Mostly Autobiographical

by Rob Gunther

  So I got there and there was a ton of people. I was worried Andre wasn’t going to see me. Because, come on, I’m not wasting a whole night at a funeral home for some lady that I’ve never met if Andre’s not going to know that I’m there, that I’m there for him. So I tried to grab his attention while I was in line to view the casket.

  I was like, “Hey! Andre! Hey!” and he looked over and kind of lifted his head in recognition, and so I thought, OK, he saw me, but then right after I stepped out of line to go over and say hi, some lady walked right up to him and they shared this long, slow hug. Was he looking at me before? I’d thought so. Unless he was playing games with me. But I’d let this one slide, this was his night. Whatever makes him feel better, whatever lets him cope.

  So I tried to get back in line, but some other lady started giving me a hard time. “Listen, lady.” I was getting really kind of annoyed here. “This isn’t the line for a roller coaster. I was waiting right here, and I thought Andre was calling me over.” And she didn’t even respond. She just looked at me all offended, like I was the one causing the scene. So I just kept going, “Relax, all right? There’s going to be plenty of time to kneel down in front of that box.”

  Still, no response. So I looked to the guy behind her, clearly eavesdropping on the whole interaction. I shook my head in disapproval, like, can you believe this lady? But right after I made eye contact with him, he looked away, like now he wanted nothing to do with any of this. So I said to him, “What, so now you’re not interested? Don’t tell me you weren’t paying attention before.”

  And then that guy and the lady behind me, they kind of looked at each other, like it’s me, like I was the problem here. So I looked at both of them and said, “Fine, here you go. Please. I insist. Happy?” and I walked out of line and went to the back. No way would I have been able to stand there without getting into it. And like I said before, this wasn’t about me, it wasn’t about the line. It was about Andre. It was about his dead grandma.

  Still, as I stood there at the back of the line, I couldn’t stop thinking about those two people. Were they whispering to each other? Come on, all I did was get out of the line for a second. What is this, a bakery? No, not a bakery. Bakeries give you those numbers. That probably wouldn’t work out too well at a wake.

  The lady in front of me at the back of the line was sobbing, really heavy sobbing. At one point she looked to me, like she wanted to maybe start a conversation or put her head on my shoulder. But I wasn’t really feeling it, so I took out my cell phone to kill some time.

  Finally, I was at the box. I knelt down. I thought, how long do I have to kneel down here for? What am I supposed to be doing? I counted to thirty and then got up. I said hi to Andre’s mom. And then Andre.

  “Sorry for your loss.”

  “What were you praying about?”

  “Right now? Just then?”

  “Yeah, what did you pray for?”

  “Uh, you know, I just prayed that she’s in heaven, that …”

  “Of course she’s in heaven. She doesn’t need you to pray for that.”

  “Right, right. I just mean that, I hope that she’s happy in heaven.”

  “Of course she’s happy. She’s with my grandfather. What’s wrong with you? By the way, real classy of you, getting in a fight with my aunt and using your cell phone at a funeral home.”

  So he was calling out to me before, trying to get me out of the line. Wasn’t he?

  “Listen, Andre, I’m trying to be the bigger person here. Is this some sort of a coping mechanism? Because if that’s the reason, fine, I’ll get past it.”

  “It’s not a coping mechanism. I saw you on your phone. You should be a little more respectful.”

  “Respectful? Who says you can’t you use a cell phone at a funeral home? It was on silent. I wasn’t talking. Look, you’re aunt’s using hers right now.”

  “She’s in mourning! She’s allowed to!”

  “Well, I’m in mourning too. Why do you think I’m here in the first place?”

  “You’re not in mourning. You’re just an asshole.”

  And so I got really pissed off, and I made a move like I was going to push him, but I stopped myself. I remembered where we were. I saw his mom standing right next to him. Still, it must have been convincing enough, because he jumped back a little and bumped into some flowers and they all fell over. And I looked around and everybody was just looking at each other, looking down at the floor, trying not to be a part of any of this all the while shaking their heads in unanimous disapproval.

  Cheer up!

  Cheer up! Things will get better. Life can’t be that bad. Money problems? Money’s only paper. Paper grows on trees. Don’t let yourself get too down because of a tree. Besides, it’s just numbers. When you look at the whole thing, it might seem unmanageable. But try breaking it up into chunks, and just concentrate on one chunk at a time. How much? Jeez. Well, maybe try breaking up the chunks into smaller chunks and … but yeah, that is a lot of money.

  Maybe try calling up one of those debt management companies? I think your credit gets wiped out, like you have to start over from scratch, but it might be better than trying to pay off that much … how much again? Yikes. Maybe, like, one of those structured bankruptcies? You just have to collect all your bills and get them all in one spot.

  No, you’re right, I don’t think debt companies can do much to help you if you owe cash. Maybe … can you work something out with … what was his name again? Joey? You think Joey’s really going to break your thumbs? It just seems a little cliché is all. I’m not saying he’s not threatening you, and I’m not saying not to take those threats seriously, it’s just, thumbs? Isn’t that from Rocky? And how are you supposed to get any of the money together if your thumbs are broken? Yeah, it might not directly get in your way, but it’s not going to make anything any easier. Plus, all the added worry and the hospital bills.

  Holy shit. I never really thought about how difficult day-to-day life must be without use of your thumbs. Both thumbs. You know, they always say that’s what separates us from the animals, right? The whole opposable thumbs business. So you can’t pick anything up? And going to the bathroom, that’s got to be a nightmare. Washing your hands. Unlocking the front door.

  No, why would he do that to you? Yeah, yeah, it is a lot of money, which only serves my argument that if he really wants to see any of that money repaid, ever, he’s got to think of a more practical threat than a couple of broken thumbs. At that point it just seems personal, like I don’t really care about the money at all. Like I only lent you that money, and such a large sum of it, hoping that you wouldn’t be able to repay it all, actually, knowing you weren’t good for it, just so I can then start calling you up in the middle of the night, leaving you threatening messages about breaking your thumbs, and then finally, finally doing the deed, but really enjoying it, way too much. And there are two of them. Two thumbs to break. So you can dive right into the first one, the visceral act of breaking the bone, and then really savor the second thumb, taking your time with it.

  He really said that? Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know man, this seems pretty fucked up. What would make you think it would be a good idea to accept that big of a loan from a guy like this? How did you find him? Did the people that referred you mention anything about the broken thumbs?

  I mean, still, I guess, cheer up? Can you go to the cops maybe? Maybe like a witness protection program? This is a little beyond my range of advice, you know. I’m usually the guy you turn to when you’ve got a big project due at work tomorrow, something you haven’t started yet, and you come to me all stressed out and I’ll be like, “Hey man, cheer up! You can do it! Just divide your task up into smaller tasks!” like all that stuff I was saying to you earlier. And then maybe I’d get you a cup of coffee or something.

  But this? Man, this sounds pretty serious. I don’t have any generic sounding advice for this. And no, I don’t even have close to the amount of
money to give you to avoid this guy. Maybe you could break them first? So that way when this Joey guy comes looking for you, he won’t have anything to break? But then you’d have all of the difficulties of living life with, for all practical purposes here, no hands.

  Man. I guess “cheer up” is still the best I can do. It’s not great advice, but it’s not nothing. Would you rather have nothing? Because I can give you nothing. Cheer up or nothing. You choose.

  Hey neighbor

  Sorry I let all of those Jehovah’s Witnesses into the building. I’ve never seen them around here before. I just assumed one of the neighbors was throwing a party. Everybody was so well dressed. And smiling, and friendly. Who would turn them away? Whatever, they left eventually, right? No? Well, there are a lot of them. Had to be like fifteen people. They’ll get hungry, eventually. Just don’t give them any food.

  Yeah, I’m sorry I left the shower running. I was doing that whole steam iron trick. You ever hear of it? No, it didn’t really work. I mean, it was a little less wrinkly, but definitely not what I would call pressed. And I didn’t even get to wear the shirt, if it’s any consolation, it was too damp and too cold outside. No, I don’t see how that would be much consolation at all. Did the water do much damage? Yes? Well, that’s what we have security deposits for, right? Haha. I’m just joking, trying to lighten things up here. But seriously, can we maybe leave me out of this when you talk to the super? Just tell him the pipe’s broken or something.

  What banging around? What time? Ten? Oh, my workout videos. You can hear that? Is it really loud? Jeez, I’m sorry. Maybe I should get a carpet or something. You could always come upstairs and we could do the workout videos together. No? Well, open invitation. I sweat a lot though. It’s really weird. It’s like, I’ll pop the DVD in and I’m already breaking out in light perspiration, just anticipating the moving around. You ever hear of plyometric training?

  I thought I gave you your drill back months ago. I didn’t? Are you positive? I remember going to Ikea. Yeah, I borrowed the drill but I don’t even think I used it, because they just give you those little wrenches with the furniture. You sure I didn’t give it back? Well, it’s not here. I could look. I actually haven’t looked yet. I’ll look. It’s got to be around here somewhere. What was it, a drill, right? What color?

  OK, bad news, no drill. What about next door, did you ask them? Well, it’s just that they’re always asking me to borrow stuff and, I don’t know, maybe I gave them your drill. Yeah, they did move out a couple of months ago. Man, that’s embarrassing. Can I just buy you a new one? Three hundred dollars for a drill? OK, well, I have a couple of ideas here. Either I can give you a lump sum, right now, cash, but it’s going to be significantly less than three hundred dollars. Or, I can pay you five dollars now, and any time you need five dollars, just let me know, door’s always open, and, you know, I’m sure everything will even out over time. It’s like buying drinks, right? I’ll get this round, you get the next round. Lump sum?

  Look, if you need anything drilled, and I know this isn’t the ideal situation, not until we get you a new one, but I’m actually really good at drilling things without a drill. I can just press really hard against the wall with a screw and a screwdriver, and I can slowly get it in there. I’m like a human drill. Just much slower. Do you have a hammer? No, I just realized that I wanted to hang up some pictures, but I can’t find my drill anywhere. Do you have any nails?

  What if I do the workout videos earlier? What if I take off my boots?

  Oh yeah, and sorry about the fire escape. What fire escape? I mean, yeah, what fire escape? I didn’t say anything about the fire escape. What? No you don’t have to check it out. Yeah, why would anybody be out on the fire escape? Forget I said anything.

  Honestly, there’s nothing I can do about the phone alarm. It’s the only thing that wakes me up. And yeah, I need like three of them, because I always just shut them off in my sleep after twenty minutes. Just, you should be up by then, so I don’t see the big deal. But that’s kind of a non-negotiable. Everybody’s got to get up in the morning.

  Well, look, it’s easy, just take their literature, tell them you’re really interested but that you’ve got to go, and then tell them to go downstairs, that the tenant right below is leading a really sinful lifestyle. Then lock the door and don’t answer anymore. That got rid of them for me. It’s almost three. They’ve got to eat dinner eventually. In the meantime, you want to hear more about my workout videos? This one’s all about isotropic stretching. Oh duh, your drill’s right there. I just … I’m sure the drill bits are around somewhere. I don’t think I would give just those to the guy next door. Bet you wish you took that lump sum while you had the chance, right?

  Please hold

  I’m kind of pressed for time here. We’ll probably have to cancel our lunch date. How about meeting up for a cup of coffee? But the lines. I don’t know. How about we just meet up at the coffee place? We’ll shake hands, I’ll say hello, you’ll say, “It’s been great seeing you,” and that’ll probably be it. I’m swamped. Barely treading water here. Great. Bye.

  Cancel my two o’clock. Push my one thirty to two o’clock. Then cancel that two o’clock also. Actually, scratch that. Everything. Scratch everything. Let’s start over. Hold all my calls. Answer them, but put them on hold. Let everybody wait it out for a couple of minutes, then get back on the line, say, “I’m sorry, but he’s extremely busy right now. In fact, if you could get off this line immediately, we’d be really appreciative, he’d be really appreciative, the phone company would be oh so grateful, all of these calls, hogging network bandwidth. Did you hang up yet? Just hang up. You don’t have to wait for me to finish my sentence. It’s nothing important.”

  Jesus, I’m in way over my head. I need a break. Just a quick twenty-five second break. How do you set the alarm on this phone? No, never mind, I can figure it out myself. Is this the correct time? Well how does the phone know to automatically correct itself for Daylight Savings Time? Christ, I’ve gone and wasted my whole break. Well at least I won’t have to figure out how to rig a five-second snooze button.

  All right, back to work. Where are those forms that I needed to sign? How good is your signature? That’s actually a pretty nice signature. Change of plans, you sign all of the forms, and I’ll take over on phone duty for a while.

  Hello? Yes. No, I’m afraid he’s entirely too busy right now. Yes I have been told that I sound almost exactly like him, but no, it’s purely coincidence. I’m sorry, but he’s still very, very busy. No, I’m sure that what you have to say is extremely important. But there are a lot of people waiting … please hold.

  How are those forms coming along? What? No, not with your name, with my name. This is ridiculous. I was commenting on your penmanship, not on your name. All right, let’s do another switch. I’ll finish the papers, you man the phones. Oh, but listen, line three is pretty convinced my assistant sounds exactly like me. Do you think you can pull that off? Terrific.

  Did you see my pen? No, I don’t like those pens you use. What are those, the gel pens? No, there are always too many clumps of ink that escape the tip periodically, and then it smears. It’s a big mess. No, not as big as you putting your name all over my forms. Hold on, that’s my cell.

  Hello? No, I’m really not interested in taking a survey right now. Well, it’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just that I really don’t have any time here. Well, yes, well … listen, hold on one second.

  OK, new plan, I’ll take over the phones again – is line three still there? – you take my cell phone. How’s your me impression coming along? I want you to take this survey. I don’t know, something municipal, something about civics. You know how I’d answer, right? Great, at the same time I want you to keep signing these forms. But remember, my name, your handwriting.

  Hello? You’re still there? No, I’m afraid he’s even busier than he was before. If I had to guess I’d say six hours. Seven hours. Six. I’ll say six hours. You’ll w
ait? No, that’s crazy. Just call back. I’ll have him call you back.

  Hello? Yes this is Mr… . I mean, no this isn’t Mr… . I mean, shit, I answered the phone the wrong way. Enough with the survey. Get on line four and tell them I’m out to lunch, that you answered the phone in my voice and accidentally said that this is and then that this isn’t. Great? Great. I’ll be in my office. Hold all calls for the next forty-five seconds. I’ve just got to clear my head here. No, starting now.

  Five-year plan

  I went on this job interview, and the woman interviewing me asked, “Rob, where do you see yourself in five years?”

  I didn’t know what to say. So I spent twenty five percent of my mental energy trying to look natural while I challenged the other seventy five percent to try and think up a decent answer. My thought process went like this:

  Five years, huh? Well, right now I’m at this interview. OK, so after this I’m probably going to be pretty hungry, hungrier even, because I’m already kind of hungry right now. Going in for a job interview is so stressful. I didn’t want to spill anything on my shirt and tie so I skipped breakfast and just grabbed a banana. But that didn’t do anything. So lunch, yeah, I think there’s a cool empanada place by here. If I get this job, how often am I going to be eating empanadas? I should probably try to limit myself, once a week, twice, tops. Empanadas are delicious, but healthy? Not really. A lot of dough, butter. And it’s not like I’m going to choose the healthy vegetable option every time, probably not even ever. I hope they have a sausage empanada. Or a breakfast empanada. I hope they still have breakfast empanadas when I’m done with this interview.

  Then I’ll probably go home. Jesus, I’ve got to speed up this thought process. How long did it take me to think through the whole empanada thing? Is she still looking at me? Am I looking like I’m naturally thinking intently about her question? Because five years from now, that’s what I’ve got to be answering, and I haven’t even gotten through the rest of today. Maybe if I raise my finger slightly in the air and then open my mouth like I’m about to say something, and then close my mouth and make an even more pensive expression, like five years is a serious thing to think about, and so, yeah, I’ll bring that finger down from the air and bring it to my temple, like I’m really, really thinking, and that should buy me enough time to figure out the next five years.