Unlovable

by Charity Parkerson

  “See you, sexy.”

  “You too,” Rylan said before disconnecting their call. He spotted his luggage as he stuffed his phone in his pocket. Rylan rushed to grab it before it got away.

  A hand covered his as he pulled the suitcase from the carousal. “Let me help you with that.” Rylan glanced over. The guy who’d been checking him out earlier helped him drag his luggage off the moving platform before it got away.

  “Thanks,” Rylan muttered. Discomfort owned him.

  With the suitcase safely on the ground, the man held his hand out for Rylan to shake. “Dave.”

  “Taken,” Rylan said, turning his back on the man and walking away.

  “He’s a lucky guy,” Dave called at his back.

  Despite his irritation, Rylan smirked. “I know.”

  The fifteen minutes it took him to get to Gentleman Joe’s felt closer to two hours. The five cars in the lot made it easy for Rylan to spot Tim’s truck. He parked next to the black Dodge and headed for the door. The parking lot needed better lighting. It was too quiet and dark. His every footstep reverberated off the pavement and building, sounding like more than one person walked through the lot. Twice Rylan stopped, checking behind him. He wasn’t usually paranoid. Tonight, everything felt off.

  Thankfully, the moment he cleared the door, Rylan spotted Tim. Everything disappeared at the first sight of his wide frame. He wore a suit, letting Rylan know that not only had Tim worked today, he hadn’t had time to go home yet. The idea of Tim being too excited to wait until after he’d changed to see Rylan made him smile. Tim stood the moment Rylan cleared the door, as if he’d been watching and waiting. It took every ounce of Rylan’s control not to run into the man’s arms. He measured every step. By the time he reached Tim’s side, Rylan’s smile felt huge.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” Rylan said as Tim engulfed him in his arms. His eyes fell closed as Tim’s chest pressed against his face. He inhaled the man’s scent.

  Tim kissed the top of his head. “Hey, sexy. How was your trip?”

  Rylan tilted his chin back and waited for Tim’s kiss. When the man’s lips touched his, Rylan would’ve melted to the floor if not for Tim’s arms wrapped around him. He hadn’t known it was possible to miss a person so much. Since they’d been spending every waking moment together in the past few months, one week had felt like an eternity. Tim’s lips tasted like happiness. He hated to pull away, but they were in public.

  “It was long as hell,” Rylan admitted before claiming the seat across from Tim’s.

  Tim sat too. He reached for Rylan’s hand the moment he was settled. “I didn’t think it would ever end,” Tim said, sounding as desperate as Rylan felt. His thumb brushed over Rylan’s knuckles. “I guess it’s ridiculous I can’t let you out of my sight for a few days.”

  “No more so than me not wanting to be without you.”

  Two drinks arrived. Tim winked. “I ordered something strong for you like you asked.”

  Rylan eyed the shot glass filled with amber-colored liquor. “Awww, you’re always so good to me,” Rylan cooed.

  Tim picked up his glass and swirled the dark liquid inside. “While waiting for you, I’ve been thinking. Actually, I’ve had this thought for a while now. I fucking hate being away from you. We should move in together.”

  Tim dropped the words so easily, as if he didn’t have a single doubt. Rylan’s throat tightened. He’d never wanted anything more, but that meant Tim tying his life to Rylan’s—the bad and the ugly. And the parts he didn’t know. “You want to live with me? Why?”

  Tim’s crooked smile had Rylan wishing he could say yes. “What I want is to marry you, but I don’t think there’s any chance in hell of you agreeing to that.”

  The instant longing that hit Rylan nearly crippled him with pain. “You want to marry me?”

  “Of course,” Tim said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. “I love you. When I go home without you, it feels wrong. I’m pretty sure I just belong to you now.”

  It was wrong for someone so amazing to love him. If Tim knew anything about him and still wanted to be with him, Rylan would marry the man in a heartbeat. But Tim was in the dark about all the things that mattered most, and if he wasn’t, he’d hate Rylan. He’d see Rylan for the selfish monster he truly was. His barely suppressed self-hatred rose to the surface and sent his blood pressure through the roof. “You don’t even know me,” Rylan said, hearing the desperation in his voice. Someone as amazing as Tim couldn’t be tied to someone like Rylan for the rest of his life. It wasn’t right. Rylan had been okay, as long as they were only dating. Dating meant Tim had an out. Living together. Marriage. Those things felt permanent.

  “I know you,” Tim shot back. “I know all I need to know.”

  A snort that sounded ugly, even to his ears, left Rylan. He tossed back the shot sitting in front of him before slamming the glass down in front of Tim. “You can fit what you know about me in this shot glass, because that’s all I give of myself to anyone.” He hated the nasty note to his voice, but he had to save Tim from himself.

  “Don’t give me that shit,” Tim said, his tone turning as ugly as Rylan’s and proving how angry he’d become. “You care about me. I know you do.”

  He couldn’t lie and say he didn’t, so Rylan attacked from a different angle. “If you were really the Rylan Santos expert in the room, you’d be tossing that drink you’re holding in my face, not asking me to spend my life with you.”

  Tim scrubbed his hands through his hair like he might snap. A growl escaped him. “Stop pretending to be this unfeeling person. I thought we’d moved past all that. Just because we don’t talk about our pasts doesn’t mean I don’t understand you. Look, I get why you’re doing this. I know what that Edward Yearly guy did to you, but you can’t let him steal something beautiful—”

  Rylan slammed his hand down on the table, cutting Tim off, and making their glasses rattle. When he spoke, he sounded deadly, even to him. “I don’t know where you heard that name, but don’t you ever say it to me again. You don’t know shit.”

  Tim straightened in his seat and held Rylan’s stare. “After you trashed your living room, I hit redial on your phone and talked to your advocate in Washington. She said Ed—she said, sometimes it was hard for rape victims to hear of their attacker’s release, even after fifteen years.”

  Rylan ran his tongue over his teeth. “Is that so?” Even Rylan heard the deadly note to his voice. Tim had talked to his advocate. He couldn’t fucking believe it.

  “That’s all I asked,” Tim added, as if recognizing he was on thin ice. “I didn’t dig for more.”

  An evil smirk pulled at Rylan’s lips. A red haze coated his vision. “I guess I know now why you pulled a one-eighty on me that day and decided to be nice to me. It was pity.” Rylan stood, because if he stayed, he was scared of what he might do or say.

  “I’m nice to you because I love you. What kind of person do you think I am that I’d have to learn something horrible happened to you to feel something for you? I’ve felt way more than I should since the first time we kissed.”

  Rylan’s nose stung and his eyes burned. Tim was such a good man. For the first time in years, he wished he was a good man too. He craved being worthy of someone. But Tim deserved the truth, and once he had it, he wouldn’t feel the same. “Eddie didn’t rape me. Since he was over twenty-one and I was sixteen, the court tacked on a first-degree sexual misconduct charge to his case to keep him in prison as long as possible after…” The bitter smile tugging at Rylan’s lips matched the lingering taint in his heart. He couldn’t say the words. Rylan didn’t know if it was cowardice, or if he simply knew one chip in his armor would bring down his whole damn world. “You don’t know me, Tim. No one does.” He walked away, leaving Tim behind, because he couldn’t watch Tim’s love turn to hate. Rylan hated himself enough for everyone.

  Tim didn’t watch Rylan go. He couldn’t. It wasn’t the shock over the man’s confession, keeping his gaze
locked on his drink; it was the pain in his chest. A part of him realized he should’ve seen this coming. Being with Rylan was always the same—Tim spent all his time searching for a way to hang on to what they had, while Rylan looked for any excuse to let go. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to deal with this. Rylan was hiding something from him. Whatever it was, it was bad. Tim felt it in his bones. Rylan would never understand how much it mattered to Tim when Rylan hurt. He needed the man’s happiness, but Tim couldn’t give Rylan love the man didn’t want.

  “We need to talk.”

  Tim’s head shot up when the stranger claimed the chair across from him. He eyed the large-framed man. His choppy red hair stood in every direction, as if he’d been running his fingers through it all night. The man’s light green gaze seemed somewhat crazed—like he’d drunk all the alcohol.

  “About?” Tim asked, dragging out the word.

  “You seem like a nice guy—like you care.”

  “Uh-huh,” Tim said, hearing the confusion in his own voice. This was why he hated drunks.

  “The thing is, Bryan isn’t your concern. He’s mine. You should really find your own man before this one gets you hurt.”

  Tim’s eyebrows rose. Yeah, he fucking hated people once they’d consumed more than their fair share. “Being as how I don’t even know Bryan, I think you’re good. But, FYI, guys hate jealous men. It’s a huge turn off.” As well as drinking too much, but Tim could only tackle one issue at a time.

  A line appeared between the dude’s eyebrows. He scratched at the ginger scruff on his jaw. “So you don’t know him?”

  Tim smiled. He couldn’t help it. This was the strangest conversation he’d had in a long time. “Nope. Sorry to disappoint you, but good luck with him,” Tim said, slipping from his chair. He needed to get home and figure out what to do next. His heart hurt and he was angry. Mostly, Tim just wanted to go to bed with Rylan and hold him. Why had he fallen in love with someone who made everything hard? Not just his dick. Tim didn’t wait around to hear any more crazy talk from the local drunkard. He headed for the door without looking back. Maybe he should text Rylan. If Rylan wasn’t ready to move in together, that was fine. Tim just wanted as much of Rylan as Rylan would let him have. Plus, fuck, he hated that Rylan had problems he wouldn’t confide in him. It had taken pissing the dude off to get anywhere. It was like they couldn’t have normal conversations where they told all their secrets to each other and supported each other. Tim had never met anyone else who made him want to settle down as equally as he made Tim want to throttle him. He didn’t know how to make Rylan understand that he was different from any other man in the world.

  Tim’s feet slowed as his truck came into view. Rylan leaned against the driver’s side door with his ankles crossed and his arms crossed over his chest. He looked up at Tim’s approach. The man’s sexy mouth lifted in one corner. “So, it turns out I’m not very good at walking away from you,” Rylan said as way of greeting. Tim stopped a few feet shy of Rylan, and Rylan straightened away from the truck. “I made it as far as my car,” Rylan admitted.

  “What happened at your car?”

  Rylan shook his head. His shoulders lifted in a slight shrug. “I had this overwhelming feeling I was forgetting something, and then I realized I left my heart behind.” Rylan pressed his lips together, but he still tried smiling, as if he was torn between happiness and pain. He visibly took a deep breath. “My head gets in the way and takes control of my mouth, but you’re my soul’s dream come true. This will probably happen again, because I let something ugly inside me once. It messed me up and stole everything from me, but I promise I’ll never make it very far away from you.” Rylan shook his head, looking—for the first time ever—like he might cry. “How could you possibly love me or want to move in with me?”

  Tim took off his jacket and draped it over Rylan’s shoulders, swallowing the man inside the material before urging Rylan’s arms through the holes. It was cold and he needed to keep Rylan safe. Tim crowded Rylan against the truck. “Fuck, how could I not love you? I’m pretty sure I’m in the wrong tonight to some degree, but here you are, waiting for me anyhow. You’re so goddamn easy to love. The world should be jealous.” Rylan’s smile made everything else disappear. Their argument was already all but forgotten. Tim dipped his head and captured those upturned lips. He loved the taste of Rylan’s smiles.

  Something cool pressed against Tim’s throat, urging him away from Rylan. “Get your hands off him.”

  Rylan transformed before Tim’s eyes. He’d seen the man in every possible mood, except this one—completely terrified. His face went pale. Horror sounded heavy in Rylan’s tone. “No.”

  Tim’s confusion cost him precious moments. A sharp pain sliced across his throat. Tim realized it was a knife against his skin, cutting into him. It wasn’t deep enough to do permanent damage, but enough to let Tim know the dude wasn’t playing.

  “Get the fuck away from him,” the gruff voice repeated.

  His training kicked in. Tim reached for his gun. It wasn’t there. Fuck. He’d forgotten that he locked it up in his truck, since he couldn’t take it inside the bar. With no other option, he’d have to comply and wait for his chance to diffuse the situation.

  Tim put his hands up, showing his surrender. “My wallet is in my truck. You’ll have to back up if you want me to get it.”

  “What?” Tim’s mugger sounded confused. “I don’t want your money. Get away from what’s mine.”

  “Eddie, no.”

  At Rylan’s plea, the knife slackened a hair. Tim’s rage spiked. This was Eddie? As in Edward Yearly? He hated this disadvantage. He would kill the man.

  “Hey, Bryan. How you been, baby?”

  Recognition hit. It was the crazy dude from the bar. There was so much pain and longing in the man’s voice—like a wounded animal, making him twice as dangerous. Why did he keep calling Rylan Bryan?

  Rylan took a step forward. His gaze stayed locked over Tim’s shoulder. “Please, Eddie.” Before Tim could guess at Rylan’s actions, he grabbed the blade of Eddie’s knife, creating a buffer between the blade and Tim’s skin. Something warm ran down Tim’s chest. “No more.”

  The air shifted. The scent of Eddie’s desperation tinted the air along with a copper tang. “You’re not supposed to bleed, baby. Not ever. I’d never hurt you.”

  Tim didn’t know what to do. It was Rylan’s blood that flowed freely down Tim’s chest. Rylan kept his hands between the knife and Tim’s throat. If Tim tried taking charge, Rylan might get hurt worse. His heartbeat pounded in his ears. He was supposed to be the protector. Rylan’s face was so damn pale. Oddly, Tim wasn’t scared for himself. It was Rylan’s fear that fed his own.

  “I know, Eddie, but you have to stop. This is hurting me.”

  Eddie’s voice hardened. “In court, they said I’d forced myself on you—I’d used my power over you to coerce you. Why did you let them say that?”

  Rylan took a breath. It sounded ragged. “It’s was court. I didn’t let them do anything. No one asked me for permission.”

  The knife slackened even more. If Rylan would just let go, Tim could take control. Rylan didn’t move.

  “You didn’t wait for me.”

  “What did you think would happen?” Rylan asked, keeping his voice pitched low, as if he expected the worst.

  The knife moved closer to Tim’s skin, making Rylan wince as it cut deeper into his hands. Still, he didn’t release the blade.

  “Let go, Bryan. I know I fucked up and you’re mad, but you’re still mine. I can make things better. But this guy shouldn’t be touching you. Once he’s gone, we can disappear. Be together. No one could love you like I do. Don’t make me hurt you like this.”

  “Ry.”

  At Tim’s whisper, Rylan’s gaze shifted his way. Tim held his stare, trying to make him understand he had a plan. “Let go.” Rylan searched his gaze before dipping his chin slightly and releasing the blade. The instant Rylan wasn’t in
danger of getting hurt, Tim struck. He threw his head back as hard as he could, cracking the man across the nose. Without giving Eddie time to recover, he spun in the man’s hold and took aim at the man’s ribs. Eddie stumbled back but not far enough. He struck out with the knife. Tunnel vision set in. All Tim heard and saw was Eddie. He would die before he let this bastard touch Rylan. The blade sank into his flesh, but Tim didn’t feel a thing. The adrenaline pumping through his veins kept him on his feet.

  They were evenly matched in height and size, but the dude had crazy on his side. Someone with nothing to lose was always stronger than someone with everything on the line. They struggled for control of the knife. Tim wasn’t losing. He couldn’t. Rylan was everything. He wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

  “Drop the knife, Eddie.”

  The whole world went still. Tim’s eyes focused on the gun pressed against Eddie’s temple. It looked familiar.

  “I said, drop the knife,” Rylan repeated.

  Eddie released Tim and held his hands up, showing his surrender, but he didn’t let go of the knife. Tim could jump him—take him to the ground. He had the advantage. Rylan’s expression held him in check. He looked cold and distant—like a stranger.

  “You’re still holding the knife, Eddie.”

  A sweet smile touched Eddie’s lips, turning Tim’s stomach. It was the most innocent expression Tim had ever seen. Chills broke out over Tim’s body. This man, he was sick and evil. Tim felt it in his bones.

  “I always knew loving you would kill me, baby. Pull the trigger,” Eddie said before lunging at Tim with the blade. A loud pop cut through the silence of the night. Something warm splashed Tim’s skin. Blue flashes blinded Tim. A fog coated everything—his hearing and vision. Everything went black.

  9

  Fluorescent lights lined the ceiling. Tim blinked at them, trying to place where he’d seen them before. Neither his apartment, work, nor Rylan’s house had such awful ceilings. He squeezed his eyes shut and reopened them, hoping the scenery would change. Everything was the same.