What Once Was Mine

by Krystyna Allyn

  My mother, always looking out for her kids in one way or another.

  “Cole, honey. You’re a little early, aren’t you?”

  I hug my mom and give her a kiss on the cheek.

  “Yeah. Mason and I are having a drink and Lenny’s off at another job. Besides, the store’s slow on Saturday afternoons.”

  “Okay. You know the business.” She pats me on the cheek and returns to her task, grabbing the stray books off the empty tables.

  “I didn’t see your car. Did you need a ride home?”

  “No. Ash is coming. He’s dropping me home before going on his run to Maryland.”

  “Mmhmm.” I’m not entirely on board with the whole dating thing but I’m getting there. Besides, Asher seems like a cool guy and he cares about my mother. After my actions on Thursday evening, I took a minute to consider her feelings and came to some interesting conclusions.

  I was a jealous bastard.

  Being envious of your mom’s relationship is all kinds of strange, but regrettably, I am. I don’t blame her. I have this fucked-up notion of how a woman should be treated so when I see the real thing, I put blinders on. I ignored the stable relationship my parents had, striving for the easy lay. I was a terrible husband to Chrissy, screwing everything for the duration of our short marriage. My initial reaction to Asher should’ve been elation or pride because my mom is putting herself out there. Instead, I projected my own failings on her. My night with the mystery woman seems to have shaken me more than realized.

  “I’m sorry, mom.”

  “What are you going on about?” She places the sports magazine in the rack, running her hand along the right side to line it with the rest.

  “With Asher. I was a complete asshole.”

  “Cole, honey.” She places her hand on her hip, giving me a small smile. “You apologized already.”

  I walk over to her and she gives a surprised yelp when I pull her into a hug. I’m normally not a hugger.

  “This time, I mean it.” I chuckle as we separate. “Seriously, my apology was genuine, but I didn’t get it until now.”

  Frowning, my mother studies me, confusion embedded in her expression. Clarification on my part seems warranted, but how do you mention what brought you to your epiphany when it involves a one-night stand? She already knows of my man-whoreish ways.

  I open my mouth to elaborate when I’m saved by my phone ringing. I remove it from my pocket, seeing Mason’s name flash across the screen

  “I have to take this.” I answer the phone, mouthing sorry to my mom for the second time in the past five minutes. I’m not sure why he’s calling. Our plans are already set for the evening, unless ...

  “Don’t tell me you’re backing out.” My mother rolls her eyes at me and walks off. She obviously didn’t appreciate the abrupt ending to our conversation.

  “Calm down. I’m not canceling. I’ll be, uh, delayed.” I hear a giggle in the background, and now I’m the one rolling my eyes.

  “How long?” I sigh, knowing it’s pointless to argue when a woman is involved. If I were with my mystery woman, I’d probably never leave the bed.

  “Thirty minutes. You’ll have to entertain yourself until I get there.”

  “And how long will your warden allow you on work release?”

  “I heard that, Cole,” Hannah scolds as Mason chuckles.

  “No curfew. I swear.”

  “Why do I feel your woman scowling at me through the phone?” I lean against the closest shelf, knocking over a couple of display books. My mother gives me a disapproving look, and I shrug. I’ll pick them up in a second.

  “Because I know how you are. Mason isn’t your wingman, so please, keep him out of your lady machinations.”

  “Lady machinations? What does that even mean, babe?”

  I wanted to ask the same thing, but it appears Mason has it covered.

  “Lenny will entertain me in your absence. If you’re not careful, he will end up being my new wingman.”

  “You invited him?” Mason asks as if confused.

  “Leave my Lenny alone,” Hannah says. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”

  “Of course not, honey. It’s just surprising for Cole to invite him to anything.”

  “I’m still on the phone, guys,” I point out.

  “Well, I’m coming then.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “I am.”

  “Who will watch the kids?”

  “Shut up.”

  “I feel like this is a couple thing, and I should end the call. I’ll see you at seven-thirty.”

  “Probably for the best.” Mason sighs. “See you soon. And Cole?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I like Lenny too. Don’t be a dick to him.”

  What the hell?

  He ends the call, leaving me confused.

  When have I ever been an asshole to the guy?

  True, I can be short with him, but I genuinely like Lenny. He’s been working at our place for years. I bet my dad considered willing the store to him instead of my irresponsible self. This older and wiser version of me will have to keep asshole me in check. Dragging Lenny to one of me and Mason’s outings is another positive step in the right direction.

  Several hours later, I’m regretting my decision to invite Lenny. I enjoy his company and, earlier in the night, we had an engaging conversation about possibly expanding the store, perhaps rearranging it as well. He had some solid ideas. Once I review some numbers, I’ll confer with mother about it. Now, however, I want to strangle him.

  Lenny is a good looking guy and I’m comfortable enough in my manhood to admit that. He also has a jovial personality and friendly nature that attracts people to him. Case in point, the group of men rearing to pounce on him, each with glints of interest in their eyes.

  As luck would have it, a tour bus labeled “The Rainbow Coalition” arrived at the Bed and Breakfast late in the afternoon. In passing, my mother mentioned she heard of the tourists from somebody else, who heard it from another person. In other words, the Falls Village grapevine was in full effect. What I didn't know at the time, not like it mattered, was this tour is specifically geared toward gay men. Per my mom, the group planned on spending one night here en route to a cruise ship taking them to Canada, their final destination. Seriously, this gossip mill could find out what soap you used on your last birthday if they wanted.

  Even with its limited population, Falls Village has a nightlife. So, it’s not surprising the group would flock to the popular club in town.

  Lenny and I were finishing our second drinks when the mass of men gathered at the surrounding tables, their eyes lasering directly on my friend. His simple black skinny jeans, black shoes, and black muscle shirt must’ve been the draw. His spiked wrist cuffs and matching silver chains sparkle in the dim lighting as a beacon to the masses saying come and get it. And like sharks sensing blood in the water, some of the guys approach Lenny, circling their prey.

  Despite being in his late twenties, Lenny is green when it comes to hookups, his blush at the sudden attention is an indication of his inexperience. Our town has always been forward-thinking and I’m sure men have been attracted to him before. Though, from what I’ve observed, he’s his own worst enemy, oblivious to the flirtations.

  Suddenly, my past antics with women at bars flash through my mind and my personality switches from chill to protective big brother. Besides, Hannah and Mallory would kick my ass if I let Lenny go home with any of these guys. One, in particular, I keep my eye on. Blond ambition with the cognac eyes walks with a similar bullshit swagger I’ve used numerous times to make others take notice of me, and, of course, the fucker has dimples.

  This is going to be a long night.

  “Hey there, tall, dark and handsome.” He places the hand on top of the bar closest to Lenny, blocking any means of escape.

  Cliché, much?

  Inwardly, I roll my eyes at the guy’s come on. A grunting animal could come up with a
better line than this yahoo.

  “Hey,” Lenny replies, nervously glancing at the floor and then back up at loser.

  “I’m Kane. And who might you be?” Of course, he’d be named after the person who committed the first biblical murder.

  “Lenny. Nice to meet you.” He jumps in surprise when Kane runs his fingers along his bare shoulder, pausing upon catching my scowl.

  “Oh. I didn’t know you two were together.”

  “We’re no—”

  “We are,” I say, assuredly. I sense Lenny fidgeting, his position shifting toward the guy. I guess he doesn’t appreciate my pronouncement.

  Strange.

  Kane gives me a skeptical look while Lenny appears confused. I shrug off the interloper’s accusatory gaze, because fuck him.

  “N-no.” Lenny smiles nervously. “Cole is kidding. He’s my boss. I am single.” Heat flashes in the guy’s eyes, and it’s then I know I’ve lost. Really, what was I trying to win?

  While I wait for Mason to arrive, I spend the next forty minutes babysitting Lenny and Kane. I don’t trust the guy, but Lenny seems to like him, laughing on cue at his poorly-executed jokes. Mason better show up soon or he’s on my shit list. Hannah probably has him locked in a dungeon by now after their earlier spat. Speaking of the devil, Mason walks through the door with Hannah in tow. So much for a guy’s-only night. Well, it technically is since the current ratio of men to women is seven to one.

  Mason has the courtesy to give me an apologetic smile when he arrives, greeting Lenny with chin lift and Kane with a raised brow.

  “Lenny.” Hannah hugs him. “I never see you out and I didn’t want to miss it. Mason tried to keep me home with the kids, but joke’s on him. Mallory volunteered to watch them, freeing me up.” She elbows Mason in the gut and he grunts.

  “Oh, joy,” I mutter, now the odd man out. “Kane, everyone, everyone, Kane.” I give a lazy introduction to Lenny’s new man friend.

  “Happy as ever, huh, Cole?”

  “As always.” I drone.

  “I’m Hannah.” She loops her arm through both Kane and Lenny’s arm. “Let’s dance while these two catch up.” She drags them to the floor, the song Independent Women by Destiny’s Child, blasting through the speakers.

  “Don’t say one fucking word.” I hold a silencing finger in the air

  “Sorry. I couldn’t help it. But, Lenny appears to be having a blast.” Mason motions to their friend.

  “Yeah. I guess. So much for our estrogen-free drinking hour.”

  “Since, Hannah’s here, why don’t you call Taylor to keep her busy?”

  “Not a good idea,” I shake my head. “She and I are way past our due date.”

  “Cole, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. This loner vibe is getting old.”

  “Let’s not get into this now.”

  “When, Cole? You’ve been off for a while.” He scolds me, taking a sip of his beer.

  “I’m just in a weird place.” A woman shook me to the core, and I haven’t quite recovered.

  “Chrissy was a bitch and you should’ve never married her, but that’s done now. Move on. If not with Taylor, who thinks the world of you, then with someone else.”

  “I know how she feels about me,” I whisper yell, as I see Hannah approach, “but she and I aren’t the same people we were. I get you’re happy, but there’s no need to play matchmaker.” I’ve already met the woman of my dreams. I don’t say the last part out loud. Who knows if my thoughts are true anyway?

  “You two look serious.” Hannah points out.

  “We’re fighting over who’s the best basketball player of all time. I chose Michael Jordan. Mason claimed Kobe Bryant.” I lie because I don’t want to deal with this conversation any longer. Mason orders more drinks for our group at the bar, Lenny and Kane returning shortly after Hannah.

  We spend the night chatting about each other’s lives. Hannah mentions her new employee, Marley, and how awesome she is. I nod at the right places in the conversation, not interested in meeting another woman. I have enough problems. With my luck, I’ll probably sleep with Marley, and, out of solidarity with Taylor, Hannah will fire the poor girl.

  Kane ends up not being a bad guy, after all. He’s a pediatric nurse at a hospital in New Haven, Connecticut. Eventually, he and Lenny disappear on the dance floor a second time. I consider following, but Lenny is no dummy and can take care of himself.

  “I’m Antonio,” a man drunkenly approaches me as the night winds down. He ends his slurring words with a wink. “Wanna come to my place?”

  Mason and Hannah chuckle as he gives me a sensual look.

  I guess it’s my turn to be hit on.

  “His name is Fred,” John, the group leader who introduced himself to me earlier, interrupts. “And he’s a flirt.” Grabbing the guy by the ear, John drags him toward the front door. “How many times do I have to remind you of your marriage? Plus, this isn’t that kind of trip. Don’t make me call your husband because, honey, I can’t deal with the drama.” He sighs. “Nice to meet you, Cole, Hannah, and Mason, but we have an early departure time, and I have to round up the stragglers. I’ll make sure Kane removes his lips from your friend and gets him home.”

  We say our goodbyes and promise to have dinner at a later date.

  I make my way to my condo via car service, mentally running through my actions tonight while in transit. I didn’t realize until now how much I’m projecting my own failures on the Lenny. I did it to my mom earlier. There was no need for that level of protectiveness. I envied him going after what he wanted, and I wish I had. I’m fucked up in so many ways, and when I had a small glimmer of hope with my mystery woman, I should’ve pursued her. I keep claiming I’m working on being a better man, that the person I was before is long gone. In reality, he’s waiting in the wings for me to give up this pursuit, or screw up so badly I no longer care what I do or who I hurt. Balance is what it’s all about. And as I lay in bed, my thoughts again go back to the night I shared with Sparkle, one of the best in my life.

  “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” She asks me, her body snuggling into mine as I leaned against the headboard. It’s almost three in the morning, and I’ve forgotten how many times we’d been at it.

  “I don’t want to say. I like the way you look at me. I’d rather not change your attitude.”

  “What if I promise not to think any less of you? I’ll swear on,” she fingers the silver chain hanging around her neck, “this locket. My brother gave it to me a long time ago and it means the world to me.”

  The expression on her face gives me pause, its seriousness indicating how important this piece of jewelry is to her. In my heart, I knew lying to her would be a bad move, so I admitted the truth, allowing her to see what a piece of shit I am.

  “The first time I cheated on my wife.”

  “Oh,” she breathed, regret in her tone. “How many times? And what number am I?”

  “I’m no longer married. In fact, the divorce was final on Friday. It’s why I came to town. My original plan was to party with a friend, but then I met you, and well...” I kiss her on the top of her forehead in the hopes of relaxing her tense shoulders. “To answer your question, you are the first person I’ve been with since my marriage ended.”

  I stared off into the distance of the dimly-lit room as silence passed between us. I had hoped we’d never broach this subject and keep discussions light, yet something about this woman strips my defenses bare.

  “Honestly, I don’t know why I did it. Chrissy and I had a good life and we were discussing having a baby. Then, one night, I was working late with my assistant—” I trailed off. No point in giving the gory details. “I felt guilty and told Chrissy about my indiscretion. Instead of marriage counseling, or divorce, she had her own affair with a good friend of mine and, afterward, she said we were even. I knew it was the end of us then, but both of us spent two more years together in an unhealthy competition to see who could have the most aff
airs.”

  “Cole, that’s just …”

  “When my dad died, it put things into perspective, you know.” I shrug. “I’m still that asshole. If we met in a different setting, you wouldn’t look my way.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong.” Her eyes finally meet mine. “I see the real you.”

  “We barely know each other. Hell, I don’t even know your name and—”

  She kisses me quiet and I allow her to. Much to my joy, it turned into another sex session, our last one before falling asleep.

  Had I known those words would be the last we shared, I would’ve been more adamant about getting her name. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

  I finger the chain from her locket as I do each night, gearing up for another restless night, wondering if I’ll ever be able to escape this strange pull she has over me.

  6

  The Pee-Pee Patrol

  Affirmation #33

  Rearing the youth of today is a fulfilling task, but one must always bring a change of clothes. Stains will happen.

  Marley

  “Miss Marley,” number four shouts, spinning in a circle. I think his name is Austin. “Look at me. I’m spinnining.”

  “You mean spinning.”

  “That’s what I said, spinnining.”

  He didn’t, but at this point in the day, I’m not correcting him.

  I mentally use numbers to differentiate the kids. With the chart I created, it’s helping me learn their names in a shorter amount of time.

  The first couple of days of work have been a definite eye-opener. Hannah, Taylor, and the rest of the staff have been great. Still, I underestimated how overwhelming it would be taking care of twelve children. I’m kicking myself for not gaining enough classroom experience while in New York. I didn’t need it to be hired, but book smarts can only get you so far. Also, I longed to escape my ties from the past, so when this job became available, it was a no brainer. Besides, I can adapt to any situation I’m thrown into.