Can't Go Back

by Marie Meyer

  “Mmm-hmm.” She nodded. “My grandma wouldn’t let us near each other for a month. She thought you were a bad influence on me. Body art was definitely not her thing. What was I? Twelve?”

  “And I was fifteen,” I added. “Do you remember what I wanted you to draw on my arm?” Like a movie, my brain played the scene.

  I’d just bought a brand new pack of Sharpie pens. A bunch of different colors for Jillian. She loved Sharpies. Excitement spurred me on, and I raced over to her house.

  Sitting together on the porch, we dumped the pack of twelve colors between us. Suggesting we give each other tattoos, I picked up one of the pens and twirled it between my fingers like a drumstick. Without skipping a beat, Jillian lifted up her shirt sleeve and flexed a nonexistent bicep, insisting I slap a rainbow on her arm. I tried to change her mind, said that tattoos were supposed to mean something, but no, she wanted a rainbow. Who was I to deny Jillian anything? I bent over her arm, determined to give her the best twelve-colored rainbow known to man.

  As I finished her rainbow, I told Jillian what I wanted. But my words were buried beneath the rants of Grandma Pat, when she saw that I had “marked” her little Jillian.

  “I don’t remember, Griff,” Jillian said, squeezing my hand. “By the time you finished with that rainbow on my arm, Grandma found us and started throwing an old-lady tantrum.”

  I smiled at the memory of Grandma Pat turning red in the face and doing her little tiptoe-shuffle dance number when she was angry. Grandma Pat had been small, but mighty…very much like Jillian. “I wanted you to write ‘Jillibean.’”

  She frowned. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember.”

  I needed that frown to disappear. “I knew even back then how special you are, how much having you in my life meant.”

  “How? We were so young.” She scooted closer.

  “I knew because when I asked you to ink your name onto me, I was prepared to defend you and protect you from anything. But every time I looked in your eyes I could see things I couldn’t protect you from. The way you blamed yourself for your parents’ death, the heartache you wore like a second skin. You’d put a wall up, and I was trapped on the outside. But I still wanted to save you from all that.” My eyes drifted over her face, begging her to understand how I felt. She was it for me.

  “There was no light in your eyes anymore.” I let go of her hand to brush my thumb over her eye. She closed them and leaned her head into my hand. Neither of us dared move. Then she placed a kiss in my palm, recaptured it, and laced her fingers through mine.

  I firmed up my hold on her. “I told myself all the time that I’d be there for you, to hold your hand in the storm. I’d always be your friend. It was the best way I could think to protect you. I prayed that one day the storm would pass, and that light in your eyes would come back.”

  “Griffin—” My name caught in her throat.

  “Bean, please. I’m getting my chance now. Let me finish.”

  She exhaled loudly and nodded, squaring her shoulders.

  “In high school, you were in no shape to be in a relationship, and I knew that. And then you kissed me last year.” I took a breath. “I got scared. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted it…God, I wanted it.” Needing to drive home how much I fucking wanted her, I leaned in and pressed our foreheads together, cradling her head between my hands. “But I didn’t want to hurt you. You were doing so well, and finally getting your chance at a new life, doing what you wanted. That overwhelming urge to protect kicked in, and I pushed you away. I didn’t want to stand in your way, and I didn’t want to add any more stress to your life.”

  “So what changed?” she asked. “Why is now OK?”

  “Being without you fucking hurts,” I whispered, pulling away to hold her hands in my lap. “All these years, a day never passed that I didn’t get to see you. But man, these last few months, not seeing your face every day…it was like part of me was missing.”

  She nodded. “I know what you mean.”

  “I know it’s selfish, but I need you. I know you’re leaving for school again, and we’re going to be apart, but I can’t let you go back believing a lie. I love you so damn much, Jillian.” I cupped her face again, running my thumbs over her cheeks.

  I was so consumed by her…by the fact that I could touch her and hold her. It wasn’t a dream anymore, but reality. I reached for her arms, gently trailing my fingers toward her shoulders. The skimpy tank top she wore showcased her curves beautifully, but didn’t do so much to hide the scars. The ghosts she carried and tried hard to keep hidden. I knew how self-conscious she was about her body, how she hated for people to see the cracks in her porcelain skin. She was beautiful, and I wanted her to know it…to feel it.

  My fingers traced along her neck, continuing their slow decent before stopping at the top of a scar peeking out of her tank top. I lowered my head and placed a kiss on the barely visible scar. Jillian tilted her head back, relaxed, placing her body and soul in my care.

  I massaged a finger over the scar, settling my eyes back on hers. “Jillian, why did you run last night?”

  It took her a minute for her to answer. “Uh…I was backstage watching you finish up. When you came off the stage…” She glanced down. “Erin was there.”

  “Seriously?” I was shocked. “She was just saying hi, and she wished me a happy New Year.” A relieved chuckle rumbled in my chest. What a colossal misunderstanding. I gripped her chin between my thumb and forefinger, and lifted her head, forcing her to look at me. “She broke up with me, Jillian. She knew I was in love with you. She was the one of the many people that told me to get my head out of my ass and tell you how I felt.”

  “Really?” she muttered. “Since I hadn’t seen you in a few days, I just thought…”

  I needed to rectify this fuckup. Jillian needed to know just how much I was into her. “Well.” I kissed her neck. “You.” And then her jaw. “Thought.” And her cheek. “Wrong.” Finally I pressed my lips to hers and pushed her onto her back. “I will never get tired of doing this.”

  “Me neither,” she sighed, reaching up to lock her hands behind my neck. She used her leverage on me, and pulled my face to hers.

  Lying on Jillian’s bed, I savored her. Tiny kisses gave way to fevered, hungry groans. The feel of her hands beneath my shirt was irresistible. But she didn’t stop there, moving the shirt up to my shoulders and pulling it off in one swift motion. I reclaimed her mouth, hooked an arm around her, and flipped us. She sat up, breathless. It was such a turn-on to see her legs straddling me. Her lips were swollen, eyes bright, cheeks flushed. I did that to her. Fucking sexy as hell.

  One corner of her mouth turned up in a sexy, mischievous grin. Her dark eyes lingered on mine for a second before they drifted over my body. It was nothing Jillian hadn’t seen before—except for the ink with her nickname—but it was so small, I doubted she’d notice.

  Jillian gave me her full attention, trailing her hands over my shoulders…down my biceps. I flexed, her fingers like live wires sending jolts of electricity through me. “This feels fucking awesome,” I exhaled.

  She traced the lines of my ink with her finger. Always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres. Never fails. Her touch was light…teasing, then punctuated by the heat of her mouth on each line of script, like a prayer.

  As she moved her body sinuously down mine, her fingers continued their relentless pursuit, working over the tuning heads of my bass guitar tat. I sucked in a breath when her fingers teasingly dipped beneath the waistband of my jeans. Fuck me.

  Moving diagonally across my chest, Jillian fingered the strings, working her hand toward the body of the guitar. My breath came faster every time she put her lips to my skin, kissing each of the drops that bled from the shattered bass over my heart. Will she notice her droplet?

  Her lips kissed the tattoo bearing her name and she paused. Her scorching mouth branded me. I opened my eyes in time to see her sliding up my body. “When?” she asked.
/>   I shifted to accommodate her and she rested her head back on my arm.

  “When I got back from taking you to school. I told you, it felt like a part of me was missing. I had to do something.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “For what?” I smoothed my fingers over her shoulder, making up for lost time.

  “For never giving up on me. For always being there for me. For everything.”

  “Ditto.” I smiled and pulled her closer, kissing her. Not wanting to pull away, I spoke against her mouth. “Kissing you makes me want to write a song.”

  “Sing to me,” she breathed.

  Who was I to deny her? I’d done that once and almost lost her. There was no way in hell I was ever going back. She wasn’t just a now (even though now was pretty fucking amazing), she was my future. My whole song.

  I’d spend the rest of my life giving this girl her heart’s desires. She didn’t have to ask twice. I drew in a breath and rasped a much more intimate version of the song I’d sung for her last night. She wasn’t getting away from me this time.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  After the concert at the Pageant, things really started heating up, with both Jillian and Mine Shaft. Any free second I had was spent with Jillian, because we knew our time together was limited.

  Dane scheduled and confirmed the dates of our first tour. The studio was pleased with the returns from the New Year’s Eve concert, and confident we could handle headlining a small Central American/North American tour over spring break.

  For one short week, everything felt right.

  It was Jillian’s last night of vacation. Tomorrow we’d join the ranks of long-distance couples. With Jillian in my arms, I stroked a hand over her arm. “Are you happy there?” I asked, before all those miles separated us. I had to know if she still wanted it. Selfishly, I also wanted to know if her mind had changed because of me. That was my biggest fear. If she gave up on her dreams because of my selfishness, I’d walk away. It would be the most painful thing I’d ever have to do, like cutting out my own heart, but I wouldn’t make her choose between me and her future. Her wants, her dreams, they were mine, too.

  She remained quiet. Has she fallen asleep?

  I leaned forward and peeked at her face at the same moment she lifted her head to look at me. A tired smile flashed, then disappeared. It was so late, and I knew she had a long day ahead of her, but I couldn’t get enough. I wanted to bring that smile back and catch it on my lips.

  I bent low and lightly pressed my mouth to hers, scooping her cheek into my hand. She relaxed in my arms, so warm and soft. Sweet torture.

  Chastely kissing her, I imagined our bodies pressed together, skin to skin, nothing keeping us apart. I yearned for that day, but it was not now. I wanted Jillian in my bed for days, our lovemaking uninhibited by all the shit that had kept us apart…heartbreak, grief, time, distance. We wouldn’t have to hurry…unless we wanted to. I’d take her slowly, memorizing every sound she made…the way her body fit with mine. Then, when our passion became too much, our bodies covered in sweat, our lovemaking would take on a fever all its own. It was one of the hardest fucking things I’d ever had to do, to not think with my dick, but with my heart. Jillian wasn’t just any girl, she was the girl…my girl. I would not fuck this up. So every time I touched her it was a blissful agony.

  She parted her lips and a breathy gasp filled the narrow space between us. I slipped my tongue into her mouth, caressing and savoring every part she offered to me. My body sank beside her, and I sealed my mouth solidly over hers, deepening the kiss.

  Eager to touch her, I slid my hand from her face, down her neck and shoulder, working my way to the hem of the t-shirt she wore…my t-shirt. Our bodies so close, my hard-on pressed against her, perfectly aligned. It would be so easy to slip inside her. She moaned and my dick throbbed in response.

  I flicked the hem up and sent my fingers underneath. Jillian rolled closer, her hands working through my hair. If she kept that up, I was going to fuck my gentlemanly resolve and take her now.

  With my tongue slowly plunging a sensual rhythm in and out of her mouth, my fingers moved languidly up her rib cage, reaching the lacy bottom of her bra. I wanted that damn thing off. I moved my hand over her breast, cupping it before I traveled toward her back, seeking out the clasp. Jillian sucked in a breath, her fingernails scratching my bare skin as she moved them down my back. Finally locating what I was looking for, I expertly flipped each closure between my thumb and forefinger until they fell away. One. Two. Three. The straps loosened.

  Jillian froze.

  Panting, I pulled away just enough to see her eyes. “What is it, Bean?” I whispered.

  She shook her head. Even surrounded as we were by the darkness of the early hour, I noticed a single tear fall from her eyelashes and slip down her cheek. With my right arm still trapped beneath her head, I removed my arm from under her shirt to catch the tear. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  She shook her head again, more tears swimming in her dark eyes. “I love you so much, Griffin.” Her voice sounded raspy and thick, like something was choking her from the inside.

  “Shhhh,” I soothed, rubbing her back on the outside of the t-shirt. “I love you, too.” Whatever was distressing her, I wanted to take it away.

  Her body shuddered and she took a deep breath. My arms tightened around her, pressing our noses together.

  “I’m scared, Griff,” she choked.

  “Of what?”

  “Of losing you, and…” She trailed off, almost like there was something else she wanted to say, but couldn’t.

  There was a pinch in my chest. I had the same fear. Since I was sixteen and almost lost her, I’d lived with that fear. “Jillibean,” I said, pulling us both up. I leaned against the headboard, lifting her up and settling her between my legs. I smoothed her disheveled hair and forced her to look me in the eyes. “There is no way in hell you could ever lose me.” Cupping her small face in my hands, I rested my forehead against hers. “I’m yours, body and soul.”

  “I know.” She sighed and laughed humorlessly. “Things just start getting good with us, and I have to leave again.”

  “What are you talking about?” I smiled, running my hands over her head. “Things have always been good with us. And isn’t it par for the course that our timing sucks, as usual?”

  She cocked her head. “You have a point.”

  “But this time we have our inevitable reunion to get us through the long haul.” I wasn’t sure whom I was trying to comfort more, me or her. “Let’s get some sleep,” I said, sinking down onto the pillow. Jillian shifted beside me and used my chest as her pillow, rubbing lazy circles across my skin. Energy hummed inside me, her touch bringing me to life like an engine. If she kept that up, she wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight. I placed my hand on hers and she stilled. “Sleep, Bean. You have a long drive tomorrow.”

  “Ugh, don’t remind me.”

  I chuckled. Her head bobbed up and down with the motion, and I wrapped her in my arms and closed my eyes.

  * * *

  Griffin…Jillian called to me like a siren called to a sailor. The heavy darkness hid her from my view, so I listened again…her faint voice so far away. She was always so far away from me.

  Griff. She spoke again, louder this time. An angel’s wing brushed across my cheek. “Hmm?” I answered, rolling onto my back.

  Like a boat on the water, the bed shifted under me and my eyes flew open. I squinted against the brightness of the room, focusing on Jillian’s smiling face.

  “Good morning,” she said cheerfully, then bent to kiss my forehead.

  “What time is it?” I groaned, kicking my legs free of the blankets.

  “Quarter to eight.”

  Like the sirens I’d dreamed about during the few hours of shut-eye I’d gotten, Jillian sat in front of me like a naughty golden temptress. Her tangled mess of pale-yellow hair was wild and sexy. Her lips were pink and still slightly swolle
n from the working over I’d given them. She was so fucking hot. I could only imagine what she’d look like after having me inside her all night.

  My dick strained against my boxer briefs, pleading for me to be less chivalrous. Staring at her, I licked my dry lips, eager to get my hands on her again. I sat up and grabbed her before she could get away. She giggled and snuggled into me. “Good morning,” I growled, kissing the top of her head.

  “You’re making it very difficult to leave,” she said, laying her head against my chest. Me? How am I making it difficult? I’m not the one who looks like I just climbed off the pages of Maxim.

  “Don’t. Go back tomorrow.” I held her tighter.

  “I can’t,” she groaned. “It’s going to take me two days as it is, and classes start on Monday.”

  Her hands ran over my chest, lighting fires I knew I’d have to extinguish later. “This fucking sucks.” Trying to hide my frustration, I tossed my head back, knocking it against the headboard.

  “Tell you what,” she said, tapping my chest. “Why don’t I get packed up at Jennifer’s, and I’ll come back here before I head out. You can get cleaned up. I’ll be back in an hour, and we can say good-bye then.”

  “It’s better than having to say good-bye now, I guess.” Muttering, I planted my lips on her head again, intoxicated by the scent of her messy hair.

  Jillian stretched out and gave me a quick kiss. That wasn’t working for me. I grabbed her and pulled her on top of me, our bodies flush. I kissed her hard, tangling my hands in her hair. My tongue brushed against her lips, forcing its way into her mouth while her hands held my face to hers.

  With her on top of me like this, my hands had easy access to her gorgeous little ass. I slid my palms down her back until they were full of her cheeks. I cupped them forcefully, pulling her upward. A tiny gasp fell from her lips and she rocked against me.