by Lux, Vivian
"Ssh, baby," she soothed. "It's fine to be sad. It's normal to be sad ."
I shook my head. "I should be okay with this," I whimpered. "But I'm not and I don't know why ."
My mother pulled back. "I can't tell you what you should be feeling, Tallula Claire. But I can tell you I know why you feel it. Lie down, honey ."
I took a deep, shuddering breath and laid back down again, curling up into the fetal position and clutching Poppy's blanket. "It hurts," I told my mother .
"Where does it hurt?" she asked, pressing with her fingers against my tender stomach .
I shook my head. "No. Not there." I pressed my hand to my heart. "Here ."
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Tallula
M y phone rang. I groaned and rolled over. Poppy glanced up from her book, and raised an eyebrow .
"My brother," I croaked. I'd been in bed for three days now. The cramping and tenderness in my belly had faded to a whisper, and I reassured my mother that she could leave me in my friends' care, that I'd be up and at 'em soon enough. Stiff upper lip and all that. She'd believed me and left with strict instructions to call her if I needed anything .
I'd agreed and promptly crawled back into bed .
Poppy had to be missing all her classes, the way she was hovering. Now she was glaring at my phone like she wanted to incinerate it with her eyeballs. I sat up and waved my hand. "It's okay," I mumbled and pressed the answer button. "What do you want?" I answered with a forced smile on my face .
"Stinky! What are you doing right now?" My brother sounded like he'd been celebrating .
"Right now?" I mumbled, sitting up straighter and wincing. "I was actually taking a nap, right now ."
"You're boring," he sighed .
"I'm the smart one in the family," I shot back .
He ignored that. "You have a break coming up, right ?"
"How do you know this ?"
"It's on the university calendar ."
"Are you stalking me ?"
He laughed. "No, mum told me you were feeling down, so I was just being a good big brother. Just like I was when I bought you the ticket to come down and stay the week in Italy with us ."
I felt my throat go dry. Poppy, who'd been on red-alert these past few days, snapped back up from her trashy romance novel and gave me a wary glance. I swallowed hard and tried to sound normal when I said, "With us? Who's us ?"
"Well who else would I be with on a break from touring ?"
"The band?" I said faintly. Poppy leaned forward and started shaking her head vehemently. Without thinking, I closed my hand over my tender belly. "The whole band ?"
"Why are you being weird?" Niall said, immediately picking up on my hesitation. "You're telling me you don't want an all-expense paid vacation to the Amalfi Coast ?"
I inhaled sharply and my fingers swept over to my abandoned sketchpad. The past few awful days, I hadn't been able to sketch. I'd opened it and leafed through the pages, the things that had caught my eyes before...before... but now the only bits and pieces I'd managed were a few sketches that were so dark and twisted I'd abandoned them rather than see where my subconscious was leading .
A week on the Amalfi Coast, sketching the architecture, the scenery, might jumpstart my brain out of this bleak, black place .
But then again, being near the reason for the bleak, black place might be even worse .
"Stop being an idiot," my brother said, breaking in to my mental breakdown. "I realized how much I missed you during the wedding. Come hang. I promise not to cramp your style too badly ."
At that I flashed back to the night of Niall's wedding, the way he watched as Hudson and I danced. If he only knew how true his words were ringing...would he even speak to me anymore? Would he break up the band ?
"Um," I said, faintly. There was this sore place, deep inside of me. It had been days now, but I could still feel that empty ache .
"Tally, what's wrong?" Niall said, sounding for all the world like he'd heard my thoughts spoken aloud .
"Nothing is wrong," I lied. It felt...off, to lie to my brother this way. To lie to myself. I curled my lips into a smile that felt as false and hollow as a jack o'lantern's grin. "I was just thinking what I was going to tell Mum to get her to agree to let me go ."
"Just tell her big brother's watching out for you ."
"Big brother is a notorious rock star," I teased .
"Right, well, I'm still your brother. So I'll make sure you have none of the fun I'm having ."
"That's supposed to make me want to come ?"
He laughed. He sounded so happy. He sounded so much like everything was completely normal. "Miss you, Tally. Get your ass down to Italy ."
I hung up the phone and carefully set it down on the bed. Poppy looked up again, still on the same page, I noticed. She hadn't turned it at all while Niall and I were speaking. "You're going to Italy," she said, as carefully and tactfully as if she were speaking to a mental patient .
"How was I supposed to say no, exactly ?"
"You're sick?" she supplied .
"I'm not sick. Every day I feel a little better ."
"Tally," she warned. "This is nuts ."
I shook my head, and for the second time in as many minutes, I opened my mouth and lied to someone who cared about me. "It's not nuts. Yeah he'll be there, but so will my brother. It's not like anything will happen. And besides, he's got nothing to worry about from me anymore, right ?"
Poppy winced and gave me a sad smile. I ran my hand over my belly again and then laid back down in my bed, pulling the covers up to my chin .
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Hudson
T he villa looked like it had been pieced together from several smaller ones, five older rooms arranged in a W pattern, all leading to a newer sunken central gathering area. "And we have a few extra guards posted as well," the concierge was saying in English, with only the softest of Italian music in his voice .
"What for?" Niall wanted to know, spinning in a slow circle in the center of the room .
The concierge cleared his throat demurely. "Sir has not been following the news ?"
"You're talking about the two girls, right?" Ewan spoke up as he came back in from claiming his and Celia's room. "The ones on holiday ?"
"Oh, bloody hell, I didn't think about that," Jules growled, stepping closer to August, who just rolled her eyes. "Have they found any trace of them, yet ?"
"Our police are working with Scotland Yard," the concierge said smoothly. "We are certain the two missing British girls will turn up soon ."
"I trust you, mate," Niall said, slapping the surprised man in the back before slipping him a few hundred Euros, which were pocketed quickly. "If you could see a way of adding one more guard, yeah?" He leaned in. "Got my new wife and my little sister staying here, you see ."
Everyone was watching the concierge nod, so they didn't notice the way I'd stiffened. I'd been hiding away in monkish silence all this time, so the news that Tallula was coming to Italy was a surprise .
A welcome one .
I wondered if she'd be showing. If her pretty little belly would be rounder now. Of course it was still so early, but I was sure I'd be able to tell, especially if she let me run my fingers over it after I apologized for...whatever she needed me to apologize for. I was ready to do it. And in person was much better than on the phone .
I'd called her. Several times. But her phone kept going to voicemail. Like she was ignoring me. Lik
e she was hiding from me .
Well now there'd be no hiding. And what's better, I could be there for her, even if it was only for a short time on holiday. I could rub her feet or her back. I could buy her treats to settle her stomach, if her stomach needed settling. Fuck, I wasn't even sure if she had morning sickness at all. I should know that .
I'm Daddy, after all .
"I'm off to the airport to collect her as a matter of fact," Niall was saying, looking at the time on his phone .
"We'll come too," I jumped in quickly .
Niall glanced at me. I half-smiled and kept my face as neutral as I could while inside I was spinning in circles. She obviously hadn't told him she was pregnant yet. Fuck, I hope the flight doesn't hurt my baby .
Jules announced that he was coming too because, as he put it, "someone needs to warn the poor girl off." And then next thing we knew, four immature band members and three long-suffering band wives / girlfriends piled into the rented limo and headed off to make Tallula regret accepting her brother's invitation .
I was a mass of nerves the whole ride over. Security let us on to the tarmac, where we pulled up right as a small jet was landing. I held my breath as the door opened .
Everything I'd felt for her in England, it was still there. It was still fucking there, right in front of my face, as clear as the beautiful picture she made stepping off of the plane, the wind whipping her hair until she tucked it behind her ear .
She was so goddamned pretty. And she was carrying my child .
She hefted her suitcase and I had to resist the urge to run over and grab it for her .
And then I said fuck it and did just that .
She looked at me as I took it from her. There was something... wrong about her eyes. Instead of those clear green pools, they looked sodden, red-rimmed. Like she'd been crying for days. I wanted to touch her but all I had time to say before Niall came over was a hurried, "It's okay." I jogged next to her, lips close to her ear. "I'm sorry I was a jerk. I'm going to be there," I promised. "I'm going to be a great dad ."
Her eyes went wide with shock just as the rest of the band reached us and she was enveloped in a gauntlet of hugs and handshakes and good-natured teasing about who the rockstar really was here. The warm wind whipped around, stealing voices from us, and we had to shout over the noise of an aircraft taking off over head, but I managed to steal a touch of her arm really quickly before Niall could see us .
Niall. I'd deal with him in a minute. If he had a problem with me being there for my child, he could take it up with me. Kick me out of the band, that's fine. I was going to make this right .
But there was no time to say this to her. We piled into the limo that took us back to the house, and even though I was no more than an inch from her, our skin pressing together in a way that had me shifting in my seat, I couldn't say a word. I could barely get one in edgewise as everyone talked over one another in a cacophony of British and American voices, all tumbling out in an excited rush. Italian traffic being a particular source of amusement and terror .
"If I die next to you arseholes, I'm going to have a word with the Lord Almighty," Jules complained .
August gave him a look that could melt steel. "If you die next to me though, what will you say ?"
"You know I'm already in heaven when you're here, love," he murmured, kissing her neck and making the red of her cheeks match the red of her hair .
Ewan stroked his hand up Celia's thigh. "First thing when we get back to the villa," he was saying .
I glanced over at Niall and Reese who were entwined in a kiss that showed no sign of stopping .
"Well then," Tallula quipped with an exaggerated sigh. "I'm so glad I came out here to be a... wait." She paused and took a dramatic head count. "I'm confused. Am I a third wheel or a fifth ?"
"Welcome to the club," I muttered darkly .
She glanced up at me and for the first time I thought I saw a trace of the girl I'd laid down in the grass. Those green eyes, snapping with fire and intelligence and wit .
I'd really missed them. Even if I could see no other parts of her body on this vacation, her eyes could almost be enough .
The car whipped around a curve, throwing her into me. Pressing against me again. So warm and smooth. "Oops, yeah, there, I've got you," I told her, steadying her with an outstretched arm .
I wasn't holding her. I wasn't that dumb. But Niall was busy with Reese, and Tallula was right here next to me .
I'm only human .
I put my hand on her shoulder. "Good ?"
""Good," she said, a little too quickly and a little too breathlessly. She looked down. I looked over the top of her head, but my eye was drawn to that curve of her shoulder. If I pressed my lips to her neck, I could feel her racing pulse under my tongue. I knew this just as sure as I knew her skin would have traces of salt from the sea air clinging to it. It would linger on my lips, just like the sweet taste between her thighs still haunted my dreams .
I leaned back and let my head fall against the panel of the limo .
"You okay?" she whispered .
"I'm fine ."
She glanced up at me, I could feel her eyes tracing across my face. "You're sweating," she finally said and she sounded almost amused .
"I guess I'm letting you see me sweat," I sighed, grimly. I needed to get her alone. I needed to tell her. My heart felt like it was going to explode being this close to her and not being able to hold her and tell her it was all going to be okay. That I was going to make it be okay .
We pulled up in the front drive of the villa at last. With the rest of the band and their women whooping and tumbling from the limo, I took advantage of the distraction and put my hand on Tallula's arm. "Wait ."
"We can't..." she murmured, looking down. "They're waiting ."
"I know, I just.... You heard me, right ?"
She blinked .
"About," I dropped my voice. "The baby ."
"Hudson."
"I'm sorry," I hissed urgently. "Okay? I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't react right. I was surprised and I was a little shocked, but that's no excuse. Whatever you want to do, I support you, but like, I hope you'll give me a chance to make things right for you ."
She blinked. Her lower lip trembled, just for a moment, a little tiny vulnerability, just for me, that was so sweet and perfect that I took a chance .
I kissed her .
She let out a shocked, panicked breath and put her hands on my chest. "Hudson," she warned, pushing harder than I expected .
"I'm sorry ."
"What are you doing ?"
"I don't care anymore ."
"Well, I do ."
I clenched my fists. "Sorry," was all I could say again. But my blood felt so hot it might boil away .
She pushed her way out of the limo, suddenly laughing at something Jules said, like nothing had just happened. I brushed my forehead with the back of my hand and pushed out into the sunshine .
"You get lost in there?" Niall laughed .
"I'm fine ."
"What the fuck were you up to ?"
"Nothing."
"You look awfully jumpy for it to be nothing ."
"I'm fucking fine, okay?" I shouted. "Jesus fucking Christ, why do you second guess every fucking thing people do? You're not my goddamned therapist, Niall, back the fuck off !"
I shoved past his shocked face and stormed into the villa, barely seeing the gorgeous frescoes on the inner courtyard walls. I slammed through, searching for something, I didn't know what, until I hurtled out onto a second floor balcony with my heart pounding .
&nbs
p; "Goddammit," I seethed, curling my fingers around the crumbly stone of the railing. "Goddammit it all to hell ."
"Hey mate?" Ewan had quietly been following me. "You okay ?"
I took deep breath and tried to calm. Then I shook my head. "My head's all fucked." I sighed .
Ewan nodded without understanding. "It's fine. That's why we need time to decompress. Touring's a fucking pressure cooker, we all get it ."
I pressed my lips together and nodded curtly. Shame was pounding in my ears. Blowing up like that. That's what my fucking father did. Lashing out and leaving everyone creeping around like you're an atom bomb .
I swore I'd never be like him and here I was doing the exact thing .
I was fucked up. Things were fucked up. But I knew, just as I knew the lines on the palm of my hand, that if I fixed things with Tallula, I'd be right again .
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Tallula
I leaned over and fiddled with my phone, turning it so the tinny speakers were pointing towards the pool. "That better?" I asked .
Niall was bobbing next to Reese, laughing at something she had said while I was finding the right playlist .
"Oy!" I called to my brother. "Is that better, then ?"
He barely glanced at me. "Sure is," he mumbled, then dove under the water and did something that made Reese yelp .
"Oh my fucking Lord," I groaned, letting my head fall back on the chaise .
"Sickening, isn't it?" Hudson asked. He was a few chaises over and I hadn't realized he was watching until he spoke up. I shielded my eyes with my hand and looked at him for the first time since I'd landed. "I swear it's a good thing I like them both, because if I didn't I'd feel compelled to push their heads underwater." He leaned forward and grinned. "At least then they'd have to come up for air once in a while, right ?"