The Stainless Steel Rat Joins the Circus ssr-11

by Harry Harrison

“Igor, indeed,” Chaise said. “I like to keep track of my employees. Now, if you please, take a chair while we have a little picture show.”

  He put the holoplay on the desk and actuated it. A holographic image appeared in the air above it.

  Angelina! Then she spoke.

  “When you see this, Jim, don’t do anything sudden or foolish,” the image said, then grew smaller as the camera drew back. A masked man stood pointing a gun at her. I could now see that her hands were tied. The image flickered and moved and Gloriana appeared, slavering and angry; she was securely tied by her hind legs and immobile. Another shift and Angelina appeared again. She was coldly angry, snapping out her words.

  “It is Chaise. He is probably there with you now. Here is what he told me to say. Obey his orders. Do what he says. If you don’t he promises to kill Gloriana at once.”

  She was livid with rage and could barely speak the words.

  “If that doesn’t convince you-he said that I would be next.”

  Chapter 13

  This is the sort of situation that I really do not like to be in. All right; I admit that I have been here before. But no matter how many times you get a gun pointed at you, with a quavering finger on the trigger, you don’t really get used to it. And usually I had been alone when threatened. Now my family was involved and in danger. About the only tiny ray of hope in this situation was the fact that Chaise didn’t know Bolivar was in the other room. I looked at Paka and he looked back in silence; he wasn’t going to mention Bolivar’s presence. The tiny photon of light in the current pall of gloom. I was certainly less than happy with this last turn of events. But losing my temper wasn’t going to help in any way. That’s it Jim, under control, speak quietly but firmly.

  “You are calling the shots, Chaise. But let us get one thing straight at the very beginning. If my wife suffers even the slightest injury, it will mean that you have signed your death certificate.”

  “You are in no position to give orders to me!”

  “That’s not an order, Chaise, it is a statement of fact. If I am not around to put an end to your miserable existence, then someone else will. Now that we have an understanding-what is it that you want me to do?”

  He thought about what I had said, then decided to ignore it. He had an ego as big as dwarf star. He smiled in a most friendly way.

  “See. Wasn’t that easy?”

  He slipped the gun into a shoulder holster and looked at the cowering Paka. Pointed a stern finger at him. “I assume correctly that you want to go on living?”

  Paka’s skin blanched. He was beyond words and could only nod.

  “Good. I could ask you to keep events of what has occurred here to yourself. But I have no assurances that you would.” Chaise looked over at me. “My careful study of your MO revealed the fact that you use knockout gas with an amnesia element to subdue your enemies. Am I correct in assuming you are so equipped now?”

  I gave my most surly nod.

  “Excellent. Would you be see so kind as to administer a dose to Paka?” He looked on approvingly as the accountant dropped, unconscious. Prodded him with a toe and got only a snore in response. “It is for your protection, as well as mine, to keep our little relationship from being revealed. I want you to take command of the financial procurement operations of my bank.”

  “I know nothing about banking.”

  “I am talking about robbing banks-and I know for a fact that you have more than a little experience in that line. Up until now Igor here has been in charge of the operation. But he has no imagination or skill and is good only in carrying out orders.”

  Igor scowled at this description but did not protest.

  “I have had to do all the planning myself and I do have other matters to think about. You will take over his team of robots. Robbery robots, specially designed for this single purpose.”

  “It won’t work. Robots must obey the Laws of Robotics. They cannot harm man, lie, steal, commit sexual or immoral acts…”

  “Try not to be so tiresome, Jim. I am not talking about intelligent robots. I am talking about brainless machines that have been carefully programmed. Go with Igor. He has the plans and instructions for your first assignment. The first thing that you will do is to complete the operation where my own bank was broken into.”

  Things were beginning to fall into place. “You robbed your own bank?”

  “Of course. By that simple act I removed myself from the list of suspects from any fixture bank robberies.”

  A lot more mental pieces slid into their sockets. “Then, let me guess, you had Bolivar framed for the theft?” He nodded happily. “Which led you even closer to me until—pow!—you pointed me out as the criminal-record and all! You didn’t get me to this planet to stop robbing banks-I’m here to do the direct opposite!”

  I jumped for him and he touched the holoscreen and Angelina’s image appeared before me. I lowered my clutching hands and tried not to froth too much. And the more I thought about it-the more I realized how I had been conned. He nodded cheerful agreement to my sudden realizations.

  “It was your avarice that was your undoing,” he said, rolling Paka aside with his foot and seating himself in the unconscious man’s chair. “As I planned, you could see only the four million a day. That golden dazzle overcame every suspicion you had, led you by the nose into my trap. Any reasonable man would have got out before the trap closed. But no, not you. Not the Stainless Steel Rat who walks alone! I counted upon your monstrous ego to keep you going to the bitter end. Am I not correct?”

  Well, deep down, I suppose he was. Though I did not like that Monstrous Ego crapola. But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of having me agree with him. I pulled over a metal folding chair and sat down. Relaxed. Buffed my fingernails on my shirt and admired their shine.

  “Chaise, old thief, did it ever occur to you that I was on to you, and just leading you down the path?”

  He shook his head. “No, that is not possible. You are now on the run, sought by all of the various kinds of police on this over-policed planet. You know that I have a hostage that will ensure your complete cooperation. And-“ He smiled widely as he inserted one final knife into my deflated ego, gave it a twist as well. “And I have been keeping careful track of your pathetic monetary maneuvers. Thinking that you were outwitting the man who is the master of money laundering and interbank transfers. The only element of originality in the entire process was starting your own bank to conceal my millions. And even that wasn’t your own idea, was it? Bolivar came up with it. I was happy to employ such an original thinker in my own bank here. Even happier to turn him over to the police for his foolishness in trying to outdo me.”

  “I haven’t the slightest idea what you are talking about,” I said bravely. To disguise the sinking feeling that I knew very well what he was talking about. That smirk again, my fists closed, what a pleasure it would be to wipe it off his face! Relax Jim, I opened my fists and leaned back. If I lost my temper he would win.

  “Those millions I paid you, the golden goad that kept you going. They are gone from your bank and returned to mine once more. What do you think of that?”

  “I think we had better change the subject before you get yourself overexcited and burst a blood vessel. We were talking about lies. I respect you for that, if nothing else, for you are a master liar. The more I think about it the more I begin to think that probably everything you have told me since we met was a lie. You only wanted me on Fetorr as a cover for your robberies. To be the one and only suspect in what I am sure is to be a spectacular series of future bank thefts. The profits of which will go to you!”

  He smiled and took a small bow. “One must have a certain imagination to get rich in this competitive galaxy. And Fetorr is the perfect place for this particular operation. Corrupt police, greedy capitalists, nonexistent income-tax laws. It is positively a license to print money.”

  I fought even harder now to control my anger: if ever a cool head was needed it w
as at this moment. There had to be an end to the approaching series of bank robberies-then what? “So I run the operation for you. What then? After the last robbery-what happens?”

  “That is completely up to you, my dear friend. If you are captured there is a great deal that you could reveal about my operations. The Fetorr police are well versed in techniques for extracting information from even the most reluctant witness. You probably would not be believed, but it could be an embarrassment to me if you were. So you must not allow yourself to be captured. I have carefully examined your criminal record-which is why I decided to employ you. You are very good at this sort of thing. I suppose that with a great deal of effort you might be able to escape, flee this planet, go into hiding when your employment is finished. In fact that that is just what I suggest you do. Out of sheer generosity I will help you escape to a very distant planet. Where your wife will join you. I am sure that there will be no temptations for you to ever return to Fetorr.”

  “And what do I get out of all this?”

  “Isn’t your freedom enough?” The humor was suddenly gone and I had a quick glimpse of the creature that Chaise really was. “Freedom, restored to the bosom of your family once again. I would say that that would be a fair trade in exchange for your services rendered.”

  That was it. And there was nothing I could do about it. Now. But other ears than mine had heard us talking. The wall was thin, the inside doors flimsy. Bolivar must have heard every word spoken here. He would know that I could take care of myself, know at the same that he had to follow Chaise, run him to ground—and find out where Angelina was being kept. If her freedom were secured then Kaia’s plans were instantly worthless. Which meant that all I could do was mark time, do as I was told. And find a way to open some lines of communication with Bolivar.

  Really, I had no choice.

  “When do I start?” I asked quietly, keeping all my true feelings under lock and key. For the moment.

  “Excellent!” Chaise said, rubbing his hands together with pecuniary pleasure. “Igor will supply transportation, and will pass my orders on to you.” He looked out of the window at the darkening sky. “The banks are closed. My employees gone, the premises empty. Go now to the coffers of the Widows and Orphans and restore that which was temporarily taken from me.

  We went. Chaise in his luxurious limousine. Igor and I in the same springless and filthy vehicle. I climbed up into the cab beside him.

  “One of these days, Igor, I am going to maim and kill you. Or worse.” He emitted a sound somewhere halfway between a laugh and a grunt.

  “No way. Boss got you by the short and curlies. We work now.”

  We trundled steadily into Fetorrscoria, with the rush-hour traffic going in the opposite direction. No one took heed of our inconspicuous truck. Even the police turned glassy eyes away when we went by. Off the payway into the main streets, then passing the Widows and Orphans 1st Interstellar Bank, we turned into the alleyway behind it. Igor put on the brakes and we juddered to a stop. He dug into the clutter on the seat between us and produced a small recorder; hung it by a lanyard around his neck before he pressed the button that turned it on.

  “Deactivate alarms by placing your hand on the plate beside the rear entrance to the bank Do it now. ”

  Igor grunted an understanding grunt, opened the cab door and climbed down. I saw him place his knuckles against the plate. Heard the tiny voice speak again. “The palm of your hand. “ Was there a note of exasperation in the recorded voice?

  The hidden machinery whirred and the massive entrance portal slid slowly into the ground. Igor climbed back into the cab and thumbed the machine again.

  “Drive into the bank, “ the computer-generated voice said. Wonderful! This cretin probably couldn’t even read. We trundled into the bank, and still following the recorded instructions, he closed the garage door and waved me after him. “Activate robots, “ was the next command.

  We went around to the rear and let down a ramp, climbed inside. In the semidarkness I could make out the metallic clutter of a number of small, low-slung robots. Igor bent over and, one by one, switched them on. Green lights glowed, wheels and tracks shifted slightly then stopped. Igor pressed the button for more information.

  “Everyone and every thing into the bank.”

  Igor turned back to me. “Bring robots. Follow me.”

  “Let’s go, guys,” I said. Nothing happened. All of the robots I have used were voice operated. These weren’t. I bent and looked at the nearest one and saw a lever between the rear treads. I kicked the lever and the thing beeped and started forward. I kicked madly at all the others until they were trundling about in circles, then followed me when I went down the ramp and into the bank after Igor. I wondered what sadomasochistic mind had designed the robotic controls.

  We proceeded at a snail’s pace; I hoped we would be out by dawn. Pausing often for instructions, we made our way into the bank’s innards. Alarms were switched off, lights turned on, grilles and gates open. Until we finally stood before the massive door of the vault.

  “Enter six, six, six, six times, “ the robotic voice ordered.

  Igor did as ordered and the tumblers fell: a green light blinked. While he was waiting for orders to turn the locking wheel I turned the locking wheel. The bars did from their sockets and I tugged the door open.

  The last time I had looked into the vault with Bolivar it had been a scene of cruel theft. Safety-deposit boxes torn from their niches and thrown, empty, to the floor. Most of them were back in place, though there were gaps where those too battered to fit had been removed. Now what?

  “Go to box three two five and open it. “ I beat him to it; it wasn’t locked and slid soundlessly out. “Activate device. “ The box was empty save for a plastic container with a button labeled PUSH ME on top of it. I pushed it-then began to slide and fall.

  The entire floor of the vault, hinged at the doorway, was dropping down. Lights came on below revealing a chamber that occupied the area beneath the vault.

  Which was filled from wall to wall with transparent plastic bundles stuffed with credits of all denominations. And jewelry and works of art. Obviously the contents of all the safety deposit boxes.

  “A great scenario,” I said. “I tip my hat to Chaise, a true criminal genius. As well as being a brain-twisted swine.”

  This was the perfect way to rob your own bank. Slip into the vault after closing time and open the chamber under it; undoubtedly installed by crooked offworld builders. Then clean out all of the valuables and raise the lid. Grand theft, shock, horror-and undoubtedly, writhing and complaining, the insurance companies paid out for the losses. Now, doubly rewarded, this crooked banker still had the theoretically stolen loot.

  A few more kicks put the programmed robots to work. Handbots grabbed up the credits and loaded up the cartbots, which trundled away with the loot. Igor and I stood by and watched this industrious scene until the hidden chamber was empty, save a few bits of torn plastic. We followed our helpers back as Igor, ever so slowly, received recorded instructions to close and seal the vault and the bank. Obviously lacking the intelligence to reverse the commands for entry.

  It was midnight, and I was tired, before we were done. I almost dozed off as we trundled down the dark streets, barely . illuminated by the far-spaced streetlights. We finally stopped before the looming bulk of a large warehouse. He had obviously done this before because-without instructions! – he keyed the transmitter hanging next to the soft dice above the dashboard. Hidden motors whined and the large garage door ground open. We drove in.

  “Where do we sleep?” I asked hopefully. “And, possibly, eat?”

  “Unload first.”

  The inner room was thick-walled and well-sealed. I sat on a box and dozed while the scurrying robots carried the ill-gotten gains from the truck into the vault. Only when this had been done, and the robots kicked in the direction of their recharging outlets, did Igor yawn loudly and lead the way to what might laughingly be cal
led living quarters. If you lived like a porcuswine in a wallow.

  Igor drank his dinner directly from an amber bottle, muttered something completely unintelligible, then dropped onto one of the ragged bunks and fell asleep. I resisted the urge to kick him in the head and went exploring.

  There was a desk with a telephone on it which I completely ignored. That one would be hooked directly to Kaia’s control center. The plumbing facilities looked as grim as the sleeping accommodations. But there was a freeze-n-fry unit that seemed to be operating. All of the storage compartments seemed to be empty other than the one labeled Octopus Nuggets ‘n-Chips. I threw the frozen contents of the box into the hopper to the fryer, and a few minutes later it discharged a solid lump of what purported to be food.

  I chewed down as much as I could of it, threw the rest ofit out and found the bunk farthest from the loudly snoring Igor.

  And so to sleep.

  My last thought as I corked off was yes, I certainly had seen better days.

  Chapter 14

  Two hour passed before the alarm in my watch went off, and vibrated silently against my wrist. Igor was still snoring away, and surely would for quite some time yet, considering all of the booze he had drunk. It was time to open some lines of communication-if possible. I slipped out of this dismal gent’s dormitory, stepped over the charging robots, and found a small door close to the garage entrance. It was of course alarmed and locked, but even in my tired state I opened it easily enough. I looked out: the street was empty. Filthy and shabby. A rundown district that was perfect for Kaia’s needs. There was a good chance that no one would be out and about this time of night. I hoped that it would stay that way since I made a memorable sight in my ruined tuxedo. The rain had stopped but the streets were still wet; I turned up my coat collar and went looking for a phone.

  I found two in the space of half an hour; both vandalized. I was bone-weary-but I had to go on. This might be the only chance I had to be on my own for some time-and it was imperative that I make contact with my son. I kept going. I was the only pedestrian about at this time of night, although the occasional car or truck whistled by. Another vandalized phone and I was about to give up hope-when I saw the cluster of colored lights ahead.