His Kind of Love

by Kate Hawthorne

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Joel Uses All of the Dish Soap

  Two weeks later

  Joel tugged a strand of hair down across his forehead, over his eyes, then released it. He repeated the motion until his vision was obscured completely, then he pushed it off his face and started over again. His left eye was obscured when the bells over the door of Bound to Please chimed, alerting him to a customer. He didn’t bother to move from behind the register.

  “Hey, Joel.” It was Donny, walking up slowly, shoulders hunched before he unzipped his cat hair covered hoodie, tossing it over his shoulder and away from them. Joel nodded in greeting, and heard the follow-up chime and tell-tale click clack of high heels as Athena found her way in.

  “Parking was a bitch! Hi, Baby J.” She leaned over the counter, swiping his hair off his face, and kissed his forehead. He offered her the same nod he’d given Donny. “Still sulking?” she pushed, and again, he gave her the same nod.

  Three nights ago, Joel had finally been let back into his apartment. The carpet and drywall had been replaced, making the house reek of new construction. He’d stayed up half the night, going through his small pile of belongings on his bed, discarding books and records that were water damaged beyond saving. Three weeks ago, he would have been sad over the loss of his prized belongings, but now he found it hard to care about the legacy of other people's things. His favorite Bible had dried out, the pages brittle, but not cracking. It would be salvageable, and a constant reminder of Gabriel. What no one knew, though, was that he carried it with him now, stowed in his messenger bag. At all times it was two layers of fabric away from his skin. Joel couldn’t identify why he’d decided to carry it, but its presence offered him comfort, and that was more telling than he would ever admit to anyone out loud.

  There was another chime over the door, and then the sound of sure footsteps approaching the register. Joel, Athena, and Donny all turned their attention to the customer.

  “Davis.” Joel exhaled the name with shock.

  Davis stood there a bit awkwardly, twirling his Tesla key fob again between his fingers. “Hey, Joel.”

  Athena shifted her gaze between the two men, landing on Donny, who offered her nothing more than a shrug.

  “So, I got your text, but I wanted to make sure that you really weren’t interested in dinner. I thought maybe I could change your mind.” A hopeful grin pulled across Davis’s thin lips as he shrugged one shoulder higher than the other.

  Joel stared at him, blinking slowly. “My text?”

  “Yeah, a few weeks ago, you said you met someone and it wasn’t going to work out with me, but I was kind of hoping it didn’t work out with him.” Davis offered another boyish grin.

  Joel shot his eyes to Athena, who met his wide stare with shock of her own. She shook her head but was unable to hide the suspicious thought that crossed her mind.

  Of course Gabriel would have scared Davis off. He was Gabriel, after all. Joel's big, bad, over-protective wolf.

  No. Not mine anymore.

  Joel returned his gaze to Davis, appraising the man's pressed khaki pants and salmon-colored polo. Davis still had well-trimmed blond hair and eyes that sparkled in Joel's direction. He kept twirling that fucking key fob. Joel tried to see himself with Davis. He tried to imagine what it would be like if they had ended up at that restaurant together, sharing naan and a plate of tandoori chicken. He pictured Davis telling him a story, his charming laughter echoing around the restaurant as he asked for a story in return. Everyone in the restaurant would turn to stare at Davis, because who wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of someone as pristine and cookie-cutter perfect as he was?

  Joel didn't.

  As much as he tried to envision his future with any number of nameless, faceless men, he couldn’t do it. It always came back to Gabriel, and Joel had hoped with time this would fade, but face-to-face now with Davis, he understood that it wouldn’t. The realization settled around him in a surprisingly comfortable way, and for the first time in two weeks, Joel smiled.

  “Is that a yes?” Davis’s voice broke his trance, and Joel's smile turned apologetic.

  “I’m sorry, Davis. I don’t think it would work out between you and me.” Joel was sure of the words, even as he forced them out of his mouth. His next course of action was becoming clearer in his mind.

  “I’d go to dinner with you,” a voice from behind them said. Davis and Joel both turned toward Athena’s brother. “I’m Adonis. I go by Donny, though. I’d go to dinner with you.”

  Athena chuckled and used her shoulder to shove her brother a foot closer to Davis. Donny’s eyes were transfixed by Davis and his twirling key fob. The smile that had faltered from Davis’s face returned, turning the charm up to one hundred.

  “Adonis? It suits you.” Davis extended his hand, and Donny reached for it, shaking it in greeting. “I’d love to take you to dinner. Are you available now?”

  Donny didn’t even look surprised that his brazen invitation had worked, and he nodded as Davis pulled him in closer.

  “Then let’s go.” Davis gestured to the door, while Joel and Athena stared at their backs.

  “Use condoms!” Athena called after them. Donny turned to give her the finger, his cheeks pink and lips tipped up in a smirk.

  After Davis and Donny disappeared out the door, Joel opened his mouth to speak.

  “I know,” Athena spoke for him, kicking off her high heels. “Give me the key and I’ll close up for you, Baby J. Go get your man. I know you want to. It's written all over your face.”

  “This is insane, isn’t it?” Joel asked her, grabbing his bag and reaching inside to graze his fingers across the worn edges of the Bible.

  “Very much so, but it's a once in a lifetime thing, I think, isn't it?” she asked him in return.

  “I love him so much, Athena. I know what he did, and I love him anyway.” Joel's fingers left the Bible and started searching for his car keys. “He sees me. Really sees me, and it makes me feel like my ribcage can't contain my heart when I think about him.”

  Athena smiled reassuringly at him, holding out her hand for the store’s key. Joel spun it off the key ring and placed it in her palm. He mouthed, thank you, to her and ran from the store.

  ***

  His knocks on Gabriel's door went unanswered and panic started to curl tight in his belly. Had he taken too long to come to his senses? What if Gabriel had met someone else? God, what if they were in there together? The thought made Joel's stomach roil, and he pressed his ear to the door, listening for any sounds inside. There was no sound, even though it was almost nine in the evening and Gabriel should have been home. Unless he was on a date.

  Please, let him not be on a date.

  Joel rested his head against the front door. He supposed he could wait. Gabriel would have to come home eventually. But then Joel remembered he had a key. It would probably be an invasion of privacy, but after everything that had happened, the least Gabriel could do was allow him this one transgression.

  Joel unlocked Gabriel's door, letting himself inside the condo. It looked much as it did two weeks ago, only with less liquor in the wet bar and several dirty dishes in the sink. Joel dropped his messenger bag by the dining table as he advanced through the condo. He went to Gabriel's office, poking his head inside only to find it empty. A shattered television monitor hung in the far corner, with a swept-up pile of what looked like computer parts underneath it. The room was dark except for the city lights reflecting in from the window. Joel left the office and headed back to the other end of the condo and pushed open the door to what was his bedroom. It was also as he’d left it, the shattered turntable on the floor, records discarded carelessly, and books scattered across the floor. It looked like Gabriel hadn’t even set foot in there since the last time Joel closed the door.

  Joel crouched down, collecting all the books and carefully placing them back on the shelves. He noted, as he had before, the books were written by his favorit
e authors, and some that he had meant to read but never gotten around to. Once the books were in place, he did his best with the records, acknowledging he had damaged some beyond repair. He stacked them up against the wall, sliding the discs back into their sleeves. There was nothing to be done about the record player, so he collected the pieces in his arms, carrying it into the kitchen to dispose of it in the trash can. He stopped at his messenger bag, reaching in and digging out his Bible before returning to the bedroom. He placed it in the bookshelf alongside his favorite collection of poems.

  Joel stood, straightening his spine and taking a deep breath. He let himself be bathed in the overwhelming feeling of calm that enveloped him, standing in the place Gabriel had made for him. He hadn’t been sure how he would feel being back here, but as soon as he stepped one foot inside the door, his body relaxed with the comfort of his decision.

  Gabriel loved him differently than anyone else, differently from how someone should love another person, probably. But Joel wanted to cocoon himself inside that love and emerge as a better version of himself. He wanted to deserve the severity of Gabriel's love.

  It was almost eleven at night and Gabriel still hadn’t returned home. There was a nagging worry in Joel’s stomach that grew with every tick of the second hand on the clock above the dresser. When Joel had stayed here, Gabriel hadn’t ever been out late, and if he had been out, it was with Joel in tow. Nervous, Joel returned to the living room, found his cellphone and called Gabriel.

  It went straight to voicemail.

  Every fucking minute that went by was excruciating, and Joel thought having bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails would pain him less than not knowing where Gabriel was. He had spent the last two weeks in a flurry of emotion, and was sure he had run Athena through the wringer with his ups and downs. When he had finally gotten back into his apartment and was able to be alone with his thoughts, he’d come to the brutal realization that he missed Gabriel. The day after they had talked here at the dining room table, Joel had expected to wake up with a reassurance in his heart that leaving Gabriel was the right decision. It was probably the sane decision, but all Joel knew was that a life without Gabriel would be an empty life.

  His decision to live without Gabriel had crumbled to dust today when he’d looked at Davis. Sweet, fucking charming, and perfect on paper, Davis didn’t inspire even a fizzle of feeling inside Joel. There was a time in the very recent past when he’d been well and ready to give Davis a chance, but in the wake of Gabriel, it was pointless. No one would stir the same feelings inside of him that Gabriel did, and no one would fucking see him as clearly as Gabriel had.

  A lock of Joel's hair fell into his eye, and the fading red dye glinted in his peripheral vision. Joel squeezed his eyes closed, fearing he would be sick as the feelings of self-loathing washed over him in steady waves. He didn’t want to be the Joel everyone else saw anymore. He wanted to be the Joel that Gabriel had seen all along. Someone strong and beautiful and worthy of love.

  He kicked off his shoes and socks, then sprinted to the kitchen to grab the dish soap from the counter. He discarded his shirt in the hallway before he made it into the bathroom. He shucked his pants and briefs, turning the water on as hot as he could bear, then stepped inside with the dish soap. He poured an entire handful of it directly onto his head and furiously started to scrub at his hair. The water tinged red and washed down the drain as the abrasive lather stripped his color away. He squeezed more soap into his palm, starting a new lather, and scrubbed and scrubbed as he fell to his knees in the bathtub.

  He couldn’t be too late. He didn’t know what he would do if Gabriel walked in at two in the morning with another man on his arm. The thought of it made Joel want to vomit, and he scrubbed and lathered at his hair as the soap slid down his face and mixed with tears he didn’t even realize were falling. His own cries had become so loud and desperate he didn’t hear the door to the bathroom open, and when Gabriel pulled the shower curtain back, Joel lurched forward, making a desperate grab for Gabriel's thighs.

  “Joel?” Gabriel sounded bewildered as Joel clung to him, crying desperately.

  “You saw me, and I…please tell me I’m not too late.” Joel sucked in a soapy mouthful of air and water, desperately swiping the soap and tears from his face.

  “What on earth?” Gabriel started, and stopped, climbing into the shower fully clothed and wrapping Joel in his arms. “I’ve got you, Little Red. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” Gabriel sat down on the floor of the bathtub and held Joel while rocking him back and forth as though he was a child.

  Joel didn’t know how long Gabriel held him like that, but the water started to turn from hot to warm, and Gabriel pulled the shower nozzle down, rinsing the mountains of dish soap from his hair and quickly conditioning the strands before another rinse. Gabriel finger-combed his tangles before turning off the water. He reached out to grab a towel off the rack to wrap around Joel's shaking shoulders.

  Gabriel dried him as best he could before sliding an arm under Joel's knees, picking him up and stepping out of the tub. Standing in the doorway of the bathroom, his own clothes soaking wet, Gabriel faltered, apparently unsure where to deposit his cargo. Joel recognized the distance they were along the hallway, and he buried his face in Gabriel's shoulder. “Please, can I stay with you?” he asked, the words muffled against Gabriel's neck. Gabriel offered a nod in agreement, turning back to his own bedroom.

  He stood Joel at the foot of his bed, as he had before. This time, he dried Joel off, wiping the rivulets of water from his skin with the utmost care and attention. Once Joel was dry, Gabriel pulled back the covers, gesturing for Joel to slide in. Joel watched Gabriel watching him, and when Gabriel stepped away to go into his own en suite, Joel spoke, barely over a whisper, “Please don’t go tonight.”

  Gabriel stopped and squeezed his eyes closed in a long, slow blink before peeling his wet suit jacket from his arms and loosening his tie. Piece by piece, Gabriel stripped out of his soaking and soapy clothes before lifting the covers on the other side of the bed and sliding in.

  Joel immediately shifted toward him, burrowing into his side. “I love you, Gabriel.”

  Gabriel kissed the top of Joel's head, offering no reply.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Gabriel Finds a Use for Olive Oil

  Gabriel wasn’t sure how long he had been awake for. It was possible he’d drifted off to sleep at some point in the night before his brain violently shook his body awake, screaming, this isn’t real, don’t close your eyes or you’ll miss it.

  After spending upward of sixteen hours at the office so he wouldn’t suffocate in the silence of his condo, Gabriel had come home to find Joel huddled in the shower, and for some reason he was covered in mountains of dish soap bubbles. Gabriel had held him until both of their breaths had returned to normal and then tucked Joel into his bed, where he’d promptly fallen asleep.

  Gabriel wanted to shake him and demand answers.

  Why are you here?

  Why did you come back?

  I can’t love you like this anymore.

  It’s going to kill me.

  Joel stirred, burying his face in Gabriel's side.

  “I think we need to talk, Little Red,” Gabriel whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Joel's hair, noticing the color had faded from bright red to reveal streaks of a more natural reddish-blond color.

  “Do we have to?” Joel looked up at Gabriel with one eye that was puffy and red around the edges, but still a bright and vibrant blue. Gabriel unwrapped his limbs from Joel's small body and nodded.

  “I’m going to go make some coffee. You can meet me in the dining room.”

  Once in the kitchen, with a full pot brewing, Gabriel sat down at the dining table and waited. And waited. Joel eventually emerged from the bedroom in a pair of Gabriel's lounge pants and a white undershirt. Gabriel appraised Joel, from the way his pants slipped under Joel's heels because they were too long, to the way his undershirt hung
loose, covering the lines of Joel's chest and shoulders.

  Joel lifted his chin defiantly. “What? You have a problem with me going through your things, stalker?”

  Gabriel shook his head. “No, Little Red, quite the opposite.”

  Visibly deflating at Gabriel's acquiescence, Joel slid into a seat opposite him, immediately bringing a finger up to nervously trace the wood grain of the table. Gabriel sighed and stood up, moving into the kitchen to pour two mugs of coffee. He set one in front of Joel and took his seat again. And went back to waiting.

  Joel raised the mug to his mouth, taking a tentative sip before swallowing a mouthful and raising his eyes over the rim to assess Gabriel. He set the mug down and picked it back up, setting it down one more time before putting his hands under his thighs and forcing his eyes to meet Gabriel's intense stare.

  “I want the things we talked about before,” Joel finally said, voice barely above a whisper.

  “What things, Joel?” Gabriel's voice cracked.

  Joel had walked out on him two weeks ago without so much as a goodbye and Gabriel, more than once, had worried he would lose his fucking mind. He had spent the past year following Joel so closely that to cut himself off cold turkey the way he did was a shock to his system. But after having Joel in his house, in his bed, Gabriel couldn’t go back to watching him from afar. Worse than the pain in his own heart, he was acutely aware of how he’d hurt Joel, and he’d sworn to himself that he would give Joel the distance he’d silently requested with his tearful departure. Gabriel would wake at night, covered in cold sweat, wanting to go check and see where Joel was, to make sure he was safe, but Gabriel forced himself not to do it. Instead, he lay awake, his thoughts running wild.

  The idea of Joel out with other men infuriated Gabriel beyond words, but those fantasies simultaneously aroused him to the point of pain. He would squeeze his eyes shut and imagine another man holding the door open for Joel at a restaurant, and then he would think about breaking the other man's hand. He would picture Joel lying back on someone else's duvet as a faceless figure pressed kisses to the soft arches of Joel's feet, and Gabriel would imagine breaking the man’s jaw before pinning Joel down, rutting into him with no lube, fucking him into submission while reminding him no one would ever love him the way he did. By this point in the fantasies, Gabriel was always painfully hard, throbbing and pulsing, so he would jack himself off with no lube, imagining the tight squeeze of Joel's ass, until he painfully came all over himself. Then he would open his eyes and realize he was still utterly alone.