Die of Shame

by Mark Billingham

  ‘Diana seemed to cheer up eventually. Had a face like a slapped arse when she arrived.’

  Heather nods. She had spoken to Robin and knew exactly why Diana had been so upset. ‘Can’t be easy for her, what’s going on.’

  ‘Not unheard of, is it?’ Caroline knows too, and she shrugs. ‘Horny old blokes and girls with daddy complexes.’

  Heather looks at her, a little shocked. ‘A baby, though. Must be tough.’

  ‘Well, shit happens, doesn’t it? She’s always the one who says Chris is a drama queen.’

  ‘She’s lonely,’ Heather says.

  ‘Aren’t we all?’

  They say nothing for a while, listening to the music. There’s nothing else to do, but Caroline does not seem in any hurry to leave. She says, ‘So, what about Tony, then?’

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘Turning up.’

  ‘Oh yeah. Really nice of him.’

  Caroline grins. ‘Made someone’s day.’ She stares as though she’s waiting for a reaction, but Heather just smiles and starts singing along to the chorus of a Gorillaz hit.

  ‘This the stuff you were into at college?’ Caroline asks.

  Heather nods. ‘This was always on at the clubs.’

  ‘Never went, myself. College, I mean.’

  ‘Seems like forever ago.’

  ‘Not much of a dancer, either.’ Caroline holds out her arms. ‘For obvious reasons.’

  ‘No reason you shouldn’t dance,’ Heather says. ‘It’s got nothing to do with… you know. It’s good exercise.’

  ‘Knees are buggered,’ Caroline says. ‘Even if I wanted to.’ For a few seconds she watches Heather, who is nodding her head, transported. ‘Bit of a clubber, were you, back then?’

  ‘Not really,’ Heather says. ‘I mean, sometimes.’

  Caroline smiles and nods. ‘I bet you were into all sorts.’

  ‘I wasn’t.’ Heather laughs.

  ‘I heard that you sleep with more people in those couple of years, at college or uni or whatever, than you do in the whole of the rest of your life. Main reason I wish I’d gone.’

  ‘Well nobody told me.’ Gorillaz give way to S Club 7. ‘Don’t take the piss,’ Heather says, laughing again. ‘I used to love this.’

  ‘Do you fancy going out?’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Now.’ Caroline nods, excited. ‘Why not? We could go to the pictures or something. I just got paid, so I’m happy to stump up for it.’

  ‘Sounds great, but I’m knackered,’ Heather says. ‘I think I’ll just get an early night.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ Caroline is still nodding. ‘We should do it one of the nights though.’

  ‘Definitely. Sorry…’

  Caroline is already moving towards the hall, having taken the hint, and Heather follows her out.

  ‘See you Monday, then.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You should bring some of the leftovers along. Not for me, obviously.’

  As soon as Caroline has left, Heather helps herself to another piece of her birthday cake. She puts on the Atomic Kitten song and carries the cake across to a chair. She doesn’t bother using a plate.

  The rush from the first mouthful is instant and does not fade – the sugar, and the music and that look on Tony’s face when he had held out the box to her – as she takes out her phone and starts to send him a text.

  She wants him to know just how much today has meant to her.

  Robin had gone straight from work to the party, so he collects that day’s post on his way back into the flat, drops it on the coffee table then puts an M&S risotto into the microwave. Aside from a mouthful of birthday cake, he hadn’t eaten a lot at Heather’s; unable to stomach too much of that cheap party crap. He lays out a plate and fork on the small table in the kitchen and checks his watch.

  Half an hour until Suzi is due to arrive.

  The party had been OK, and Robin has always prided himself on his ability to talk to anyone, but he couldn’t honestly say that he’d enjoyed himself. Even though he never feels like the oldest at the sessions, the music and the dancing had set him a little apart from most of the others. All that silliness. It wasn’t surprising that he’d spent most of the time talking to Diana. She usually made a beeline for him, even when they were just doing the tea and biscuits thing before a session started. Truth be told, she was starting to get on his nerves. All that whining, all that me, me, me.

  In the end, he’d stayed no longer than he’d absolutely had to. He hadn’t wanted to offend Heather.

  He walks into the bedroom and checks that everything is ready. He smooths out the duvet and straightens the book that is sitting on his bedside table; lays his glasses on the top. Stupid really, that he takes so much trouble. Suzi and her colleagues probably spend most of their time working in places that make his little flat look like the Ritz.

  They must feel right at home here, Robin thinks. It’s more like a hotel room than anything.

  He checks that everything he needs is in the drawer by the bed – the toys, what have you – looks to be sure he has enough cash in his wallet, then goes back into the living room and flicks through the post while he’s waiting for his dinner to cook.

  As much junk mail as ever, a credit card statement he does not bother to look at, and it’s only the white, hand-addressed envelope that appears to be of any interest. He tears it open and removes the single sheet of paper that’s inside. He unfolds it, then sits down, ignoring the ping of the microwave.

  The letters aren’t cut out of newspapers, but they might just as well be.

  Scrawled capitals…

  HOW BAD WOULD IT BE IF YOUR FRIENDS AT THE HOSPITAL FOUND OUT WHAT YOU'D DONE?

  HOW MUCH WOULD IT BE WORTH TO STOP THAT HAPPENING?

  FIVE HUNDRED QUID, DO YOU RECKON?

  Robin is still staring at the note, sweating and furious, when his doorbell rings.

  … THEN

  They talk about the party and what a great time they all had, though it doesn’t escape Tony’s attention that Diana is tense and Robin seems unusually muted. Instead of biscuits they eat some of the leftover sausage rolls and mini pizzas that Heather has brought along, and when they finally take their places in the circle Tony says, ‘That’s a very nice way to start the session.’ He opens his notepad and looks around. ‘And hopefully Heather’s party will have been the high point of a good week for everyone. Yes?’

  ‘Fantastic week,’ Heather says. ‘Thanks to you. To all of you.’

  There are the usual nods and murmurs of affirmation from the others, but before Tony has a chance to note down the response, Diana is speaking up.

  ‘A good week in the sense of staying clean and sober, absolutely,’ she says. ‘But otherwise a particularly shitty one.’

  ‘OK.’ Tony waits.

  ‘Well, the woman my husband chose to leave me for has got herself pregnant.’

  ‘I don’t think she got herself pregnant,’ Chris says.

  Diana ignores him. ‘It’s utterly horrendous and to make matters worse my daughter’s antipathy towards me has only worsened. I didn’t think the situation could be any more intolerable, but it looks like I was wrong.’

  ‘You’ve done well to come through it,’ Tony says.

  ‘I’m not sure I have.’

  ‘In terms of not drinking, I mean.’

  ‘Well, if I began drinking again, she’d really have won, wouldn’t she?’

  ‘Didn’t we go through all this at the party?’ Robin says, suddenly. He undoes the top button of his shirt. He is sweating a little. ‘It’s all you talked about.’

  Diana turns and stares at him. ‘Yes, but as you said yourself, that wasn’t a session, was it?’

  ‘Felt like it.’

  ‘I think Robin’s got a point though,’ Caroline says. ‘Do we really want to listen to you moaning about your ex-husband and his girlfriend any more?’ She smiles at Diana. ‘I’m sorry if that sounds mean.’

  ‘I
agree,’ Robin says.

  ‘Broken bloody record,’ Chris says.

  Diana looks to Tony. ‘My relationship with my daughter is the most important thing in the world to me and it feels like it’s been stolen. This is my “here and now” and I thought that’s what you wanted us to talk about.’

  It’s not the first time Diana has misinterpreted an important principle of Tony’s work in the sessions. ‘The “here and now” literally means that,’ he says. ‘Here and now. What’s happening in the group, what’s going on between the members of the group, and not what’s happening to any individual outside it. Their feelings about what you’re talking about are precisely the “here and now” and I can’t ignore them.’ He looks to Chris, to Caroline, to Robin. ‘There are some fairly strong feelings, by the sound of it.’

  ‘I need to talk about this.’

  ‘This is group therapy, Diana, not individual counselling with people watching. It’s not a one-to-one session with an audience.’

  Diana says, ‘Fine.’ She sits back and folds her arms like a scolded schoolgirl. ‘Whatever’s best for the group, obviously.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Tony says. ‘I am looking forward to hearing from you later on, though.’

  Caroline looks at Diana. ‘Your turn tonight, is it?’ She widens her eyes. ‘Another tale of shame.’

  ‘If Diana thinks it will be useful.’

  Diana says nothing.

  Tony waits to see if anyone has anything else to contribute, then says, ‘I’m wondering if you’re OK, Robin.’

  Robin says, ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘You do seem a bit stressed,’ Heather says. ‘Everything all right?’

  Everyone is looking at him. He is bolt upright in his chair, knuckles white against the armrests. He nods and says, ‘Stressed is perhaps putting it a bit mildly. What I’m trying to do right now is keep a good deal of real anger in check and it’s not easy, I promise you.’

  Tony can see it. ‘So, I’m wondering where that anger’s coming from?’

  Robin stares at the floor and shakes his head for a few moments. Then he looks up again and his eyes have narrowed. ‘It’s about feeling betrayed. It’s about being threatened, because frankly there isn’t any other word for it.’ Now, his hands are fists, bouncing against his knees. ‘And the ugly truth is that someone in this circle knows exactly what I’m talking about.’

  The others begin looking around.

  Caroline says, ‘Who you on about?’

  ‘What’s happened?’ Heather asks.

  Tony is quick to raise a hand. ‘OK… I have to hold myself partially responsible for this, because I’ve been happy to encourage a degree of socialising outside the sessions… but now clearly an issue of some sort has arisen.’ He looks around. Robin is staring at Chris. ‘When there is tension between people that has developed in their own time, it simply can’t be allowed to come to a head within the circle.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Robin says.

  Tony hasn’t finished. ‘It’s very serious. Something like this is simply not fair to those who aren’t involved.’

  Chris stares back at Robin and holds up his hands. ‘What are you looking at me for?’

  ‘At the risk of sounding like a pub landlord,’ Tony says, ‘you really have to take this outside. I don’t mean now, either. Whatever’s going on, it needs to be resolved, but not in group. I can’t control what happens in your own time, but perhaps I need to seriously reconsider the policy of group members’ meeting up during the week, certainly in terms of my best advice.’ He shakes his head and begins writing in his notebook.

  Caroline says, ‘Was it always like this?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Diana asks.

  ‘I’m starting to wonder if this is something to do with me, that’s all. Me joining the group.’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ Heather says.

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ Tony says. ‘Yes, any new member will naturally change the dynamic of a group to an extent, but it’s always been… feisty.’

  ‘Feisty?’ Caroline shakes her head. ‘Bloody hell.’

  Tony lets the silence hang for a few moments, then looks at Robin. ‘I’d like to move on, if everyone’s OK with that.’

  ‘Understood,’ Robin says. ‘I didn’t mean to disrupt things.’

  Tony nods and looks to his left, but Chris just shakes his head, still apparently confused. It has begun to rain outside, noisy against the glass all around them.

  Tony tries to instigate a general discussion about the positive effects of happy memories, but only Caroline and Heather seem enthused. Heather says that having the rest of the group there to celebrate her birthday will be a happy memory to look back on and Caroline talks for a while about a camping holiday with her mum and dad when she was a girl.

  Tony winds the discussion up after fifteen minutes or so, and looks at Diana. He says, ‘So what do you think, Diana? Is there a story you’d like to share?’

  ‘Well, only if it’s all right with everyone,’ she says, through a thin smile. ‘I don’t want to get on anyone’s nerves more than I already have.’

  Heather leans towards her. ‘Don’t be like that.’

  ‘It’s always counter-productive to harbour a grudge,’ Tony says.

  ‘Nobody was trying to be nasty.’ Caroline looks around the circle. ‘Were they?’

  Robin manages to summon a smile. ‘Of course not.’

  ‘It’s just about mixing things up a bit. It would be like me talking about my bloody diet all the time. How boring would that be?’

  Chris nods and yawns theatrically. ‘Right. Or me banging on about my numerous sexual conquests.’ He grins. ‘OK, bad example.’

  Diana says, ‘Well, all right, then,’ but her body language belies her apparent reluctance and Tony can tell that she is itching to talk. ‘It goes back to when I was a lot younger.’ She glances at Robin. ‘Rather like yours. Back to when I was at school.’

  ‘Private school?’ Chris asks.

  Heather looks at him. ‘Who cares what kind of school it was?’

  ‘Yes, private,’ Diana says. ‘But that’s not strictly relevant, because what happened goes on at every school.’

  Tony throws a warning glance at Chris, who is clearly desperate to make some remark about sex and bike sheds. He nods at Diana to continue, his pen poised.

  ‘There was a girl at my school who was not exactly everybody’s favourite, shall we say. Not hugely popular, not good at games or particularly bright or anything. She was big, you know?’ She looks at Caroline. ‘Not… big… I mean she was tall for her age, a bit clumsy.’ She sits back and clears her throat. ‘She wasn’t exactly thrilled about any of this, so she took it out on other girls. Girls who were that bit younger, who she thought were prettier than she was. She was a bully, basically, and she was clever about it. Sly, you know?

  ‘There was hair-pulling and pinching and that kind of thing, but it was never when there were others around to see it. Sometimes it was worse than that. A compass in the back of the leg, breaking other girls’ things, taking money from them… and sometimes, when she really got angry, the violence would… escalate. Kicks and slaps and so on.’ Diana’s hand moves slowly to her face and presses. ‘You could see the marks of her fingers afterwards, the outline of it…

  ‘It was the emotional stuff that was the worst though. That’s what she was really good at. Turning one girl against another, or two against one, then standing back to watch them tearing each other to pieces. She could make someone cry with very little effort. She had a talent for it. She would seek out the weaknesses in those girls who seemed to have everything going for them and just… reduce them. A couple of the girls she targeted had to leave in the end. She was actually proud of that, if you can believe it. Better than being popular or being in the hockey team or whatever.’

  She lets out a long breath and swallows hard. ‘She was truly vile. Back then, there wasn’t such a fuss made about bullying, so the stupid thing is s
he got away with it. For years, she got away with it.’

  After a moment or two she looks at Tony, to let him know that she’s finished, but he is busy writing.

  ‘That’s horrible,’ Caroline says. ‘I hate bullies. They’re basically just cowards.’

  ‘Why didn’t you ever tell anyone?’ Heather asks.

  Tony looks up. ‘I think Diana is trying to tell us that she was the bully.’ He looks across. ‘Correct, Diana?’

  She nods.

  ‘I got that,’ Chris says, pleased. ‘I’d worked that out.’

  The others are looking at Diana. Robin leans across. ‘Well, cowardly or not back then, that was brave,’ he says. ‘Thanks for telling us.’

  Tony closes his notebook. ‘I’m wondering, Diana, bearing in mind what you wanted to talk about at the start of the session, if you think it’s relevant that the girls you targeted back then were younger than you. Younger and prettier, you said. Is that something you’d agree is worth thinking about?’

  Diana smiles. ‘It’s something I think about every day,’ she says.

  Chris folds his arms and lets out a whistle. ‘Well, I’d be worried,’ he says, ‘if I was that young piece your ex-husband’s got up the duff. Seriously, I’d be shitting myself.’ He looks around. ‘I’d be watching out for a compass in the back of my leg.’

  … THEN

  On a different night, they might have kicked things off by pulling Diana’s story apart, demanding more detail from her, more disclosure. The session would have continued, albeit more informally and without its leader. The mood around the pub table is that little bit darker tonight though, the conversation subdued and unusually prosaic.

  Heads are down.

  Diana is all but wrung out, or giving a good impression of it. She chips in now and again, nods and smiles, but to all intents and purposes, she is elsewhere. Next to her, Robin contributes even less than she does. Though there is a drink in front of him, he has not touched it and he does not react when Heather or Caroline looks towards him or provides a verbal cue that he might normally pick up on, trying and failing to drag him into the conversation. He is animated only briefly, once every few minutes or so, when he turns to look at Chris, who is busy at the fruit machine on the other side of the pub.