Survivor (The Soul Mates Series Book 1)

by Victoria Johns

  It turns out it was good for me, the hours were a little bit erratic, but it forced me to become more sociable. Even I could see I was becoming a grumpy twat and it meant that I got to utilize the skills I’d given years of my life obtaining.

  Until something better happened, I was going to stick with it and in all honesty I knew my old man loved having me around. We were all we both had left now.

  I became a fan of the one night stands and random hook ups, they actually taught me a lot. I learned that going through the motions to get my rocks off helped keep my heart under lock and key, but I was careful to cut them off before they could bloom any further. I wasn’t entirely convinced I’d sorted my head out after last time and until I was certain, it was safer for my mental state if I just didn’t go there.

  “Going home for lunch Betsy,” I told my station administrator as I passed the front desk.

  “Sure thing boss man, later.”

  I lunched with dad most days, it was a routine we’d fallen into. It wasn’t like either of us had anything better to do and it made him laugh to hear me bitch about the ridiculous antics some of his pals seemed to enjoy getting into.

  The gate to the junk yard was open and a sparkly new rental was parked by the back door. Midday guests, that’s new. I walked through the door and heard chairs scraping across the floor quickly, “Sorry, I’ll go,” I heard from a female voice that stopped me in my tracks.

  I knew that voice. I heard it in my dreams or nightmares as they usually were. This had to be wrong and some kind of sick joke, but I got there just as the female was about to bolt through the back door.

  “Stop,” I commanded. The woman in question did, her back was ram rod straight and she was wearing jeans and a button down blouse. Her thick brown hair was long with blonde streaks in it and it hung just past her shoulders.

  “Son,” my dad said with caution as he began to walk in my direction.

  “Turn around,” I demanded. I wouldn’t know if I was seeing things or imagining this until I could see the face attached to the body. I needed confirmation that my dad’s visitor was someone else.

  “Son, listen…” he began again.

  “Turn the fuck around now!” I boomed, completely ignoring him. I watched her flex her fingers in contemplation. I knew those fingers, I’d watched every dainty inch of them wrap around my cock and give me pleasure and satisfaction like I’d never had before.

  Her body started to slowly pivot. I watched her feet and then raised my eyes up her legs, taking my time moving up her frame. I needed to give myself chance to brace for what I was expecting to see. I was mesmerized by her hair swinging with her body’s motion as I worked up the courage to look at her face.

  I was terrified it would be her.

  It was her.

  The face I’d cried over and raged over, that same face that haunts me because I didn’t keep her safe. I had memorized every feature on her face because it was the most beautiful thing I was never going to get to see again. Stood in front of me now, she had a touch of makeup on, her frame had filled out a bit and she was no longer just athletically beautiful, she was astonishingly beautiful and sexy and… here.

  “Get out,” I whispered desperately pulling back the fury that was screaming to take over me.

  “Ross…” her eyes, her teasing eyes had tears forming in the corners.

  “Get the fuck out and never come back!” I finally roared, letting the barbarian free.

  I watched as the woman I’d once loved, nodded her head in resigned acceptance and headed for the back kitchen door. I stepped to the kitchen table chairs and placed my hands on the back of them, I needed the support and I was a millisecond from either passing out or destroying the next thing I came into contact with.

  “Sam…” she choked through a sob.

  “We’ll talk later Mouse,” he replied dismissing her but keeping a watchful eye on me. This was a smart move on his part. Even I didn’t know which way this was going to go, so him being cautious and on guard was the very best thing for both of us.

  I tried to keep my stare and concentration on the kitchen table as I heard her steps crunch over the hardcore, but I couldn’t. I followed her with my eyes until she was out of sight and then I continued to hold my breath until I heard the car she was in, pull away. “Please, tell me you’re as fuckin’ shocked about that as I am?”

  “Son…”

  Obviously not then, he always started the speeches where he delivered bad news with ‘son’. “Please tell me I’m wrong. You did not watch me turn myself inside out with pain over not goin’ after her and the grief over losing her, knowin’ she was alive.”

  He didn’t answer me and we glared at each other for a while until it was my turn for fight or flight. I figured the sheriff pummeling the living shit out of his dad wouldn’t be well received, so I walked away, feeling so angry I thought I was going to shatter at any moment.

  All because I knew I’d been played.

  “She’s at the motel,” I heard him shout as I stalked across the yard to my house.

  Chapter Thirty Four

  I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could.

  The Ross I’d seen was a scary one, not one I’d been living with or had seen very often. I suspected it was really Jake that I’d seen, the guy in Sam’s kitchen looked terrifying and I knew it was not the right time to try and talk to him.

  I shouldn’t have arrived unannounced, but Sam assured me he’d be at work. I assumed he was away undercover on another job and did not expect him to walk through the door wearing a sheriff’s badge. Maybe telling Sam all those months ago that I didn’t want to know anything was a bad idea. In my heart I knew if he was struggling I would have chucked it all in and gone to him. I couldn’t have stayed knowing the suffering I’d caused.

  The last year was the first time ever that I felt the desire to run towards something rather than run away for as long as I can remember.

  I knew it was going to be hard seeing him, but that was beyond hard, it was harrowing, being so close and not being able to touch him was painful. Everything I remembered about him in such vivid and exact detail was spot on. He still commanded a room with his presence. The inked art work covering his visible skin was electric, it’s hue made it clear he had spent some time vacationing in the sun. The dark tone of his skin glistened with sun kissed beauty and I had to restrain my fingers from reaching out and running along the designs like I used to do.

  God, like I used to do. That seems like a life time ago. So much had changed and I was crazy to have assumed his life had remained exact, whereas mine couldn’t be more different.

  Antonia Acerbi was truly gone and I’d embraced Cara Wilkes because I found the ultimate reason to carry on.

  Mom was waiting in the window of the motel room, I’m sure her nerves were as frayed as mine. “How did it go?” she asked as I walked through the door. I finally released the tears that had been threatening on my drive over here which pretty much answered her question. “Ssh, come on now. It was always going to be a shock.”

  “I know but holy hell, he was so mad and the look of disdain and hatred on his face. I didn’t hang around to try and talk to him. It was just awful.”

  My mom soothed me, like she used to do when I was a child and had fallen out with my brothers. It didn’t take much for her to wrap me up in her arms, she was still making up for years of lost time. “The first step is done. Now we just wait and then try again.”

  “What if he never wants to see me again?” It was a real possibility that I was beginning to realize I would have to face.

  “Then we’ll deal with that like we’ve dealt with everything else, together. We pick ourselves up and we carry on.”

  Mom was right.

  I’d thrown myself into life the last year, well as much as I could. I went with the theory of exhausting myself during the day so I could collapse and sleep at night.

  We made a pact, only to share the stuff from our past
that we’d missed out on if it was a happy time. I soon realized I didn’t have a lot to share, whereas my mom did and that was the biggest sign that I’d made the right decision. Killing Antonia so young, enabled me to look forward to years and years of a decent future. If I hadn’t have gone along with it and I had been lucky enough to out run them, looking back on my life would have been suicidal and depressing.

  Doing it this way gave me the real freedom to be whoever I wanted to be, rather than the temporary freedom that I existed on whilst running.

  I settled into ranch life as much as was reasonably possible. I knew I wouldn’t be staying forever and always having that in my mind stopped me from getting too comfortable and familiar. The last thing I wanted was to be so comfy that I had yet another decision to make about leaving.

  Sam and I kept in constant contact via post. I was sending frequent letters to a PO Box and even though we’d agreed the no sharing rule, I still scoured his words for any hint that Ross wasn’t coping or had moved on.

  It was only recently that I decided the time was right to try and make contact with him, when I’d written and asked if it was a bad idea, he told me that the timing was perfect.

  Well… not from what I saw today.

  Guiseppe was rarely around, it was too dangerous for him to travel back and to. If someone suspected and decided to look into any of his routines he would have not only been giving me away, but our mom. However he’d found this place, it was clear he needed it as a sanctuary for the future, the guy had destroyed his own life for us and I wasn’t about to take away the one place he felt safe at.

  Any contact he made came with information, he kept me up to date with my brother’s progress and a few things pertinent to me, like Raven. It turns out he’d helped Jonas put her somewhere safe before tying up that particular line of business. A few risky maneuvers on a senator and the honey trap was at risk of being exposed. The firm thought Raven had gone to feed the fish, whereas she was really finishing high school under yet another fake identity he’d created. She was now looking forward to applying for colleges and putting that part of her life behind her.

  I never enquired about our father, it wasn’t fair to any of us. Mom had ended that part of her life years ago and didn’t want to be reminded of any of her time with him. Guiseppe was trying to end his life with him and was desperate to forget it, so mom and I did our best not to ask him about things. For me, it was like trying to seal the lid on a brain box full of memories and bury them deep. Our father had hurt a lot of people and god willing his time on this earth will be short and if it wasn’t going to be I wanted the next best option, painful.

  “I think the bathtub is ready, go and do bath time,” she told me with a smile.

  “OK, I need the distraction.” I stood up and headed for the one thing that kept me going all this time. As I was closing the bathroom door a fist thumped against the main motel room door. “I’ll answer that, you do this.”

  There were only three people who knew where we were, Guiseppe, Old Sam and Ross. Guiseppe would call, he’d never follow us and risk exposing us. Old Sam wouldn’t knock so aggressively, which meant there was only one candidate.

  Ross.

  I opened the door and like an imposing mountain before me, I steeled myself against the tirade I was sure he was here to deliver. I needed to be sure he was in a better frame of mind before I let him in this room. “Ross, I’m sorry about before, I would never have called just like that, but I thought you were at work.”

  “I was. Are you going to let me in?”

  I wanted nothing more, but caution was my best friend in times of uncertainty. “I think we should probably meet somewhere else. Somewhere neutral like the coffee shop.” I suggested.

  Ross shook his head and moved his hands to run his fingers through his thick hair in frustration. As he was about to turn and stalk off, he heard the sound of what I’d been hoping to avoid, and trying to guard against.

  A happy squeal.

  An infant’s giggle.

  “What the fuck was that?”

  “Nothing. Coffee shop then, half an hour?” I persisted. I always was rubbish at lying.

  “Open the door. Now. I’m guessin’ you won’t take kindly to me bustin’ the fuckin’ door in right now.”

  I warred with the decision of standing my ground, Ross’s eyes challenged me to test him and I knew I was teasing the monster and his temper by doing anything other than complying. “Please stay calm, promise me.”

  He didn’t move an inch as I reversed through the doorway, keeping my eyes locked on him, watching him take in the surroundings and process it.

  Suitcases stuffed with clothes.

  A bright colored Stroller.

  A farm animal play mat.

  Toys, lots of little toys.

  “What the…” he mumbled just as my mom started to sing, ‘I am the Lorax’ in the bathroom and despite the tenseness in the room it still made me smile, she used to do this when I was young and needed comfort.

  This was it. There was no stopping this train, it was really out of control now. Opening the bathroom door quickly, he came face to face with my supposedly dead mother and his son having a bath before he went down for a nap.

  “Ross, this is my mom and… and… Jake. My son, Jake. Our son, Jake.

  Chapter Thirty Five

  *****

  Ross

  I wanted to say something, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t sure I trusted myself. The perfect bundle of skin splashing around in the tub was mine.

  I knew this, not because the kid looked like me, shit, he looked like a plucked chicken with eyes and limbs. I knew this because my locked away, caged and under house arrest heart, broke free.

  I swear to all that is holy, I felt my fucking heart beat again for the first time.

  He was so tiny and I was so huge. I was fairly sure that I could put him in my hands and mistake him for a football.

  My son.

  I staggered back to the bed and when I felt the bed hit the backs of my legs I dropped down in a heap. I was well aware that I hadn’t said a word, but I was still too stunned by what had played out.

  Cara was alive.

  Cara’s mom was alive.

  And fuck, fuck! I had a son.

  “Let me get him in a diaper,” her mom suggested, sending Cara looks of bewilderment.

  “Ross…”

  “No. Don’t talk to me,” I know I was saying things that were out of control. “You did this to me. You kept him from me.” I finished, pointing at him with my finger whilst pinning her with my cold, hurt eyes. I didn’t care what pain I was causing, she needed to feel the brunt of what I’d been through. I needed her to understand what it was like to come to breaking apart completely and giving up on… everything.

  I saw her bottom lip start to wobble and the tears drop from her beautiful eyes. I wanted to say I didn’t care, but I did and right then I needed her to grasp just how she’d broke me. “I can’t be around you now. Do not leave town with my fuckin’ son. I know running is what you do best, but I swear to God, swear to God, if you run off with my son there will be no place you can hide. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes.” I heard her breath hitch around the words and ignored her mother who was now juggling a diapered mass of flaying arms and legs. I looked at my boy and with some trepidation, I reached out and felt the zing of love buzz between us when I ran my index finger down his cheek.

  Fuck, he was so soft and helpless.

  He stilled immediately. My boy stopped moving to check me out too, as if he knew it was important to let me connect with him. It was like he knew this was the most important moment in the world to me and he let me breathe him in and link my now beating heart with his.

  I wasn’t strong enough to look at the woman who had destroyed my very core, so I didn’t. I passed her and pursued freedom to get my head together because I needed that more than anything, leaving the door wide open as I left.

  N
othing I did helped me settle, I drove aimlessly for hours in my police jeep trying to look all official. Right now, it was just another disguise I was wearing, because taking it off would leave me as ‘just Ross’ and I wasn’t sure how ‘just Ross’ was fairing at the moment.

  I stopped for a coffee. Caffeine did fuck all but bring attention from people passing by who had nit shit stuff they wanted dealing with. For fuck’s sake people! I had a child, I didn’t have time for this.

  I drove to the dive bar on the edge of town, hoping the other extreme would help me. It didn’t and everyone already in there couldn’t stand far enough away from me. Sitting at the bar proved a step too far and when I was starting to affect the guy’s business, I decided to leave.

  I knew I had to remove some of my anger before I saw her or my dad again. My old man, I’d been duped by my old man. Unbelievable. So I targeted the next person responsible, I knew there was no way he’d pulled this off on his own.

  “Jonas,” I growled down the phone.

  “S’up?”

  “You knew,” it was enough to get his attention and I suspect he was always expecting this call to come.

  “I knew.”

  “Why?”

  “It was the best option, with the best outcome.”

  “Outcome!” I roared. “You know what that did to me. I missed the birth of my fucking son.”

  “I know because I have my girls. You’ll never understand what making that decision did to me. I went with the best long term outcome. I had to be sure she was safe first.”

  “You plotted with that motherfucker? He was trying to kill her.”

  “I did and it was for the best.”