tossing subsided, I opened my eyes to see if I could get my bearings, even though I was still being held underwater. The set must’ve passed, I thought, still trying not to panic even though my lungs were screaming for oxygen. I climbed my way up to the surface, ready for air the second my head broke through the water. It was just enough time to get a breath in before the next wave came down on me.

  Again I was underwater. This was the ultimate practice in patience. And trust. And faith. I’d probably only been under for 10 seconds this second round, but I swear those seconds felt like forever.

  I came up and once again gasped for air. I yanked on my leash with my leg to bring the board back to me, grabbing it and immediately pushing it under my body so that I could paddle out of the ‘break zone’. I was surprised it was still in one piece. I hustled my way to shore, even though my body was tight from lack of oxygen and I was painstakingly out of breath.

  I pulled the leash off my ankle and ran sloppily up the rocks, slipping and stubbing my toes the entire way.

  Greg was heading towards me, but he was slow-moving, and I took off in the other direction before he could catch up to me. With my board under my arm, I dashed down the street, towards home, as far away from him as possible.

  By the time I arrived at the back porch, I was so out of breath that I was wheezing. My head was throbbing from the wave crashing on my head. I was sweating inside my wetsuit and completely parched.

  I dropped my stuff on the back patio, not giving a fuck about damaging my board, and rinsed off in the outdoor shower. I stayed in long enough to catch my breath and cool off, but not too long, because I wasn’t sure if anyone was around and I needed to avoid conversation at all costs. I needed to hide.

  What just happened? That was just one of the many thoughts rattling through my brain. As soon as I felt clean of sand, I ran into my room, threw the towel on the floor, hung my bikini in the shower and chucked on the first item of clothing I saw – an oversized t-shirt.

  I began pacing.

  Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God… What is happening??!!!

  I felt strangely nervous and excited at the same time, but I didn’t know why. I’d surfed big waves plenty of times; I’d been beaten down by big waves plenty of times.

  That’s just how it goes, I thought. That’s how you learn. Pushing past your comfort zone is how you develop skill. That’s a given… So what’s different this time? I wondered.

  While the pacing was helping to clear my head, it was doing nothing to alleviate my headache. But I couldn’t stop. I paced. And paced. And paced some more. And eventually, I realized the difference was in my state of mind.

  Nothing is as it seems. Everything is the opposite of what I thought. This isn’t how I want to live my life.

  And once again, change was upon me.

  CHAPTER

  17

  I continued to hang out in my room while the adrenaline rush of the morning’s event dissipated. By 10am, my headache was mostly gone, but it was now my grumbling stomach that had my attention and was begging me to feed it. I went into the kitchen and yanked open the fridge, looking for something enticing to eat. But no, I shut the door, feeling disenchanted by its contents and figured I’d take myself out. Just then, S and her mum walked in with some delicious looking boxes. Perfect timing.

  ‘Hey babe!’ S called out as soon as she saw me. ‘Mum and I just ha
d brekkie and we brought back treats!’

  ‘Yes!!!’ I replied enthusiastically. ‘Starving over here!!! Whatcha got?’

  ‘How about some fluffy pastries?’

  She placed the two boxes on the counter and then opened their lids to reveal a mouth-watering assortment of baked goods: one apple strudel thingo, a couple of muffins (carrot, maybe), a croissant each, some chocolate chip cookies, and a mini-loaf of banana bread.

  ‘Oooh, yes please! You rescued me just in time – I’m so hungry!’ I said as I grabbed one of the muffins and took a bite of the warm, moist piece of heaven.

  ‘Here’s your latte, darl!’ Abby said, handing me the takeaway cup. ‘S wasn’t sure if you’d be back from your training session yet, but my spidey senses told me you were here – so I went ahead and got you one.’

  ‘Well, your spidey senses were right on, Abby. Thank you so much!’

  I took a sip and smiled, nodding my head in approval of the vanilla latte.

  ‘Someone’s spunky this morning, huh? Have a good sesh with Greg, babe?’ S asked as she walked around the counter to get a knife from the kitchen, pulling my pants down as she made her way back to the table.

  ‘Hey!!!’ I screeched, yanking them back up with one hand, the other still very much committed to the muffin. But S began slicing the strudel into bite-sized pieces, ignoring me, and fully pretending nothing had happened. Her mum on the other hand giggled away, enjoying, I presume, our ever-present childish antics.

  ‘So it was good?’ Sophie asked again as she put the knife down.

  ‘Um, yes and no...’ I said, my words trailing off as I looked away, wondering what to say. ‘I’m not really sure what happened, to be honest, but I think some would call it, like… maybe an epiphany?’

  ‘Oooh, I love epiphanies!’ Abby said enthusiastically. ‘Do tell!’

  We sat down together at the table and they started nibbling at the strudel while I finished scoffing the muffin, doing my best to collect my thoughts before putting them into words.

  ‘Well, I guess I’ll start with the big news first. Get ready, because it’s a bit of a shocker. I’ve decided not to train with Greg anymore.’

  I said this with my mouth still full, hoping they wouldn’t catch everything I’d said. Maybe I was embarrassed or worried about how they’d react. Maybe it was because it would be real as soon as I said it. I swallowed the muffin and took a sip of the latte. More thought-gathering (AKA stalling time). Building up to the peak, I continued.

  ‘In fact, I’ve decided not to work with a coach at all. Or, for that matter, anyone who’s going to tell me what to do.’

  My words came out with such conviction that I surprised even myself. Soph and Abby were cool as cucumbers, prompting me to elaborate with their continued silence and unwavering eye contact.

  ‘I had a big wipeout today and I guess you could say it, er, rattled some sense into me. I know Greg and I are still just getting started, and at first I was really excited to work with him again, but something about it just doesn’t feel good. I had so much fun the other week with you,’ I said, looking up at S, ‘and I really needed that. It was so sweet to be free of the constraints of a gruelling training regime. And S, remember when you mentioned that I’d given away my power to Derek?’ She nodded, confirming the moment. ‘Well, this morning’s event made me realize that I had once again given away my power, only this time it was to Greg. And surprise! I decided to trust him more than myself. I went against my instincts. I know this sounds a bit dramatic, but it felt like my beat down was punishment for it.’

  Abby and Soph both gazed at me in the same way, with their heads tilted, eyes wide open and attentive, smiling as they heard me speak honestly. Like mother, like daughter, I thought to myself. They are both so good at making me feel like my voice is important.

  ‘That’s an incredible realization, Zoe,’ Abby said.

  ‘Yeah definitely, babe,’ S said, nodding in agreement. ‘So are you thinking of quitting the Tour too?’

  ‘No way! Actually, I just realized all of this like an hour ago, so I haven’t given much thought to how exactly I’m going to go about it. But I still want to go on tour next year. I love surfing and I love competing and everything that goes with it. I just need to do it my way. I mean, I just repeated the same pattern of putting myself in the hands of others. First Derek, then Greg. And both experiences have reiterated the same two things. One, I still want to be a pro surfer; and two, I need to do it on my own terms, even if I don’t know what that looks like yet.’

  I was fired up by my monologue, a sure sign of confidence.

  ‘I want surfing to raise me up, not drag me down, otherwise, what’s the point? I dunno, I think a part of me has known this for a while, but I felt like it would be selfish, so I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I mean, my life is awesome and I’ve been so lucky to be a part of an elite sport, with my dad, Greg and Derek all supporting me the way they have over the years. And you guys taking me in… All my sponsors believing in me… Deep down, I guess I’ve felt as though I don’t have the right to feel dissatisfied.’

  So there it was. Another truth exposed. I looked at them and smiled a happy, unforced smile.

  ‘Zoe, sweetie,’ Abby finally spoke, ‘I’m so proud of you. You deserve to be happy no matter what you’re doing. The Universe supports you, and you can certainly find a way to do the Tour on your own terms. You are such a bright light! You know, I’ve learned a lot over the years, having a husband and kids, building my own business, so I know how easy it is to put the needs of others before your own, especially as a woman.’

  She took a moment to look over at her daughter before turning her gaze back towards me, wanting, I think, to be sure we were both listening before she continued.

  ‘I’ve had to learn to take charge of my life in a way that ensures my needs are met, as well as the needs of my family, so I understand what you’re saying. This is a very important lesson you’re learning right now, Zoe, and I encourage you to follow your heart closely on this one.’

  She finished by asking, ‘What else have you learned since you got here?’

  I inhaled and pondered her question for a moment.

  ‘Well, aside from giving away my power, one thing I’ve noticed is that I’m always in my head, over-thinking and over-analyzing every move and every decision. It’s exhausting! You guys know me, I usually prefer to keep things kinda quiet and chill, but with all the training, competitions, sponsorship obligations, Derek, etc., there’s just so much to do all the time that I haven’t had any quality time to myself. I never get any peace and it stresses me out! I think it’s made me become resentful of the people I have to deal with all the time, even though I know they’re only there to help me. I dunno, I feel like an asshole to think this way. I mean, isn’t it selfish? My life is so awesome, isn’t it a bit screwed up for me to complain about it? Or even worse, to feel like it’s sucking the life out of me? Most girls would kill for my lifestyle.’

  ‘Zozo,’ S chimed in, ‘you have the right to feel the way you feel, and you have the right to do what you need to do for you. It’s just a matter of deciding what you want and going for it. And deciding what you want includes taking into consideration how you want to feel as you go about getting it. Mum’s always telling me and Seth to feel good about what we’re doing. It’s what really matters.’

  ‘That’s right, sweetie,’ Abby added, ‘When I’m at a crossroads, I see two options: change how I feel about the situation or change the situation. And what I mean is… Oh crap!’

  Abby was looking at her watch now.

  ‘Ladies, I’ve got to go.’ She stood up and looked over at S, ‘Your father is taking me sailing and I’m not ready at all!’ She then reached over to grab one of the boxes on the counter, looked back at me and said, ‘Zoe, you’ve got this! And I’m just going to take some of these treats with me or
Petey will be very jealous! We’ll catch up soon, okay? Kisses!’

  She blew us kisses as she walked out the back and hopped up the staircase barefoot.

  ‘Oh my mum is hilarious!’ S said, laughing at the fact Abby had left yet another pair of sandals at the front door.

  I started giggling too, ‘You guys are the best!’

  ‘So what now, Zozo baby?’

  ‘I guess I have to call Greg. I kinda took off on him and he’s probably a little disconcerted. Oh God! What am I gonna say?’

  ‘Are you sure it’s what you want?’ S said in a surprisingly more serious tone. ‘I’m only asking to help you feel solid on your decision. It’ll make the process a whole lot easier if you’re not second-guessing yourself, hey?’

  I sat back in the chair, crossed my arms and looked up at the ceiling – which, to me, represented a blank slate. It was weird, but I liked the way the ceiling felt – like a white, expansive canvas. There was a world of possibilities on that canvas and it was mine for the taking.

  I exhaled with a big sigh, looked back at S, and said, ‘Yes, Soph, I’m sure.’

  CHAPTER

  18

  It took me a solid hour to work up the courage to call Greg. What can I say? I was scared! To help ease the fear, I practiced a calming technique I’d learned from Derek ages ago, and had used regularly both before and during heats.

  I inhaled deeply. As I exhaled, I imagined all of the built-up tension and nervousness leaving my body in the form of bubbles. And in those bubbles were words that described what was bothering me. ‘Stress’. ‘Fear’. ‘Doubt’. I did this for a few breaths. The more bubbles I imagined leaving my body and floating out into the ether and dissolving into thin air, the better (and clearer) I felt.

  ‘Righto, it’s now or never…’ I said to myself as I picked up my phone and dialled.

  ‘Zoe?’ Greg answered before the first ring had even completed its turn. ‘Are you okay? Is everything alright?’