Delphi Complete Works of Arthur Morrison

by Arthur Morrison

  “‘What fresh caper?’ says Dido.

  “‘When I see the chap at eight,’ says Dido, he hummed an’ hah’d a bit, an’ seemed to want to put me off again. But I told ‘im it was no good; I must ‘ave the money to-night. Then he said all right what security was I goin’ to give; an’ that flummoxed me. I ‘adn’t got no security.’

  “‘Security?’ says Dido; ‘what’s this about security? Joe Kelly, you’re a common flat — a mug! I never ‘ad sich a fool of a pardner! You undertake to get this ‘ere five quid as we want for this ‘ere job o’ business an’ you come ‘ere puttin’ me off time after time like this an’ makin’ a perfeck fool o’ me when the chap with the tools comes an’ wants ‘is five pound, so as I ‘eve to make all sorts o’ lyin’ excuses, which lyin’ comes, most unnachral to me, an’ now at last, when it’s quite fixed up final, you come an’ talk about security! You’re lettin’ that money-lendin’ bloke o’ yours mug you, Joe Kelly. What’s the good o’ you? Ain’t you got no credit? What does he want security for?’

  “‘Well, come to that,’ says Joe, ‘what does your bloke want security for? Why, the bloomin’ five quid itself’s security for them tools! Don’t you get chuckin’ your names about so free, Dido Fox. What’s the good o’ you, eh? Ain’t you got no credit? I don’t wonder you ain’t. ‘Ow do I know this ‘ere ain’t all a plant for you to get five quid out o’ me? Who is this chap as is goin’ to lend you the tools — tell me that?”

  “‘Sha’n’t!’ says Dido. ‘Tell me the name an’ address o’ this ‘ere fanciful feller as is goin’ to lend you five quid!’

  “‘Sha’n’t!’ says Joe Kelly.

  “They glared furious at one another an’ shut their fists, an’ then Dido says, ‘I don’t never allow pleasure to interfere with business, but when this job’s over an’ the swag divided fair, I’ll punch you in the eye, Joe Kelly!’

  “‘I take my pleasure whenever it’s convenient,’ says Joe; ‘an’ after we’ve busted that ‘ouse, if there is one, an’ shared the stuff, I’ll knock your ugly face out at the back o’ your fat ‘ead, Dido Fox!’

  “So they glared a bit more, an’ then Dido Fox says, ‘All right, we won’t forget that engagement, after the job’s done. An’ as there is a ‘ouse to be busted an’ stuff to be shared, we’ll do that first, an’ each attend to his own department. I won’t interfere with your chap and you won’t interfere with mine. You shin out an’ get that security somehow, ‘cos I’ve got to ‘and over that money, final, solid, an’ without fail, at eleven in the mornin’.’

  “So Joe Kelly went ‘ome an’ slept on it. When he awoke in the morning it was all clear as day. He hadn’t got no security, but he could get it quick enough, just the same way as he got his livin’. He went out very early into the crowd comin’ out o’ Liverpool Street Station an’ snatched a watch. He had a most awful run for it, with a crowd o’ City clerks arter ‘im, an’ was so near caught that he could ‘ardly speak when he got to old Billy Blenkin’s. Old Billy was in bed, and grumpy at bein’ disturbed. ‘That ain’t much of a security,’ he said, when he see the watch, an’ Joe could see, now that he looked at it that it wasn’t worth five pound, nor anything like it. ‘Never mind,’ says old Billy, ‘you can leave it with me an’ come to the Carpenters’ Arms at eleven for the money.’

  “Joe was ready enough to leave the watch, you may guess, in case he might be spotted in the street and searched, an’ so at eleven o’clock there was old Billy Blenkin with the tools waitin’ in the Carpenters’ Arms for ‘is customers, an’ the ‘ole situation was elegant an’ delightful. Old Billy, with no more idea than Adam that ‘is two customers ‘ad anythink to do with each other, was quite sure he’d best get ‘em both there together — in different compartments p’r’aps — an’ save any more mistakes. An’ there was Joe Kelly comin’ along gay an’ ‘appy for the five pound quite certain ‘e was gettin’ it at last, an’ there was Dido Fox, what had been lookin’ for Joe Kelly all the mornin’ an’ gettin’ angrier every minute, comin’ along too, so as to catch old Billy to time an’ ask him to wait a bit longer for the five pound; an’ there was no bloomin’ five pound anywhere among ‘em! What ho!

  “Dido Fox turns into the street leadin’ to the Carpenters’ Arms, an’ there he see Joe Kelly, goin’ the same way, just in front of him. At that a orful suspicion came over him. ‘Ere was Joe Kelly playin’ the bloomin’ traitor arter givin’ ‘im the slip all the mornin’, an’ goin’ direck to old Billy Blenkin with the money to get the tools on ‘is own! He rushed arter Joe an’ grabbed ‘im with both ‘ands.

  “‘‘Ere, where’s that money?’ says Dido, very fierce.

  “‘Ain’t got it,’ says Joe, tryin’ to shake him off. ‘You leave go o’ me, go on. Where are you goin’ to about ‘ere, eh?’

  “With that he stood still an’ stared, for the same orful suspicion came over him what had come over Dido. ‘Ere was Dido doin’ the treacherous an’ goin’ direct to old Billy Blenkin to get the money on ‘is own! ‘Ullo!’ he says, ‘I see your game, Dido Fox! You just step down to the other end o’ the street while I go into the Carpenters’ Arms!’

  “Dido was mad enough a’ready, an’ this made him wuss. ‘Oh, yes,’ says he. ‘I’m on to your trick, Joe Kelly. Walk off while you go an’ do it on your own? Not much! I’m going in there fust. Take that!’

  “Joe Kelly had got his punch in the eye in advance, an’ in a moment there was a bunch o’ Joe Kelly an’ Dido Fox flyin’ all over the pavement. Old Billy Blenkin heard the row, an’ he looks out o’ the Carpenters’ Arms surprised to see ‘is two customers fightin’ most unbusinesslike. So he rushed out to part ‘em. Dido was on top for the moment, an’ when, he see this ‘ere other traitor grabbin’ at him, o’ course he thought Billy had come to ‘elp his pal, so he gave him one hard, an’ over went old Billy. An’ then when Joe an’ old Billy both got up together, Joe, seein’ old Billy there, as had treated him so tricky, he gave him one, an’ over went poor old Billy again, wonderin’ whatever he’d done to deserve it all. An’ then the p’lice turned up an’ ran ‘em in, all three.

  “Dido Fox and Joe Kelly, they got off easy enough for fightin’; but poor old Billy, his luck was clean out. He was found in possession of ‘ousebreakin’ implements an’ a watch what had been stole that very mornin’ at Liverpool Street.

  “So the Old Bailey got old Billy again, an’ the mission-’all committee they passed a lot of extry serious resolutions to put things straight, an’ they made their lectures extry dull in future. An’ one o’ the most promisin’ burglaries never came off, ‘cos o’ the difficulty o’ raisin’ credit in Shoreditch.”

  BILLY BLENKIN’S RADIUM

  THE tale of old Billy Blenkin and his attempt to finance a burglary was told, and Snorkey Timms refreshed his throat and filled his pipe once more from my pouch.

  “Yes,” he said, “it was rough on poor old Billy, and all his beautiful respectableness went pop. Anybody else would ha’ starved after he came out from his six months; but Billy was all ready. He played one stroke and went — he ain’t been seen in these parts ever since. Emigrated, I expect. Nobody’d want to stop after sich a stroke as that, unless he wanted to fight ‘arf ‘Oxton and Kingsland Road all at once, and old Billy was no sich mug.”

  “What sort of stroke was this, then?” I asked.

  Snorkey Timms sucked at his pipe and grinned softly and long. “What ‘ud you think o’ liftin’ about a million quids’ worth o’ radium off a doctor in a bus?” he said.

  “A million?” I queried.

  “Well, I won’t swear to the ‘zact figures,” replied Snorkey, “but it was one o’ them precious large lots o’ money what little bits o’ radium’s worth when you read about ‘em in the papers. P’r’aps it was a thousand. I ‘eard about it through Jimmy Spicer — a little chap as kep’ a little wardrobe shop up Bacchus Walk. Jimmy hadn’t always got the same shop; sometimes it was another one, and sometimes it was a stall; and once or twic
e Jimmy’s only shop was Coldbath Fields, consekence o’ bein’ a bit careless what he bought. But Jimmy wasn’t easy discouraged, and was always expectin’ his next venture to turn out a fortune for him and his missis, what was about three times his size and twice as determined, though not more’n half as hopeful.

  “A little while after old Billy Blenkin was out after his troubles with that five quid, and when the Mission Hailers wouldn’t have nothing to say to him, Jimmy Spicer met him, very full o’ news and mystery. ‘Good mornin’, Mr. Spicer,’ says old Billy, very quiet and confidential. I s’pose you’ve read the news about that there little bit o’ radium?’

  “‘No,’ says Jimmy, I don’t think so. What is it?’

  “Old Billy, twice as mysterious as ever, pulls out a day before yesterday’s newspaper. ‘I wonder you ain’t heard of it,’ says he; ‘it’s in all the papers, and quite the shout jist now. Read that.’

  “So Jimmy Spicer took the paper, and there he read a report all about how a very swell doctor from a ‘orspital had managed to lose one o’ them tiny little bits o’ radium, and thought it must ha’ been in a bus. It was in a little bit of a glass phial, it seemed, not more’n an inch and a half long, and all the doctor knew about it was that soon after he got out o’ the bus it wasn’t in his waistcoat pocket, and he s’posed he must ha’ dropped it. And then the paper went on to say what a fearful lot o’ money that little bit o’ radium was worth — a million quid, or a thousand, or whatever it was.

  “Jimmy read it all through and licked his lips over the big figures. ‘That’s a bit of all right for the chap as finds it,’ he said.

  “‘Yes,’ says old Billy, coughin’ be’ind ‘is ‘and. ‘Yes. As it ‘appens, that there doctor’s a old friend o’ mine.’

  “‘Is he?’ says Jimmy, surprised. ‘Pore chap!’

  “‘Yes,’ says old Billy, not noticin’ Jimmy’s clumsy compliment. ‘Yes, he’s a very old friend o’ mine. Did you ever ‘appen to see any radium?’

  “‘Why, no!’ says jimmy.

  “‘Ah,’ says old Billy, ‘not many ‘ave. Here’s another thing you might read. I cut it out o’ Home Chips.’ And he lugs out a bit o’ paper from his pocket.

  “Jimmy reads the new piece, gettin’ more excited every line. He was always excited about anything worth money. The piece was a interview with some scientific toff as had some radium of his own. It told all about how there wasn’t ‘arf a fistful of it in the wide wide, and if there was the Bank of England ‘ud bust itself if it tried to buy it. Then it described what the little bit looked like what the scientific toff had got. ‘Professor Simpson holds before our eyes,’ it said, ‘a tiny glass bottle, in the bottom of which lie a few grains of a dull-looking metallic powder. This, then, is the mysterious substance of which we hear so much, and this pinch of uninteresting-looking dust is worth a fortune!’

  “‘Lor’!’ says little Jimmy; ‘wonderful, ain’t it?’

  “‘Yes,’ says old Billy, lookin’ at Jimmy dreamy-like; ‘he was a old friend o’ mine — that doctor as lost his bit. And I ‘appened to be in the bus at the time.’

  “‘Lummy!’ says Jimmy Spicer; ‘you don’t say so!’

  “‘Yes,’ says Billy, ‘I was; and I’ll prove it. ‘Ere’s the stuff itself!’ And he pulls out a bit of a glass bottle half as long as your little finger.

  “Jimmy Spicer hadn’t got enough eyes to stare with, and he ‘arf choked hisself with excitement. There sure enough was a little bit o’ dusty-looking dirty-yeller powder in the bottle, just enough to cover the bottom.

  “G’lor’!’ busts out Jimmy. Then you — you got it off of him!’

  “Old Billy puts his head aside and smiles very meek. ‘He was a very old friend o’ mine,’ he says. ‘Sometimes you don’t mind takin’ a liberty with a old friend; and I sort o’ felt I might as well ‘ave that radium.’

  “‘What are you goin’ to do with it?’ says Jimmy Spicer.

  “‘Well,’ says old Billy, ‘I been a-thinkin’ about it, and I don’t quite know. It’s worth a rare lot o’ money, you can see that from the papers. Of course, as a erring human creature, I’m tempted to keep it, but times are ‘ard, and I don’t like keepin’ a thing belongin’ to a old friend like that doctor; cured me of pneumatic information, he did, more’n once. So in case I might be tempted to sell it, I think I’ll give it him back.’

  “‘What?’ screams Jimmy, shocked and ‘orrified. ‘Give it back? You’re off your napper! Give back that radium? It’s positive wicked! What for?’

  “‘Why,’ says old Billy, ‘p’r’aps it ain’t quite right I should have it — lots o’ people might think so. I’m quite sure that doctor ‘ud think so hisself, and p’r’aps he suspects I’ve got it. I’m a bit afraid he does, in fact, and that kind o’ makes me feel conscientious about it. Takin’ it by and large, I think I’d better repent; p’r’aps he’d stand a reward for my honesty.’

  “‘No,’ says Jimmy, very eager, ‘don’t do that. I’m sure he wouldn’t stand anythink; he’d ‘ave you jugged as soon as look at you, a feller like that. But it’s quite right to repent, you know — you ought to; only not with the stuff on you — it ain’t safe. You repent, and I’ll give you five bob for the stuff. See?’

  “But old Billy didn’t see it a bit, at the price. ‘Five bob?’ he says. ‘Why, it’s ridic’lous. I’m game enough to repent, but not for five bob. Five quid, now, I might think about.’

  “So they argued it out longways, little Jimmy Spicer tellin’ old Billy what a awful risk he was runnin’ goin’ about with the swag on him, and how ungrateful it ‘ud be to his old friend the doctor to try to make a lot o’ money out of it — especially as he couldn’t try to sell sich a thing without being pinched on the spot. And, after all, old Billy took a quid and ‘anded over the radium, with tears in his eyes.

  “‘It’s a fortune I’m givin’ you,’ he said, ‘and I ‘ope you won’t forget it if ever I’m ‘ard up. I shall never ‘ave a fortune o’ my own; I’m too conscientious!’

  “Jimmy Spicer rushed ‘ome to tell his wife, but half-way he stopped and bought Home Chips, in case she mightn’t understand. She didn’t understand at first, but when she got the hang of the business and rumbled the fact that the little bit o’ dust in the bottle meant one o’ them fortunes you write with a one and a lot o’ noughts, she grabbed the bottle and stuck to it tight. She said she wasn’t goin’ to give Jimmy a chance o’ squanderin’ of it backin’ losers or any sich foolishness as that, and she meant to take care of the family capital till there was proper chance o’ turnin’ it into the real ‘ard stuff. So she just surrounded that bottle o’ radium, and all poor Jimmy could do he couldn’t find out where she hid it. It was no good askin’ questions; she was three times his size, as I think I’ve told you, and twice as determined; and now the fortune ‘ad come at last she wasn’t goin’ to risk Jimmy doin’ anything with it except skirmish out and find ‘ow to make money of it. As for her, not wantin’ to waste time, she took the best ‘at and shawl out o’ the shop and went round puttin’ on most rabunculous airs in advance. She practised comin’ the lawfty to sich a extent that, if she ‘adn’t been a precious large woman, she’d ha’ had the ‘at tore off her head half-a-dozen times by some of her friends. Them she partic’lar favoured she said wasn’t lookin’ well, and she’d take ‘em for a blow in the noo motah!

  “But Jimmy Spicer was busy skirmishin’ — not that it did much good. It cost quite a lot in drinks, though, because the only idea he began with was getting talking casual with anybody as would, and leadin’ on gradually to radium. It was surprisin’ what a lot of people wasn’t too proud to talk in consideration of drinks, and surprisin’ what a little they knew about radium when it come to the point. Some of ‘em had read bits in the papers, though, and pretty soon Jimmy began buyin’ Home Chips and Nobby Bits reg’lar, and cuttin’ out all the things about radium. For a long time he didn’t get much out of them ‘cept figures and centigrammes and things, b
ut the figures excited him most outrageous, and he got more anxious than ever to find where his missis had hid the little bottle. He tried the whole house, and broke quite a lot of things afore he made up his mind his missis must keep it somewhere about ‘er. As soon as he made quite sure o’ that he got all of a sudden most wonderful affectionate, and went a-chasin’ his missis about and huggin’ and cuddlin’ of her all over the place, pattin’ and squeejin’ of her most lovin’ to find out where the stuff was stowed. It was sich a novelty for Mrs. Spicer she couldn’t understand it, and swiped ‘im over the head with anything as come fust. She said she’d take the poker to him next time ‘e came ‘ome dangerous drunk like that.

  “So Jimmy never found out exactly where his missis hid the radium, though it turned out it was about her somewhere. It come out ‘cos of a piece he found in a noo number of Home Chips. He came ‘ome with it chucklin’ all the way to think what a jolt he was goin’ to give her. ‘Look here,’ he says as soon as he see her, ‘here’s somethink most uncommon interestin’ about radium. Listen:

  “In regard to the recent loss of a quantity of radium in a London omnibus, it may not he generally known that most seriously dangerous results arise from the carrying of the smallest quantity of this remarkable mineral near the human body. Malignant ulcers are formed, leading to many painful and obscure diseases.”’

  “‘What?’ screams the missis. ‘What?’ And with one bounce she was in the bed-room, and Jimmy could hear her things rippin’ and floppin’ as she tore ‘em off. In about four seconds she was back at the door lookin’ like half a ton o’ stock out o’ the wardrobe shop, with the bottle o’ radium in the end of a pair o’ tongs.

  “‘Here y’are!’ says she. ‘Take yer precious radium! Jist like a man, puttin’ all the risk on yer pore wife! Want to get me out of the way, don’t ye? Jist you wait till I’ve tied meself up agen, you cowardly little blaggard, that’s all! I’ll show ye!’