by Sarah Bailey
Next thing I knew, she’d jumped off my bed and was striding towards the door. I was up and out of my chair, my long legs eating up the space between me, Meredith and the door. I stood in front of it before she got there, preventing her from going anywhere. She couldn’t say that and run away.
She froze in front of me, unable to meet my eyes.
“Cole, please let me go.”
“No. If you go running off to Raphi now, he’ll ask questions and neither of us wants that.” I wanted to reach for her, but I wouldn’t touch her. What if me doing that had triggered this? “What happened? Did I do something wrong?”
Meredith gripped the bottom of her t-shirt. Tears welled in her eyes. I’d never seen her look so vulnerable before.
Shit. You’ve really fucked this right up.
“It’s not you, it’s me. I’m the problem.”
Then she burst into tears, burying her face in her hands as her shoulders shook. I stepped forward, helplessness driving through me. The need to comfort her had me lifting my arms, but being unsure she’d accept it, I hovered there in front of her instead.
“I’m sorry, Cole. I’m so sorry.”
Why the fuck would she need to apologise to me? She’d done nothing wrong. That decided it for me. I closed the distance and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into my chest.
“Shh, don’t be sorry. It’s okay.”
I needed to protect this girl from the world. Seeing her this upset brought out all of my instincts to care for the person I thought of as mine. Resting my cheek against the top of her head, I stroked her back, trying my hardest to soothe away the pain she was experiencing.
“I don’t know why you’re being nice to me,” she sobbed, “or… or why you even like me?”
I didn’t want to admit this to her whilst she was upset. Tell her how from the very first time I saw her face, it’d been like a shot to the fucking heart. My first day of secondary school at eleven-years-old, I’d noticed Meredith with Raphi and his other friends at break time. And that was that. I had to know who this beautiful girl with strawberry blonde hair and green eyes was. Pestering my brother to tell me only made Raphi suspicious, but he’d relented. After that, I realised she was way out of my league and too old for me. I’d waited patiently for five fucking years until I was sixteen to make my move on this girl. To show her I was worthy of her. I’d make her my queen. Give her everything I had so I could be near her.
Here she was now, in my room, crying her eyes out on my chest like she wasn’t worth my time. She was worth every single moment.
“How can I not like you? You’re funny and smart, you don’t take shit off anyone and you’re not afraid to be who you are.”
She dropped her hands from her face and clutched my t-shirt instead.
“That’s not real. It’s an act. I’m afraid of so many things, especially this.”
I pulled her face away from my chest and cupped her cheek, wiping away the tears streaking down it. The misery in her eyes made my chest cave in. I wanted to help her, desperately. It’s not so much I’d been a heartless piece of shit all my life, but there were only a very few people I gave a crap about. My family, who didn’t always understand me but were there for me through thick and thin. And this girl.
“Why?”
“I’m scared if you see what’s really inside my head, you’ll think I’m too damaged to be with.”
Her shoulders deflated as if it was the most honest she’d ever been with anyone in her life.
“You’re not the only one with damage. Why would I ever judge you for that?”
“I don’t know.”
I leant down until we were eye level and forced her to look at me.
“I have absolutely no reason to lie to you and I will never judge you, regardless of what you tell me about yourself.”
Her mouth opened and closed, telling me she didn’t know what to say.
“This is new for me too, okay? You’re not the only one who has no experience.”
She blinked, then a smile appeared across her lips. The relief I felt at seeing it was palpable.
“You’re awfully confident for someone who hasn’t been with a girl before.”
I shrugged. You didn’t get anywhere in life if you didn’t go after what you wanted. My dad told me I shouldn’t let anything hold me back. He’d spent years not going after what he really wanted because of his past. Perhaps it made me overconfident, but I took that shit seriously. Life was about risks and taking chances. And I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of me being with this girl in front of me.
“I think you like that about me.”
“Maybe I do.”
I dropped my hand.
“You going to tell me what upset you so much? I don’t want to do anything wrong here, so I’d rather know if I caused it.”
Her eyes darted away.
“It’s not your fault. It’s hard for me to accept you want me. People have bullied me over my appearance my whole life. It’s made me feel small and it’s why I put up such a front around everyone. Stuff happened and it has everything to do with why I don’t speak to Celia any longer.”
She sighed and rubbed her cheek, clearly uncomfortable talking about this with me.
“I’m really screwed up because of family shit as well. It’s hard for me to talk about. I’m not trying to be difficult, but you have to understand, I don’t let anyone in for good reason. All people have ever done is hurt me when I have.”
I reached out and took her hand, stroking my thumb down the back of hers.
“I can’t promise to never hurt you, but I can promise I’m not going anywhere. I genuinely like you.”
She nodded and gave me a half-smile. I’d take that.
“Now, let’s get you some tissues, then we’ll go sit with Raphi until dinner. Maybe he’ll let you win Mario Kart this time.”
As much as I wanted Meredith to myself, I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or push her too hard. Seeing her vulnerability today told me I had to be careful with how I handled her if I wanted this to work between us. It didn’t put me off her at all. It made me want to know Meredith even more.
For now, I’d go slow and prove she could trust me with her truths. Then, when she let me in, I’d make sure she knew she was mine for keeps.
Chapter Twelve
I spent the entire way home trying to work out where the hell sensitive and caring Cole had come from. For a boy so overconfident and cocky, he sure had more to him than met the eye. He’d held me whilst I cried and made me feel like I was important to him. Never in my life had I been treated with such kindness from someone who didn’t owe me anything.
I’d ended up having a really nice time with his family. After dinner, they’d all gathered together for a family movie night in front of the big screen TV usually reserved for gaming. I’d been in between Cole and Raphi on one sofa, whilst Aurora and Duke sat on the armchairs. Their parents had taken the other sofa with Ash sitting in Quinn’s lap, laying her legs across Rory whilst Eric rested his head on Xav’s shoulder. I saw what Cole meant by the love between them.
Cole had tugged a blanket over me and held my hand under it the entire time. I’d been worried the others would notice, but no one had. Being included like this made me feel like I wasn’t an outsider. I asked Cole if they suspected anything was between us before saying goodbye and he shook his head. I wasn’t so sure, but I guess I would have to trust him.
As if you find it easy to trust anyone.
Cole hadn’t given me a reason not to. If I was ever to move forward, I couldn’t let my past dealings get in the way of this.
I thanked Eric for driving me home before slipping from the car and making my way to my front door. Unlocking it, I walked inside and was met by the sound of the TV blaring in the living room. I stopped in the open doorway, finding Grandma and Mum sitting at opposite ends of the ugly bright pink sofa my mum had insisted on buying
. It was garish and didn’t fit with anything else in the room, plus it being super uncomfortable to sit on made it ten times worse. Jonah called it the pink monstrosity.
“Hi, Mum, Grandma.”
Mum didn’t bother acknowledging me, but my grandmother looked up. The frown on her face said it all.
“Is that what you wore to school, Meredith?”
“Um, yes.”
I knew what was coming, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
“That skirt is far too short. Diane, you shouldn’t be letting your daughter go outside looking like she’ll open her legs to any man who says hello.”
Mum looked over at me, her pale blue eyes assessing me for mere seconds before they landed back on the TV.
“Meredith, throw that skirt away, it’s unbecoming.”
I bit the inside of my cheek on a retort. They could never say a nice fucking word about me. No wonder I stayed in my room where their barbs couldn’t hurt me.
“Yes, Mum.”
I only said it to appease them. The two of them didn’t get a say in what I wore. Besides, I liked the way I felt in this skirt. It was flattering to my figure.
Grandma gave me one last scathing look before she turned back to the TV.
I trudged away, going upstairs and shutting myself in my bedroom. Dumping my bag on the floor, I slumped on my bed face first and groaned. They really knew how to ruin my evening.
I heard my phone buzz, so picked myself up and found it in my bag.
Cole: Thinking of you x
I squirmed and lay back against the covers again. One of the hottest boys I’d ever laid eyes on liked me. I tried not to focus too hard on him being only sixteen, even though it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Especially given the promise I’d made to my brother.
Just don’t think about it. Jonah is being unreasonable anyway. He doesn’t even know Cole.
At least Cole could distract me from my mum and grandmother’s scathing remarks on my dress sense. That had been relatively tame. Yesterday, they told me I looked fat. I had a little cry down the phone to Jonah, who told me in no uncertain terms to ignore them. I wasn’t overweight by any means, but it didn’t make their comments hurt any less.
Meredith: Does anyone else know you’re actually a sweetheart behind closed doors?
I could picture his raised eyebrow and the dark look in his eyes.
Cole: Only for you, so don’t go spreading that shit around or I’ll have to teach you a lesson.
I dropped my phone on the bed and set about getting ready to slip between the sheets myself. As I brushed my teeth, I tried to think of an appropriate response. What kind of lesson did he have in mind and how would he teach it? The thought of Cole punishing me shouldn’t excite me, but somehow it did.
Um, what is wrong with you? That’s not exactly normal, is it?
I climbed into bed and picked up my phone, staring down at his message again. He’d be waiting for me to come back with a smart remark no doubt.
Meredith: I take that back. You’re not sweet at all.
Cole: Can’t be too sweet to you considering you’re into bad boys.
Meredith: No, I’m only into you. That you happen to be bad doesn’t factor into it.
As soon as I hit send, I regretted it instantly. Now I’d get him gloating over me finally admitting I liked him. He had irrefutable proof.
Cole: You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now.
My lip got caught between my teeth. We were definitely flirting and I never did that with anyone. What was it about Cole? Why was he so different from everyone else? Maybe since he made me feel beautiful when I was with him. Made me feel… desired.
Meredith: Oh yeah? Just kissing? Sounds rather PG. I thought you had all kinds of dark intentions towards me.
Are you trying to push his buttons?
Was I?
Would he even respond well to that?
I almost hid my face in my hands.
Cole: Trust me, I have every intention of doing very bad things to you.
Meredith: I never said I’d let you.
Cole: You’re going to beg for it… for me… maybe I’ll give it to you, maybe I won’t.
This felt like dangerous territory to be wading into with him. And yet I couldn’t stop. Playing with fire when it came to Cole gave me a thrill unlike anything else I’d experienced before.
Meredith: Give what to me?
Cole: You need me to spell it out for you?
Meredith: Maybe…
Cole: It starts with the letter C.
I shook my head. My body felt hot at the thought of Cole giving me his… full attention.
Meredith: Please tell me you haven’t named it.
Cole: No, unless you want me to refer to it as Little Cole, but I assure you there’s nothing little about it.
Now there was no doubt in my mind. He was talking about his dick and images of us naked, limbs tangled whilst he took my virginity flashed through my head. I squirmed, growing steadily more aroused by our conversation.
Meredith: That’s what they all say.
Cole: If you’re good, I’ll show you I’m telling the truth next time.
Meredith: Hard pass.
Liar, you want to see and touch him.
My phone rang in my hand, making me jump. I looked at the caller ID before answering. The last person I wanted to talk to right now given the conversation I was having with Cole.
“Hey.”
“You okay?” my brother asked.
“Other than the witches downstairs telling me I dress like a whore, I’m fine.”
“They what?”
“Grandma thinks my knee-length skirt is too short, inviting men to think I want them to sleep with them. I swear she was born in the wrong fucking era.”
Jonah snorted.
“And let me guess, Mum told you to get rid of it?”
“Bingo.”
I wasn’t the only one who got shit from Grandma. Jonah had to put up with her judgemental attitude over his sexuality. She professed not to care, but she made snide remarks about it every time Jonah was home.
“They need to learn to keep their mouths shut.”
“Yeah, never going to happen. It’s like Grandma raised a clone.”
“Are you really okay, Mer?”
I sighed, dragging my hand through my hair as my phone buzzed, signalling I had a text. It would have to wait until I got off the phone with my brother.
“Yeah, just tired. Long day.”
Not to mention I ended up crying on the boy I promised you I wouldn’t get involved with.
Guilt flooded me. Jonah would be angry and disappointed in me. Not to mention breaking a promise to him would be a betrayal. I was a shit sister. Then again, he shouldn’t have made me promise in the first place. Just because he had issues with their family, didn’t mean he could stop me from seeing Cole. Not really.
You’re trying to justify the fact you’re lying to your brother right now.
I told my brain to shove it.
“I worry about you.”
“I know. I’m an adult now, J, you don’t have to take care of me.”
“You’re my baby sister, taking care of you is kind of my thing.”
The fact Jonah was so sweet made this whole situation that much harder on me. I wish he hadn’t used my love for him against me. I wanted to make my brother happy, but it being at the expense of my own? That wasn’t fair on either of us.
“Shouldn’t you be out partying right now?”
“I can’t think of anything worse.”
“J, you need to live a little. I get you’re still messed up over everything, but you can’t spend the rest of your life pining over a straight boy.”
The silence on the other end of the phone told me he didn’t appreciate my bluntness. He had to suck it up. If he kept up with this shit, he’d never find the right guy.
>
“I hate that you have a point,” he muttered.
“Well, I do talk sense sometimes. But seriously, J, it’s been too long. Go out and meet a nice guy, yeah? You deserve to be happy.”
“Thanks for the lecture.”
“Tough love is the only way.”
His chuckle made me smile.
“Fine, my flatmate did invite me out tomorrow night. Maybe I’ll go.”
“Wait, the player or the straitlaced one?”
Jonah had told me their names but I never used them. Robin and Damien were complete opposites and it caused no end of arguments between them. Jonah had met the boys in first year and only agreed to share a flat with them to save on expenses. I think he regretted the decision now, given how often he heard Robin fucking someone through the thin walls.
“The player.”
“Ew, don’t go out with him… or maybe do. He could help you loosen up if you know what I mean.”
Robin swung both ways according to Jonah.
“Hanging up now!”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear, almost forgetting Cole had replied whilst I’d been talking to Jonah. And when I read it, I was glad I hadn’t looked before. All that guilt I felt at lying to my brother came flooding back.
Suck it up. You decided to go behind Jonah’s back so you have to deal with the consequences.
Cole: You say that now, but I know you want to see how hard you get me.
I swallowed. This boy had no shame. Also, he was right. I did. Knowing he desired me only made me feel giddy. Cole Carter and his cocky attitude were the perfect recipe to melt me.
Meredith: You have…
Cole: Yes?
Meredith: A dirty mouth.
Cole: You think this is dirty? You have no idea.
Meredith: Oh yeah?
Cole: I’m not sure you’re ready for the full extent of my dirty mouth.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure either. I could talk a big game, but when it came down to it, I was still a virgin. Sex talk wasn’t really my forte.
Meredith: Maybe. Maybe not.
Cole: Trust me, when you are, I’ll have you squirming whilst I whisper all the depraved shit I want to do to you in your ear. And when you’re begging, I’ll give you what you’re craving. What you need.