His Kind of Love

by Kate Hawthorne

  “I’ve been alone for a while.”

  Gabriel gave no response, hoping his silence would encourage Joel to continue.

  “And that’s fine. I have Athena. She's my best friend, my only friend really. I don’t date or anything. It’s better for me to keep to myself.”

  More silence.

  “I collect Bibles,” Joel blurted, as though he hadn't meant to let the words escape.

  “Bibles?” Gabriel finally spoke, and he reached a hand out so he could brush his fingertips across Joel's forehead. Joel turned to face Gabriel, which was what he had hoped for. Joel situated himself on his side, so they were face to face, only inches separating them.

  “Bibles. The old ones. I go to estate sales, and if I see one there, I’ll buy it. I have over a dozen. I have one from 1836. It’s my favorite. It has this smell about it I love, and when I hold it in my hands, it feels, I don’t know, important somehow. It was actually the first one I bought. I love all the others, but that one is special.” Gabriel imagined Joel with an old Bible, holding it delicately in his hands, as to not damage the almost two-hundred-year-old binding which was already fraying. He observed Joel turning the pages, skimming through the Old Testament, to the thicker parchment in the middle so he could read the births, marriages and death records for the generations past. It was a vivid sight for Gabriel, and he recognized it was because he had watched Joel do it, a few months ago at a house in Bel Air. At the time, Gabriel didn’t understand Joel’s fascination with the crumbling relic, but he’d appreciated the sight at the time and he’d tucked it away as a memory.

  “Why Bibles?” Gabriel asked. It was something he had wanted to know before, and knowing now that he was on the cusp of learning this tidbit that his observations hadn’t allowed, he was beyond excited. Gabriel leaned forward, narrowing the gap of space between their noses, forcing Joel to look him in the eyes.

  “Because they’re abandoned. Religion used to be so important to people, to families. Those Bibles were always the ‘what are you going to save in the event of a fire?’ item, because it was a family’s whole history, their legacy. And now, people don’t care. Their grandparents die, or their parents die, and the Bibles are discarded like trash. You know, I’ve never paid more than two dollars for one of them?” Joel paused. “I guess I hope that somewhere, in another life, those people know their story is important, even if it’s only important to me. It matters.”

  Gabriel leaned in and pressed his lips against Joel's mouth. He kissed him softly before he pulled back.

  “I think that’s beautiful.” Gabriel kissed him again. “I think you’re beautiful.”

  “You still don’t know anything about me.” Joel tilted his head down, breaking eye contact.

  “Let me know you, then. I want to, Joel. I want to know you so much.” He tilted Joel’s face back up, grazing his thumb back and forth across Joel's smooth chin.

  Silence again.

  “What type of people?” Joel asked him suddenly. Gabriel raised an eyebrow, “What type of people did you have to deal with? What do you think I had to deal with?”

  Gabriel wanted to be honest. Never had Gabriel wanted more than anything to confess his omissions so Joel could see how deeply Gabriel truly fucking cared for him, but it was too new still, too delicate. He searched for a level of honesty that would be truthful, without giving away the reality of his devotion.

  “Well, unsupportive parents for one, unsupportive siblings. My father and my younger brother were both verbally abusive homophobes. I was thrown out of my house the day I graduated from high school because my brother caught me kissing another boy, and he told our father. The boy, of course, was so deep in the closet that when he realized we had been caught, he took off and I never heard from him again.” Gabriel stopped, seeing flickers of recognition spark in Joel’s eyes.

  “My dad died when I was a kid. My stepdad, he was like that too,” Joel whispered.

  Yeah, I know all about that one. Gabriel thought.

  “It was hard for me. It’s still hard for me to form meaningful relationships sometimes. I know, truly–in my heart, I know that my father and brother are not good people. I know they aren’t representative of the world as a whole. But it’s difficult to open up to someone else when your own blood relations turn their backs on you.”

  Gabriel wiped a tear as it escaped from Joel’s eye. Joel's cheeks colored the most beautiful red as a moment of shame passed across his face.

  “Don’t,” Gabriel told him. “Don’t be ashamed. Not with me, and not here. Not in my house, not in this bed.” Gabriel’s cock started to harden in response to Joel’s display of vulnerability. That is surprisingly unexpected. Gabriel shifted his body, trying to keep his erection from nudging against Joel.

  “My mom and stepdad left as soon as I graduated. They moved back east, to Maryland where my stepdad was from. They told me to go stay with my grandma, Marilyn, you know, across the hall from you. I did for a bit, but my allergies were too bad. So I got a job, and as soon as I had a few hundred dollars, I moved out. I’ve been in my own little apartment since then.” Another tear escaped Joel's eye, but Gabriel left it, watching it slide down the porcelain skin of Joel's cheek. It caught on his cheekbone and changed course, falling toward his ear. He sniffled.

  “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.”

  Another tear, and another, and another. They started to fall so freely that Gabriel wouldn't have been able to catch them all even if he had tried.

  “It’s okay, Joel. You’re safe here, I promise you that.”

  Joel sniffled again, and nodded his head.

  “I’m tired of being alone.”

  Joel's admission was so quiet, Gabriel thought he misheard. But he rolled it around in his head, taking it for what it was. A confirmation Joel trusted him, that their souls were the same, their hearts wore the same scars.

  “Then don’t be,” Gabriel whispered in reply. An invitation.

  Joel sucked in a quivering breath and closed the space between them, burrowing into Gabriel's chest. Gabriel wrapped his arms around Joel's delicate body and held him to the point of discomfort. Joel didn’t flinch away from him, but instead pressed in closer, and his own cock nudged against Gabriel's, which had fully hardened again. When Gabriel’s erection bobbed against Joel, he cried out, a watery and painful-sounding noise that was filled with loneliness, acceptance, and desire all balled up into one confusing emotional release.

  Gabriel pressed his chin against the top of Joel's head and held him, realizing the enormity of the gift Joel had given him tonight. He closed his eyes, shifting his head to inhale the scent of Joel's hair, which smelled like the dollar store shampoo he used, tinged with sweat, and now, Gabriel's laundry detergent.

  “You’re not alone anymore, Joel,” he murmured into Joel's bright red hair. He had the thought that Joel probably dyed his hair not necessarily because he liked the color, but in an attempt to shield himself from the prying eyes of the world. Joel's body shook with a sob, and Gabriel felt him nod his head in agreement.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Joel Has a Successful Date

  Fuck.

  Fuck.

  Fuck.

  Joel couldn’t figure out what it was about Gabriel that made his mouth open up like a fucking uncontrollable faucet and spew shit out. He snorted at the analogy, bitterly thinking about the stupid faucet in his kitchen that brought him here in the first place. The snort caused him to choke on his tears, and he buried his head deeper into Gabriel's chest.

  Gabriel soothed his back with long strokes of his fingers from neck to tailbone, and Joel didn’t miss that the fingers never lifted from his skin. Gabriel made sure to stay in constant physical contact, and fuck, did Joel appreciate it. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to regain some semblance of control over his emotions by forcing himself to focus on the constant and steady drift of Gabriel's fingertips.

  Joel found his breath returning to normal, and
his tears were finally slowing. Gabriel kissed the top of his head, the bright red strands sweaty and no doubt matted. For a fleeting moment, Joel hated that his hair wasn’t its natural color.

  He was so tired. Tired of fighting, and struggling, and being alone. But mostly, he was tired of hiding. He'd pretended for years that everything he did, from dyeing his hair to rarely dating, was based solely on his personal preferences. But in this raw and naked moment, held by Gabriel and feeling like nothing could possibly hurt him ever again, Joel at last admitted to himself that he'd been lying to himself for years. All Joel did was hide.

  He hid behind his colorful hair, and also behind his ostentatious best friend. Joel hid deep inside his solitude, as though it was a fortress that would keep him safe, but all it did was leave him painfully alone. Joel hid out of fear, and also what he thought was the necessity of self-preservation, and he was thoroughly sick of it. One taste of Gabriel and he didn't want to be alone or hide any more.

  “Let me get you washed up, Little Red.”

  Gabriel's voice cut through the silence, and Joel wiped his cheeks dry against Gabriel's chest, then nodded.

  Gabriel pulled both of them upright in the bed, smoothed Joel's hair off his face, and tucked the long locks behind his ears. He wiped Joel’s cheeks with his thumbs, and pressed a kiss against Joel's forehead. Gabriel untangled their legs and stood, holding his hand out for Joel. With a deep breath, Joel took Gabriel's hand, and let him pull him toward the en suite.

  Joel stood naked in the doorway, toes on the cold tiles, as Gabriel walked across the bathroom as confident in his nakedness as if he had been fully dressed in a three-piece suit. Joel eyed him as Gabriel leaned into the shower, turning the water on warm and moving his hand beneath the spray to make sure it was the right temperature. When Gabriel was satisfied, he reached behind him, extending his hand toward Joel, so Joel shuffled across the bathroom floor, entwining his fingers with Gabriel's.

  Gabriel tugged him forward, and they both stepped into the shower. Gabriel's arms wrapped around Joel from behind and slid slowly down his ribcage, to his waist, before settling on his hips. Gabriel gave him a squeeze before reaching to the cubby in the shower to remove a loofah and soap.

  Joel cupped his hands together, filled them with water, and then splashed his face. His eyes were red and swollen from his earlier meltdown. It was so embarrassing to come and then cry.

  He dropped his chin to his chest, and the soapy loofah touched his shoulder from behind. Gabriel soaped his entire back, kneeling down to use a combination of his hands and the loofah to clean down the length of Joel's legs. He tapped Joel's right foot and Joel lifted it, and Gabriel cleaned it, repeating the process on the left side. Joel turned his back to the spray, letting it rinse the soap away, as Gabriel worked his way back up the front of Joel's legs. He washed the dried cum from Joel's belly, and the sweat from his armpits. Gabriel dropped the loofah and dug his fingers into Joel's neck, releasing all the tension he was stockpiling there.

  “Rinse,” Gabriel told him, and he turned again to face the spray. Gabriel shifted and picked up the sponge, then quickly washed himself. Joel stepped aside so Gabriel could rinse, and then he turned the water off, stepping out and getting a towel. Joel dried himself, keeping a watchful eye on Gabriel as he did the same. They moved around the bathroom easily, without getting in each other’s way, and Joel was at ease, not only in the space, but in his own body. He wasn't sure if he could think of a time when he'd been more comfortable, or at home. It was as if he belonged here, in this beautiful condo, with Gabriel.

  Without a word, Gabriel dropped the towel and took Joel by the hand, leading him back into the bedroom. Gabriel pulled the comforter back, revealing smooth, untouched sheets.

  “Get in.”

  Joel dropped his towel and climbed into the massive bed. Gabriel slid in behind him, wrapping an arm securely around Joel's waist.

  “Do you work tomorrow?” Gabriel asked him, and Joel nodded.

  “Not until three, though.” Joel's eyes were heavy and he let them close, breathing in the smell of Gabriel on the pillowcase.

  “Good. I want to take you somewhere tomorrow. I think you’ll like it.” Gabriel pressed his forehead against the back of Joel's head. Joel nodded again; it was all he could muster before succumbing to sleep.

  ***

  Joel woke slowly, his body waking minutes before he had the ability to open his eyes. He allowed himself those few moments to sink deeper into Gabriel's arms. Joel noted they were in the same position as when they had fallen asleep, and something about that consistency settled softly inside Joel's chest. He stretched, sticking his leg between Gabriel's and using it to leverage his body so he could turn onto his back.

  “You’re awake,” Gabriel murmured into Joel's ear, pressing a kiss against the spot on his neck right below it.

  “I am.”

  Gabriel squeezed him. “I want to take you somewhere, so go get dressed. I want to leave in half an hour.”

  Joel grumbled, and Gabriel unwrapped their legs, throwing the blankets back and getting up from the bed. Joel turned to look at him. Gabriel's cock stood proudly, like the rest of him. He bit his lip, thinking about how badly he wanted to swallow Gabriel’s cock down his throat, but Gabriel gave him a chiding stare and a slight shake of his head before heading to the bathroom.

  “Go, Joel.”

  “Yes, Mr. Hunter,” Joel grumbled and Gabriel turned to face him.

  “I told you how I feel about you calling me that.”

  “No, you told me not to do it, you never told me why.” Joel raised an eyebrow in defiance.

  Gabriel eyed Joel's naked form before replying with dry certainty, “It makes me want to fucking tear you apart with my cock.”

  Joel gulped and nodded. “Understood… Mr. Hunter.”

  Gabriel's cock leapt and he pointed at the door until Joel smirked and headed back to his own bedroom.

  Twenty-seven minutes later, Joel was sitting at the breakfast bar when Gabriel entered the living room, dressed more casually than Joel had expected, in dark jeans, a plain red t-shirt, and black boots. Joel looked down at his dirty chucks and the self-doubt crept back in. Gabriel was so handsome and put together, and Joel was lying his way through life while wearing the mask of someone who knew what he was doing.

  Joel glanced up to see Gabriel smiling at him, looking… Grateful? Thoughtful? Joel couldn’t identify the meaning behind his eyes, but he could see it wasn’t disappointment, so he decided to allow himself to revel in the glow of it.

  Gabriel walked past him and grabbed his keys off the counter. “Come on, Little Red, time to go.”

  Joel followed Gabriel out of the condo and downstairs to the parking garage. They stopped in front of a new-looking black Range Rover. “Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Joel asked.

  “Get in the car, Joel,” Gabriel said with a smirk, as he unlocked the doors.

  Joel climbed inside, pulling the seat belt across his chest. Gabriel turned the engine over and started to drive across town. Joel watched the palm trees of Beverly Hills give way to the concrete of the 405 north as they headed toward the valley. Pulling off before they reached the 101, Joel read the signs and turned to Gabriel. “Are we going to The Getty?” he asked, trying to bounce in his seat. Gabriel nodded, the side of his lips quirking up into a smile.

  “There’s an exhibit I think you might enjoy.”

  Gabriel turned into the parking structure, paying the fee and sliding into a spot. Joel nearly exploded out of the car, making his way to the tram stop.

  “I haven’t been here before. I’ve always wanted to come, though.”

  “It’s beautiful. I come here sometimes to sit and have lunch. I always do it alone, though. I've never brought a date here.” Gabriel bumped his shoulder against Joel's as they boarded the tram.

  “Everyone always says this is like, the perfect L.A. date. Why haven’t you ever brought anyone with you?” Joel teased Gab
riel. He almost leaned his head down to rest on Gabriel's shoulder as the tram bounced up the hill, but stopped himself. Gabriel had said he’d never brought a date here, so this obviously wasn't a date and Joel was definitely reading into things too much again. He straightened his shoulders, trying to distance himself from the happiness curling up in his gut.

  “I never brought a date here until today,” Gabriel replied softly, and Joel's head snapped up. Gabriel's lips flitted into a brief and hopeful smile that quickly fell away. That feeling of happiness quickly unfurled inside of Joel, dangerously close to his heart. Joel returned Gabriel’s smile and decided to rest his head on Gabriel's shoulder after all.

  Departing the tram once it reached the top of the hill, Gabriel reached for Joel's hand and Joel happily offered it. Gabriel pointed at the exhibition sign, Nature in Renaissance Manuscripts, and Joel couldn't do anything to contain the wide grin that spread across his face. This was better than a trip to Disneyland, as far as Joel was concerned.

  “I know it’s not Bibles, but the Renaissance illuminations are so beautiful and I thought you might enjoy them just the same.” Gabriel was more reserved and cautious than Joel had ever seen him, and Joel bounced up onto his toes, pressing a kiss against Gabriel's cheek.

  “I love it! This is going to be so awesome, thank you for thinking of this, Gabriel!”

  They spent hours going through the exhibit, stopping at a café cart for lunch. Gabriel bought a bottle of wine, casting a wink in Joel's direction. They had lunch in the central garden, even though you weren’t supposed to take alcohol down there. Gabriel poured Joel a glass, and they drank it in conspiratorial silence. Sitting in the garden with Gabriel, Joel was more at peace with himself than he had been in years.

  Joel sensed that even though Gabriel didn't know him well, he liked him for who he truly was. Not only who Joel was as a person now, but also who he could be. Gabriel didn’t complain about Joel's torn-up shoes or wrinkled shirt, and he didn’t treat Joel like he was a lesser person, even though he was so much younger. Joel was comfortable with Gabriel, and more importantly, he felt safe. It was as if he could be a better version of himself when he was with Gabriel, and he couldn’t wait to find out what that Joel would be like.