Winter Heart

by B. G. Thomas

  Dark green.

  It took only a moment for the pine scent to reach Wyatt.

  Forest green.

  Just like Utnapishtim told him to get.

  He shivered.

  He looked at Kevin.

  Saw the flicker of the candles dance in his eyes.

  “What do you believe?” Wyatt asked.

  “I think God,” Kevin said, “is in creation and entropy and in re-creation. In every molecule and atom. In nature and in us—every part of us. In our flesh and our blood and our muscles and our cocks.”

  Cocks? God is in our cocks?

  “I think God is in this cabin and the woods around us. In the turning of the stars and the earth and the seasons. Spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

  “And in the snowflakes that catch in our eyelashes….”

  Kevin made a strange little noise at his last words that Wyatt couldn’t quite interpret. A gasp? A sob? What was it?

  Just when Wyatt felt as if he should say something to fill the silence, Kevin went on. “I think God is Love. I think that is all that God is. I don’t think ‘It’ hates or gets jealous or punishes and floods the Earth or sends anyone to hell. I don’t even believe in hell, because how could a God that the Bible said is ‘agape’—unconditional love—have any conditions?”

  Wyatt suddenly felt the need to sit down. Before he fell down. Everything Kevin was saying…. The words. Wyatt trembled.

  Who was this man?

  “And I think God wants to be expressed not through fighting about who is right and who is wrong. Which religion is the correct one and which false. But through acts of love. That every time someone performs an act of love, then Jesus comes again, or the Lord of Light is born from the Lady, or Ganesha dances around the Universe in honor of his parents. All are acts of love.”

  The words stunned Wyatt. So much of his life had revolved around people arguing and fighting about which religion was the “right” one! Even amongst his pagan and Wiccan friends, people argued about which path was right, which pantheon was best, which tradition the purest and truest. There had been huge fights here at camp over which pantheon should be celebrated with the rituals during the Solstices or Equinoxes.

  And here sat Kevin—the gently silent Hodor—saying such words.

  Wyatt couldn’t speak.

  And neither spoke for the longest time.

  Then, finally, Kevin smiled, let out a snort, and said, “Listen to me! Who do I think I am? Some kind of Faerie prophet?” He slapped his thigh. “Forgive me.”

  Wyatt couldn’t speak.

  “Whew,” Kevin said. “The air is thick in here.”

  True, thought Wyatt. But did he want to spoil it? Why, he felt like he was on the razor’s edge of something very important.

  “We need to lighten things up. Wyatt! Please. A joke.”

  Wyatt sat up.

  What? What did he say? A joke?

  “You want to hear one of my jokes?”

  Kevin sat forward and propped his chin up on an open palm. “Little Bear, I love your jokes.”

  “You do?” Wyatt squeaked.

  Kevin smiled. “I do.”

  That smile! It made Wyatt’s heart flutter. How could he refuse?

  All right.

  He squinted. Thought about it.

  And remembered an old one.

  “Okay. In honor of our conversation. Three friends—two straight guys, a gay guy—and their significant others all went on a cruise together. Sadly, not a gay cruise, but I digress….” He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, the ship is hit by this huge tidal wave and everyone is drowned. Then, before they know it, there they all are, standing before the Pearly Gates and who should be there?”

  “Saint Peter?” Kevin asked with a grin.

  Wyatt nodded. “So the first straight guy and his wife walk up to Saint Peter, but oh no! Saint Peter shakes his head and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in. You were too greedy. You loved money too much. So much that you even married a woman named Penny.’”

  Kevin nodded as if he hadn’t just delivered a soliloquy that could have brought the house down. Or the cabin in this case.

  “Then the second straight guy walks up to Saint Peter. But to his regret, Saint Peter shakes his head. ‘Sorry, my son. I can’t let you in either. Your sin was gluttony. You loved food so much you even married a woman named Candy!’”

  Wyatt grinned. “Then the gay guy turns to his boyfriend—” He paused.

  “Don’t tease me!” said Kevin.

  “—and whispers to him….”

  “Yes?”

  “This doesn’t look good, Dick.”

  There was another pause. And then Kevin was laughing like Wyatt had never seen him laugh. Finally, with a gasp, Kevin said, “That was great, Wyatt.”

  Well, maybe not great, Wyatt thought. But a teller of jokes was only as good as how much his audience laughed. And in this case his audience had definitely laughed.

  Wyatt realized he hadn’t felt this good in a long time.

  “Oh, Wyatt,” Kevin said. “I just love you.”

  Wyatt’s heart stopped.

  Then he sighed.

  If only, he thought.

  Imagine having a man like Kevin smile at him, laugh at his jokes, and love him every day.

  If only….

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  WYATT LAY in the pitch-black and stared up at a ceiling totally lost in the dark. He truly couldn’t see his hand in front of his face. The only light was an orange sliver that came from around the crack in the door of the stove.

  And even with Kevin only a few feet away, he couldn’t remember feeling so alone.

  But why?

  Except for one brief moment, this day—unplanned as it might have been—had been wonderful. He’d even enjoyed games for the first time since he was a kid playing with his sister and mother.

  He’d had good company.

  New music.

  And he’d seen a side of Kevin he had no idea existed before.

  Of course, he’d really only ever seen Kevin as a big quiet guy. A big quiet sexy guy.

  Now?

  Now he saw a lot more.

  But that didn’t mean he didn’t want to have sex with him. It had been so long. And something told him that sex with Kevin might be very sweet indeed. Just a kiss had been magic!

  “Kevin?”

  No answer. Was that a snore?

  “Kevin,” he said a little louder, with a pang of guilt.

  “Yes, Little Bear?”

  “You know you don’t need to sleep in that bed over there alone….”

  “Wyatt.”

  “I saw you. You can’t even lay down straight in that cot. You’re too big. You’re having to curl up.”

  “I’m okay. I’ve slept many a night on a couch.”

  For some reason Wyatt felt crushed. “Wasn’t it nice cuddling with me earlier?” he asked, fighting to keep the whine from his voice.

  Long silence.

  “It was very nice, Wyatt. But….”

  But? “But?”

  Long silence.

  “You’re going to want more than I can give.”

  More than you can give? “More than you can give?”

  “I know what you want, Wyatt.”

  You do?

  “You don’t want me to come over there to cuddle. You want more.”

  And you don’t? “And you don’t.” This second wasn’t a question. It was a statement. Kevin didn’t want him.

  But what about that erection? Didn’t that mean ‘want’?

  Silence.

  “Of course I want you, Wyatt.”

  Wyatt froze.

  “I’ve wanted you forever.”

  What? “What?” he asked, voice trembling.

  KEVIN LAY curled up in his bunk and stared into the dark. There was no moon tonight. Nothing to reflect off the snow and give them any light at all. There was only the tiniest fraction of light coming from the stove.

 
And even with Wyatt so close, he might as well have been as far away from Wyatt as if he were back in New York.

  You could go and get in bed with him.

  But that would be a mistake, wouldn’t it?

  It was one thing to curl up with him, lying back on that bed, on that bearskin, holding Wyatt and taking a nap.

  If he crawled into bed with the little bear now?

  He knew what would happen.

  And as wonderful as that could be, would be, the price was too high. He would feel so alone tomorrow—beyond alone. Lost tomorrow (or the next day) when Wyatt went back to his life, and he went back to New York.

  “Kevin?”

  He froze. His breath caught.

  “Kevin,” Wyatt said, a little louder this time.

  “Yes, Little Bear?” he managed.

  Don’t say it, Wyatt. Please don’t.

  “You know you don’t need to sleep in that bed over there alone….”

  He stiffened. God. “Wyatt,” he said, trying to keep the moan from his voice.

  “I saw you” came Wyatt’s voice. “You can’t even lay down straight in that cot. You’re too big. You’re having to curl up.”

  True. But…. “I’m okay. I’ve slept many a night on a couch.” And he had. On Cauley’s couch on nights when he was afraid his ex might die. When he wanted to be there in case it was the last night.

  “Wasn’t it nice cuddling with me earlier?” There was almost a whimper in Wyatt’s voice.

  Please don’t, Wyatt. Please.

  Don’t break my resolve.

  But his voice!

  Was that hurt?

  Was he hurting Wyatt?

  “It was very nice, Wyatt,” he admitted. “But….”

  “But?”

  God! What did he say? But if I crawl in that bed with you… “You’re going to want more than I can give.”

  “More than you can give?” came the response.

  Don’t play with me, Wyatt. I’ve heard you many a time. I know how you feel about sex. I can’t be just another pastime. “I know what you want, Wyatt.” You want far more than cuddling. “You don’t want me to come over there to cuddle. You want more.” Much more.

  “And you don’t.” His voice! He wasn’t asking. He’s telling me. He thinks I don’t want him!

  “Of course I want you, Wyatt.” He’d said it even without realizing it. Let it all out. His heart sank. Fuck it. And then at last, at last, he told him, “I’ve wanted you forever.”

  “What?” came Wyatt’s response.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  “I’VE WANTED you forever,” Kevin said, throwing it all out to the Universe. Totally exposing himself. And so what if it took the pitch blackness to allow him to do it. So what if he was only truly admitting all of this now, even to himself. “Since the first time I saw you sitting at that registration table my very first Men’s Festival. I was so nervous. It took everything in me to come. I almost turned around a dozen times and went back home to New York. I almost didn’t get out of my truck, no matter how many hours I’d driven to get there. And then there was you.”

  “Me?” Wyatt said, the shock in his voice impossible to miss.

  Yes, you!

  “You were so damned cute, and you were so nice, and you made me feel so at home I knew I’d come to the right place.” Kevin couldn’t believe he was admitting this. In truth, he was finally and truly admitting it to himself.

  “I did?” Wyatt asked. He couldn’t believe what Kevin was saying.

  “I went and found a place to camp, and I set up way off from everyone else. On the edge of Avalon.” Being at Camp had taken enough out of him. He couldn’t set up camp right there with a bunch of men he didn’t know.

  “Way off is right!” Avalon was at the extreme south end of Camp Sanctuary property. The exact opposite side of the plateau where everyone else camped.

  “And then I saw you at dinner, and I so wanted to come sit by you. I was trying to build up the courage when I saw you kiss this big man….” God, Kevin thought. I’m admitting this!

  “Howard,” Wyatt whispered.

  “And so I sat down at another table,” Kevin said. “And that’s when I met Lorax and Domi Dearest and Lead Foot, and they told me you and Howard were together.” Domi saw me staring. But that time he thought I was looking at Howard. He was wrong. I was interested in you, Wyatt.

  But I don’t—“But I don’t understand why you didn’t come sit with us anyway,” Wyatt said and then immediately realized he did know. It was because I was with Howard and—

  “I don’t go for guys who are in relationships.” And after that, I pretty much ignored you. Or tried to.

  “But when did that ever stop a gay man?” Wyatt asked. And then his heart started to pound.

  “It stopped me,” said Kevin. “And I don’t mess with married men. I don’t do that.” Because how could I ever have anything but a one-night stand, then?

  “But Howard and I were in an open relationship,” Wyatt said. Why did you let that stop you? We could have had so much fun!

  “Wyatt!” Kevin took a deep breath. Don’t yell at him, he told himself. Hasn’t Wyatt been yelled at enough? “I don’t do married men. I’ve told you that. I want to be more than a fun night for some guy. More than that year’s conquest.”

  “But there are guys who get together all the time. Zebra and Historical Heloise are both in relationships, but they’re together every year at Festival.” Their lovers didn’t come to Heartland Queer Men’s Festival. They hated camping.

  “Do their lovers know?” Kevin asked. From what Kevin had been able to piece together, their lovers didn’t know.

  “I… I….” Wyatt swallowed hard. “I think they’ve said that they are in relationships that are ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

  Kevin shook his head, even though Wyatt couldn’t see him in the dark. “A summer lover isn’t good enough for me, Wyatt. It’s no better than a one-night stand. I can’t do it. I want forever.”

  “Forever?” Wyatt asked. He means this. Wyatt’s heart skipped.

  “I don’t care if monogamy isn’t ‘gay.’ That’s what I want.” It was the only thing he could do. He’d tried having an open relationship. Tried it for Cauley’s sake because he loved the man so, and Cauley said he needed more. It was all a part of his activism, Cauley claimed. All a part of proving that gay men were different from straight people, and activism meant more than equal rights or the ability to get married. It meant the right to be different. In fact, Cauley had stayed out of the whole same-sex marriage movement. “Cauley said the same thing. That gay men didn’t need to be monogamous. But it killed me when I knew he was with another man. He didn’t do it often.” Or at least that’s what he claimed.

  “Don’t you think that’s ego?” Wyatt asked. “Howard said that wanting somebody all to yourself was ego. It was trying to own somebody, and no one had a right to own anyone.”

  Howard said that? wondered Kevin. “The Buddha talked about that,” Kevin said aloud and then cursed himself for getting religious—spiritual—again. “He said that owning things made us feel real and that we needed to learn we were real without having a title or property or a relationship. But he also said we should be monogamous.”

  Why? wondered Wyatt. “Why?” he said aloud. “Isn’t that about owning someone?” Tell me I am wrong. Tell me Howard was wrong. Because goddammit, that’s all I ever wanted. One man. Who wanted only me.

  “Because being with one person isn’t about owning anyone.” And it wasn’t. Kevin saw that once he let Cauley have his way. Kevin hadn’t held to his convictions. He let Cauley talk him into something he didn’t want. And in the end it destroyed me, Kevin thought. Over and over again. “Monogamy is about holding yourself to an ideal. It’s about commitment. There is power in monogamy. Ask any true celibate priest or monk who gives up sex for their beliefs. There is power in celibacy because all that energy is used for something higher. That’s what I believe monogamy
is, Wyatt. I don’t think I’m losing out on anything by committing myself to one man. I think there is power in it.”

  “Oh my gods,” Wyatt said with a gasp, heart pounding. He means this. It’s real. Just like with Sloan and Max. And Scott and Cedar. And Asher and Peni.

  The fairy tale.

  “And that is why I won’t come get in your bed, Wyatt. I’m not ever going to settle for less than what I want again.”

  Like I did, thought Wyatt.

  And then out loud. “Gods. Like I did. I settled, Kevin.”

  God, I’m not judging you, little bear, Kevin thought to himself, and then said it out loud. “I’m not judging you, sweet little bear. Little Bear.” The second time using Wyatt’s actual Faerie name. His magick name. And not just because he was a sweet little bear. “I am only telling you what I want.”

  “But it’s what I always wanted,” cried Wyatt. He all but shouted it. “And Howard convinced me, Kevin. He taught me that what I was wanting was all a fairy tale. That it wasn’t real. That I had been fucking brainwashed. And it hurt!”

  Oh God! Wyatt’s heart was pounding so hard now that it hurt. Am I having a heart attack or something? he wondered. “It hurt that what I wanted couldn’t be had!”

  One more fucking way that Howard hurt you! Kevin thought. He let you settle for less. And no one should ever settle for less than what they want.

  CHAPTER THIRTY–TWO

  “HE WAS so good to me in the beginning,” Wyatt cried. He thought of pizza at The Watering Hole when he was hungry. And seeing Howard’s altar for the first time. Happily discovering that there were people out there who really did have personal altars, just like Scott Cunningham, the gay witch, said in his books! He thought about how kind Howard had been and the way he taught him to make love. He thought about how Howard had introduced him to the gay community—but even better, the pagan community. And even better! The Radical Faerie community—queer pagans and witches and just plain old worshippers of nature. He thought about how Howard was a big strong bear and how Wyatt had always thought bears were sexy—before he even knew what “bears” were. He thought about how good the sex was. He thought about them buying a house together and making it their own.