Before I Break

by Alec John Belle

  “Big family,” I replied.

  “Yeah, and my older sister, Maddie, is downstairs as well. She’s the opposite of me and is extremely social. She’s already made several groups of friends.”

  “I didn’t know you had a sister.”

  Avery shrugged. “What kind of music do you listen to?”

  Okay, that was random. “Um, I listen to a lot of things,as you already know. I hate rap, though, shockingly enough. I find it to be obnoxious.”

  “I mean, specifics,” Avery laughed and turned on his stereo, putting in a CD. I recognized the album almost immediately—Paramore’s self-titled album.

  “You like them?” Avery asked.

  “I do,” I replied honestly, taking a seat on the bed. “I think Hayley Williams is drop-dead gorgeous. Paramore has been one of my favorite bands since freshman year.”

  “Same here. What about Panic! At the Disco?”

  “Yes!” I shouted, and it was true. “I wish more people did.”

  “They’re getting progressively more popular,” Avery went on. Turning the power off on the stereo, he said, “We should probably go downstairs now. Dinner is almost ready.”

  I followed him out of the room and down the stairs, back into the living room. As Avery had suspected, everyone was getting ready to gather around the large dining room table, and Tina smiled at me when she saw me.

  “Cyril, how nice to see you again!” she exclaimed joyfully, wrapping her arms around me into a hug. “Avery has been telling me you guys have gotten very close these last couple of weeks.” Her smile shined like the sun, making me want to smile as well, even though I was not in the smiling mood.

  “Hello, Mrs. Branson,” I said, hoping she couldn’t sense the nervousness in my voice. I didn’t really understand why she wasn’t shunning me out of her house for the things that had happened between her son and me.

  “Call me Tina,” she said. “Please, calling me Mrs. makes me feel old. You’re joining us for dinner?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I replied, still feeling weird about this. When she left to go check on the chicken, I glanced at Avery who was staring at me blankly. “You didn’t tell her,” I said, “did you?” One look on his face told me he didn’t. “Why?”

  “I can fight my own battles without including my mother,” Avery said, confidence running off his tongue. As soon as he spoke those words, I could almost taste the hidden meaning in the back of my mouth, making me feel sick. He was talking his cutting, I was sure of it. Did he know that I was the one who told?

  From the kitchen, Tina’s voice rang out. “Dinner is officially done! Everyone, take yours seats at the table.”

  Avery and I walked into the dining room, finding that everyone had already taken their seats. There were two chairs left on one side of the long table, and a seat at the end, opposite of Avery’s father, that I assumed was for Tina. Beside Avery, I took my seat and felt the awkwardness hit me like a ton of bricks. Everyone was staring at us and I knew what they were thinking. Avery’s Aunt Denise, who was across from me, smiled.

  “Are you Avery’s friend?” By the way she smiled, I could tell she was Tina’s sister.

  “Yeah, I’m Cyril,” I replied kindly. “I heard you recently got married?”

  Susan, beside Denise, said, “Well, not too recently. We’ve been married for about a year. For a long time before that we were engaged, so it feels longer than that.”

  From the way Avery was staring at her, listening, I could tell what he was thinking. Everyone wants happiness, and here was a couple who had been together for a long time and was happily married. That was something I needed to honor.

  The funny part about this was, not only had my acceptance for Avery grown, but for everyone in general. Months ago, maybe even weeks, I would have probably spit in this woman’s face, or wanted to at least. Now here I was with my gay friend and his overly large family and lesbian aunts, about to eat dinner. And it felt normal.

  It is normal, I thought. Why has it taken me so long to realize that love is normal?

  Tina entered the kitchen with the chicken on a platter, ready to be eaten. All around us were bowls filled with side dishes, and we dug in, eating like there was no tomorrow. Throughout the hour we laughed about stories each other told, and even I had the courage to speak up a little, because I was finally feeling comfortable. Here was a family that had itself together, so the only question that kept replaying in my head was, Why does Avery harm himself? Why did Avery feel the need to leave those scars on his body for the rest of his life?

  When dinner finished, we had chocolate and pumpkin pie for dessert, making it feel almost like Thanksgiving. Hell, I’d eaten enough told hold me over until Thanksgiving, which was only a little ways away.

  “I want more!” Abigail yelled.

  “No more,” her mother said. “Come on, let’s go get washed up.”

  Everyone left the table except for Tina and Avery. Tina asked me if I enjoyed the dinner, which I replied a quick yes to, and she left to go clean the kitchen, but when I offered to help, she said, “No need, darlin’. I’ve got this.”

  Alone at last, neither Avery nor I had anything to say to each other, which made me feel uncomfortable again. After a moment of silence, Avery said, “I can walk you out to your car if you want.”

  The truth was, I didn’t want to leave. The question that had been on my mind all day and all throughout dinner finally came out, and as soon as I asked, I knew I shouldn’t have. “Why do you harm yourself, Avery?”

  It took a second for it to register to Avery what I had asked, but when it did, his eyes narrowed and he glared. “It was you.” By the tone in his voice, I knew his goal was to hurt me, and to be perfectly clear, it did. His tone was blaming.

  “Avery—”

  “No,” he interrupted, standing up and slamming the chair against the table. “You told Mrs. Wright about me hurting myself? Are you out of your mind?”

  “Avery, just listen—” I tried, but he wouldn’t stop talking.

  “You want to know something? I’ll tell you the truth. Last year I had a really rough year, okay? I was cutting myself, burning myself, all sorts of crazy shit, because I was hurt. You have no idea what I was dealing with! Finally, I just got sick of it all, and you want to know what I did?”

  I didn’t want to know, but there was no use in stopping now. I knew his family could hear him, but no one came into the room, they just kept their distance, listening. My stomach turned with sadness because I knew that I had been wrong—he wasn’t doing it anymore.

  “I tried to kill myself,” Avery told me, and his words vibrated against my soul, making me feel sick. So much emotion was pouring out of him, but happiness was not it. He was hurt, he felt betrayed, and he had every right to feel this way.

  “That’s right, Cyril, I tried to kill myself. I overdosed on some pills and spent two nights in the ICU throwing my guts up, feeling my organs dying, and sweating it all out. I was put into a mental hospital for it and they put me on some Prozac to help me be happy, and it works. I’m better now, so maybe, just maybe, you should have tried talking to me before making the guidance counselor at my new school think I’m doing it again.”

  Not knowing what else to say, I replied, “I’m sorry, Avery. I didn’t realize…”

  “Of course you didn’t,” he said angrily, arms crossed over his chest and his eyes gleaming. “Get out of my house.”

  His words struck my heart like bullets, making my chest tight with pain. “I just said I was sorry, Avery. I didn’t know.”

  “I don’t care,” Avery said. “Get out of my house and out of my life. I never want to see you again.” While he spoke the words, I knew he meant every bit of it. If he was just angry, I would have understood, but he really wanted me to go. He really wanted me out of his life.

  Nodding, but not understanding, I got out of the chair and headed through the living room to the front door. When I looke
d back, everyone’s eyes were on me and my face burned with embarrassment. This night was a mistake. The whole day was. Walking out the front door, I felt a small piece of me rip away. I wasn't sure I'd ever get it back.

  December came quickly that year, and all the months in between I had not spoken a single word to Avery. Melissa, who was still friends with him, told me that they were doing the Bible Study at her house now, and even my own mother still went, but for some reason he didn’t want to see me, just like he’d said that night.

  It wasn’t like he didn’t have a good reason to hate me, because I certainly did rush to conclusions about him hurting himself, but I was only trying to help. He even blocked me on Facebook, making it feel really official now. Our friendship was over and there was nothing I could do about it. Now Winter Break was on its way in just a week and I had no plans, not even with Melissa, who said she’d be going with Avery to Massachusetts over the break to see some of his family.

  Monday afternoon was pretty lonely during lunch, as it had been the last few months, because I spent most of my time in the library working on school work. Taking all these AP classes was not that good of an idea as far as I could see. While working on a paper for my AP Language and Composition class, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, there was Avery, looking the same as he had the first day we met. Only difference was, this time he seemed nervous.

  “Hey,” I said, not feeling like talking, especially when I was busy. A small part of me was grateful for him talking to me again, though, and I wasn't manly enough to admit that. “You’re talking to me again?”

  He took the seat beside me, not saying anything at first. He stared at my paper and asked, “You need help?”

  “You’re in AP?” I asked.

  He nodded. “I took Language and Composition last year. I am graduating early.”

  Wondering why it took me so long to learn this bit of information, I said, “This year? Why didn’t I know this when we were friends?”

  Avery shrugged, saying, “I didn’t know that I would be until last week. I have enough credits to start college next year.” He picked up my rough draft and began reading. “I can help you if you want.”

  A really strong part of me wanted to say yes just so I could hang out with him again. I really missed our talks and the time we spent together, but I couldn’t express that—it would make me sound gay, which I really wasn’t. Was I?

  “I’ve got it,” I replied, taking the sheet from him. “What do you really want? You’re certainly not here to help me with my paper for no reason.”

  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew they were true. Avery hadn’t spoken to me in months, and this was not just some random offering—he wanted something. Sitting back in my chair, I waited for his response.

  “I got some good news last night,” Avery said, a small smile forming on his face. “I wanted you to be the first to know, but we weren’t talking, so I was waiting for the right time to tell you.”

  “Why me?” I asked. “We’re not friends anymore.”

  “You were my first friend when I arrived,” Avery spoke softly, tears forming in his eyes. “I realize now that you were just trying to help, and I thank you for that. Telling Mrs. Wright was the right thing to do if you thought I was hurting myself. I want to be friends again, Cyril. I’m here to apologize.”

  His eyes seemed to look right through me. When Avery looked at me, I felt like he could see inside of me things that I couldn’t see, and he had surely brought a lot of that out over time. Only a real friend could do that. But did I really want to be friends with him again after what had happened? I knew the answer, but didn’t want to say it out loud.

  “What’s the good news?” I asked, avoiding what Avery said.

  Avery smiled and pulled a printed email out of his bag. “Here, read this.”

  The email was addressed to him, and when I read it, I knew immediately what it was. My heart leaped for joy, excitement pouring into me.

  Dear Avery Branson,

  Your novel, Falling Stars, has an incredibly interesting storyline. After my request for the first ten pages, I knew right away what I was going to do. Reading the ten pages in one sitting, I knew this was the story I wanted to take on.

  I would like to meet with you personally whenever you get the chance. I will be in Boston the last week of December and I am excited to see you then. Please bring a copy of your manuscript so we can discuss the next steps to take and to see if we are a good match.

  -Angela Brown

  “Oh my God!” I said, feeling overwhelmed for him. “This is great news!”

  Avery smiled, lighting up the room. “That’s partially why I’m making this trip. She knew I would be in Massachusetts during break, and so she offered to meet me! My book is on its way to publication!”

  It made me feel good, for the first time in a while, that Avery had gotten this acceptance letter from the agent. I hoped that things would work out for him, and what he said next surprised me even more.

  “I want you to come to Massachusetts with Melissa and me.”

  Shock grew across my face at that moment. “W-what?”

  “I’m inviting you to come with us,” Avery said in all seriousness. “As soon as I got the email, I’ve wanted to invite you but just didn’t know what to say.”

  I wanted to say yes, I really did, but one thing registered just then. “I thought you said you wanted to tell me first.”

  “Melissa doesn’t know,” Avery went on. “I was waiting until I told you, and if you said yes, I was going to tell her with you, and we could all go together.” He got out of his chair, throwing his bag over his shoulder. “I’ll give you some time to think about it, though. Text me whenever you make up your mind.”

  He walked off, but before he left, he turned around. “By the way,” he added, “You’ve been unblocked on Facebook for about a month. Just thought you should know.”

  Anyone who thinks I wasn’t going to go must not understand me well enough by now. That night I had gone home and asked my mother if I could go. Dad was out, as usual, doing one thing or another, leaving all the big decisions to my mom—not that I minded, because if I asked my dad, I already know what his answer would have been.

  “Are you sure you want to?” Mom asked. We were standing in the kitchen as she made dinner, and she looked completely exhausted. “Avery and you haven’t spoken in months and now he all of a sudden wants you to come?”

  “He changed his mind,” I replied. “Please Mom, this is big for him, and being his first friend he made, he really wants me there. I want to be there for him in case it doesn’t work out well.” While that was partially true, the other part consisted of my actually just wanting to be there with him.

  Mom sighed and looked at me intensely. “Fine, I’ll let you go. But you have to promise me that we can celebrate Christmas when you get back.”

  A smile from my mother made me light up inside, and I hugged her so tightly I would bet that she couldn’t breathe for a couple seconds. “Thank you so much! I promise we’ll celebrate when I get back.”

  She hugged me tightly as well and said, “You’re welcome, honey. I want Avery to be happy, but more importantly I want you happy. If this is something you want to do, then I’m proud of you.”

  That was the last happy moment I had with my mother for a long time.

  The rest of the week I was so focused on school, my head felt like it was about to explode by the time the weekend came around. I had packed my bags Thursday night and was ready to leave Saturday morning when it was time to go to Avery’s house.

  Come to find out, his mother had already purchased me a ticket to go with them, so basically I just had to pay for my food, which I could do since I had a summer job at Bi-Lo—not that it was much money, but it helped.

  I said goodbye to my mother that morning, but she seemed kind of down, and I figured she’d be happy once I got back. So I got i
n my car and drove to Avery’s house, ready for an amazing Winter Break with my friend and my girlfriend. On my way to his house, my phone rang as a text came through, but I ignored it because I was driving.

  When I got to his house, I had forgotten about the text and went to knock on the front door. As expected, Tina opened up, smiling happily when she saw me.

  “Cyril! Nice to see you,” she said, wrapping her arms around me in a hug. “Come in, come in. We’re almost ready to go. Melissa said she’d be here shortly.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, walking inside to find Avery all ready to go. He was sitting on the couch, looking excited—probably more than I was. Remembering what the email said, we wouldn’t meet Angela until about the last week of December, so he shouldn’t get his hopes too high just yet. I didn’t tell him that, because I didn’t want to ruin his mood.

  I took a seat beside him, smiling at him. “Are you excited?”

  “I sure am,” he replied quickly, as I expected. “Are you happy to see my Aunts again?”

  Come to find out the family we were visiting were his two aunts, whom I actually liked very much. Hopefully they didn’t hate me from months ago. “I am. They seemed really nice. Are they a big support system for you?”

  Avery nodded. “When I came out, they were the first ones I told. My parents weren’t too happy about me being gay at first, but they got over it.”

  “Now that’s not true,” Tina interjected. “We were just surprised is all.” The look on her face said otherwise.

  “Yeah, right,” Avery said sarcastically. “Because telling me I’m going to hell is just being surprised.” He ignored her and turned to me. “Anyway, they’ve been there for me through it all. Shockingly enough, they thought you were my boyfriend.”

  The word boyfriend panged against my skull, and I said, “Really? That’s…interesting.” In all honesty, I couldn’t tell whether that was a compliment or not. I had mixed feelings about Avery, but that didn’t mean I wanted him like that. Friendships didn’t always turn into relationships. If they did, that meant I would have dated Jake at some point in like, and that thought made me throw up in my mouth a little.