Six Bad Things

by Charlie Huston

  —So you brought Sid.

  —So I brought Sid. Killin’ time is hard time. And, if we get caught? Hard time is not in my plans. Sid can take that heat.

  I don’t say anything to the man in front of me, the man I used to go fishing with in Mexico.

  —Dudes!

  Rolf looks over the seat into the front of the bus.

  —What’s up?

  —We need gas. Baker’s right up here. I’m gonna pull off. And, dudes, we can check out the World’s Tallest Thermometer.

  I stay in the back and look at Rolf’s day pack and think about the guns in it.

  SID PULLS off the I-5 onto Baker Boulevard, into the heart and soul of Baker. That heart and soul is an expanse of tarmac that hosts the Mad Greek, the “Original” Bun Boy, the Country Store (“the Luckiest Lotto Dealer in California”), and the Will’s Fargo, Bun Boy, and Arne’s Royal Hawaiian motels. All have a great view of the thermometer. Then again, all of Baker has a view of the hundred-and-thirty-four-foot thermometer.

  —Sid?

  —Dude?

  —Isn’t this stop playing against the plan to keep moving?

  —Dude, we need gas. Oh, man, check it out!

  He’s pointing at the thermometer.

  —I’m gonna get a picture.

  He grabs a disposable camera from the glove box and jumps out of the VW. We watch as he runs to the base of the thermometer, stands with his back to it, holds the camera at waist level, pointing it up at himself, and clicks a picture. Then he runs back and jumps in.

  —That is gonna be rad.

  He pulls the bus under the brightly lighted awning of a Shell station.

  —Uh, dudes, I could kinda use some gas money.

  Rolf pats his pockets, ignoring the seventy-five grand wrapped around his middle.

  —Yeah, dude, I’m kinda tapped too.

  I reach in my pocket. After buying the BMW, I have just under four thousand left. I take five hundred off the roll and hold the cash out to Sid.

  —For travel expenses.

  —Dude, you sure?

  —Yeah.

  —You are so cool. Thanks, dude.

  He hops out to fill that tank and climbs back in a couple minutes later.

  —Dude in the station says we got to have a strawberry shake at that Mad Greek place. How ’bout it? My treat, seein’ as I’m flush.

  He parks at the far end of the lot, away from the lights, and goes in for the shakes. I get out and stand, stretching my cramped limbs and trying to walk the stiffness out of the wound in my left thigh. My head is still goofy. If I turn it too quickly everything blurs and I have to wait for all the ghost images to catch up with the real world. But my stomach has settled and I’m looking forward to my shake.

  Sid comes back. I slide the side door of the bus open, sit on the floor with my feet hanging out, and sip my shake. Rolf stays in the front seat, sucking hard on his straw. Sid is pacing back and forth in front of me, drinking his shake and trying not to look like he’s watching me, but he is.

  I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to talk to him. But I need him to like me. I need it to be harder for him to kill me, if it comes to that. When it comes to that.

  —Sid, why don’t you sit down?

  —That’s cool, dude, I’m OK.

  —You’re making me a little nervous, have a seat.

  He shrugs and sits next to me, leaving as much room as possible between us. He kicks his feet against the tarmac, takes a sip, and lifts his shake.

  —Good, huh?

  —Yeah.

  —Yeah.

  There’s a loud gurgling slurp as Rolf hits the bottom of his shake. He climbs out of the bus and points at the Mad Greek.

  —I’m gonna piss, dudes. Then we roll.

  Sid bobs his head.

  —Dude, yeah, we, like, still have to find a spot to bury the clothes and shit. I mean, that’s cool right, Hank? That’s the way to do it?

  —Yeah, sure.

  Rolf walks toward the restaurant. Sid watches him disappear inside. He sucks some shake into his straw, pulls the straw from the waxed paper cup, and shoots a stream of shake onto the ground. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye.

  —It’s OK, dude.

  —What’s that?

  —If you think I’m a freak. Like the story of my life. Whatever.

  He leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees, fills his straw with shake again, and starts Pollocking little abstracts on the ground between his feet.

  —I don’t think you’re a freak, Sid. I just don’t know what you’re doing here.

  He shrugs.

  —I don’t know.

  —Is it the money?

  Thinking about his cabinet of fetishes, knowing already it is not about the money for this guy. He shakes his head, hard.

  —No, dude, I don’t want your money, man. I mean, like, I like money. I’m not that big a freak, but.

  He takes another sip of his shake, then pulls the top off and dumps the rest of it on the ground, obliterating his design.

  —What, Sid?

  He crumples up the cup, throws it in some bushes alongside the parking lot, stands up and faces me.

  —I don’t want your money, dude. I want to be a part of something. I just, like. Like, when Rolf told me he needed help finding someone, and there was cashish in it, I was all, Totally, I’m in. But then, when I found out it was you? Dude! I was, like, all, No way! I’m . . . I am such a freak, and I’ve never done anything. I mean, if I told you, if I told you just how fucked up, how stupid my life is, dude, you just wouldn’t fucking believe. But you? You’re this totally famous dude! You’ve done so much with your life. When I found out Rolf knew you and all, I just wanted, I just wanted to meet you and. I just wanted to help out, do my part and be a part of something for once. Be a part of something important, dude. Like when, dude, when I shot that cop? That was, that was, it was so ir-fucking-revocable. That was real. I was all, This is me now doing this and I can’t take it back. And I totally felt it. In the moment. More than anything I’ve ever done in my life. More than fucking or getting high or holding up a gas station or even catching a monster wave, dude. I mean, I’ve been dreaming about a feeling that real my whole life. And I got to feel that because of you.

  He kicks at nothing, hard.

  —Dude! I’m sorry. I’m not trying to freak you out, but I am like such a fan and I just think you are so cool and I can’t change that, you know? And this is just such an amazing experience for me. Shaaaw! I am such a geek.

  He stands there in front of me, staring at the ground, too embarrassed to look up. Behind him, through the windows of the Mad Greek, I can see Rolf coming out of the bathroom.

  I can do this.

  Mom and Dad.

  I can do this.

  —Actually, man.

  Sid looks up a little.

  —Actually. I think that’s pretty cool, Sid.

  A smile cracks across his face.

  —Dude?

  —I think it’s pretty cool that you want to be a part of something, that you have ambition. And, you know, I’ve never had a fan before.

  He comes over and sits back down, close to me this time.

  —Never had a fan? Oh, dude, you have no idea! Online? There are, like, sites just for you, just for people to chat about you. Like, never had a fan? Uh-uh. Huge fan base, dude.

  Rolf exits the restaurant.

  —That’s cool, maybe you can show me sometime.

  —Dude!

  —Let’s chill for now. Rolf’s gonna give us both a hard time if he hears this shit. Call us fags.

  —No worries, dude.

  He looks from my face to where Rolf is approaching, and back at me.

  —But, dude, you know I’m totally not.

  —What?

  —A fag.

  Rolf walks up and stands in front of us. Sid spurts out a nervous laugh. Rolf looks at him.

  —What?

  Sid shakes
his head.

  —Nothing, dude.

  He laughs again.

  —Dude, what up?

  Still laughing, Sid nods, waves his hand, climbs into the bus, gets behind the wheel, and starts the engine. Rolf leans close to me.

  —Dude, I like the little dude, but he is kinda freaky, ain’t he?

  THERE’S A checkpoint at the state line. The lights appear on the horizon and we figure what it must be before we get there. Sid slows down, but keeps driving toward it. Rolf climbs in the back, pulls the foam pad off of the bench/bed at the back of the bus. There’s a shallow depression underneath and the underside of the pad has been carved out to create extra storage space. Rolf grabs the sleeping bags currently occupying this space and tosses them on the floor.

  —Dude, can you fit in here?

  I peek in the cramped space.

  —Uh, maybe I should just stay up here, put on a hat and.

  —They have your picture, dude.

  —They’re not looking for three guys in a.

  —You been listening to Sid? We don’t know what they’re looking for.

  Sid is nodding.

  —Dude is right. If they’re looking for a Westy, we’re fucked no matter what. Otherwise, you’re the wanted man.

  Rolf tosses the guns from his day pack into the stash space.

  —Even if they search us, there’s a good chance they won’t find you in there.

  —Let’s just turn around.

  The lights are bright now. Sid’s shaking his head.

  —Too late for that, dude. They see us flip a bitch here and we’ll have to pull a Smokey and the Bandit in this thing. No way.

  Rolf is holding the pad up.

  —In, dude.

  —Maaan.

  —Dude, who’s the professional people smuggler?

  I climb in, kick the guns to the bottom of the space, and try to make myself flat. Rolf stuffs a couple sweatshirts around my head.

  —What the hell are those for?

  —In case a cop decides to sit on you.

  —Oh, fuck you, man.

  He laughs and drops the pad.

  I’M NOT claustrophobic, but I do a pretty good impersonation of someone who is. It’s not so much small places that I’m afraid of as being restrained. I wasn’t born with this fear, it’s just that it reminds me of being gagged with a dirty sock, pinned to a bed, and tortured. That is something I have experience with, and I don’t expect to be getting over it. Ever. I looked it up once. There’s no name for my specific association, but there’s something called merinthophobia: the fear of being bound or tied. Being packed into a shallow depression and having a foam pad stuffed on top of you may not count as binding or tying, but it will do in a pinch. So I think skinny thoughts, try not to breathe too much, and eke what oxygen I can through the foam.

  I HEAR the engine vibrating right under me and the squeak of the brakes as we stop. There are some sounds that might be voices, and then the bus is moving again, pulling forward. Fuckin’ A, that wasn’t too bad. We’re through.

  The bus swings to the right, stops, and the engine cuts out.

  My heart starts trying to slam a hole in my chest. I suck air, oxygenating my blood like a diver, knowing what’s coming.

  The weight in the bus shifts. I hear two bangs: Sid and Rolf climbing out and slamming the doors. A gliding shiver, another bang, another lurch of the bus: the side door being pulled open and a cop climbing in. I stop breathing.

  One. Two. Three. Four.

  I’m counting. That’s a bad idea. Counting will just make me think about how long I’m holding my breath. I should think about something else. Calm thoughts. The beach. I picture my place at the beach. Palm trees waving, waves lapping. One wave. Two waves. Three waves.

  Stop it.

  Voices now.

  —Mumble mumble in that cabinet?

  Has to be a cop.

  —Mumble here.

  Rolf.

  How close are they if I can tell what they’re saying? One foot? Two feet? Three feet? Stop it!

  —In that bag mumble?

  —Mumble laundry mumble mumble.

  —Under mumble there mumble?

  Under? Under what? The rug? Are these guys looking for a fugitive or just hassling Rolf and Sid? Under? Fuck! The bench/bed is the top of a low cabinet.

  —Mumble look mumble in there?

  —Sure, dude.

  Fuck you, Rolf.

  I can hear it, I can feel it: the cop kneeling on the floor inches from me, popping open the cabinet doors, shining his flashlight inside, digging around right under me, trying to find something that will make his evening more interesting.

  He’s digging and digging. One. Two. Three. I need to breathe. I have to move. I can’t be held down like this. I shift a quarter inch to the left and something pokes me in the side. Pictures in my head: being forced facedown on my bed, a man sitting on my legs, pulling out surgical staples, digging holes in my back. One. Two. Three. Stop! Please stop!

  I feel pressure on top of the pad. Two hands on my stomach as the cop uses the bed to push himself up. All the remaining air is forced from my lungs.

  —Thanks mumble.

  And I open my mouth wide and suck and gasp.

  Out! I need out!

  —No mumble worries.

  I shove the pad off. It flops silently to the floor as the door slides shut and bangs tight behind the exiting officer. Rolf glances back at me as he climbs in the front seat and we drive away from the roadblock. The highway patrol cops wave us on.

  Up front, Rolf and Sid slap hands and laugh while I hyperventilate and ask myself just what the fuck I think I’m doing with these two. When you get right down to it, are these guys anything but a pile of dead bodies waiting to happen?

  We go around a bend, and the guns Rolf stashed in the hole with me slide across the wood and bang against my knee.

  BETWEEN JEAN and Sloan, about twenty miles outside Vegas, Sid has Rolf pull a couple dozen yards off the highway, takes the garbage bag full of our clothes and a fold-up camping shovel, and gets out of the bus. Rolf sits in the driver’s seat. I sit behind him on the bench seat. We watch Sid, illuminated by one of those multipurpose emergency lights, as he digs his hole. The Westphalia screens the light from the drivers on the highway. I climb into the front passenger seat, roll down a window, and stick my head out to look up at the stars. Nothing, clouds. Rolf has put in an Allman Brothers tape. I pull my head back in and light a smoke and listen to “Melissa.”

  —Rolf?

  —Yeah?

  He’s focused on his lap, where he has several roaches and scraps of shake spread out on a back issue of Rolling Stone. This is the last of his stash, he’s rolling a couple joints to get him through until he can score some more in Vegas.

  —What about Leo and Pedro?

  —Dude?

  —Do you think they knew who I was? Who I am?

  —Who knows what they know, dude? Those guys, are like the. That thing they have in the desert?

  —What?

  —The thing that doesn’t talk? Napoleon’s soldiers shot the nose off of it?

  —The Sphinx?

  —Yeah, dude, Pedro and Leo are like the Sphinx, who knows what they know?

  He has half the grass scooped onto the cardboard flap of a pack of Zig-Zags. He dumps it into a creased rolling paper he’s holding in his other hand. I check on Sid: still digging.

  —Think they’ll get hassled much? Over me?

  —Hard to say, dude. Figure those Federales were working on their own, but sooner or later some dude that’s been at The Bucket’s gonna see your pic on TV and remember you. Then who knows what goes down?

  I finish my smoke, toss it out the window, and reach in the kangaroo pocket of my pullover for another. My hand slides across cold steel. I feel the cigarette box, take it out, and look inside: three left. I light one and keep the box in my hand.

  Rolf is right. My photo is on cable news along with the sketch.
That means it will be seen all over the world. A Mexican cop will remember me from Chichén Itzá, or somebody from the beach will see it and call the police. Sooner or later they’ll find the connection between the sergeants and me.

  —Will they hook Leo to the dead Federales?

  The joint is rolled, he’s scraping the rest of the grass together to make a second.

  —Nah, I don’t see why they would, dude. I mean, dude, you’re Henry Thompson. After they trace your movements around and talk to people and investigate you for that Russian guy’s death? They’ll finger you for the Federales, and the doctor, too. Why make it harder than it has to be?

  Once again, other people’s dead bodies piling up in my account.

  —Sorry ’bout that, by the way. Not the way I planned it, dude. But whatever.

  —Yeah. Whatever.

  He has the second scoop of grass resting in a paper, and holds it while he presses a fingertip onto little flakes still on the magazine cover and flicks them into the unrolled joint. I drag off my cigarette.

  —Dude, you need to, like chill out now. Leo and Pedro are total survivors. Their shit might get messed with, but it’s not like they’ll do any time or anything.

  He rolls the second joint, tucks it behind his right ear, pulls the first one from behind his left ear, puts it in his mouth, and lights it.

  —Want to mellow out?

  —I’ll pass.

  He tokes the joint and reads Rolling Stone by the light of his Bic. Sid has tossed the bag in the hole and is filling it in. I take a last drag, flick my butt out the window. I slip the cigarette box back in my pocket, and fill my hand.

  —So, Rolf, what am I doing with you guys?

  He’s still looking at the magazine.

  —Dude?

  —I mean, why should I stay with you?

  He turns his head to look at me and sees Danny’s pistol in my hand, pointed at him.

  —I mean, what is it you’re threatening me with?

  Rolf starts to straighten up.

  —Just stay the fuck where you are.

  —Dude, this is so uncool, we have a deal.

  —Screw you. I am so sick of that line. I’ve had deals with people like you, and they always get fucked up, and I always end up getting fucked.