by Bella Jewel
Raide grins. “Long story.”
I chat with Raide and Belle for the next hour, and in that time I keep glancing back to see if Rainer comes back in, but he doesn’t. Needing to pee, I get up and head towards the toilets, pushing through the crowds of people to make it to the back door. I’m using the outdoor ones—no way am I lining up. As I step outside, I catch sight of Pippa and Rainer standing near the brick wall he just fucked me against, his arms around her, both of them unaware that I’m there. I can’t help it; I stop and listen.
“He’ll come around, Pip,” Rainer says to her, stroking her hair.
“Maybe, but what if he doesn’t, Rainer? What am I going to do if he decides this is over between us?” she sobs.
“Then you’ll have me. I’ll always take care of you.”
“I can’t ask that of you. I can’t.”
“You’ll always be the most important thing in my life, Pippa. I’ll have your back if he doesn’t. I’ll always be here.”
My heart aches at his words, and I can’t make my feet move. I need to push away and walk inside, but I just can’t.
“You can’t always keep waiting for me, Rainer,” she says, looking up into his eyes. “You have Mali now. She cares about you.”
“Mali is nothing more than a bit of fun. You’re the only one who means anything to me, sweetheart.”
It feels as if someone has slapped me clean across the face. I don’t understand. He said we were going to look at taking things further, but now he’s saying I’m nothing more than a bit of fun. As always, he’s protecting Pippa. He’s always going to protect Pippa. God, what was I thinking? When did I ever believe he was going to change that?
I turn and rush inside, angry tears flowing down my cheeks. I run into Raide shoving through the crowd, and he curls his fingers around my arms, stopping me. “Whoa there, what’s wrong?”
“Let me go. I need to get out of here,” I cry, horrified.
I mean nothing. Nothing at all. I’m just a sex toy. I’m so stupid. So blind.
“Calm down, you’re not going anywhere like this. Tell me what’s wrong?”
“He doesn’t even care about me,” I sob angrily, pushing at Raide’s chest. “He’s been fucking me for close to a month, and he doesn’t care. When did I think I mattered? I don’t matter.”
“We’re talking about Rainer?”
“Yes,” I sob, giving up my fighting.
“He cares about you.”
“He does not. I just heard him say to Pippa I’m nothing more than a bit of fun. A bit of fun!”
The words cause pain to stab through my chest, right to my broken heart.
“He looks at you like you’re a lot more than that.”
“You’re blind. Let me go, Raide. I need to leave.”
“I know you don’t know me, but do you trust me?”
I stop fighting and look up at him, my eyes blurry with tears. He reaches up and swipes them away.
“I . . . I guess.”
“Sometimes a man doesn’t realize what he’s missing until it’s shoved in his face.”
“I don’t understand.”
Raide looks around the room, and his eyes focus on something. “He’s just walked back in. You say he doesn’t care about you. We’re about to find out.”
Raide curls his fingers around the back of my head and brings his lips down over mine. I’m so shocked for a moment that I can’t think—I just stand there, frozen. Then I realize what he’s doing and I respond, moving my mouth against his. He’s one hell of a kisser—his lips are soft, his tongue is skilled and he’s got an amazing, big, hard body to go with it. I actually forget the world for a second.
He pulls back and grins down at me. “You’re welcome.”
With that, he disappears into the crowd.
Smart man.
~*~*~*~
“What the fuck are you doing?” Rainer barks, taking my arm and hauling me through the crowd.
What the fuck am I doing? Is he serious? He just told the woman he loves I am no more than a play-thing, but he wants to get upset at me over a kiss? I don’t think so. I’m tired of the lies, of the games, of the pathetic emptiness inside my heart. I deserve more than this. I deserve to be loved, or at the very least, respected.
“I was kissing Raide,” I say simply, crossing my arms when he pulls me into the back storeroom.
“Are you fucking serious? You were just outside fucking me.”
“Yeah, Rainer, I was. You also told me this is casual.”
His fists clench. “I was going to take you on a date.”
I lose it now. How dare he pretend after what I heard? I’m tired of the secrets; it’s time Rainer learns the truth.
“Yeah,” I scream. “And I just heard you tell Pippa I mean nothing to you, and she’s the only one who ever will, so don’t you fucking dare stand there and tell me I can’t mess around with other men.”
His face changes with shock, and then he opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.
“I don’t want your excuses, Rainer. You don’t care about me. You care about her. That’s not her fault. It’s not your fault. But you do not get to act jealous over the fact that I was with another man when you honestly don’t give a shit about me.”
“That’s not fucking true,” he barks.
“Oh bullshit. God, Rainer, I’m so sick of this. So sick of pretending.”
“I’ve been honest with you from the start,” he yells.
“Yeah, you have, but I haven’t.”
He flinches and steps back. “What are you talkin’ about?”
“You know I made so many excuses as to why you didn’t remember. I thought it was an accident. I thought maybe you’d lost your memory, then I found out about what happened to you, and I continued to believe I had a place in your heart still.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You honestly don’t see it, do you, Rainer? You don’t see it, no matter how hard you look at me.”
He looks confused, his eyes searching my face as if the answer is going to jump out at him. I can’t take it anymore, I take the bracelet that I keep in my purse at all times out, and I throw it at him. It’s the bracelet he gave me for my eighteenth birthday. He catches it, staring down at the inscription, and I can see it starting to make sense.
“You said you loved me back then,” I whisper as his eyes widen. “But you couldn’t have if you forgot my face so easily. Right, Rai Rai?”
His entire body jerks back and his eyes widen, then suddenly he’s looking, really looking. His eyes frantically search, moving over my face, locking on my eyes, moving over my body.
“Emalie?” he rasps.
I shake my head and a tear rolls down my cheek. “Yeah, it’s good to see you too, buddy.”
Then I turn and run out before he can stop me.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
THEN – MALI
Rainer’s fingers move over my back, sliding down my skin. I’m resting my head on my crossed arms, staring over at him. He’s propped up on an elbow, smiling down at me. He made love to me twice, and the second time was so much more explosive than the first. Something connected between us, something that’s been lying dormant for so long.
“Are you okay?” he asks, sliding his fingers up and over my shoulder.
“Yeah,” I say sleepily. “I’m doing okay.”
“You’re not hurt?”
I shift a little, and there’s a slight ache between my legs, but it isn’t too horrid. “I’m not too bad.”
He smiles bigger and leans down, pressing his lips to mine.
“Rainer?” I ask.
He pulls back and meets my eyes. “Yeah?”
“Where does this leave us?”
“How do you mean?”
I shift so I’m on my side, facing him. “We were such great friends, and honestly, I never thought it would go further. It feels great, but also a little weird. I mean, only a month ago you were with another
girl, and we were arguing over petty things.”
He studies my face. “You know, I think I always knew it was going to be you. I just never saw it until you started dating Jack. I couldn’t understand my urgent need to keep you away from him. I told myself it was because you were the only family I had, and that I just wanted to protect you, but when I saw you in that dress that night, and he was kissing you, jealousy exploded in my chest. Suddenly, I didn’t want anyone near you.”
“Do you think it was always going to happen?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess it was bound to when you started dating. Honestly, I didn’t feel it before then. I cared about you, but I never saw it as more than friendship. It came as a huge shock that I got so jealous and I fought it for weeks, trying to reason with myself, but in the end fact was fact.”
“And this, between us.” I point to his chest, then to mine. “Do you think it’ll last? What are we going to do?”
His eyes grow a little dark. “I’ve got a lot of things to sort out and until I do, I have to keep my distance. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with you more than my next breath, but I have to protect you, too.”
“Won’t you tell me what’s going on? I’m worried.”
He sighs. “I can’t tell you, and it’s not because I don’t trust you, it’s just I need to know you’re safe. Just know that I’ll deal with it. My father left some mess behind and I’m cleaning it up.”
“Will you go back to school once it’s done?”
He shrugs. “I honestly don’t know.”
“It’s so sad you had to quit, Rai. You loved school. You were going to go so far.”
“Yeah, I was, but sometimes life happens. I’m not bitter, Emy. I can accept my fate.”
I don’t think he understands. Fate surely has better things in store for him.
He’s far too incredible.
~*~*~*~
I lift my bag over my shoulder as it slips down, frowning as I walk along the sidewalk. I don’t feel like school today. Without Rainer there, it’s not worth it. We’ve been dating for a month now and even though I don’t see him heaps, it’s been great. He spends as much time with me as he can, but I know something is going on. He’s been distant, constantly on the phone, and he’s dealing with people I don’t like the look of. I have no doubt it has to do with drugs, but every time I bring it up, he shuts me down.
He’s been gone three days now, and even though he calls me, I’m worried about him. I’m worried about what kind of debts his father left that would have him messing around with criminals. Was his dad doing drugs? Is he paying off his debts? I just don’t know, and I don’t like it. Not one bit. I’m scared for him, but mostly, I’m terrified of what will happen if he gets hurt, or worse, killed.
I’m so busy in my thoughts I don’t hear the person approach me from behind. The next thing I know, I’m being launched up into a set of hard arms and swung around. I scream with fear and shock, but then I’m placed down and crushed into a hard chest, and I know instantly whom that chest belongs to. I make a happy sound and wrap my arms around Rainer’s middle, pressing my cheek against him, breathing him in. “You’re back.”
“I’m back, baby,” he murmurs into my hair. “Fucking missed you.”
I step back and look up at him. He grins down at me, and everything looks normal with him. He doesn’t seem hurt, or drained, and that has to be a good thing, right?
“Where have you been?” I ask. “I was worried.”
“I called you.” He frowns.
“I know, but I hate not knowing what you’re doing.”
“Yeah, I know, but trust me, it’s nearly over.”
I bite my bottom lip, giving him a concerned look. He reaches down and strokes a thumb over my cheek. “Trust me, okay?”
“Okay Rai.”
“Now, tell me what’s been happening. I’m taking you out tonight, so you better not have plans.”
I tuck myself into his side and we start walking towards school.
“Nothing much has happened. It’s all the same.”
“No excitement at school?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Jack been keeping his distance?”
“Considering he probably had to have plastic surgery, I’m going to say yes.”
Rainer chuckles. “Well, that’s what he gets for touching what isn’t his.”
“You could have been charged for that. You’re lucky, Rai.”
He squeezes me. “If he charged me, I would have had you charge him and he knows it. Not worth it.”
“Well, I think he’s learned his lesson.”
Rainer grunts. “I fucking hope so. You haven’t had any more shit from Missy?”
I laugh bitterly. “No, Missy is too busy chatting up the new guy. He is hot, though. I can’t blame her.”
Rainer reaches over and tickles my side, and I squeal with laughter.
“Careful, kid. I’m the jealous type.”
“No shit? I didn’t guess.”
He laughs. “Fuck I’ve missed you.”
Yeah, I’ve missed him too.
More than he knows.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
NOW – MALI
Tears flow down my cheeks in hard, heavy streams. I’m on my bed, knees tucked up to my chest. Mimi has been sitting with me, but she wasn’t getting anything out of me so she decided to try and make me some tea. I can hear her battering around in the kitchen, no doubt frustrated. I want to tell her what happened, but I can’t stop crying for long enough to get it out.
I’m crying so hard, and no matter what I do it just doesn’t stop. I’m crying from years worth of loss and pain. My phone has rung more than thirty times, and I finally turned it off. The calls were from Rainer, and Pippa, and even a few from Belle. I don’t want to talk to any of them. I don’t know how to explain what I’ve done. I don’t just blame Rainer; I blame myself for not being honest with him.
It’s all just a big mess.
“She doesn’t want to see you!” Mimi screeches.
“Too fucking bad!” Rainer barks, and I hear pounding footsteps.
Oh God. He’s in my house. Why is he in my house?
“If you don’t stop, I’ll call the cops,” Mimi yells.
“Go right a-fucking-head. I’m going to see her.”
“Rainer!” she screams.
I launch off the bed, scrambling to get to the door and lock it, but I’m not quick enough. It swings open and a big, angry Rainer storms in, slamming it behind him, right in Mimi’s face. He reaches back and locks it, then he stands, staring at me, really staring. His body is shaking with his panting breath, and he looks wild.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he demands.
“I thought you’d know. I went in there so excited that you were in town, that I was going to have my friend, my lover, back, but when you looked at me and didn’t recognize me, it broke my heart.”
“I have memory problems, Emy. Fuck! I know who you are, but your face is a hazy mess in my mind.”
He called me Emy. My heart explodes and I start sobbing again.
“I get that, but I thought you’d know, Rainer. I thought you’d see it, and the more time you spent with me, the more I realized that wasn’t going to happen. I know I should have told you, but I was so hurt. God, it burned so deep . . .”
He takes a step forward but I put a hand up. “Please, don’t,” I croak.
“I would have never done any of that if I knew,” he croaks.
“Wouldn’t you?” I cry. “God, Rainer, you don’t care about me anymore and that’s okay. I didn’t expect you to, but . . . I just thought . . . after the way you left . . .”
“Things have happened in my life . . . Do you think if I could remember clearly that I wouldn’t have been happy to see you?”
I cry harder. “I’m sorry,” I croak.
He steps closer and I let him. I stare at his boots, because I don’t know what to say.
“I
never thought I’d see you again,” he rasps. “Fuck, Emy, I never . . .”
“It hurt,” I cut him off. “It hurt so bad when you looked right through me. I was so sure you’d remember, and it felt like someone had reached in and ripped my heart out.”
He says nothing, and I don’t look up.
“Then I found out what had happened, and that you were in love with Pippa, and I realized I was in deeper than I first thought. When I heard you say that stuff tonight . . . it ruined me. I’ve loved you since the day you made love to me and every year since and you ruined me.”
“Emy . . .”
“And you didn’t even remember me.” My voice breaks on a sob. “You didn’t remember. Oh God . . .”
“Kid . . .”
“And that hurt, Rai,” I cry angrily. “It fucking hurt.”
“Emalie . . .”
“And now you love another woman, and it hurts, so badly. It’s not your fault, I know that . . .”
“Look at me,” he demands, his voice thick with emotion. I lift my eyes and gasp at what I see. He’s got red eyes and there’s a tear running down his cheek. Oh God, he’s hurting. He’s . . . broken. “You have no idea what leaving you did to me.”
“Then why did you do it?” I sob brokenly.
“Because I was protecting you, and then I got into more bad shit and I got sold. After that, my mind was a mess.”
I hiccup loudly and wrap my arms around myself.
“Before I met Pippa, all I thought about on that slave farm was you. Every second of every day, I prayed I had done all I could to protect you.”
“Rainer,” I cry, my voice shaky.
More tears run down his cheeks. “I loved you. You had to know that . . .”
I press a hand to my heart. “You left me.”
“I saved you.”
“Rainer . . .”
He steps closer. “I’m sorry, Emalie. I am so fucking sorry.”
“I just—I don’t know where to go from here. The fact that you know doesn’t change the fact that you love her.”
“No, Emy, it doesn’t but this does change things . . .”
I start shaking. “Don’t come in here and give me false hope . . .”