We’d spent a companionable couple of hours in the coffee shop discussing areas of the country she wanted to see, Mac versus PC, recycling, our tour, and her plans to apply for full-time editing positions. We’d even jotted down some rough lyrics for a song I planned on sharing with the guys.
“What did your bandmates say about you coming here?” They didn’t exactly know where I was.
“Not much.” I sighed. “Things have been… strained between us lately.”
“Why?” Watching where she stepped, she only glanced my way briefly as we walked through Boston Common on our way to Boston Public Garden.
The innocence in her eyes wasn’t something I wanted to destroy, so I weighed my words. “Aiden, our lead guitarist, and I had a falling out and it kind of put Dominic and Levi in the middle. It was stupid, but I can’t get him to talk to me so we can try to fix it.”
“Doesn’t that make it difficult to play as a cohesive unit?” Perceptive to the core, she hit the nail on the head.
“Very. I think that’s one reason why when I said I was leaving for a couple days no one bitched. The tension was getting painful and something had to give. I’m going to try to talk to him again when I get back.” Not that I knew what to say or do to fix my colossal fuckup.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I hope you get everything ironed out.” The brilliance of her smile and her gloved hand slipping into mine had me forgetting what we were even talking about.
“Thank you.” Sidestepping the small group that stopped in front of us to look at the ice skaters, we kept walking. “I bet this is pretty at night.”
“Oh, it is. It’s beautiful, really. Too bad you have to leave before it gets dark.”
Though I knew she didn’t mean anything by it, her words put a damper on my cheer. The clock was ticking, and I didn’t want to leave. “Yeah.”
“Maybe you could come back before Christmas?” Hopefulness colored her words, and it made me feel like a piece of shit to have to burst that bubble.
“I wish, but we have performances up until two days before Christmas with travel in between, and then my family is expecting me.” I’d never wanted to bail on my family more than in that moment. Except I knew it would break my mom’s heart and I’d already disappointed her enough lately.
“Oh. Okay.” Sadness crept into her tone.
“What are you doing for Christmas? I can’t believe we haven’t discussed that. Are you going home to see your family? Maybe we could meet up for coffee at Analog for old times’ sake if you are.” The thought of seeing her again within the next few weeks brought a smile to my face.
Though it was nearly imperceptible, she stiffened. “No. I won’t be going back.”
“For Christmas or ever?” Come to think of it, she’d never discussed her family. I didn’t even know if she had siblings, if both her parents were alive, nothing.
“Ever if I can help it.”
“Damn, not even for me?” She sounded adamant and final. The thought of never having her be back in Seattle was depressing.
“Like you’re even there anymore,” she scoffed.
“We’re still based there. That’s where we spend our off-time. It was part of the agreement that we made with each other in the beginning—that we’d never move to LA or some other celebrity Mecca.” An idea was forming in my mind that went against everything I’d told myself about keeping her separate from the other half of my life.
“Mmm.” Her noncommittal response had me wondering why she was so against going home.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters? I can’t believe I’ve never asked.”
“I have a younger brother.” The tip of her lips told me she was fond of him.
“How old is he? Do you see him much?” It was hard not to ask her a million questions. I suddenly wanted to know everything about her.
“He just turned twenty-one. He’ll graduate from college next year, but I have no idea what he’s going to do. He’s getting some kind of engineering degree.” Her shoulders rose in a shrug.
“What about your parents?”
If I thought she stiffened before, that question brought about a significant change in her. Her hand disentangled from mine and she crossed her arms tight over her chest. The silence that followed had me stopping to face her.
“Hey. I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t know it was a sore subject for you. Honest.” The last thing I wanted to do was ruin the little bit of time we had left together.
“No, it’s okay. I’d rather not talk about them. Let’s just say we don’t speak.”
“Fair enough. I’m sorry.”
Pasting a big smile on her face, she inhaled deeply. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault or problem. It’s mine. I’m good.”
As we continued walking, snow began to fall, landing silently on top of the layer that fell last night. Grabbing her arm, I gently pulled her toward the open area near the trees. “Make a snow angel with me.”
Laughing, she looked at me like I was crazy. “What? No. We’ll get in trouble.”
“With who? Is it against the law in Boston to make snow angels?” Chuckling, I continued to tug her along. Though she was laughingly protesting, she followed behind me.
Once we’d gotten far enough off the path, I lay carefully in the new snow. “Come on! Lay next to me!” Something about her made me carefree and playful, both feelings that had become foreign to me without something running through my veins.
Scanning the area, she shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” But she lay down so our hands were touching.
Giggling, she moved her arms and legs the same as I was. When we were both satisfied we’d created the perfect swipes, we stood and surveyed our creations. Side by side, the two vacancies in the snow were joined. One big, one small.
With a grin, I pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket and took a pic of our creation. Then I pulled her close and held my phone up. “Smile.”
First she crossed her eyes and stuck her tongue out. Naturally I had to capture that. “Okay another one. Now smile, or else.”
“Or else what?” Laughing, she looked up at me and I took that pic too. I bumped her with my hip.
“Or else I’ll have to show you who the tickling champion really is—right here. And if you pee yourself, it won’t be because you weren’t warned.” She cracked up, then did as I told her to.
Grinning like mad, we both stared at the phone as I took a good three or four pics. “There. Was that so hard?”
“Terrible,” she deadpanned, then chuckled. “Now send those to me.”
“You can’t post them, you know?” The last thing I wanted was the media or anyone to invade her privacy.
“Logan. I wouldn’t! I’m not some glory seeker looking for fame on your coattails, you know.” Hurt filled her eyes, and I once again felt like an ass.
“That’s not what I meant.” Pulling her into my arms, I hugged her tight. “I don’t want you to lose your privacy because of me and our friendship.”
“Someone could recognize you at any moment, Logan. So are we going to never go out in public? Though I appreciate it, I’m a big girl and you don’t need to worry about me like that.” That was easy for her to say; she’d never had people trying to take pictures or video of her as she tried to take a piss.
“Trust me when I tell you, enjoy your life as it is.”
Pressing her hands to my chest, she leaned back to meet my gaze. “You think I’m not enjoying my life? Logan, I made a promise to myself to live every single moment like it’s my last. That was one reason why I came here to Boston. My bucket list is a mile long. I plan to travel, see things that most people don’t see, do things most people think are crazy. I want a wonderful life.” The light in her eyes as she spoke lit my soul, and I was thankful that she was in my life.
“I want that for you. I want you to have everything. And if there’s ever anything I can do to make that happen, you let me know.” And I meant t
hat from the bottom of my heart. In a short period of time she had become my best friend in the world. I was pretty sure I’d do anything for her.
Her head rested on my chest as she reached back around and hugged me tight. It only lasted a brief moment before she stepped back and her lips quirked up. “I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know.”
Knowing I was running short on time, I chanced a quick glance at my watch. Closing my eyes against the realization that we needed to head back, I exhaled sharply.
“It’s that time, isn’t it?” When I opened my eyes, hers mirrored the emotion deep within me.
“Yeah. I need to grab my bag from your place and head to the airport.” Though I really didn’t want to. Thinking about boarding that plane and leaving her there had my anxiety escalating to a near unbearable pitch.
Fuck.
“I was afraid of that. Okay, let’s head back.” The only good part of having to leave was that she grabbed my hand again.
On the walk to her place she filled me in on the places she wanted to visit, and I made mental notes to try to get her to as many of those places as I could.
Her roommate was home when we got there and stared at us with raised eyebrows the entire two minutes it took us to grab my bag off her bed.
“I’ll be back later, Kinsley.” Stella waved and quickly closed the door.
The ride on the subway to the airport was too fucking short, and with every second that whizzed by I wanted to reach out to stop the train. Freeze time. Steal five more minutes.
By the time we arrived at the airport, I was trembling inside. On the surface, I probably looked the same. No one would know that inside I was screaming, thrashing, and wanting to crawl out of my skin.
I needed a fucking drink to calm my nerves. Or a hit of something. Goddammit.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Well, I guess this is goodbye, huh?” At her words, I realized we were standing at the TSA check-in. My stomach revolted.
“Fuck. Yeah, this is me.” Feet frozen to the floor, I couldn’t move. Didn’t want to.
“Well….” She sighed. “Safe travels.” Swallowing hard, she looked down.
Needing to see her bright blue eyes one more time, I tipped her face back up, only to see tears shimmering in them. “Hey. Don’t be sad.” Easier said than done. “This isn’t goodbye. I’ll see you again soon. Well, as soon as I can, anyway.”
“I know. And don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad you came. It was one of the best surprises of my life. Thank you.” The watery smile she gave me nearly had my knees buckling.
“Sir, are you flying today?” The TSA agent’s interruption was timely.
“Wish it could’ve been longer. Dammit, I need to get going.” Before I could think too much about what I was doing, I leaned down and brushed a soft kiss to her lips. Then I handed my ID to the attendant, who sent me through to remove my shoes and toss my bag in a gray bucket.
Chancing a quick peek back, I saw her still standing in the same place with her fingertips on her lips and eyes wide. People passed her in either direction, but she still remained immobile.
I don’t know why I did it. It simply seemed like I needed to.
Heart hammering, I went through security, grabbed my shit, and rushed toward my gate. After that last stolen glimpse of her, I didn’t look back again.
Dodging travelers, I noticed the men’s room sign as I made my way down the hallway. Slipping into the bathroom, I locked myself in a stall.
Then I proceeded to puke my fucking guts out.
Spitting the awful taste out long after I was done, I finally stood and pressed my face to the cool tiled wall.
There was no thought of how nasty a bathroom wall could be. No thought of germs, disease, or safety.
With shaking hands, I hung my backpack on the hook and unzipped the small pocket on the inside. Pulling out the prescription bottle that I paid good money for, I shook two of the white pills into my hand.
Fingers trembling, I stared at them.
You don’t need them.
But you’ll feel so much better if you take them.
They’re tearing you apart.
This can be the last time.
This is the shit that’s ruining your life.
“I’ll throw the rest away when I get home,” I whispered as I tossed them back and swallowed them dry.
Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I exited the stall, washed my hands, and splashed cold water on my face.
After patting it dry, I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. Averting my eyes as fast as I could, I shoved my ball cap on and the pair of nonprescription glasses I carried. The judgement in my reflection’s eyes was too hard to face.
It only took me a few more minutes to reach my gate. Dropping into a vacant seat, I pulled out my phone. As the languid, buoyant sensation I’d craved crept in, I opened the pictures I’d taken in the park.
Beautiful eyes the color of the sky in summer stared back at me. Clear and bright, they centered me. Absently, I traced the curve of her cheek.
By the time I was in my first-class seat, I was at peace and floating with memories of her laughter circling me. Her scent lingered on my jacket from when she’d hugged me, and I buried my nose in it as I settled in to sleep the flight away.
My last conscious thought was of her. I wondered how long I could keep her before I destroyed her too.
“Give A Little Bit”—The Goo Goo Dolls
The day he left I must have stood outside the airport checkpoint forever. No shit, I’m telling you, I was in a complete and total daze.
It was an innocent, sweet kiss, but it was also so much more. At least to me. No, I wasn’t fool enough to think it meant anything deep or meaningful to him, but God did I want it to.
Which was exactly why I would never mention it to him. If I had to live my life in a sort of purgatory in order to have him in it, then I was okay with that.
Sure, I made a promise to myself to live my life to the absolute fullest, and that included a family—husband, kids, the works. And I would have that one day. Except, deep in my heart I knew there would never be anyone like him.
I’d be settling if I started a relationship with anyone else. I’d keep praying for that person to come along… the one who would push my unrequited feelings for Logan MacKenzie out of my head. Someone who would knock me for a loop and steal my heart and soul. But I wouldn’t hold my breath for it.
Speak of the devil.
Logan: Can I call you?
Me: I’m on the subway on my way home from work. That would be weird.
Logan: Damn
Me: I’ll be home in like thirty minutes or so. Want me to call you?
Logan: Yeah. I need to ask you something.
Me: Should I be scared? :p
Logan: Yes. Be scared. Be very very scared lol
Me: lol. K talk soon
The train stopped and people got off while new ones got on. No one made eye contact. Where was everyone’s Christmas spirit?
My eyes wandered along the passengers, down the aisle and back. If I caught anyone’s eye, they quickly looked away. Most had their faces glued to a phone or a tablet. The sheer gloom inside the train was oppressive.
Suffocating.
Maybe it was time for me to look into moving. After all, what did I really have holding me in Boston now that I’d finished school?
Though I loved the old city, I wanted to travel. The thought of being like Logan and tossing a backpack on and leaving was so tempting. Even if it was only for a weekend.
I’d submitted my resume for a paid editing position with a prominent editing and publishing company in Australia and had a phone interview. If I got the job, I would be able to work from anywhere.
As the train slowed, the squeal of the brakes and the roll of the wheels on the rails preceded the doors opening with a whoosh. The sea of bodies flowed through the doors at the DTX.
Like a tide, they flooded to the surface where t
hey dispersed among the already crowded sidewalks.
What would it be like to live in a small town where everyone knew you and smiled as you passed? Did that kind of thing even exist anymore? Maybe it was all Hollywood bullshit these days. Maybe I wouldn’t want everyone knowing my business.
Either way, I wanted to find out. Maybe if I moved somewhere a little smaller, but not tiny.
My thoughts carried me home, and before I knew it, I was entering my front door. “Kinsley?”
No answer.
Not surprising. She was rarely home now that she’d started modeling full-time. A seed of jealousy started to sprout at her ability to do whatever she wanted without a thought to her bills. Before it could develop deep roots, I squashed it.
So what if she was born willowy, beautiful, and wealthy?
It had nothing to do with me. Besides, I’d made it this far on my own. My tuition had been paid by my full-ride scholastic scholarship. I’d be graduating with honors from a pretty prestigious college.
I was a fighter.
A survivor.
No, I didn’t own any of the furniture in the apartment, since we’d rented it furnished, but that was less to pack up when I decided it was time to go.
The LED clock on the stove glowed with the time. If I hurried, I had time to shower before I called Logan back. Digging my phone out of my bag, I shot off a message.
Me: Jumping in the shower really quick. Give me about ten minutes and I’ll call you?
Logan: Perfect
Hurrying, I dropped my stuff on the bed, stripped, and took a brief shower, just long enough to wash my hair, rinse off, and get out.
I’d barely gotten the towel wrapped around myself when my phone vibrated on the counter.
The picture of me laughing up at him flashed on the screen with a FaceTime request. Swiping the screen, I couldn’t keep the grin from my face. He made me that happy—and that was dangerous. Shoving the thought aside, I answered.
“Hey you. How was the last concert?” At first I thought our connection was bad because he didn’t say anything and appeared frozen with his eyebrows raised.
No Treble Allowed: A Straight Wicked Novel Page 5